Mums who can't or won't drive-is it a big deal?

[ianleeder]

I'm starting this thread as I get a lot of comments and remarks on why don't i drive. I pass my driving test 10 years ago and I don't drive as I'm not a confident driver, my road direction is terrible, I get anxious and nervous behind the wheel. I have 2 young kids (3 and 5) and I'm scared of accident and anyone getting hurt. My driving lessons were in London so when I passed, driving in London was a nightmare. I use public transport a lot as I work and live in London so didn't need to drive. Now I have kids and live out of London, most mums expect me to drive everywhere. I walk, use the bus and train with my kids now. I don't see not being able to drive a problem, in fact I feel relaxed and less anxious when I don't drive. I get a lot of criticism, yes I know not being able to drive is quite restricted in where I can go, my husband drive so he does the long distance and I walk everywhere locally with the kids. I have taken refresher courses in the past but it doesn't make any difference- I'm not a good driver.

[cheminotte]

mini - advanced driver training is like driving lessons but you already have your licence and you can focus on the bits you want to. If you google it with your home town or county you can see what is available locally. My local one offers 1 hour taster, 3 x 1,5 hours or the whole course. I have started the 3x 1.5 hrs. Like many above I have a driving license but avoid driving as much as possible and take public transport to work. On Saturday I drove to a friends house and managed to scrape the car in a tight spot that wasn't that tight but I panicked.

[Bunbaker]

"however food shopping is a nightmare - especially as I have hip/back problems."

Why on earth don't you shop online then?

[ianleeder]

Cheminette: how many lessons did u take to feel confident again?

[Mrswellyboot]

I was terrified learning how to drive.
I have to drive as live rurally and my advice is, you will get much more confident if you keep at it.

However, when you are ready do it, not because some mothers are making you feel like a lemon.

It is healthier and cheaper to walk. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone

[ianleeder]

That's great everlong! I might give that a go too!

[HandMini]

Thanks everlong. I need to do this for my DC. NY resolution for 2014 discovered.

[AgentProvocateur]

The fact that you "make silly excuses" if a play date is too far means that your unwillingness to drive is already impacting on your children, and is likely to get worse as they get older and play dates increase.

As others have said, none of us would be good drivers if we never drove.

[Bunbaker]

"I was terrified learning how to drive."

So was I. My family never owned a car so I didn't know the first thing about them. My driving instructor spent the entire first lesson just explaining the gears to me. It took ages for me to build up any confidence, but the reality is you just need to keep getting behind the wheel of a car to get that confidence. Everlong's advice is excellent as well.

It is all very well saying just walk or catch a bus, but it does limit your options to where you can get to. Without a car DD wouldn't have gone to any soft play parties at primary school, or any of the parties she has been invited to at high school, or done Rainbows/Brownies/Guides, or any after school activities at high school, or got to any of her hospital appointments without missing an awful lot of school.

[Lioninthesun]

I don't drive either but would really like to. I live in a town but find buying anything that won't fit under the buggy impossible. I do a lot of internet shopping as a result. I did have lessons and took a test (don't ask) and the teacher was really lovely - let me drive to the next town along and park in Sainsbos Sadly I stopped lessons when pg and was so tired I felt I wasn't able to focus enough. Since then she has changed her number, so I have tried with AA. My teacher is really horrible and has eroded any confidence I had. She says things like "did I have to tell you to use your mirrors? Well, yes I did so you only get a 2.5 out of 5 for mirrors today. Next, signalling. Did I have to tell you to signal today?..." and on it goes until 30 points are covered and I failed all of them, just like the week before. I have now cancelled them until further notice as I was not expecting to fear 'meeting traffic' after having taken a test before. Nervous wreck now! I can fully empathise with you OP. It is the scariest think I think most people can do daily, and mostly seemingly without thinking.

[Xfirefly]

it's not a big deal if you don't rely on people all the time to give you lifts etc. in your case you walk and use public trans etc and are happy with it so ignore other people. I'm a nervous driver too but luckily live small town/countryside.
My MIL on the other hand doesnt drive but thinks people should chauffeur her around. she has a free bus pass but still nags BIL TO drive her everywhere. she moans we don't take dd down to see her when she could use her free bus pass to take the ten minute journey to us.

sorry I went on a MIL rant

[Dwerf]

I can't drive, never learnt, took a few lessons and scared the shite out of myself. I loathed it. But I live in a city and I rarely feel the lack.

Until my daughter was in and out of hospital, then it would have been bloody handy. I once had to beg a lift at 3am to a hospital 20 miles away. Not fun.

[cory]

I can't drive because of poor eyesight. I did try not to make use of other people but at toddler group etc naturally we took turns to organise things and the others weren't very interested in organising things locally. That wasn't my fault though, and I always tried to be independent and get there on public transport if at all possible.

Never had a problem with getting children to hospital though dd was ill a lot. Always kept emergency money for a taxi in a special place. Still cheaper than buying, running and insuring a car.

[nibbysmum]

I have to say as a mum I'd hate it if I couldn't drive. Like anything though it's personal choice really whether you want to or not but it certainly gives one a lot more freedom. If I was anxious about driving id probably try and nip it in the bud because I feel I can give my son more experiences in being able to drive. My OHs parents didn't drive and as a consequence he'd been to seaside once with his gran. His parents could never be bothered to take several modes of transport to go anywhere. In that respect he's definitely been scarred as he has missed out on s lot of childhood experiences. Of course that's not the same of everyone

[Slh122]

I don't drive and although know I will need to at some point in the future, I can't really afford to learn right now. I fell pregnant when all my friends were passing their tests, so had to give up my driving lessons as I really needed to save the £40 a week that it was costing me.
I don't find it a problem - OH drives and I live in a small town in between 2 cities so usually get the train if I want to go anywhere, or just walk with the pram. We do the big shop in the car at weekends.

[spiderlight]

I've passed my test and drove for years, but I had to stop about twelve years ago because of health problems. I still have my license and am legally allowed to drive, but I still don't feel well enough to be safe behind the wheel, so to all intents and purposes I am now a non-driver. It's a pain in the @rse and I hate it, but we've got used to it. DH was a non-driver when we met but learned to drive when it became obvious that I wasn't going to be back behind the wheel any time soon. I really felt it last summer though - he broke his ankle right at the beginning of the school holidays, so poor DS was stuck with useless wonky mummy only being able to take him to very local parks on the bus. I'd give anything to be well enough to drive again, although I don't know that I'd be brave enough to even try any more :(

[Mojang]

The nice answer is of course of doesn't matter and it's your own business but it does.

IMO not driving in the modern world is like not being able to read or write or use a computer. You might "manage" for long periods but it seriously restricts your life opportunities. I have had a number of jobs that I just couldn't have done without driving. My children have seen and done things that simply wouldn't have happened if we weren't able to take them by car. OP has said that happens to her DC- she doesn't go if it involves driving which is fine if that's what she wants while they're young but what about when they develop an interest in a sport that's not available locally?

Op also says she's careful not to scrounge lifts, which again is "doable" when DC are small but what about as they get older and their friends and interests are more spread. You will be the parent who never takes their turn at driving. If you live in London or similar maybe it's different but otherwise either you and your Dc miss out or you have to scrounge a lift.

It's not anyone's business but your own and there are worse "problems" to have but IMO, it does matter. You miss out on so much by not having the added freedom that driving brings.

That said, complete reliance on the car is a disadvantage in itself - you all also miss out on loads if you never walk/bus/cycle anywhere.

[jennifleurs]

I don't drive because I know I can't afford to run and insure a car at the moment. I've only been ok n my current (part time as single parent) job for 4 months and have no savings to fall back on if a car needed repairs etc.

Tbh I'd love to be able to drive but im 40 now so wondering if I will ever get around to it. I don't like public transport and almost all my friends (or partners) drive. They are surprised I don't. Just comes down to finances for me - I'd rather spend spare money on things for DS, our house or holiday!

[jennifleurs]

Sorry *only been in my current part time job

And I'm 30 not 40.

I really am shit on this new phone :(

[OneEggIsAnOeff]

If I was anxious about driving id probably try and nip it in the bud because I feel I can give my son more experiences in being able to drive. My OHs parents didn't drive and as a consequence he'd been to seaside once with his gran.

I so agree with this. I didn't nip it in the bud quickly enough and now have a mountain to climb. We are blessed where we live to be close to the coast and moors but they may as well be 1000 miles away. I would so love to be out and about with ds having adventures before he starts school, rather than being stuck in the village. I can even have dp's car most days - i'm just too scared to drive it.

[specialsubject]

you have made the sensible decision that you are not capable of safe driving and so don't drive. As long as you are independent with travel (sounds like it) where's the problem?

[trixymalixy]

"Everyone would be a 'terrible driver' if they rarely got behind the wheel....maybe just some practise with a really patient passenger would help."

I agree totally with this too. I developed a bit of an anxiety about driving after not driving for years. We moved somewhere where it was really difficult for me not to drive, so I just had to get on with it.

Tbh, it was the best thing for me and I'm really enjoying driving again.

Why don't you try with an automatic. It means you are able to concentrate more on what's going on outside the car.

[SpookedMackerel]

I can drive but we don't have a car. Dh commutes to work by bus and train, I am a sahm. We do live fairly rurally, but there a handful of shops in our village, we can walk to school etc.

It does sometimes make things slightly more difficult having to use buses and trains - it takes me an hour to get to my friend's house by train and two buses, whereas she can drive to me in fifteen minutes. It's annoying if we want to buy something bulky, and it's harder to make economies of scale at the supermarket when you have to drag everything back by hand. There are some things we just can't do because getting there by public transport is just too long and tortuous.

But I like that my children are used to walking a lot, and that they see public transport as something normal. I don't really miss having a car day-to-day, I'm now used to managing without. I occasionally think it would be handy for a specific thing, but generally we cope fine.