Mums who can't or won't drive-is it a big deal?

[ianleeder]

I'm starting this thread as I get a lot of comments and remarks on why don't i drive. I pass my driving test 10 years ago and I don't drive as I'm not a confident driver, my road direction is terrible, I get anxious and nervous behind the wheel. I have 2 young kids (3 and 5) and I'm scared of accident and anyone getting hurt. My driving lessons were in London so when I passed, driving in London was a nightmare. I use public transport a lot as I work and live in London so didn't need to drive. Now I have kids and live out of London, most mums expect me to drive everywhere. I walk, use the bus and train with my kids now. I don't see not being able to drive a problem, in fact I feel relaxed and less anxious when I don't drive. I get a lot of criticism, yes I know not being able to drive is quite restricted in where I can go, my husband drive so he does the long distance and I walk everywhere locally with the kids. I have taken refresher courses in the past but it doesn't make any difference- I'm not a good driver.

[gourd]

Sorry should have said many people dont drive but to make this choice not to even whe you have a driving licence really depends on where you live/access to other modes of transport and amenities as well as whether or not your have a partner or close family member who can and is willing to drive you and your family places that you cant get to any other way.

[RestingActress]

I can remember feeling very resentful of my Mum for not driving. Obviously as an adult I can see that she was anxious and that someone who does not feel safe should not be on the road, but as a selfish child all I could feel was annoyed that I couldn't go to the clubs that my friends did and that we could only go anywhere in the school holidays if Dad was around to drive us.

Being completely honest I would really resent DH if he did not drive and I had to do all the driving on long journeys or nights out

[MoreBeta]

I am convinced that most people who have a car just don't even think the decision to drive through at all logically.

Have your groceries delivered. Why even go to a supermarket?

Live near work or find a job you can do from home.

Honestly I think we spend £4,000 a year on travel absolute max and DSs get taxi to and from school every day. Owning a car would cost so much more and all the hassle of taking it to garage and sorting it out of it breaks. I don't feel I miss out not having one.

[Eletheomel]

When I had DS1 I really wished I could drive as there were various 'classes' and stuff I wanted to take him too that were at least 2 bus trips there and back (I live in a large village close to a city - all the stuff is on in the city, which is one bus to the centre, then another to outlying areas). So, when he was 5 months I started lessons, but I didn't really get on with my instructor. The lessons went well, then stopped due to heavy snow (and us being homeless due to sewage leak).

I meant to start them again, but never did...

Now I'm on maternity leave with DS2 and am less tempted to go to groups with him, so that's not an issue, but I really wish I could drive so I could visit my folks during the week while I'm off (otherwise I only see them once a month). So, at the moment I'm thinking come March/April I might start lessons again (with a different instructor).

I'm not sure I'd use a car for work though (I'm on a good bus route) so it'd just be occasional use for me, but it would be nice to be able to visit friends and family more easily during the week, rather than it having to be a whole family thing at the weekend as DH is the only one who drives.

[jamtoast12]

£4000 is a lot! I bought my car for £4000 four years ago. It's never been in the garage (apart from a £30 mot per year) and I put no more than £25 per week in petrol to run it which is much much less than 4k. Plus I have hopefully got a few more years left with it!

Having been a non driver til I was late twenties - I was the same as OP, I was so scared i got annoyed with people for questioning me and I dismissed everything anyone else said. But they were right, life is massively easier with a car.

[MoreBeta]

jamtoast - no tyres, insurance, oil, washing or spare parts?

My £4,000 includes a free driver. I always wanted a chauffeur.

[Nandocushion]

4000GBP is a huge amount, much more than we spend on insurance and repairs on our 9-year-old car, and we are able to go wherever we want, whenever we want. I didn't need a car in London, but elsewhere it does make sense, though I do try to walk or cycle for shorter trips whenever I can.

[MaryWestmacott]

But morebeta - often the argument about the price of the car misses the point that if the woman in question is in a household with a car already, then by not driving they aren't saving any money - the car is already bought and taxed, the insurance and petrol is the only variable, and it doesn't cost much to add a second driver, petrol for a small engined car costs a fraction of the cost of bus fares etc.

And we get our food delivered weekly, but getting food delivered requires you to be organised enough to sort it out usually 24 hours in advance. I reguarly still end up popping to the supermarket. (Sometimes walking, but often in the car).

Not driving is perfectly possible, I managed it for years when I wasn't allowed to drive and then wasn't able to afford a car (until I moved in with DH and started driving his) - it was stressful to re-learn but made life so much easier - not driving requires much more organisation. Again, find if you have no choice, but the OP has a choice, she can drive and family money has already been spent buying a car, then spent on taxing and insuring it.

[MoreBeta]

It is true - it does take organisation to not use a car for every little impromptu journey.

Its also true that once a car is bought, taxed and insured people have an economic incentive to spread that fixed cost over as many miles as possible. That is why people drive everywhere even on journeys that would be better done by other modes of transport. It leads to a lot of unnecessary congestion.

That said, I have nothing against people that drive. I just am surprised how dependent people are on cars.

[Bunbaker]

When DD rang me from a friend's house the other side of town, requiring her inhaler and antihistamine due to an allergic reaction to her friend's cat, the quickest way to get to her was to hop in the car and drive.

When she had croup a couple of years ago at new year, the quickest way to get her some medical attention was to get in the car and drive (I was sober BTW)

In the first case an ambulance would have been OTT and a wait for a taxi would have taken too long. In the second case it was new year and who knows how long it would have taken to get an ambulance/taxi.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Its like anything else in life though and the Mnet mantra

Everybody is different, do what suits you/family.

I don't drive and find it amazing how many people have said they couldn't do without their car, its the usual response to telling people you don't drive.
I think people forget that if you have a car already in the household, you can't both be using it at the same time, so in effect most households have 2 cars if they both drive. That is even more taxis

[RestingActress]

There is also the time aspect to being able to drive.

The DCs have activities on at a similar time twice a week at opposite ends of the town. I can drop DD, then drop DS then go back for DD. If I had to rely on public transport then I wouldn't be able to do either, let alone both.

Another activity we are in a 4 way car share, so I only have to do it once a month, I wouldn't feel like I could be on the receiving end and not do my fair share if I couldn't drive, so would end up walking the half hour to Brownies, walking half an hour home, then repeating the same half an hour later every week. Instead I do a ten minute journey once a month. Then there are the times they do it at county HQ or go on trips to the climbing centre / bowling in the next town...

[ianleeder]

Thank you rosette! That has boosted my confident! I'm on the case and hopefully having my first refresher lesson this week!! Cheers everyone !

[Carkus77]

When my wife & i moved to audtralia from england neither of us could drive.
Lawfully but not legally....
I was like most others at 1st worried id cause accident hurt someone or vice versa...i was pushed daily untill i obtained my licence as we fell pregnant child on way now...i did it in spite of all my fear & Nerves i did it for my son & me to.
Its been 10 years iv worked days a week weekends sundays id have to leave work early all time or be late as my wife just wont learn to drive due to same fears i used to have. Iv been repremanded at work for time keeping all due to me working around my wifes no driving...appointments for my son are regular also so i either need to book days in week or leave early again sfter arriving late again....its just tough she wont help me...make things worse she now wont ask me for a lift she will text saying, Do you wanna give me a lift home? Anything is used exept, Can you give me a ride babe will no directly ask me....holidays i have to stop just to sleep & rest to continue on.....i help around my home i clean i work i play with my son take an interest wash up tidy up i share all chores and perental duties....it feels selfish as my feelings had to be put aside to drive a car...
Theres things in life we dont wanna do but sometimes we have to put our feelings aside to grow....