I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

'If mums weren't put in such a difficult situation as OP - ie exhaustion, no help and pressure to seem to be parenting perfectly they would be less likely to reach the end of their tether.'
I agree with that Chocoluvva (sorry, I misspelled your name in my post earlier).

I also tend to think some mothers are resistant to reaching out for help because of perfectionism of their own, fear of loss of control, fear of scrutiny, fear of looking stupid, fear of being judged. They will bang their heads against a brick wall and battle their children for years, until someone grows up. Mostly it is the children who oblige.

I am lucky enough to have a sensible mum, who drives me nuts sometimes but has always had solid advice about dealing with babies and small children.
Another place I would look for advice or pointers to reading material or online experts would be the teachers my small children saw daily. I would assume they were qualified and experienced in dealing with all sorts of 3 yo behaviour. Since the DD goes to a preschool, consulting her teachers has been advised. The HV is another potential port of call.

But a mother has to be able to recognise that a running battle of wills over food that goes on for many weeks isn't winnable and that engaging in it is damaging the relationship.

I agree it's a terrible thing to have done but I feel the op's pain ! My now 4.5 year old has only just started eating properly after years of frustration, wasted good tantrums (mine & his) so I know how mad it can make you. He's only just sleeping in his own bed every night too - a very willful young man with nerves of steel. Lovely and adorable too. Food wise it was only when I made the decision to stop fussing and stressing at meal times that he started to eat. Once I started to say, in a normal everyday voice "okay then, you don't have to eat it, but that's it now until breakfast ' did he cotton on that he no longer held the cards. But my word it was a long haul...

wow, this thread has more mood swings than a spotty teenager!!

Some interesting points though.

I tentatively offer my services as a child protection social worker.

In my team, if we got a report like this, we would go and visit and do agency checks but probably get the HV and others involved onboard to support. Unless of course there were other issues.

It seems op needs support in rl

interesting you're brave ; )

interesting
Glad to hear that you and your team would take it seriously, and offer proper help instead of laughing at the face of whoever reported.

Rabbit, if you want to report the post then do, but otherwise your last post is not good form.

Point taken rabbit no, I am not Brian the mole. I am a regular mner but have NC, don't normally but I feel if I can help expel or settle some thoughts on this thread and remain able to continue my mn future I needed to.

I have been following this thread with interest since the beginning and there have been some good points and some that I and others have shuddered at.

I came in at this point for a couple of reasons, 1. clear up some arguments if poss 2. support op if hopefully not for her sake is still around 3. because I despair at some of the frankly unladylike points from apparent fellow mother's

I am wary of posters with no posting history. I think that we all should be on this forum, as intersting herself acknowledges.
It is like a complete stranger has just rocked up out of nowhere.
I appreciate that posters have to start from somewhere, but as in life, trust has to be earned over time. And even then, things can go wrong.

There are many things I'm not very savvy about, and knowing how to check someone's posting history is one of them!

Even if someone isn't who they say they are, you might be a bit , and rather , but why be wary? What possible threat can they be in RL? All it means is that you've had a conversation with a time waster, doesn't it?

I am interested in this. I also don't know how to check the history but as I have already said, I have NC for this post so not sure what it would show?

I am not wanting to judge, I am a parent as well as a sw and certainly not perfect or regretless. I am also a person.

I stated why I thought I'd join in my last post but happy to leave if I can't be a positive input

Interesting did not say anything particularly controversial in any case? I work in related area and what interesting said was what would have been my guess at what a child protection sw would say. I work in adult protection and the principles are the same.

i realise this is an incredibly long thread but every time i see the thread title i thin of tales of a fourth grade nothing by judy blume. does anyone remember when fudge went through a phase of not eating and in the end the dad got cross and said 'eat it or wear it?'

he didn't eat it so dad dumped the food on his head.

Even if someone isn't who they say they are, you might be a bit angry, and rather confused, but why be wary? What possible threat can they be in RL? All it means is that you've had a conversation with a time waster, doesn't it?

So very true! Why are people so obsessed with trolls and name changers? This is an internet forum. Proceed with caution. Things are not necessarily what they seem and it is a big mistake for anyone to take postings by anonymous strangers too seriously.

Peace all :)

I cannot believe how judgmental everyone is being (hotcrosshunny in particular - give it a rest, you've had your say). Obviously a line has been crossed and Orchardbeck clearly lost control but who here is perfect? Everyone knows parenting can send you barmy. You horrible lot!

Probably not the best thing to have tipped food over your 3 year old's head (in fact I would suggest you let her do the same right back to you - it'd make her laugh).

Don't do it again but don't beat yourself up and don't bother trying to apologise etc, she has no concept of her bad behaviour and its implications, therefore probably doesn't have much of an awareness of your behaviour (as long as it is a one off).

Don't slave over complex meals, keep it simple, she's 3! Simple foods with lots of encouragement, love and patience will suffice. Perhaps let her choose from a set menu?

Good luck - ignore the criticism! People have to make themselves feel good somehow.

I think a 3 yo can have a rudimentary concept of what constitutes unacceptable behaviour, and can certainly have a wide enough vocabulary and sufficient understanding to comprehend feelings and recognise what hers are. Plus the beginnings of an understanding that other people also have feelings.

So it would be possible to apologise, and it would be possible for the OP to ask her DD how she felt about the incident, and how the OP felt, and to talk about those feelings. Not in a 'Yes DD, you felt [whatever] BUT mummy felt [whatever] too..' -- which would be another way of saying, 'What you felt doesn't matter as much as what I felt'. The conversation should feature an apology based on admission from the OP that while angry feelings happen to everyone, we shouldn't act on our angry feelings.

I gather from your deleted post you are accusing interestedmole of being me rabbit.

Just to put your mind at rest, I have no need to nc on this thread. I wouldn't name change to be rude to someone, I'm happy to be rude in my own name. Although as far as I can see, interested is just giving an opinion based on the work she/ he does. Perhaps you could apologize to the other mole now for being offensive. People don't have to have a posting history you know, to be allowed to post here. Bit rude of you to try and put an innocent poster off from posting really.

I completely agree with that Mathanxiety. My dd at 3 would have had feelings about this and been able to express them I'm sure. The sooner you start apologising to them for your own poor behaviour the better imo.

I must have posted against mumsnet rules, so I am sorry interestingmole. I will try not to do it again.

I don' think OP needs to be told off my anyone on MN. She's probably feeling bad enough. I can't help you massively on food advice, OP but I have certainly reacted badly to things my kids have done and regretted it. Could you contact your children's centre for help? We had sibling violence issues and staff actually came out to see us at home and offered advice. Sorry you're having a stressful time.

What a load of very judgemental people on here, glass houses comes to mine. The lady knows she shouldn't have done it and will learn from it and won't do it again. I bet all the "horrified" commenters on here have moments of insanity when you're pushed to the limit and shout a bit too loud or use a threat that is near impossible to stick to. We are all human and being a parent is very hard and you feel like you're fighting a losing battle so rather than just judge why can't you offer support instead.

On the subject of this, my son does this and we have sat at the table for ages and he still won't eat it. I just serve up and bite my tongue when he leaves most of it and just say if you don't want anymore that's fine but there is no pudding. This usually but not always works. Just try making simpler meals that are still healthy but not as hard to prepare so that it eases the anger when she picks at it.

Keep calm and hope things get better

Shouting a bit too loud or using a threat isn't the same as dumping a plate of food on your child's head.

Actually, until people were straight with her the OP didn't seem sorry at all. Not one jot. Like I've said before she cared more about her sodding home grown veg.

I meant we can all to do things we regret in the heat of the moment and she knew it was unacceptable to do that or she wouldn't have posted on here. I think you need to stop being so quick to judge as none of us are perfect.

Omg. The vitriol on this post towards the OP is so breathtaking that it really makes me want to leave Mumsnet. I'm sick of reading this stuff. So rude, so judgemental, so obviously people who have lived very VERY far from the coalface. So like nobody I've ever met in real life.

If tipping a plate of food on a child's head in a moment of anger, which the OP obviously felt guilty about otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it), constitutes child abuse, then I feel very very sorry for all the kids in the rest of the not-so-privileged world, the African kids growing up in huts, the children surviving in refugee camps, the kids growing up on the streets of LA. Or all the kids who are subjected to actual child abuse.

For god's sake. A sad indictment of a modern nanny state where parents are put under horrendous pressure to be happy, happy, never shouty, serve perfect organic food, never discipline, ALL the time. So that we find bringing up children harder and more stressful than our own parents or their parents, despite all the modern equipment etc. I feel sorry for our children when they have children. A sad state of affairs.

Agree with you pjsgalore all these "perfect" parents on here who I are just slating her without any support need to get of their high horse and for the few that have commented saying they would beat the bleep bleep bleep out of her and do prison time etc bloody quite down and get a grip.