Mums who can't or won't drive-is it a big deal?

[ianleeder]

I'm starting this thread as I get a lot of comments and remarks on why don't i drive. I pass my driving test 10 years ago and I don't drive as I'm not a confident driver, my road direction is terrible, I get anxious and nervous behind the wheel. I have 2 young kids (3 and 5) and I'm scared of accident and anyone getting hurt. My driving lessons were in London so when I passed, driving in London was a nightmare. I use public transport a lot as I work and live in London so didn't need to drive. Now I have kids and live out of London, most mums expect me to drive everywhere. I walk, use the bus and train with my kids now. I don't see not being able to drive a problem, in fact I feel relaxed and less anxious when I don't drive. I get a lot of criticism, yes I know not being able to drive is quite restricted in where I can go, my husband drive so he does the long distance and I walk everywhere locally with the kids. I have taken refresher courses in the past but it doesn't make any difference- I'm not a good driver.

Having had a range of cars over the years. Auto' are much easier for the more nervous. Also, highly recommend sat nav. You dont have to think about where you are going and at night its a godsend. Gives you loads of confidenc.

I really think it depends. I drive but dh doesn't. We have one child and yes when we go somewhere by car I drive but mostly I don't drive and the car is an expensive luxury. And that's also taking into account ds is disabled and can't walk. Even with blue badge parking it's usually easier to walk, cycle, or take ds on his trike.

I'm happy to give anyone a lift if I'm driving though, but if I'm not because driving is a pain for me and I'm walking so should they!

Yes handcream I saw the buses in tube strike day. And used them, as I have every other time.

DH drives to work so I'd have had to walk the 25 mins to an overground station even if I could drive. Anyway, it's not the norm.

More importantly, you can offer a lift if your friend is struggling with kids in the rain but seriously, not everyone expects it. My kids have turned down loads of offers of lifts before I've had a chance to decline because they like walking in the rain

I dont drive currently although I have a licence. My personal pros are maintain very slim figure from all the walking, super fit and good for the kids. I never turn anything down even if its 10 miles the children are fut enough to handle it.

I dont except lifts as wont go in other peoples cars as they dont have car seats

Hermione, I have an eye condition which means I have no peripheral vision in my left eye plus I am dyspraxic. I know I would be an unsafe driver as have tried. I don't drive, therefore. Luckily, I live in London so this isn't really an issue. But I grew up in the States so I totally empathise.

Ironically, ime, those who lecture me about not driving are also the ones who complain most frequently about how many incompetent unsafe drivers are on the roads and should get off them.

I doynt drive but really need to learn. This winter has really driven that home for me...it's -20 and I've had to call in constant favors to get DS to school a few blocks away as it's too cold to walk with baby DD in tow.

I have a driving licence but stopped using the car in 1998. Yes, I do feel I should go back behind the wheel, mainly to go to the supermarket. But up until now, I've managed without a car.
When our children were small we lived in a small city in England, where it was easy to walk pretty much everywhere or take the bus for a short ride.
We now live in Milan, the children's school is 5 mins walk from where we live, and I try to find activities near where we live or easy to get to by public transport (which is quite efficient here).

We are lucky though that we live in a semi central area, with lots of buses and trams, and a car is not really that needed.

I didn't drive for years after I passed my test at 18, and was terrified of driving. Hoewever, I made myself do it when I needed to drive for work and am very glad I did although it was really tough and stressful at he time. I can't say I enjoy driving but I do it every day and am competent. I now live somewhere with literally no public transport which would be impossible without a car, and my children's lives would be much more restricted. I think it's important you don't confuse being anxious and lacking confidence with "being a bad driver" - for some just passing your test is not enough and you need a longer, more phased period to become an independent, confident driver. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with not driving (and in some situations it's really not necessary) but it is a useful skill and I feel quite proud in having overcome my fear and being better able to support my family because of it.

Same story as Everlong, and similar to you OP, I passed my test (aged 17/18) in London, on a manual, got freaked out by driving in London so I stopped. I think I have reduced visual spacial awareness, found it v hard to change lanes and gauge distance etc. I used to get nervous the whole day before I was due to drive and would plan the journey to see if anyway to do it without ever changing lane!

Lived overseas where taxis were as cheap as public transport then 7 years ago moved somewhere where taxis cost a bomb and public transport not easy and was living in the sticks.

Couldn't imagine driving again but felt I had no choice as I had to be able to do the school run. I booked a few lessons and bought a small automatic and just practised a handful of journeys, never deviating from those and they were literally just to the shops (where they had a big open car park), school and one or two friends' homes. Did not go anywhere else to start with but gradually, 7 years later, have advanced to a bigger car with rear beepers and big side mirrors and so long as I stay local and am not driving in major cities am pretty independent. I don't give driving in the country a second thought now unless am somewhere unfamiliar but my radius has increased as has my confidence.

If you haven't already and feel it would help, do try an automatic and book a couple of lessons. Take it v v slowly, practise one or two routes as often as you can to begin with and see how you go from there.

Good luck!

I didn't even bother learning to drive when I lived in the London area. I commuted by train and underground and a car would have only been used at weekends, so it wasn't worth it.

There are loads of valid reasons on here for people not to drive and don't understand why these people are still pressured to learn, especially those with sight problems.

I think that if you aren't going to drive, you do have to factor it into your life more, so you can't move to that bigger house with better schools if it means crap public transport, you stay in the city. (As many said, not an issue in London or most other city centres.)

I must say, the lifts thing is harder than many non-drivers think, I have 2DCs and 2 car seats for them, the middle seat in my car isn't big enough to sit in now (because the car seats take up too much space) - and it's not good enough to say you could squeeze in, you can't get the seatbelt done up so it's illegal for me to take anyone in that seat. I have one spare seat, the front one, and that's it. If I saw a friend struggling with their DCs in the rain, then I couldn't offer them a lift. If you don't have car seats for DCs then you can't really offer them a lift either.

What Mojang said. Perfectly fine if you live in London or similar, but otherwise not driving can really restrict your life and opportunities.

Most importantly, I have lost count of the number of times I read an OP about a woman stuck in an abusive marriage/relationship who can't do X, Y or Z to get away from her husband because she doesn't drive and, more often than not, lives rurally or in a small town. A huge number of these posts note that the woman cannot drive, which often makes her much more dependant on an abusive partner.

I see driving very much as a life skill like swimming - you don't have to like it or be fantastic at it, but you do very much need to be able to do it if you have to.

BTW - OP, it's so expensive to learn to drive, do you not feel it was a termendous waste of money not to use the skill? I was scared after years of not driving, but I'm glad I did keep the skill up, much easier to get more confident at doing something if you do it regularly I just need to do more motorway driving as I'm seriously crap and nervous still at that

"Most importantly, I have lost count of the number of times I read an OP about a woman stuck in an abusive marriage/relationship who can't do X, Y or Z to get away from her husband because she doesn't drive and, more often than not, lives rurally or in a small town. A huge number of these posts note that the woman cannot drive, which often makes her much more dependant on an abusive partner."

Yes. I agree. A lady I used to work with was only a "local" driver. Her husband had a heart attack when they were away on holiday (in the UK). Their daughter had to get a train to where they were staying to drive them both back home because this lady would drive on the motorway or anywhere she didn't know the route.

I would hate to have to depend on other people in this way, but maybe I am just a more independent type.

Another example. Someone I know is married to a man who doesn't even want to learn to drive. One winter's night when their son was little the mum had to wake him up and get him out of bed to take her husband to his workplace to deal with an emergency. This man just doesn't want to learn to drive even though it has greatly inconvenienced his wife on many occasions.

Hmm, can see it both ways. If you are in London, you don't really need to but there may come a time when you wish you did.

My mum doesn't drive and when my parents split up it meant I often didn't have much of a social life as a child unless my friends' parents could take me.

I didn't drive until recently, my town is very spread out and when I found myself shoving a double buggy for miles in the rain like my mum used to I grew determined to learn to drive. It was expensive and difficult and I gave up twice but I'm so glad I did it.

Thank you for your comments.. I can see from the threads that I do need to drive esp when the kids are older. So what I gathered to help the nervous drivers are: automatic car, sat nav and advance driving classes?

And loads of practice!! ( even if you're shit at first ha ha!) Go for it! You can do it!

I can drive but choose not to because I like walking and it keeps me fit. I am also politically very pro public transport and very anti private motor car.

I recently moved to a small town and honestly- people are actually weird and unpleasant if you don't drive. What is that even about? crazy. Its like if you stop drinking alcohol and people keep trying to make you drink.

When I first got here I accepted offers of lifts here and there if it was raining (with a baby) etc. then I realised that the people offering were complaining about giving me lifts! so passive aggressive. It was like they were offering just so they could get all huffy about it.

Now I don't accept lifts from anyone and drive about once a week if the weathers too bad to walk as there is no public transport here.

People can definitely be weird about non drivers.

I have no idea why tho.

Have a look at this.
www.iam.org.uk

Or Google advanced motorists plus your county.

This thread has made me realise I do need to sort my issues out too.

I'm already dreading a journey on thursday even though its nearer than I've been today!

I'd add to your list (that helped me!), having a few regular journeys done a few times that I got more and more confident/comfortable with. (Eg supermarket run, to the leisure centre in next town, to an nct friends house that's in a nearby village).

Also found as well as the sat nav, looking at the route in advance on something like google maps so I roughly already know it, if I can do street view on particular junctions, that's also helpful. (So it's not just looking for road names, eg for one of my friends, the turning for the road into her estate is just after a library and before a pub, signs I can look out for).

And then just making yourself do it!

ianleeder - don't worry about it my story is identical to yours. I don't drive now and haven't for nearly 30 years.

Read about people with difficulty finding directions in this Guardian article.

Mild dyspraxia can make it very very difficult to drive. I can control complicated vehicles with no problem. I used to drive a combine harvester but I just can't deal with people, direction and a car all at the same time. I just gave up. Never looked back.

Fancy that. A bloke who cant drive. I would never have got a woman if I hadn't met DW at university when we were too poor to have cars.

Luckily she cant drive either. We just live near town centre in a nice easy small city. We love life without a car. I never cadge lifts - ever!

More beta; that article is spot on! My sense of direction is terrible, even in my home town!

I think for the op not driving is a problem because actually she wants to. So really the issue is not whether she should or shouldn't drive but how she can get back doing something that she wants to do.

Neither me or dh drive. Neither of us particularly want to drive and neither of us want to live the sort of life that requires driving. I love life in a small city with everything including work, shops and activities in walking distance. If we had a car we couldn't afford to live where we do and would have to move further out of town, which would mean driving or commuting to work. Really, I can't think of anything worse!

Like others on this thread I often turn down lifts. I know drivers seem to find this impossible to believe but sometimes it is even quicker to take public transport and much less stressful then getting angry in traffic jams.

I have always had an awful sense of direction. If I go to the loo in a pub I have been known to get lost on the way back. I realised when I took driving lessons at 35 that I probably have some form of dyspraxia, my instructor was shocked how I could drive the same route time after time and it was like a new journey every time
I did pass (first time actually but after a billion lessons and 2 instructors!) but I've hardly driven since. It stresses me out too much.
We have recently got an automatic car as dp is hoping I might get on better. We will see