I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

Well it was all your post was fit for. It took a post of mine in which I was replying to someone else and quoted it out if context as if I'd just said those things for no reason.

Shame on you, seriously.

Also totally missed out my discussion with poster of that post and statement I know none of us are perfect. Still, fill your boots

Own what you post fanjo.

I do own it.

I said it isnfar more likely IMO that someone minimising OPs actions is feeling guilty about their own actions

THAN that someone calling it abuse is doing so because they are concerned about theirs.

I said I had it confirmed my parenting was OK inr esonse to that post which I felt implied I must be guilty of abuse because I am concerned about OPs actions.

Quite different when context is given isn't it.

And whats more I had then talked to the person who posted that and ironed things out

So to your spurious quoting.

Yes i made typos there. Have trapped nerve in neck.

I don't grammar spot.

I don't ever usually either tbh.

And my grammar was fine anyway

Anyway I am still agreeing to differ with people about this.

I don't think people will ever agree.

Throwing PAs around isn't helpful.

.

Mature

Seriously though all that matters is the wee girl.

No one knows anything about anyone's parenting on this thread ..except mine,,lucky me to need respite assessment eh..so bun fights are pointless.

I hope OP gets some help and the wee girl has a happy life.

End of.

Chocaluvva, it is not for members of the general public to refrain from reporting incidents that are truly troubling because of concern for the SS budget or how stretched SS are.

This is a general remark about reporting to SS and perhaps belongs in another thread, but it is foolish to suggest members of the public should take anything into account other than the possible abuse or neglect of children into account when making a decision about reporting.

And yes, there are vindictive reports, but they can be sorted out.

This by itself wouldn't cause me to be so troubled that I'd call SS though it would depend on how the mum seemed, exactly what she said and how etc; none of which details we can have on MB. I'd be more likely to make a point of inviting OP + DC round for coffee, walk to the park or something helpful.

If mums weren't put in such a difficult situation as OP - ie exhaustion, no help and pressure to seem to be parenting perfectly they would be less likely to reach the end of their tether. Instead of being reported to the state. Obviously safety of children is the first priority, but we need some compassion for the mums too. And recognition that this sort of situation is very difficult. How do you think SS would be able to help?

However, parenting classes might be useful for OP - ways to deal with demanding 3YOs for example.

The op does think she has parenting difficulties[cant be bothered to go over that point again]

BC. SS doesnt always get it right.

Can I ask, all those who dont agree with me and others, have you ever had anything to do with current day social services?

And have you ever reported anything to them?

Agreeing to differ is very good. I am all for agree to differ.

For me, the wider issue on to do with this thread, is what message it sounds out to other parents.

And it sounds out , loud and clear
"IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM PARENTING, DO NOT COME TO MUMSNET AS YOU WILL DEFINITELY BE BLASTED".

I know that that is slightly over simplifiying, but it does rule out thousand if not a million parents talking things through on here, and signposted to where they can go for help.

And the worst thing is, that that is up to a million kids that will suffer more, not less.

Surely, most of us dont want that? Do we?

thousands not thousand

and sends in the second line, not sounds.

Sorry [am not feeling my best right now]

I have had endless contact with current day social workers due to DD having a severe disability.

They would presumably not be involved in the op type cases I would have thought?

But you could ask one, next time you see one, as a hypothetical, the scenario on here, and see what she says? If you wanted to of course?

And so could other people on this thread who think that it warrants it.

The expression " put their money where there mouth is" springs to mind.

Im sure they deal with such issues.

I guess the thing is I have found them nice and helpful. And supportive. .not laughing at people

I think SS would want to check if there is more to this than an one-off.
That is what they are there for.

the fuck?

you're the adult, bloody well act like one.

For the lady who asked.

I've had plenty of interaction with social services, adult and child. I've had my home checked and my parenting to ensure my children were okay, I was having difficulties with my daughters behaviour and was her Carer. I am also a disabled parent and required care of my own. I've never had a problem with them, except that there wasn't a lot they could do for my daughter.

They referred me back to the school for management of her issues and the school did parenting courses and funded extra child care so that I could sort out my DLA and Carer. I got complimented on how well I cared for the children, that I fed them a great diet, and did loads of fun activities with them. They were also happy that I asked for help when I was struggling, that my children weren't at risk, so they couldn't actually offer any help.

It wasn't scary at all, they were very nice and as helpful as they could be. I have a full assessment where they state my children are not at risk, despite my daughters difficulties and my disability. Which shut up some of the nasty people. Am not boasting, just want people to know I actually had a nice experience and they weren't at all judgemental, quite the opposite. They want to help you cope and parent well. It's far easier to fix small problems at home with parents, than it is to remove children.

I'll be in touch with them again once I am housed for another assessment for care needs, I keep in touch with my old case manager and she has helped me with my homelessness issues, even though she no longer works with me. I'll also ask for another assessment in time for my fitness to care for the children as my daughters father is trying to tell me I am unfit, because I am disabled, to care for her. They aren't monsters, they are an agency there to help people in need of help.

Abuse in the terms I use it means a singular act, abusive is where the first act becomes the second and third and so on. My point is that if you brush off one act, it is far easier to slide down a nasty slope towards abusive. I know people want to be supportive of this lady, so do I. As a one off, I don't think she is a terrible mother, just one who needs to reassess her coping skills. I've been there, hated myself for it, and come out the other side.

I've also experienced childhood abuse and domestic abuse, and recognise how easy it is to allow certain behaviours to slide because they aren't a punch or a slap. Mumsnet taught me different, that abuse doesn't always leave bruises, but it can leave a mark on your life forever if you don't make changes.

Good post FanFT especially:

Abuse in the terms I use it means a singular act, abusive is where the first act becomes the second and third and so on. My point is that if you brush off one act, it is far easier to slide down a nasty slope towards abusive. I know people want to be supportive of this lady, so do I. As a one off, I don't think she is a terrible mother, just one who needs to reassess her coping skills. I've been there, hated myself for it, and come out the other side.

Also, of course there are many different types of abuse, but where there is one type there is often others, sadly, and professionals are now more aware of this. (NB;I am not saying this is necessarily the case here).

I went to the gp when I broke down crying in front of dd and realised I had lost emotional control and she had seen it. This was my wake up call and I went and asked for help.

The OP needs some formal help no matter where it comes from SS, GP, or whatever. She needs to make sure she never goes down this road again and gets to the route of her behaviour so she can control it/take responsibility and not risk damaging the dd.