Mums who can't or won't drive-is it a big deal?

[ianleeder]

I'm starting this thread as I get a lot of comments and remarks on why don't i drive. I pass my driving test 10 years ago and I don't drive as I'm not a confident driver, my road direction is terrible, I get anxious and nervous behind the wheel. I have 2 young kids (3 and 5) and I'm scared of accident and anyone getting hurt. My driving lessons were in London so when I passed, driving in London was a nightmare. I use public transport a lot as I work and live in London so didn't need to drive. Now I have kids and live out of London, most mums expect me to drive everywhere. I walk, use the bus and train with my kids now. I don't see not being able to drive a problem, in fact I feel relaxed and less anxious when I don't drive. I get a lot of criticism, yes I know not being able to drive is quite restricted in where I can go, my husband drive so he does the long distance and I walk everywhere locally with the kids. I have taken refresher courses in the past but it doesn't make any difference- I'm not a good driver.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

I used to be a really nervous driver, and I let my husband do all the driving, only driving when I absolutely had to. Moved to a place where I absolutely have to drive to get around, no way round it, and now I am fine, as I drive all the time.

I quite literally used to have the bile rising in my throat every time I got behind the steering wheel; I would have to go through the journey in my head several times, trying to think of ways away from roundabouts, junctions etc.

Now I just get in the car and drive. It really was just a matter of practice.

I know having small children in the car is scary, mine were 1 and 3 when we moved.

Maybe get out driving on your own without the children, and build up from there.

On the down side, I am definitely a lot fatter since not walking as much!!!

[GingerDoodle]

I don't drive. DD is 17 months.

I don't find people judge me but I do make a point of not making a big deal of it. I use public transport and walk a lot.

[jamtoast12]

I don't see it a problem as such not driving but if you ever want to drive on the future, the longer you go without driving, the bigger deal it would become.

For me, driving gives me the security of what if there's an emergency? If the kids rang from somewhere and I needed to get there fast etc? We are 5 mins from hospital and school in a car and I can be at both far quicker than if I had to wait for ambulance or if I had to get taxi etc. the fear of that alone would make me drive tbh.

Now my kids are 6&8 I'd not cope without a car. Even though getting to school is easy, it's all the after school stuff, going to friends for tea, parties etc (which can be males away). Without a car, a 2 hour party after school could take over 3 hours which may mean they couldn't go etc. as they get older, I use my car more and more. Totally different when they're not at school in my experience.

Socially wise, I'd address it if its stopping you doing stuff as things will only get more difficult as children get older. I would hate to have to decline things for my dds - even now im not a confident driver. I only learnt at 25. I am ok driving to familiar places but if there's a party somewhere new I often follow someone else in my car!

Overall though I'd do it for the safety aspect of being able to get somewhere fast if needed.

[BB01]

I really sympathise OP. I passed my test four years ago after six attempts and still don't enjoy going far or to new places. Sometimes I wish I'd never learnt as it would save all the dilemmas on whether to get train or walk or to drive, and the nerves I get when I do drive. However I have driven much more regularly since having a baby and have noticed I feel lots more confident (though still can't park to save my life) and as others have said think I'll be really glad of it when DD is older. It's also good to know we could move somewhere more remote and not be limited by me not driving. Practice really does help and the more you do it the more normal it feels. Even though I often just do the same old routes week in week out I have noticed the the increased frequency of trips in the car has made me feel more comfortable.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I think it depends where you live and what activities you and your children want to do.

Where I live, I would be severely restricted if I couldn't drive, and ds3 wouldn't be able to play hockey for the great team he was given the chance to join - getting him to and from practices and matches would mean relying utterly on another parent to drive him (and his friend) all the time - and given the distances involved, that would be too much to ask. Nor could ds2 have got to and from cricket practice without me being able to drive him.

I have also found that as they have got older, being able to drive has got more vital, as their activities have tended to be later on in the evening, so getting to and from them on public transport would be too time consuming, and would mean them being out much too late on school nights (because not every sports/choir practice or club can be on a Friday or Saturday evening).

It is worth remembering, though, that if you look at the costs of running a car, you can get an awful lot of taxi miles for that annual cost, so in some cases (and places) it may be more sensible to do without a car, and use taxis when public transport won't serve. I couldn't do that where I live, though.

I was a nervous driver - I took 4 goes to pass my test - but I have found that the more I have had to do, the more confident I have got. I will never enjoy driving, but I value the independence it gives me.

[Bunbaker]

"and it's harder to make economies of scale at the supermarket when you have to drag everything back by hand."

Why don't you shop online?

[Destinysdaughter]

In my early twenties my boyfriend tried to teach me to drive but when I nearly crashed the car into a lamppost he gave up! I then lived in London so never needed to. Am now living in a

[Destinysdaughter]

Place where I really need to be able to drive but I'm so scared. Was wondering if driving an automatic would be easier, does ant

[Destinysdaughter]

Anyone have any experience of this??

Bloody phone!!

[SuckItAndSee]

i didn't drive for years in between passing my test and moving out of London. i still get very nervous if I need to drive into a town centre - one way systems and finding entrances to car parks are my particular bêtes noires.

I don't think driving is essential, but if you want to get less anxious then I think getting a satnav really helps. I use my even on relatively familiar routes where I already know how to get within 5mins of my destination. It's just an added security blanket for me.

[matana]

Fwiw I wouldn't want to drive in London either! I actually love driving and couldn't be without my car and yes it's a bit unusual to come across someone who doesn't drive but it's your choice. I'd struggle to drive in a big city like London and understand why you don't want to drive.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Yes and no, Destinysdaughter - there is one less thing to worry about, but to be honest, if you drive a manual car enough, it becomes second nature anyway.

That said, I do find it generally easier to drive our automatic than our manual now - probably because I don't get enough practice in the manual.

[SpookedMackerel]

Bunbaker, I don't live in the UK, and they don't offer online grocery shopping here, sadly.

[drawohamme]

I was the same OP, learnt and lived in London, moved to a village and dreaded the driving.

In the end I sucked it up and although I wouldn't describe driving as a joy, I'm not stressed about it anymore. Think the more you do it, the easier it gets.

[TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy]

I don't see it as a big deal, but most of my friends don't drive either due to cost or medically can't so we're used to it & live where it's easier to live that way. Neither DP or I can drive, medically, he never learned & I learned but hadn't yet taken the test before things happened but I despised it even then so wasn't a big loss for me. Learning how to adapt and get even to odd places is an important part of it, I can see it being far more frustrating if you have to keep cancelling due to it or are very used to having a car around.

My lodger drives, and when his car got wrote off last month, he was in such a scramble because he's had it for eight years and not used to being without. He would repeatedly go on about how he'd love to do X but can't because he doesn't have his car (even random things, like me complaining about a lack of ink), I think he felt really constricted without it and needed help to replan things, particularly for shopping. Though he was happy not to fight match day traffic for parking by the house, the visible relief when he found a car to put a deposit on was amazing. Different people will find it a bigger deal than others.

[TeacupDrama]

I think fine unless adversely affecting your kids, l

like you can't go for play date with robbie ( even though robbie is your best friend) as he lives 3 miles away and not on the bus route it will get harder to get out of playdates as children are older and would not be fair to restrict friendships to those closer; as you live more rurally the school catchment could easily be 4 miles wide
you have already said you avoid some play dates as too far obviously as they get older they can walk farther but it could be a problem later

if however a bus would take you to within 1/2 to a mile of anywhere not a problem to be less anxious and a better driver you have to practice nobody is really any good at anything if they only do it occasionally

[blondiep14]

I drive, but hate it.

Took my test so I could take the kids to the school we want them to go to.
We are quite rural and buses aren't a very good option here.

I have a few set routes I am happy with, but only drive when I have to really.

[handcream]

I have a couple of relatives who dont drive (and save themselves lots of money). Without exception they think it wont be a bother for you to pick them up for family events etc or moan that they dont want to catch a bus in the dark (which is 16.30) at present etc.

I can see how you can manage without a car in a big city. We didnt have a car when I was growing up. Cannot imagine not having a car tbh. Especially with all the tube strikes etc. But if it works for you that's fine. Its just that every time there is a non driver in an event I go to they always hang around hopefully looking for a 'lift'. One even complained when I said I didnt have a car seat anymore and wondered why I had given it away.

[handcream]

Thats a good point about play dates as well. Do you really want to make a 3 mile trip (which can be done in 5 mins in a car) with a young child and perhaps a young baby so that they can attend a play date? Probably you would end up declining. Especially in this weather..

[maillotjaune]

I don't drive, have never learnt. Still plan to (next year when DS3 is in reception at last).

I don't expect lifts from anyone, I do internet shopping, we live close to school and therefore the children's friends.

But we are in London and you can do all this if you have good public transport. It would be a big deal in lots of other places I'm sure but I've no intention of living anywhere other than London.

[maillotjaune]

Oh and if there's a tube strike you use buses / overground. If you drove into town you'd just spend longer sitting in jams...

[handcream]

People who dont drive almost always expect to be offered a lift IMHO. No one is going to come on here and say they dont drive but expect others to offer them lifts.

I couldnt leave a friend who I was meeting for lunch say and two kids in tow walk to the bus stop in the pouring rain.

[handcream]

Did you see the state of the buses during the tube strike..... You couldnt get onto them. My DS said never again would she try and struggle into London on tube strike days.

[beastietoys]

I am a bit of a nervous driver. I used to be a good and confident driver about 20 years ago but now every trip out seems to involve some kind of traumatic experience.
minihand I am having training sessions with the Institute of Advanced Motorists. You pay to join then all the sessions are free and you just keep going till you pass. It is really helping me build confidence (not sure if it's having the same impact on the other drivers on the road by hey ).

[LettertoHermioneGranger]

No children yet, but this is such a problem for me. I don't drive. I have an eye condition that would make it very dangerous to drive. It's hard to explain, and I don't really like talking about it, and even when I do, people tend to dismiss it. Including my own father. I've been brought to tears so many times by people pressuring me to drive. I'm in the U.S., in an area it's pretty much impossible to live without a car.

I dread having children and not having a car, because in my area just popping out for some milk would be impossible. I'm terrified about what I would do in an emergency. Sometimes I think I need to get a license anyway (I can pass the eye test for a license, it isn't comprehensive) but it won't change me driving not being safe. The comments I get make it so much worse