Mums who can't or won't drive-is it a big deal?

[ianleeder]

I'm starting this thread as I get a lot of comments and remarks on why don't i drive. I pass my driving test 10 years ago and I don't drive as I'm not a confident driver, my road direction is terrible, I get anxious and nervous behind the wheel. I have 2 young kids (3 and 5) and I'm scared of accident and anyone getting hurt. My driving lessons were in London so when I passed, driving in London was a nightmare. I use public transport a lot as I work and live in London so didn't need to drive. Now I have kids and live out of London, most mums expect me to drive everywhere. I walk, use the bus and train with my kids now. I don't see not being able to drive a problem, in fact I feel relaxed and less anxious when I don't drive. I get a lot of criticism, yes I know not being able to drive is quite restricted in where I can go, my husband drive so he does the long distance and I walk everywhere locally with the kids. I have taken refresher courses in the past but it doesn't make any difference- I'm not a good driver.

Lie, claim a medical condition prevents you. They'll all shut up then

I passed my driving test years ago but rarely drive, really hate it. I don't expect people to give me lifts, I cycle to work and use public transport or at a push taxis. Still cheaper than running another car (we are one car family and DH has it for work during the week).

If it really bothers you then you need to tackle it, but not if it's just because it's something you think other people think you should do.

I am a bit of an old hippy tho, so for me there's an environmental aspect too...

It is a big deal for me. I can drive and used to, very happily. Then had a breakdown which left me with an anxiety disorder. Driving was one of the most difficult areas to overcome, but i did and started driving again, though only to places i knew. Then when i was pregnant i had to sell my car and haven't driven since (ds is now 3).

We live in a small village with very limited public transport and it greatly reduces what i can do with ds, and means i am dependent on dp to take me anywhere other than our very small local town. I can't even do the shopping on my own.

Probably sounds ridiculous to someone without anxiety (i'm not even a bad driver), and i would be mortified if people thought i was just being lazy by depending on lifts. I miss the independence terribly, so have lined up some counselling and cbt to sort it out once and for all - hopefully.

AfricanExport if your dc are teens, do they not just walk, bike, bus around town with their friends? When we were that age (from yr 6 upwards) we never relied on our parents for lifts everywhere, strange or is that just how is is these days? Ha, when we were 13, we used to get the train into the next city to go shopping. No wonder modern kids are overweight.

I always think that people who drive just don't understand that you don't always need a car, and people who walk ever where just don't understand the need to drive.

I can drive and do drive, but only when dh is not working as we only have the one car. We probably afford a small 2nd car but at the moment I don't feel the need for one.

I don't drive. I live in a city and public transport and taxis are fine, school is walking distance etc. I rarely ask for lifts.

Driving would be quite useful, but at the moment I don't have the time or money to learn so I just get on with it.

Tbh, I prefer if my kids walk locally than sitting in a car. I always walked as I rarely do any exercise at home. My boy is lazy and doesn't do enough exercise and he has a tummy so I make sure he walks with me.

I sympathise. I passed 7 years ago but all I'm really comfortable with is pootling around town, the longest I've ever driven was about 40 minutes down an A road to see a friend and I was shitting myself! I feel embarrassed when people try to organise playdates/days out with the kids at places that are a motorway drive away. I always come up with an excuse or suggest we car share (and give petrol money). I'm fully aware I am just a wimp and need to sort this out, but it is hard.

"Everyone would be a 'terrible driver' if they rarely got behind the wheel....maybe just some practise with a really patient passenger would help."

This ^^

I used to be a really nervous and unconfident driver. OH made me drive for part of every journey whenever we went out in the car, and I am so grateful that he did.

Does your partner drive? Do you feel guilty that he always has to drive or does he feel resentful that you don't? When we holiday in the UK we always share the driving, especially on 9 hour drives to Cornwall. It is massively unfair to expect one person to do it all.

Also, the number of distressing threads I read on here from parents who can't get their children to a doctor/hospital because their partner is out and they don't drive, is heartbreaking.

OP I am the same as you except I've just never learned. People are constantly asking me "When are you going to learn?"

As if it's the BE ALL and END ALL of fucking LIFE!

I say "NEVER. I get the bus, train or a taxi or oh...wait...I USE MY LEGS AND WALK!"

It's a frigging revelation! Legs! Who knew?

Thank you littlebluedog. I get nervous with a 10 min journey! I do feel embarrassed and I make up silly excuses if play date/ party is too far!

Bun If you need to get your child to a hospital THAT quickly, then you need an ambulance. If you don't feel it's justified then you call a cab.

I absolutely hate driving, I can't park at all (not an overstatement, I literally can't park, I can only drive into spaces and have panic attacks about going places if I don't think I'll be able to easily park.)

I can't go on A roads or motorways...
So I don't. All my friends & family know I can only get to certain places.

Im very nervous and use any excuse not to drive... If my best friend is with me, she just drives my car. Ditto with husband / other best friend & siblings.

But I do drive and have a car because it makes life so much easier, especially with children. I don't think they would have as nice a life if I couldn't drive, because it opens up lots of possibilities for us that we wouldn't be able to do on public transport.

I don't drive and most of the time its fine and doesn't bother me. live pretty close to most things and decent public transport to get to busy city.

however food shopping is a nightmare - especially as I have hip/back problems. and this weekend dd has been invited to 2 parties which we will probably have to decline as its somewhere inaccessible by bus/train (well 2hrs each way including a taxi ride too) thats when I regret not driving most as we just can't get to some places which dd's would love.

I passed my test, then had a medical reason to stop driving. I was given my licence back a few years later, but by then couldn't afford a car, and then it was a long time until I did have regular access to a car (when I moved in with the then DP, now DH). I was a terrible and unconfident driver, I'm still not great, but I made myself do it, and it is true, the more you drive, the better you get, the more confident you get.

I still find motorway driving hard and I have to prepare myself for. I find hte sat nav works, along with having looked at and being aware of the journey in my head, and allowing lots of extra time so I can drive very slowly.

OP - could your DH sit with you and you do a couple of short journeys, of the sort you'd do regularly, perhaps to the local soft play place or to the supermarket. Something you can feel you can do easily and then practice a few times.

I'm aware that if you can, you should, esp having seen my mum having to relearn after not driving for the best part of a decade after my dad had a stroke and couldn't drive. It would have been a lot easier for them if she'd not stopped (he needed driving to/from hospital appointments, taxis are expensive when you have a car sat there taxed and insured already)

We live in a village on the edge of a town, the bus service is hourly but stops at tea time. We can and do walk to school, I have shopping delivered, but the DCs wouldn't be able to do the out of school activities that they do without me being able to drive.

You can structure your family life around not being able to drive, but as your DC get friends further afield, want to do Brownies / football matches or get invited to parties a few miles away, the convenience of being able to drive will really come into it's own.

My best friend never learnt to drive until the year before her eldest started school and she realised that the local school was crap, and if she wanted her DC to go to a decent school, she would have to drive them, so she had to learn under enormous pressure.

Please can someone tell me a bit more about CBT / counselling or advanced learner courses to get over fear of / under confidence when driving. Which is more effective or how are they different? I don't even really know what CBT is after having read the wiki page.

I am a hugely under confident driver and I would happily spend some time or money solving this as I do see it as a problem.

I go out of my way not to drive including carting my children hours on public transport to get to friends and play dates. It's starting to bother me.

oh and I don't think it's the be all and end all to drive, but the OP has moved out of London to a place that means she has to turn down invites and not do things because they aren't accessable by public transport/walking. If you are going to take the decision not to drive, you do need ot take the decision to locate yourself somewhere it's not going to be an issue.

My dh has the car as he works full time and at weekend he's out so very rarely he's at home to teach me.

My mum didn't drive, or more accurately like you she wouldn't drive. I can honestly say it scarred me for life. I cannot bear having to ask anyone for a lift now as the years of scrounging lifts and having a one way flow of favours in our direction was awful.

I also believe I would have a better adult relationship with my mum if she drove. Doing anything with her is a total pain in the arse as you have to factor in time to get her and bring her home. She has to get taxis to do her shopping. For example she needed to do a message recently that if she had driven would have take her 30 minutes max. Instead it too me over an hour to get her, bring her to do the message and bring her back. Such a palava.

ianleeder - you could ask him to schedule in some time to do it. A couple of short journeys each weekend might help.

everlong - what kind of hypnotherapy? How many sessions and was it effective?

Just calling a cab is fine if you live in a town with plenty of cabs, but we don't. I admit that we chose to live where we do because we both drive. If we didn't we wouldn't have chosen to live here because public transport is not very frequent and the buses only go to the next town and not between the villages. There isn't even a direct bus service from our village to the hospital.

If the weather is fine I cycle, but it has been far too wet, windy and muddy (and unsafe) to cycle just recently, so if I need to get somewhere 4 or 5 miles away in the pouring rain and gale force wind I drive.