Mums who can't or won't drive-is it a big deal?

[ianleeder]

I'm starting this thread as I get a lot of comments and remarks on why don't i drive. I pass my driving test 10 years ago and I don't drive as I'm not a confident driver, my road direction is terrible, I get anxious and nervous behind the wheel. I have 2 young kids (3 and 5) and I'm scared of accident and anyone getting hurt. My driving lessons were in London so when I passed, driving in London was a nightmare. I use public transport a lot as I work and live in London so didn't need to drive. Now I have kids and live out of London, most mums expect me to drive everywhere. I walk, use the bus and train with my kids now. I don't see not being able to drive a problem, in fact I feel relaxed and less anxious when I don't drive. I get a lot of criticism, yes I know not being able to drive is quite restricted in where I can go, my husband drive so he does the long distance and I walk everywhere locally with the kids. I have taken refresher courses in the past but it doesn't make any difference- I'm not a good driver.

Hi, I've not managed to read the whole thread, but I've got a 3 and a half year old and I've only just learned to drive, and we've just bought a car. We live in a city too so we're used to the bus, which is excellent around here, and besides, you'd have to be bonkers to drive into town and pay the parking fees, if you can even find a space. My in laws live in the country about an hour and a half away, so we used to borrow my parent's car (he drives) to visit every month or so. We live 5 minutes from a supermarket so shopping has never been an issue. Also, my parents never learned or got a car until I was 10, so I grew up doing the bus or walking, I'm a bit anti car sometimes. I've been a bit sometimes at friends and their attitude to getting about (eg driving a distance that is a 10 min walk).

I learned this summer though, and really glad I did, and I do like having the car now, as it can save time when going across town to visit friends, we can go to cheaper supermarkets that are further away to stock up (especially on the heavy stuff) and for the odd day out. We still use the bus a lot though, we never car it to town or work.

I'm still building up my confidence, so I've just done Pass Plus - you do a further 6 hours with your instructor after passing your test that covers motorways, country roads, night driving etc. I'm glad I've done it - so no more chicken excuses for me now!

I'd say that you definitely don't need to drive as a parent, especially if you live in a city, but it can be handy and a real time saver sometimes.

MIL has a terrible sense of direction and I always thought it was because she is the most unobservant person I know.

We took her on holiday with us one year and spent the morning walking into town from our apartment. We had the mountains on our left and the sea on our right. We even stopped to admire the view on several occasions.
When we decided to go back she had no idea which direction to take even though both the sea and mountains were in plain view. I pointed in the direction we had come from that morning and just said that we had come that way that morning so it would be the way to go back. She was astounded that I could remember!

I had no idea that having a crap sense of direction was due to some kind of dyspraxia. And I admit that because I seem to have an inbuilt satnav I find it hard to understand why some people struggle. I just thought it was down to not paying attention. I think I must owe MIL and anyone else who can't find their way around some kind of apology.

Not a big deal for us.

DCs are used to public transport (which is pretty good in our area) and walking a lot so it's not a problem at all.

The only thing it impacts on is that if we want to go somewhere we need to plan it a bit more (ie looking at train times, not scrounging lifts!)

OMG no, its not a problem at all.
There is nowhere I need to get to and can't.
It is so less hassle not driving, I don't think I could do with the stress tbh. The cost of running a car is far more expensive than using public transport, including the odd taxi

OP - sorry just saw your question to me. I have actually paid for 3 lessons (45) but only had two. I originally thought I would needed to drive to work and would have time to do them when ds2 went to preschool last September while looking for a job. But I found a job much quicker than expected, its full time and I take the train so I'm not so motivated and I can't justify spending the time away from the kids at the weekend now I see them so little during the week. I did do one Sunday evening drive after they were in bed but the instructor said the next one should be daytime for realistic traffic levels and I slept really badly afterwards as my mind was racing.
My bump at the weekend and this thread have made me realise I need to find the time to do this and find reasons to pop out in the car myself at the weekend.

I think it is easier to build your confidence when you are younger. Ok so this is a long way off for you, but our neighbour stopped driving and let her DH do all the driving. He now has Alzheimers and is in a residential care setting in the next town 10 miles away.

Obviously we all help her out with offers to get shopping etc but can't always take her to the next town to see her DH every day, and her grown up children live some distance away.

She really regrets not sticking with it, as she is now very dependent on others.

I have epilepsy and have never been controlled enough to learn to drive. we walk or get public transport. my dh drives so that makes it easier on weekends I suppose.
I think I'd like to learn if I could, maybe at some point in the future when I dont have seizures

for now, I'm content as I am

I think the point is the OP has moved out of London, a city with great public transport links, to a commuter town, IME all the commuter towns serving london have excellent public transport into London, and possibly towards the train station from other areas of the town, but if you want to go anywhere else, they are designed on the understanding you'll drive, if you'd stayed in London, not driving probably wouldn't restrict you and your DCs to where you can go and what you can do, but realistically, where you are now it does and the restrictions will become more obvious as your DCs get older.

Personally, I know it's hard but if you are able to pass a test, you can do it, it's just confidence you need to work on. I know it's hard, I found it very difficult when I got my license back (medically lost for a few years) and still am a nervous driver, but it is worth trying, if apart from anything else, for times like when my friend was at centre parcs and her DH managed to fall and twist his ankle on the last day. (and the point about the costs of running a car are rather pointless as the family already have a car they tax and insure for her DH, it's not going to cost much more to add the OP on the insurance).

There's lots of times when you might find being able to drive makes your life just a little bit easier, as you can drive but are just too nervous to do it, it seems silly to let the skill go completely. Get your DH to sit with you and go out this weekend.

(Or accept you are never going to drive and think longterm about moving to an area where it won't be an issue)

Yy I don't think there's anything wrong with driving per se (8 rarely drive myself as we are in central London) but there seem to be a never ending stream of aibus and wwyds on mumsnet that could be so easily resolved by learning to drive. I don't understand why parents move to isolated villages when they have no means of getting around!

Op it sounds like you don't have too many problems - my only warning would be, as others have said, thr driving is a bit use it or lose it - why not start to drive again (without the kids in the car if necessary). You could look into joining a car club if you are regularly in town and take one of their automatics out - they're only something like £6 per hour.

Another one here who has no choice (epilepsy), and although we deliberately chose a home on good bus routes/near a train station, I find that the older my DS becomes, the more awkward it gets (currently 7). Stupid stuff that never occurred to me such as, the Scout Hut is 25 mins walk away - lovely in summer, but total pain on a winter's evening when it's sleeting, he's supposed to bring stuff to Beavers - and when it's a relatively late finish, plus half an hour walk home before bed. Loads of parties not on a bus route which are a massive faff to get to (especially when something is on the other side of the city 30 mins after school finishes).
DS was doing a sport which was going to involve fixtures each week, and I realised I'm going to be That Parent who never pulls her weight...
I found it easy pre-school as I could simply allocate enough time to get to places - suddenly when they get a bit older, their horizons grow and their timetables tighten and things become more awkward.

I'm surprised no one mentions the safety advantage of driving I really am? Maybe I'm extremely paranoid but does no one else worry about not being able to get your kids in the car ASAP if necessary? It can take ages for emergency services etc to come if there was a need and waiting times seem to be getting longer and longer. Or what if your child is at a friends house or similar and there's an emergency?

Genuinely interested to know how people manage as I've had to do a quick a&e run twice so far and my kids are only young. Several times I've needed the car urgently when family or friends have needed help etc. often bus, train, etc takes ages, is subject to timetables etc. I can understand in some larger cities that traffic may slow you down but these days I imagine most people could drive to a hospital much faster than emergency services getting to them?

Well - a taxi would be slower than just leaping in your own car and going, and taxi drivers are not going to be willing to take every sort of emergency (ones that would involve vomit or lots of blood in the back of the cab), but taxis would solve the majority of those issues, I would have said, jamtoast.

I've not had to take a child to A&E yet, but if they are seriously injured/ill the advice is to always call an ambulance rather than try to drive them yourself - what if they deteriorate on the way, or suddenly need urgent care? You can't resuscitate a child or stop bleeding while driving.

But you'd have to ring a taxi and wait etc. plus I don't mean life threatening conditions as such but e.g dd1 burnt her hand once on a hot plate, another time dd2 fell off a bed whilst playing with her mates and whilst she was fine we thought she may have broken her arm. Both things are not really appropriate for calling an ambulance out but also painful enough to not be wanting to get a bus or sit waiting for a taxi etc.

I imagine such things increase with age of children so I expect many parents of younger children haven't considered such stuff yet I don't know?

I passed my test 15 years ago. I brought a little car immediately but then suffered a crisis of confidence and rarely drove it. My OH drove it occasionally but mostly it just sat on the drive as I found driving so stressful I mostly walked, got a bus or asked OH.

When I had DC however, I found that in order not to be completely isolated, driving was necessary. I forced myself to do it. I was so nervous at first but it got easier. Now I drive 20 miles a day and consider myself a good and confident driver.

If not driving works for you that's absolutely fine. But personally I'm very pleased that I can do it confidently now.

With a 3 and a 5 year old, it's probably not a problem for OP. But as the kids get older and want to do more after school activities, playdates etc, it would be tricky not to drive IMO. When I was working and we had a non driving nanny, there were activities the kids simply couldn't do because publice transport didn't cover the journeys.

I think it's the freedom it gives you - is being able to go anywhere at any time that is so helpful.

I also think about my 2 aunts, both of whom are widowed and non-drivers. They're very isolated. they would be far more independent if they had learned to drive all those years ago.

jamtoast if you have a minor injury you'll end up sitting waiting at the hospital anyway, so sitting at home waiting for a taxi is really no different (maybe better due to the presence of cbeebies or CBBC!).

In nearly 11 years I've had to take 1 of my 3 sons to A&E and that was a blue light job. They have all had a trip to minor injuries but the point of that is that their injuries were indeed minor and not worthy of a rush.

I can completely see why some people, in some places, cannot get by without a car but it is incorrect to say that no car = cadging lifts and struggling with life because that's not the reality for plenty of people (mainly living in cities).

I passed my test in October, aged 33 and 35 weeks pregnant! I had DS aged 2 when I couldn't drive and to be honest I did OK - we live in a walkable place and I commuted with him by train which was quick and quite easy on nice days. In rain or snow, though, it became a nightmare and that was what spurred me on to drive. I will admit I actually prefer to walk places and still walk a lot but on a rainy day like today, when the choice is either walk to playgroup and get soaking, stay at home or drive, I really really appreciate having that option. I don't drive every day even and am happy doing top-up shops with the pram but I do enjoy going and doing a massive shop with the car and being able to buy heavy things!

As I said, jamtoast, a taxi would be slower - but if the emergency isn't life-or-death, it is a solution, albeit not the optimum one.

And a taxi could drop you right outside A&E, whereas if you drive yourself and your injured child there, you would have to park (several counties away, if my experience is anything to go by) and then walk your injured child up to A&E.

OP... you have passed your test. You can do it. Don't put it off and regret it. You say you aren't a good driver - I beg to differ. You are just not a confident driver and you can learn that confidence. Without going into detail, I had a fear of something from 20 years ago that impacted on me and my career greatly. It nearly killed me to confront it and tackle it, but I did. The sense of relief and feeling of pride was enormous and you can do the same, don't close your mind to the possibility.

There are so many things that can happen in life - twists and turns and things that occur out of our control. What if you had to move because of your DH's job and you were even more cut off with regard to public transport, where the kids clubs are, access to all sorts? What if your marriage split up (ok ok, I'm sure this won't happen but nothing is ever cast in stone is it) and your DC's were totally reliant on you to get them around and you lived somewhere different? What if your DH became ill and he needed you to be the car driver? (I apologise for sounding doom and gloom). What if you had to get a member of your family to hospital for regular treatment?

As you get older, the harder it will become, that much is definite. Think of when your DC's are teens, should it always fall to your DH to pick them up at midnight from the party they have gone to, and he has work the next day? I knew a couple that didn't drive and I always did the late night run after a party and dropped their DC off and I resented it hugely. They were snuggled up in bed waiting for their DS to come in, whilst I was doing the driving... it's not fair and people will resent it.

I understand there are medical reasons for some people and that is so difficult. However, with you... there isn't. All the suggestions on here with automatic cars, satnavs, CBT to overcome issues with it, advanced driving courses are very relevant too.

I wish you lots of luck. Go for it!

I learnt to drive about 10 years ago whilst living overseas as a car was essential. I was involved in a very serious accident, but continued driving as otherwise I would have been stuck at home as there was literally no public transport. When we moved back to London I needed to take another test to get a UK license. I took some lessons while pregnant with first DC but felt sick with fear during each lesson and failed the test and realised that I was far too nervous to be a safe driver. This feeling has incresed over the years. I would love to be able to drive as I remember the feeling of freedom and independence it gave me but I would be incapable of driving my children as my fear of an accident and inability to trust other road-users makes me too nervous.

I have children the same age as you and only passed my test before my youngest was born. I managed not to drive for many years (living in and outside London). I didn't like driving at first, but forced myself to keep it up and do motorway trips etc that I'd rather not have done, but I knew I needed the experience. It's definitely worth it as the children get older, it's not essential, it just makes life easier.

I honestly think it's easier to drive outside London in towns etc. I recently had to drive into south London and it was mad! people just pull out in front of you, undercut you, beep you if you show 1/2 sec hesitation. If you find yourself a good instructor and do a few refresher lessons, it probably won't be half as bad as you think in your current town. Also with kids you tend to just do the same routes - swimming/ballet/soft play etc and I find familiar routes far less stressful.

OP well done for learning and passing your test in London, you should congratulate yourself on that if nothing else.

I'm just going to add a similar story to others. I tried to learn when I was 17. I was petrified and didn't do it. That was in a suburb of London.
Moved to a relatively big town and finally at 30 tried again. I didn't pass my test until I was 35 with two small children.
What put me off driving was my fear of it and other people telling me I should learn. It made me dig my heels in.i missed out on things when DS was little but I told myself it didn't matter.
I finally learnt for two reasons: getting a double pushchair on the bus was awful and we were moving abroad. Luckily where we moved to had really wide roads and not many cars so it was a three year practice for when we moved back to the uk.
I hate to say it but those people who told me the benefits of driving were right.
I have an automatic which makes things so much easier, I take a map everywhere with me. I plan my route beforehand if I am going somewhere I don't know, shopping is easier. I can go and see my mum an hours drive away without a 3 hour bus journey or DH taking me. I am much less nervous than I was but it took a lot if crying to get to that point.
DH was very patient when I was learning and now going on motorways. That helped.
I feel really proud of myself and a great sense of achievement but I don't ever think any less of someone who can't drive as it can be very very scary.
If you have passed your test then think about an automatic and getting on the road again.

I dont drive thought I passed test at 17. Hated it, tried several times sicne but still really hate driving. Prefer to cycle. Or walk. OH drives. I recognise that without him driving, our life would be a lot harder. We would manage but it would not be easy, would cost a lot in bus faares and would involve most weekend time being spent walking to/from shops and shopping rtaher than being able to go to park/take child swimming/museums etc as without the car home going to supermarket in the evenings when child is in bed wouldnt be possible so we'd have to use more weekend time to get this stuff done. We still often bring things home on the bike from work (having bought veg and fruit at nearby market at lunchtime) but you cant get everything that way and we still really rely on the car for the evening/weekend supermarket run about once a week and the weekend shop at the market about once a month - the one we usually go to about once a month as it saves us about £80-100 a time compared to the one close to where we live is 7 miles away (with free parking) so we couldn't really get there and carry all the stuff home any other way.