Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Now ATTENTION here all you first-time mothers, listen up...

168 replies

emkana · 25/07/2006 21:02

I have a ds, he is my third child. He is five weeks old. Atm I feed him whenever and he sleeps whenever he wants. Evenings are mostly spent with him on mine or dh's lap while I'm MNetting or watching TV or even sitting outside. Ds comes to bed with me when I go to bed.
I did the same with my two dd's. Over time things started to evolve into some sort of a routine, gradually we moved to a proper "bedtime" etc., and now they are five and three and very, very good at going to bed, and have been for a long, long time.
It really saddens me when I read all these worried posts about how to get a baby of a few weeks to settle in the evening etc., and all it seems to lead to often (not always, granted) is stress and worry and more stress.
I just want to reassure you all that no bad habits will be formed if you just with the flow for now and enjoy your baby and let him/her be with you.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
NotAnOtter · 26/07/2006 23:28

that dh is a toss pot ..thats all ! there are as many toss pot pro- routine fathers as there are anti -routine fathers

Pruni · 27/07/2006 08:14

Message withdrawn

happybebe · 27/07/2006 12:54

pruni that is very sad horrible man

i am sure you all know i am routine led and which routine that is (wont mention the name!)

although it has worked for me without any abusing my child etc when asked for advice on it in the early days i will offer help but also stress that if routines are making your baby and you miserable then JUST DONT DO THEM, whats most important is that you enjoy your new baby and not end up resenting them because they wont stick to routine times etc.

hate the thought of new mothers desperately unhappy and feeling like failures, i know how that feels and it nearly split my family apart...babies just need love most of all...unconditional love.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Caligula · 27/07/2006 12:58

Great thread.

Oh yes don't spend those precious first weeks agonising about routines. Just enjoy the time together, it goes so quickly.

youknowwhat · 27/07/2006 14:00

Agree that following a routine imposed by someone else isn't going to work. Especially in the firt weeks, it's not going to work.
BUT when babies are getting older (2~4 months), I think it's a different matter.
If I hadn't been carefull with DS2 about when he is sleeping during the day, being carefull that he has a nap in the morning and yes sometimes saying 'No I can't come, it's time for a nap', it would have become distreous. WHY? Because, he is a child who is extremely sensitive to tiredness and can not settle if getting slightly overtiried, will not sleep if he has missed his 'slot' and so on....
Also, I wuld have struggle to cope with a small baby and a 2yo if I hadn't have some sort of routine like 'everyone sleeps in the afternoon between 12.30 and 2.00'. It gave me the break that I needed and wouldn't have been able to do without it.
So, NO to Gina Ford atc... but YES to a routine that suits you and your children.

CheesyFeet · 27/07/2006 14:07

Emkana, what a great post .

DD was bf on demand until I went back to work when she was 6 months old. She went to bed when I did when she was tiny. There was no routine as such, until I went back to work.

She was fed to sleep until she was about 9-10 months old. She was then cuddled to sleep for another couple of months. We never made a "rod for our own backs" as at 2.0 she now goes to bed perfectly happily and goes to sleep on her own.

Looking back, I only got really stressed when I went back to work and a routine was imposed on us by my working hours. It was all lovely and relaxed until then.

fruitful · 27/07/2006 14:54

Very of all you who have children who will snuggle up in bed with you! Both of mine think that being in the same place as mummy means it is playtime. Sleeping with them worked until they learnt how to hold their heads up and grab things. After that they'd roll around in bed and play on me - and I'd give up and put them in their cot in a dark room and they'd go to sleep.

That thing about it all being an experiment is so true. The important thing as a new mum is to think - what do we (me and the baby and dh if he is here) want to do? What works for us, now? I didn't have the confidence for that, with my first.

Also I think that the essential bit of baby equipment that every new mum needs is...

a toddler.

Provides entertainment, and a bit of structure to the day, and prevents you stressing out about every little thing that the baby does or doesn't do. Perfect!

Waswondering · 27/07/2006 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
emkana · 22/08/2007 21:08

I feel that it is a good time to bump this thread.

Ds now 14 months, still b/fed to sleep or carried to sleep by dh, but then sleeps through the night, albeit in our bed.

I feel confident that in a year's time there will be more progress to report.

OP posts:
Reesie · 22/08/2007 21:54

What a lovely thread. I wish I had read it before i had my baby. My lo barely slept and i spent much of the early days spent pushing my baby in her pram getting obsessed as she wasn't sleeping to a routine (wtf!). I felt a complete failure as a mother and walked so many bloody miles that my poor pelvic floor gave up and I now have a prolapse. I wonder if i should sue the person who wrote that particular book....?

Luckily - i have come to my senses since then. Oh - also try co-napping - my lo will nap for 2 hours with me rather than the usual 1/2 hour on her own. Perfect excuse to say sod the housework and have a lovely kip!

Spidermama · 22/08/2007 21:55

Great post emkana. Very well said. Wise, wise words.

LadyTophamHatt · 22/08/2007 22:05

ohhh Em, what a lovely lovely thread.

I absolutely, totally agree...4 times over

Ds4 has fallen asleep upstairs twice in the 7 months he's been here and thats only been by accident while I've been sorting out the big Dsses. I always take him up when I go to bed, I like having him down stairs with me i the evening when its just us.
If I had my way I'd keep him a baby forever.

MyTwopenceworth · 22/08/2007 22:12

Women have been having babies for a very very very very long time. Somehow the speices is still here. Some people try to take advantcage of what is, obviously , a very nervewracking time, by trying to convince you, that you cant possibly do it, that you need stap by step instructionsfor £24.99 [

You don't you just need to understand that having a baby is like nothing else in your expecrience but that you are designed to cope wit it. It's not going to be a walk int he park, if thats what you hope you will get from the books, or planning or whatever - ease - then you're stuffed, frankly, cos with or without, it's a challenge.

But it's one you are well prepared for. millions of years of evolutino have equiped you to be a parent.

You know what to do, but sometimes you just don't know you know.....you know???/

oregonianabroad · 22/08/2007 22:14

The 'rod for your own back' thing is utter nonsense.
Great advice for new mums, emkana. Too bad you haven't written a book which will fill new mothers with insecurity and make you a million pounds!
But I suspect you are a happier person, and you have certainly made some mothers feel more confident with this thread!

massivebigpantsface · 22/08/2007 22:15

my very first thread on mn was when dd was six weeks old and yep, you guessed it, i was worried and stressed about getting her into a routine! the response - well, lets just say once i read through the answers i completely relaxed and things have just happened beautifully (if you overlook the very frequent night wakings )
dd is nearly 7m now and has her own little routine, i know exactly when shes going to want food, milk, sleep etc .

wise wise words emkana

WinkyWinkola · 22/08/2007 22:51

Lovely post, emkana. Things do seem to fall into place, don't they?

columbolover · 22/08/2007 23:35

This is a great thread em!

ds is 6 months and I just went with the flow from the beginning, not that it was easy mind you but it was definitley more rewarding trying to follow (find!) your own instincts than constantly checking a book to see, let alone remember what with all that sleep deprivation, what someone you and your baby didn't even know was telling you to do at 11.57am

And all this nonsense about "don't feed on demand" .. er why not?? It just didn't make sense to me

I haven't found a rod in my back yet despite those telling me I'd get one for cuddling and loving ds too much - who is happy as larry and sleeps fine most of the time

Someone needs to tell the floggers of these confidence chasing books that people have been happily raising babies for years before they came along and took away the fun!

oh dear, this sounds like a rant! and I can't even blame sleep deprivation anymore!

CrookshanksinJimmyChoos · 22/08/2007 23:47

Fab thread!!! Can remember me standing over DS asleep in the moses basket with a baby book and saying to my mum but he's supposed to be having an activity after a feed (EASY routine - Eat, Activity, Sleep, Your time etc) and my mum just smiled and said sagely yes dear, but he hasn't read the book....

If I had another one, would be totally free flow from day one - they get into a routine when they are ready imo!

Bewilderbeast · 22/08/2007 23:50

well said emkana

LittleBella · 22/08/2007 23:51

Great thread

The only thing I regret about the early days is that I spent too long thinking about how I ought to be doing things and not enough time just enjoying my baby

New mums, enjoy, enjoy enjoy - don't let all the dictatorial bastards out there spoil it all for you by worrying you about nothing

hotchocscot · 23/08/2007 00:49

cheers, emkana, think this thread should be compulsory NHS prescribed reading for all mums at 8 months pg... was totally shell shocked and an anxious wreck for first 3 months but then ds sorted himself out and things got better, despite rather than because of me! As someone said to me, they are hardy wee things, if they weren't, humans would've gone the way of the dodo long ago! Just wish i'd known about MN back then, and the Wise Wummin here.

slim22 · 23/08/2007 02:33

wise words. Just enjoy.

MrsJohnCusack · 23/08/2007 08:57

definitely wise words

flamingtoaster · 23/08/2007 09:16

Well said emkana. With both of mine I went with the flow and was a lot less stressed than friends who were trying to impose some sort of routine. It is important to enjoy those first few weeks - and I agree you can only do that if you go with the flow, nap when the baby naps etc.

mamadoc · 23/08/2007 10:34

Whilst pregnant I read GF, BW and although even i could see it didn't make sense to impose a rigid routine as someone said it seeps in and I thought I needed to space out feeds, let her learn to sleep on her own, not spoil her. Even when people tried to dissuade me thought they were probably a bunch of lentil weaving hippies.
Fortunately after 3 weeks of hell I gave in let her feed whenever she cried, sleep on me and bought a sling to carry her round all day and whaddyaknow we were both happier.
Now 18 weeks time between feeds stretched itself out to about 3hrs anyway, she falls asleep at 8pm and only wakes once or not at all til 8am and my personal favourite she falls asleep on her own- just turned around one day and there she was asleep on her playmat! So despite 4 months of rocking, bouncing, carrying no bad associations here!
Seems to me no-one puts the other side of the debate- all books are so pro-routine with a really preachy tone. Case studies where useless parents ruin children with their silly ideas until fabulous guru comes to sort it out in 3 easy steps. Of course you are so vulnerable at that time just wanting someone to tell you what to do when actually all you really need is someone to say you ARE doing OK.