explaining gay sex

[BelleateSebastian]

My nearly 10 year old ds has just asked me how 2 men can have sex bloody Coronation street I explained the sex thing to him a couple of years ago, I subtly cowardly changed the subject, but I could see he was pondering the 'mechanics' he then seemed to have a 'light bulb' moment and hit the nail on the head, I confirmed he was correct, he didn't seem particularly perturbed and has gone to bed to finish Gangsta Granny!

Has anyone else had this question at such a young age? I feel like the very basics of sex is enough at 10 but it seems like everything is happening younger nowadays

It is irrelevant because they're children, it's not a valid sexual preference to a be sexually attracted to children whether they're a boy or a girl!

I was not trying to "intimidate" you over the spelling, you said your phone wasn't giving you the spelling and I was just trying to be helpful. It was something I struggled with (mostly trying to get autocorrect to spell paediatrician as my kids seem to have a 100 between them) until I learnt that ae is one letter.

Devora, thank you for sharing your point of view. I can totally understand, from the wording of the OP why you feel that way. She felt the 'basics of sex' was enough for a 10 yo. But in the end it seems she handled it well and didn't make her DS feel like it was a dirty secret. As HH says, many parents get a bit nervous about explaining the mechanics of any kind of sex to their kids.

I've always been very open with my kids about all kinds of relationships and sexuality. (We watch a lot of Glee so they're pretty used to seeing both gay and straight couples kissing and making out and expressing different forms of sexuality). But i have to admit I've never had to answer a question about the mechanics of anything but 'basic' sex (ie this is how a baby gets made and adults also have sex for pleasure). I will try to be better prepared for when opportunities do arise to educate them further. I really want them to take it for granted that there are all different kinds of relationships, different kinds of families, different kinds of sex and lots of reasons for having sex.

No, glucose's "joke" is still there. The "joke" that was deleted was racist to do with the date.

Of course I understand that parents don't want to get into discussing the detail of sexual mechanics. I'm a parent, too, and I'm no keener on this than anyone else. My point was is that it's part of your duty as a parent to think through how to do this, in an age appropriate way, about homosexual as well as heterosexual sex. There is no way we will get through our kids' childhoods without being asked about it - not unless we send a clear (if unspoken message) that it is out of bounds - and wishing it away won't help.

What kind of narks me, though, is the jokey conspiratorial tone that implies that OF COURSE it is that much worse to have to explain gay sex than straight sex. It's just a bit wearing when you've spent your life being treated as the 'other'. I'm not saying it's homophobic, but it is a bit unthinking. I can't tell you how many friends have 'jokingly' chided me, saying, "Well, thanks to YOU I've had to explain gay sex!". I've given up joking along now, I just mildly point out that they should be grateful they have a real life role model to make it easier for their child to 'get it'.

Comment is till there, post at 21:59:06

Thanks HH

Unfortunately I was sort of pushed into it earlier than I'd have liked due to abuse in my family but if it helps anyone reading even if it weren't for the abuse I'd have :
Started chatting about things at the age of about four using books, things on tv, age appropriate material, and extended it gradually from safe touching/nice touching/bad touching/also good and bad secrets, (surprise parties being good secrets type of thing)
Once that bridge was crossed it wa fairly easy to talk about periods, sperm, eggs, babies. How babies were made.
Repeating to yourself that you want your kids to be able to come talk to you about everything seems to help the most, you don't want them getting misinformation off others at school, you want them to be well adjusted, accepting, and safe when they start their own sexual journey.
You don't want them to be ashamed of who they are.

I was almost over the moon quite pleased when ds 16 confided he had run out of condoms, I found out where he could get them, went for the form filling bit, I'm glad he felt able to come to tbh and rather condones then to tell me I'm about to become a grandma!
If they're old enough to ask then they're old enough to know is my motto - obviously age appropriate

Of course moments where these things go out of the window like a few weeks back where sd (age 10) asked p, what's rape?
sigh

Yep, my 8 yo dd asked me on a packed bus recently why people rape small children. Not the question I expected or wanted . But I'm her mum, and it was my job to deal with it.

No co fuddled, I agree you weren't trying to intimidate me, that was left over ire and I'm sorry if you felt accused.

I also agree that no form of paedophillia is a valid choice but that's doesn't mean we don't need language to explain what a paedophile is, by extension then sometimes it may be necessary to differentiate between a man who is only interested in girls and a man who is only interested in boys. It doesn't validate that person choices just describes them effectively.

Devora, I absolutely agree with your sentiments, my best friends in laws told her that they were willing to accept that their daughter was gay because she(my bf) was quite pretty and that they were just glad it wasn't their son

8 pages later and I am still slackjawed at Nigella's comment.

WTAF? And we wonder why homophobic, bigoted attitudes prevail.

Things: previous abuse does kind of bring these things on, my dd is only 2 but I'm already on with teaching her that is not acceptable to touch another person if they don't want you to and vice versa.

It's a fine line between encouraging her to be comfortable in her body and making sure that she knows not be silent if people try to take liberties.

I was so very very young (4) when the abuse started I don't honestly see how my mum could have gotten in there first with anything that could have prevented it.

This is why even from tiny baby I have tried to teach dd about good touching and bad touching and about leaving other kids alone if they ask you to.

Another example devora, my ex said to me when we were discussing dds potential future relationships
"Of course it would be better if she was straight"
"Don't be ridiculous or doesn't make any difference one way or another"
"Of course it does of she's gay she will only have 10% of the population to choose from" (I know but I'm quoting here!)
"I don't see that it makes any difference what percentage of the population she has to choose from its finding 1 right person that matters"
"But it will easier for her to have a baby with a man"
"Not necessarily the man she loves may turn out to be infertile"

You get the gist anyway.

A friend of mine sat at my kitchen table and told me that she had never discussed homosexuality with her ds (10) as it had never come up as 'everyone we know is straight'. I asked her how straight she thought I was and she explained that as I am in a straight relationship then that meant that I was straight . I think it's similar to the way white parents often don't talk to their kids about race, or if they do it's a lot of fluffy stuff about everyone being basically the same without even a nod to the lived experience of the minority group.

But it doesn't matter, how on earth would it matter? What would anyone do with that information??? The only people that could possibly find it of interest is their therapist. Would you leave your daughter with a paedophile who only likes boys (or vv)?

It's not like we're talking about being hetrosexual or homosexual, valid choices, we're talking about someone who has a form of mental illness, it doesn't matter the details.

But again, this is mixing up paedophilia with child abuse which aren't the same thing.

As it happens I could have answered it, tactfully. But as she isn't my child and her dm would have thrown a hissy fit had she found out I had answered that question, I had to leave it to p, who basically ignored my advice and ballsed it up - her question was apparently because someone had told her that the reason her dm and p had split was because he raped her.

Aaanywayyy - I've had to discuss the ins and outs of rape with ds and drugged/drunk girls/boys and used the recent Steubenville case to help explain as well as other things.
I've told him to take absolutely no notice of what he sees porn actors doing, explained what lies beneath the murky waters of porn too.
I always worried I would awaken his interest in sex unnaturally early iyswim? But I wouldn't change it as it seems to have resulted in a happy secure balanced young man who knows he can discuss things with his mum as a friend. I'm happy with that

I had my comment deleted but I was just commenting how offensive I found Nigella's comments, and I'm the least pearl clutchy person.

We wonder why children are still growing up with misinformed opinions on others.

Realistic about what exactly, that gays are so sex crazy their at it in mens toilets, and to tell your son to be scared of gay men?

Do you see many lesbians in women’s toilet have sex?

George Michael.

Just sayin'.

But despite his preference for rather grubby locations for sex (a preference i am sure is shared by some women too), I am not aware of him ever having been accused of paedophilia.

In response to the OP, I have no idea how i would have responded but i am slightly more prepared having read this thread!

Riiiiiiiiiiight........

So George Michael was/is a keen cottager.

And this links to Nigella telling her 8 year old that if he goes alone into men's loos he will be anally raped by gay men exactly how?

Can we have a thread summary? A sort of 'What have we learned today?'.

Yes. She should have explained he was at risk from successful 1980s pop stars, and made sure he stayed away from Cyndi Lauper too.

leave Georgie out of this OK,, he is my brother.

It's that Sandi Tocksvig I worry about. I've told my dd to scan all public conveniences in achingly middle class areas for her......

Today I have learned that homophobia and stupidity come together.

That it's surprisingly easy to teach dcs about sex.

Under the circumstances, Nigella- I am actually shocked that you made that post.