I am on day 3 of No Shouting.

[MyCrazyLife]

And I'm so bloody proud of myself!

I hated myself sometimes; I've got three lovely children (5, 3 and 1) and yet I got to the point where I was screaming at them regularly. Ok so in my "defence" it's the holidays, they fight and wind each other up constantly, I get very bad PMT.

But on the other hand, my horrible, abusive mother used to shout and scream at me, everything was my fault, and she would end saying things like "you should be ashamed" ... "You are a horrible bitch that no one likes" etc etc (things that to this day still affect me).

Now I never got that far with my own DC of course; they are all so loved and wanted. But I was terrified I'd turn into her. So after having a horrible day last Thursday, I vowed to stop shouting. They will still be disciplined if naughty, of course - with the Silly Step or toy confiscation etc - but I won't take out my own frustrations on them.

It's the third day, they're all asleep and I haven't shouted since that Thursday. I never thought I'd be able to do this, really hope I can keep it up. If I can, they may never remember the awful screeching mum they used to have.

Anybody else managed to stop?

Managed it. Hurrah! To be fair I probably always would have done with other adults (DH, BIL and SIL) around to help out and give me a break.

Fingers crossed I can sustain this good start come Monday when we are back to normal.

DCs in bed now. Have wine and an Indian on the way.

I think I've done ok today... Trying to get 5 children in/out of the bath was emotional at one point, exacerbated by the fact DH decided that was a really good time to go to the gym which on balance it probably was (for him at least). But we're all enjoying our 'movie night' (Matilda) with popcorn. I've got a glass of vino on the go and all is well in the Buffers household.

Still no shouting. Lots of repetition and keep having to repeat myself which gets rather irritating. Any top tips from you wise Mumsnetters on getting children to do things at the first time of asking would be appreciated.

I'm Bingo and I'm a shouter. I don't want to be a shouter. I know I shout because I'm frustrated. My shouting achieves nothing except for the children thinking "she's loud and always angry, what's her problem?"

No more. Absolutely no more. It cannot continue.

I am really trying here to not shout, but have failed again. What do you do when your 5 year old kicks you? Repeatedly.
They had showered and we were reading. Ds2 (5yo) read first and when ds1 was reading ds2 started mimicking him. I told him to stop or he'd have to sit on the other sofa. He carried on, so I told him to go over there.
He screamed "NO" so I said "In that case you can go to bed" He carries on screaming No at me, so I took his hand and walked him to bedroom with him kicking me. I told him every time he shouted or got out of bed he would lose one of his teddies. So far I have 3.
What am I supposed to do in these situations? He hits or kicks often

Hey Bingo, welcome to the thread. As you may have read we are all like you too. You're in the right place and we are all in it together
Don't be hard on yourself. Share as much as you want on here. I've been amazed at how easy it has been and the difference it makes in such a short space of time. How old are your DC?

Silvery, my DD5 does very similar. Before 'no-shouting' I found it would really escalate but it's been much easier to deal with. Yesterday when she was doing similar I excluded her by putting her in the porch (naughty step didn't work). When she had calmed down and said she was ready to be good I went to her really calmly and gave her a big hug, telling her how sad her behaviour made me.
Sorry I don't have a miracle answer. I'm sure someone more helpful will be along soon.
In the meantime a glass of wine?

mycrazylife you are absolutely right. I had never thought about it that way before but you are so right. I don't shout at work so why at home???

I love this thread. It's really inspiring. I meant to post before but I don't think I did (blushes if I did -exhaustion ate my memory).

I'm shouty and Blamey. Don't know where I get it from as I don't think either of my parents were.

The things that test me are my DD (2.6) ignoring me when I speak to her (to the point where my mum worries that she has a hearing problem -she doesn't!), DD playing too roughly with DS (0.7) and DS refusing to nap. I don't really shout at him though but it winds me up and then I shout at her.

I was actually thinking of doing myself a sticker chart before I got to that point in the thread!

I haven't shouted today but DD was out all afternoon with DH so doesn't count really.

Thanks buffers I have recently been saying to him "Do you want a hug?" when I see him getting angry. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. And then there are the times when he has whinged all day over really petty little things and sulked the whole time at the park when something doesn't go his way. I literally spend my whole day being all "let's hug it out" or "come on, it's ok, everyone falls over at the park, that's half the fun of running fast" etc etc and then bam! I've had enough and all my calm has gone.

This thread does make me feel better, reading the comments, knowing I'm not alone in my struggles and not alone in wanting to find a better way.
The other day, ds2 was throwing one when we were leaving the park and he kept pushing is bike in to my leg. I told him to stop because it hurt and he carried on. I told him if he did it again, I'd be taking the bike off him and he did it agasin. So I picked up his bike to carry it home and he hit me the entire way home.
I told a friend of mine and she said "I'd have gone effing nuts" But what can you do in the middle of the street? I try to ignore it or hold his hands and tell him that I will not allow him to hit me, but this day I felt there was nothing to do than ignore it.

buffers have you read 1,2,3 Magic? Really interesting read. It promotes a counting system (I know, that bit's obvious). I already was counting down from 5 when I wanted them to do something, but the magic approach is to count negative behaviours. So if one calls the other a name, you'd count 1 etc etc once they get to 3, it's a time out. It does work quite well with mine in that I use 1,2,3 for something I want them to stop and I still use my down from 5 for things I want them to start. My dad told me when I was a kid he had to count down from 10 to give me time to actually process an instruction

Thanks Buffers. They are 4 and 2.

The eldest has a degree in Ignoring Me. I've started saying calmly "Look at me" which doesn't happen right away. Eventually I am looked at. I explain what is going on and why it's not good behaviour and what is good behaviour. Sometimes works. However I am sometimes on the receiving end of a child yelling "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME NOOOOOOOOOW". ??

Silvery, you've described the same sort of situation I find myself in. It is so hard when you're in public and my response is exactly as yours. DD1 has been known to hit and kick me all the way home from school. It's so tough. I wish I knew how to deal with it properly.

Hey Bingo- I know the ignoring thing. My nanny used to tell the children to 'turn their listening ears on' and I still use it. It works (sometimes) for mine. As does competition and bribery! I also have to make sure I'm in the same room, looking directly at them too. Barking orders from the kitchen rarely gets results I've found!

Silvery - haven't read the book. Counting helps but I count up, saying "I'm going to count to X and I want Y done'. It works 9/10 but DS1 has just started asking me to count for longer. I like the count down for positive, count up for negative idea... Is it really that simple?!

Sorry, on my 4th glass of vino. Can only seem to cope with one topic at a time obviously

Pretty much buffers. I went through a pretty long, or rather reasonable amount of time with no shouting and minimal defiance. Got to the stage where I didn't get past 1. Now we usually hit 2.
The book points out that children (well those 5+) know full well what the rules and and what's expected of them, so the reason for the counting is to not fuel the fire with big old conversatkions that can happen later.
Although we don't talk about it after the event unless they bring it up. You know all the embarrassment stuff and they don't need me to drag it out. I sent you to room/time out after 2 chances, now I've told you you can come out because you're calm, quick hug, want to play connect 4?

Day six and no shouting, woo hoo!

I feel so much calmer.

DS2 stuck a frozen pea up his nose at teatime and we ended up in the minor injuries unit at local hospital. Normally that sort of thing would stress me out but I totally took it in my stride and was calm throughout.

As an aside, do you know how to get a foreign object out of a child'a nose? They got me to press the other nostril closed, make a seal around his mouth with my mouth and blow hard! The pea shot out which avoided any intervention with scary looking pokey instruments. Definitely worth knowing...

Hey Bicnod, well done on keeping calm and six whole days of no shouting. Glad DS is ok! I'll make a note of the technique as bound to need it one day. The things you learn on Mumsnet...

I've just shouted (more like screamed) in DS' face for tipping Cheerios everywhere

I'd been well until now. I'm knackered and pissed off that DH has had his rest days cut short again, and that he seems to STILL think that his rest days mean he can do as little as possible when I spend my weekends running around like a fucking headless chicken. Not ok.

But even more not ok is that I just took it out on DS. Off to go and kiss him now as he's eating his cereal properly.

I did this after my daughter was born and my son was 2 and a half. I noticed the change almost immediately with him when I actually spoke to him properly and compromised as opposed to going mental and shouting every 5 minutes about the silliest of things.
Of course ,the old habits have returned but this post has reminded me to maybe try it again.

karin I know that felling well. My dp does shift work. He does loads of overtime and even volunteers for it (arsehole) and then when he does have a day off, he has a day off of life.

Good tip Bicnod. I know it is only time before one of mine does that.

Silvery I wish I had the answer for the hitting problem. The only thing that comes to mind is to give him a punching bag or pillow and let him hit that.

I tried it when the girls tried biting. DH thought I was wrong to let them bite a toy but I let them get it out of their system. I think it worked. I kept repeating "don't bite people, bite this" and offered a cushion.

No shouting yesterday.

karin by your use if the term "rest days" I'm guessing he's police like mine.
I'm literally say here facing yet another bank holiday alone while everyone else is with their families!!
It's a tough life when they work such odd hours. I actually look forward to my work days.

Hey everyone. DP has annoyed me today as well a bit by doing as little as possible. The lawn won't mow itself will it?!

I shouted earlier. Have got cousins staying (so 5 children in total) and having put DC3 down for a sleep after lunch had asked them to play quietly. Instead they were in the landing making loads of noise and there's me (ironically) shouting 'will you be quiet' which I distinctly remember my mother frequently shouting!
Can't blame anything on DH. He's been rather lovely all day
Our guests have flatly refused to eat anything since their parents left yesterday. I even managed to stay calm as I was picking grated carrot out of the salad like I was asked to I've just discovered they've been helping themselves to the basket of food their Mum left (choc bars and fruit juices!). Sneaky buggers!