I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

oops that was me experimenting with the web link - I posted this as I thought is was a fascinating and reassuring piece of research. In summary:

• 1 in 5 parents see their kids eating as a problem.

• The majority of picky eaters go on to gain weight just fine, though there is a slight increase in the number whos weight falters.

So the best solution (and one I often find very very hard to do) is to walk away and let them decide if they are hungry. I also find having a compost bin makes me obsess slightly less about waste.

Your meal sounds lovely OP - should have put it in a tupperware for tomorrow's lunch!

argh! this is the link
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?cmd=Retrieve&dopt=Citation&list_uids=17908727

If you tipped a plate of food over an adult, in the eyes of the law that is illegal and would be classed as some form of assault.

Abuse isn't just hitting, food denial etc. It comes in many many forms and this is one of them.

I seriously need to hide this thread.

It was a one off moment of anger that was wrong but I don't think it's fair to say its abuse. The mum knew it was a mistake and feels bad, the little girl will be fine. why don't you holy than thou parents get of your pedalstools and try to be bloody sympathetic. It wouldn't happen with an adult as they wouldn't push you to the edge like a child can. In years and years to come it will be an embarrassing story to tell round the dinner table. God sakes all you patronising people harping on, I very much doubt you never ever lose your temper and do something wrong. People are far too quick to judge instead of help these days and a lot of the people on here seem to relish in sticking the knife in. Yes it was wrong and will never be repeated so calm down and stop with the extremely unhelpful and to be quite honest snide comments.

Jacquimurray, if you read the OP's posts you will see she sat for an hour watching the dinner go cold instead of doing something sensible. She could have counted backwards all the way from 1000 several times in the course of that hour. This wasn't a moment of anger.

We all get angry in the course of our lives, and not just with children. Many people have a boss or a customer whom they would love to empty a dinner over. But we hold back and we don't do what we might like to even if we believe deep down that they richly deserve an earful or even a dinner over the head. People who don't hold back, who have a fit in the office or shout at a customer or client have crossed lines and ruled out better options, and on some level have allowed themselves to do that.

Yes it was wrong and will never be repeated so calm down and stop with the extremely unhelpful and to be quite honest snide comments.

How do you know this type of behavior won't be repeated? Do enlighten me.

no one has minimised this and no one has said she is a wonderful mother.

yes, they absolutely have done this.

They laughed, giggled. How is that NOT minimising?

Those of us who objected to what the op did were called smug, sanctimonious, perfect parents. How is that not minimising?

Jacquimurray1980 Why don't you stop throwing the accusation of 'perfect' at those of us who are objecting to what the op did.

You are being rude & it isn't helpful. We did not, at any point, say we were perfect. That is an insult that has been levelled at us from day one on this thread for daring to think that what the op did was not acceptable. Along with smug, sanctimonious. We are none of the above.

We just refuse to believe this was the fault of a 'rebellious' 3 yr old. The act itself WAS abusive. Whether it occurred in an abusive home, NONE of us can tell, one way or the other.

THIS is exactly why I would report an incident like this if I was an outsider. Because I wouldn't be able to gage if it was a one off or not. I would rather report 100 incidents & be wrong 99 times, than miss the one time it was needed. The op need not worry if this was a one off, because any intervening agency would see that.

They may offer further support, they may not, and at the end of the day, not many of us (inc me) here are qualified to say what this is, wrt being a one off or not, etc. Because we do not know.

I am worried because so many were happy to laugh at this. To blame the 3yr old. The blame for this lies squarely on the shoulders of the op, for losing control over herself & her dh for condoning it.

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes, but I learn from them. I haven't hit my child in anger, I haven't pushed them in anger, I haven't thrown food at or over them in anger. Or in any other emotional state.

I have smacked (I no longer do, this was almost 10yr ago, when new to parenting), I have shouted, I have picked them up & put them in their room. The whole time I was in control.

I have walked away, I have shut myself in my room. I take myself away. These are at the times I have felt like I was losing control.

It doesn't make me perfect
It doesn't make me smug
It doesn't make me sanctimonious

It makes me aware.
Aware of when I am feeling like I am failing
Aware of when I need to step back

It isn't hard either. I have been pushed to the end of my tether, but not once did I want to emotionally or physically harm my child because of their actions. Actions which are a normal part of child hood.

It was a one off moment of anger that was wrong but I don't think it's fair to say its abuse.

How do you KNOW that? That is my point.

You don't! So you need to stop saying it as if it were the truth.

stop with the extremely unhelpful and to be quite honest snide comments.

You have called us "perfect" "patronising" accused us of "harping on"

You are being snide, not us.

The comments on here that I read were snide and the way they came across from a lot of comments was oh I would never do that you are so disgusting etc and to me that is being sanctimonious and implying you are perfect.

And to brainmole how do you know it will happen again? Enlighten me please?

And differentnameforthis some of the comments were very rude and patronising I didn't say yours in particular did I? I said the people commenting who think they are perfect and you can clearly see from the comments from some that they do. If I'm being rude and making snide comments to those that I feel deserve it then if you're not implying you're perfect why are you getting do offended?

In my opinion I think a lot of the people on here are being too quick to judge and to be honest if you feel that strongly that it was abuse than report instead of taking things too personally that we're not directed at any certain person.

Mathanxiety I have read the op posts and yeah she did sit there and how do you know that in that time it didn't erupt to a second of anger?

And anothernameforthis I haven't been nearly half as rude as some the people on here for example saying they would not knock seven shades of out of her! That isn't helpful either

Well Jacqui, I haven't said it will happen again, but my thoughts are that it is likely that this type of extreme behavior is likely to happen again, because the bar is already set so low. Why do I think this? Because my previous work in child protection has shown me that this is a more likely outcome than not. Which is why I have advised the op to seek professional help. Of course there is a small possibility that it won't happen again, or something of a similar level, after all, nothing is certain in this world. But what we do know, what we are certain of, is that a 3 year old is vulnerable and unable to protect themselves. And with this in mind, the op needs to take the necessary steps to ensure this doesn't happen again. By seeking advice from professionals who are equipped to deal with this and deliver the best possible outcome for the sake of the child.

Brian i work with social services children's team so I completely understand the patterns and behaviours of some parents but sometimes it's just a one off and wake up call and I sincerely hope this was. I'm just very annoyed with don't of the people commenting who are giving nothing but abuse when help is needed. Hopefully op has learnt that this is not acceptable and will contact the right people for help and guidance and they move on from this. Just really annoys me that a lot of the comments were just so judgemental.

Absolutely terrifying how things like this can happen and oh 'come on mumsnet, speak about it and all is okay'

Fuck. That.

We are not a fucking confession box. We are not the ones affected by this action. We are not the ones who should absolve her.

And to brainmole how do you know it will happen again?

How do YOU know it WON'T happen again? Enlighten me please?

Tequila lady if you're not the ones affected by it stop taking it so personally and refrain from using your foul language, I think you have taken it too personally and you are coming across as judgemental. If we're not a confession box then we're not a judge and jury either so stop lecturing her on how she went wrong. And absolve her?? You're blowing things out of proportion. We all agree it was a dreadful thing to do and the op knows that and said she feels remorseful so she needs support to show her how to deal with it so it never happens again. Let's hope if you ever do anything wrong people aren't so condemning of you. Yes it was out of order and should never be repeated.

Differentnameforthis the op said she would never do it again so let's try and be positive and believe that. Nobody is taking it lightly but we are human mistakes happen and hopefully things will improve for the family.

Hahahahahah

'foul language'

You're on Mumsnet, perhaps Netmums is more suited to your tastes?

and you don't have to call me 'lady' :)

Jacquimurray, I always go by what is stated.

So if she didn't say she erupted in anger then I don't invent that and post it as if it happened.

Lady tequila whatever your name is there is never any reason for foul language and believe me I certainly wasn't calling you a lady as your comments reflect you are not. Completely childish attitude which is not helpful at all.

Gymboy I was just about to say that! "Eat it or wear it!" It was cereal in the book, wasn't it?

No, what the OP did was not okay, it was not good, she should not have done it, etc etc.

But ffs "irrational bordering on insane"? Are some of you for real? Obviously the food was not boiling hot. She did not slam her child's face into the plate. Some of you are acting as if she slapped her daughter across the face and then kicked her down the stairs!

Op I would definitely apologize, and think of some ways to get a handle on your temper.

No you were just trying to patronise me. Never mind love.