I am on day 3 of No Shouting.

[MyCrazyLife]

And I'm so bloody proud of myself!

I hated myself sometimes; I've got three lovely children (5, 3 and 1) and yet I got to the point where I was screaming at them regularly. Ok so in my "defence" it's the holidays, they fight and wind each other up constantly, I get very bad PMT.

But on the other hand, my horrible, abusive mother used to shout and scream at me, everything was my fault, and she would end saying things like "you should be ashamed" ... "You are a horrible bitch that no one likes" etc etc (things that to this day still affect me).

Now I never got that far with my own DC of course; they are all so loved and wanted. But I was terrified I'd turn into her. So after having a horrible day last Thursday, I vowed to stop shouting. They will still be disciplined if naughty, of course - with the Silly Step or toy confiscation etc - but I won't take out my own frustrations on them.

It's the third day, they're all asleep and I haven't shouted since that Thursday. I never thought I'd be able to do this, really hope I can keep it up. If I can, they may never remember the awful screeching mum they used to have.

Anybody else managed to stop?

It's just an idea ducky

Obviously I don't know your ds but could be worth a try

God, ducky, that sounds really hard are you ok now?

I cut my hand today (not badly, but it stung!). Normally I swear and snap at the kids when something like that happens. But today, I just said "ouch! No it's ok, mummy's just hurt her hand" and DS came over, took my hand, and kissed it. He has NEVER done that before. Can't believe how quickly we are making progress!

wow, I feel a bit ludicrous being on this thread as I have just the one DD and a very fab, hands-on and helpful DH which make me very and that I can be such a horrible shouter as I really have no excuse, circumstances-wise.

However, we had a good day today, DD was angry when I switched off the TV this morning (I seem to have typed that a number of times!), despite knowing it was going to go off, she clenched her fists, grimaced and flung her cushion down - before I would have told her off but today I just said 'oh, can I play flinging cushions' and we both merrily flumped cushions around for a minute or so.

Lovely day with Grandma, only other tricky point was her getting up and fiddling with stickers partway through dinner, not helped by me not eating with her as still stuffed from lunch and DH tucking into a bowl of cornflakes, but I somehow got her to sit back down (can't remember how now!). Meals are often tricky, she's fussy and not that interested in food so getting her to sit through even a small meal can take ages and be rather fraught. I get fed up of having to read to her all the time and even spoon-feed her.

and [tea] for those who had a hard day - the fact that we're all on here wanting to make things better for our DC says it all really.

crazylife, yes ok now! ha he didn't mean to, just flings his head back all the time and my poor nose broke his fall today.

He doesn't seem to feel pain very much though so thought it was hilarious!

I know I haven't started Not Shouting yet but I feel better already.

Probably naive question, ducky, but can ed psych suggest how you show your disapproval? Is he old enough to understand if you tell him how you feel?

Despite our awful morning, we had a better afternoon, and got cleared up before tea so were able to play a game together before baths and bed. DS1 was very grumpy though, and I couldn't help feeling it was my fault for being such a bad role model. Still, onwards and upwards.

CrazyLife it was 4 hours sleep plus a full day at work and DH had locked the fucking bathroom door

I had chicken Kiev for my dinner (thank you for the inspiration whoever it was on this thread) which has made me happy! Time for bed (after two loads of laundry and an online grocery order - ooof).

Ah the ed psych's not much use to be honest blueeyeshadow, she's sure he only pulls his brothers hair because he likes the feel of it, and so I should shave ds1's head.

He understands a lot, just conveniently seems not to if I'm telling him not to do something.

The last couple of days I've started bribing him with a toy he wants or his blankie if he'll lie down for me to change his nappy (instead of shouting) which works.

So hopefully he'll understand the new tactic!

ducky @ ed psych. Some of these people are insane! I work with children with additional needs and have come acroos some very strange advice from OT's and the like.
One thing I did try with one child who often pulled hair, was I bought some of the clip-in hair extension things from Claire's Accessories. Kept this girl happy for ages, she'd flick, stroke, shake, chew it. The reason I went for it was because she was pulling her own hair out, was looking bald in some places so I thought maybe I'd try something a similar colour, texture and movement and it worked for a while.

I think most children are how to describe, understand most things unless you are telling them not to do something, my children lose the ability to understand, hey, even to hear when they are being told something they don't like

Goodluck with the new tactic, fingers crossed you guys can find something that he'll respond to. When mine were younger, I tried a happy/sad face chart where I had lots of cardboard faces that I would hand them depending on behauiour. They had a booklet they they could stick them in (velcro) and at the end of the day we'd count them up and if more smiles than sads they'd get a biscuit with bedtime milk or something, but I think even that instant smiley face helped at some point. I stopped (and this is the reason I don't use sticker charts or anything) because they can be lovely but once I pipe in with a sticker or saying "hey boys, you are playing lovely together/that was a really good choice/thank you for helping me/ etc etc etc" it's like they think 'Crap, I was being good, I'd better just thump my brother, give mum something to do'
Anyone else?

Managed another day of no shouting and trying to reinforce good behaviour - DS1 commented on how much calmer I seem to be this morning, which I guess has to be a good thing.

Silverymoon - hugs. Yes, leave DS1 at home - the problem with threatening consequences is that you HAVE to follow up on them. Just make sure that they are consequences you are ok with following up on. And today while things are calm explain to DS1 the importance of personal hygiene and why showering/bathing is different to water play - at 7 he will get it.

Ducky - hugs to you too. Hope today is a better day.

silvery yes insane!
It's naptime and I haven't shouted yet, despite ds1 having a full meltdown about rice at lunch and ds2 chewing up chicken and spitting it out!

Haven't tried the new tactic because he hasn't been scratching/ hitting/pulling hair... odd. Maybe because someone on here mentioned playing a game and I realised I hadn't played with them for ages, just policed them. So lots of playing today.

Onwards and upwards.

I'm ready to go fucking nuts with them now. A morning of not listening. I have asked them to tidy away their shoes and toys and they are insisting on playing on their bikes. Don't know how to force them to tidy without screaming and really losing my temper with them. No shouting only seems to work when they get to watch TV or do things their own way. Very, very pissed off right now. Will try not to scream.

Red I used to tell mine that the toy fairy would think we'd left the toys out for her, so if they weren't away at bedtime, I'd put them in a bag in the back of my wardrobe. The boys would be a bit upset the following day and I'd just remind them about the toy fairy. They tidy up now.
I have one child who is a nightmare if he feel slighted in any way. I literally dread every time I have to tell him or do something he won't like whixh is why I still took him to the park today after telling him yesterday he can't go.

Red - sorry about your horrible morning. Did you manage not to scream?! In your position... I'd have taken the bikes away until they'd done as asked. It might have resulted in half an hour of tantrums, but they'd soon realise.

Day 7 here, and going strong. Well, I did shout "DS!!" Today as he was throwing things in the garden and they're always losing things over the hedge. But he stopped straightaway and didnt seem "harmed" by it...

I'm actually enjoying my DC now, rather than seeing them as getting in the way of everything.

Last week I was counting down the minutes until I could have a bottle of wine of Friday night. This week, I suddenly realised its Friday tomorrow and I can get a bottle of wine. That must be progress!!

Afternoon all.

Well I buggering shouted at them today, for the first time since Sunday :(

We'd been out all day, and they were hungry and cranky.

So I was making us all a sandwich, when they started fighting at my feet about who was having which plate and my sore toe got stood on, so I shouted at them to go and sit down and stop fighting. :(

Dd went all wobbly lipped, and ds went....you shouted!!! Grrrrrrrr.

Aw Liberal, that was 4 whole days without shouting! I'd say that's something to be proud of.

I've had a couple of "DS" shout moments, but rapidly corrected myself to a calmer voice so think I'm doing ok, but not perfect. DS much happier. Me too, much calmer.

Strange isn't it. All the time I thought he was only listening when I shout. Turns out he'll listen fine if I don't. Bloody difficult though.

liberal - I think once in 4 days when provoked with bickering and pain is good going!

Today went ok over here, fight with dd1 over getting dressed this am but just about managed to not raise my voice and just be normal but stern over what needed to happen. Had to take the baby gym off them this pm as they were demolishing it. I was calm, they shouted a lot!

That's the thing red - making sure the discipline still happens! Hope you got some tonight to make up for a challenging am.

Pomme, I think that's the key thing I've learned - yes I can be stern when it's needed, I just don't need to shout anymore. I'm so much calmer and I'm amazed what a difference something so simple can make.

May I join in? I don't like who I've become. I've a 4.5 yo, 2.5 yo and 3 month old. I'm a sahm who lives in the sticks.

I want to cut out the shouting altogether. The dcs don't deserve it.

I've read the books, use a lot of the methods but still raise my voice. I was raised in a shouty, shame and blame house. And I know it doesn't lead to anything but hostility. I have to stop before I turn in to my mother.

Maybe this will help.

I shouted a few times yesterday. So this is Day 1.

I'll join you masterflea. I know I'm not a bad mum. For the most part I have a lovely time with my DD (2.9) and DS (5 months) but when the tiredness and frustration hits me the shouting starts.

I hate myself for shouting at them. I feel so ashamed that I've ruined what would have been a nice day.

My mother shouted all the time and smacked us hard with a face filled with fury. I won't ever forget how miserable she made us. I have never hit my children but I do shout at DD.

I've realised since reading this thread DH doesn't really shout. Maybe if there is a very imminent and real danger. He was raised in a no shouting house. You can see the difference in us as adults.

I want to crack this before I start shouting at DS and the frequency of shouting doubles.

It's late afternoon for me too. The baby is waking twice a night still and I just get so tired. I know I should calm down and make a coffee instead of shouting.

Welcome Masterflea and PastaBow!

Day 4 here. Much happier house already. The only one still shouting tho is DD1 (5.9) so need to encourage her a bit more. God, I can hear her now absolutely screaming at her brothers: "don't you ever, ever do that again"! (Sounds just like me )

I know what you mean buffers. That's what's spurred me on to join, that DS is starting to shout at us and at his sister. It sounds just like me. I don't want him to have to battle with being a shouty parent when he's older either. Am really going to try to break the cycle.

Minor failure just now as tired ++ and trying to pack for hols with harmonica loud in my ears. Stopped myself though and said sorry. Not good enough but I'm trying. Onwards and upwards.

Are you all finding that when your dc shout at you, it's actually making you more calm as its reminding you? May be just me, but the shouting matches between me and ds are a thing of the past I'm sure.

It's just times like yesterday when they're fighting around me and grabbing me in the process,I need to be ready for, going to try stepping right away, see what happens.

Good luck everyone! :)

Made it through day four yesterday

Staying at my mum's for a week with the boys and she is a shouter (it was how she always dealt with us as kids).

She has raised her voice at the DC a couple of times since we've been here. Not sure whether to say anything or just leave it (I'd obviously say something if she properly screamed at them but don't think she would). Think probably best to leave it and just carry on being as calm as I have been the last few days with them.

Seeing my mum sweat the small stuff and get stressed about stuff that doesn't matter just reminds me how important this is to me.

I can't believe how much better I feel and how much better their behavior has been. Thank you so much for this thread!

Well done to all those non-shouterers! And commiserations to those who have slipped - I slipped this evening too. :(

DS1 was sitting on the chair, holding the hobby horse across his knees, and tbf I hadn't even noticed, up until the point where DS2 picked up DS1's school bag and rushed at said hobbyhorse with the bag held out in front of him. Except that of course the end of the pole (and it's just a pole, no wheels or anything) deflected the bag aside and the pole narrowly missed Ds2's head. I then shouted at DS1 not to do anything so stupid again, how dangerous etc. etc. I feel bad because it's partly down to DS2 running at the pole, I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it if DS2 hadn't done that but it scared me how close Ds2 came to getting the end of a pole in his face! No excuse, I know. :(

Can I join please?
I'm becoming more out of control with my outbursts since my dd hit puberty and is a lazy selfish narc.

It's not even my first go at this, I had 3 boys too all grown up now.

I shouted at them which obviously wasn't great but they just laugh about it now but dd is my catalyst because she tells me not to shout and has called me "abusive" which I guess is right when I'm in full meltdown.

So I'm going to stop and I feel that being able to share on a thread will really help.