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Parenting

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Original poster

Now ATTENTION here all you first-time mothers, listen up...

168 replies

emkana · 25/07/2006 21:02

I have a ds, he is my third child. He is five weeks old. Atm I feed him whenever and he sleeps whenever he wants. Evenings are mostly spent with him on mine or dh's lap while I'm MNetting or watching TV or even sitting outside. Ds comes to bed with me when I go to bed.
I did the same with my two dd's. Over time things started to evolve into some sort of a routine, gradually we moved to a proper "bedtime" etc., and now they are five and three and very, very good at going to bed, and have been for a long, long time.
It really saddens me when I read all these worried posts about how to get a baby of a few weeks to settle in the evening etc., and all it seems to lead to often (not always, granted) is stress and worry and more stress.
I just want to reassure you all that no bad habits will be formed if you just with the flow for now and enjoy your baby and let him/her be with you.

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MrsJohnCusack · 26/07/2006 08:52

I honestly wish someone had said this to me properly before DD was born and I would have enjoyed it so much more instead of stressing about everything and ending up with PND.

for this baby, I am determined to just do what I like and get on with it and enjoy having a baby that wants to sleep on me (as opposed to a toddler who is dead set against cuddles)

lazycow · 26/07/2006 09:14

This sounds lovely - if ony those of us who did that could say it left us less stressed too. I honestly do believe this is the way to go and if I had more children would definitely do the same again.

HOWEVER DS most certainly did not find his own routine and I really did try to let him with slings, tried co-sleeping, letting him sleep on me etc. and by 6 months I was beyond exhausted with him spending most of the day crying through over-stimulation or over-tiredness. What he did need however was for his needs to be put before mine sometimes and for me to be home or somewhere quiet once twice a day to sleep and for me to have more structure to my day - something I hated doing but whch ds thrived on.

The truth is some babies do not just find a routine very easily - and need a bit of help to have some structure to their day. Subsequent babies often have that structure imposed (because of older children/school runs etc). First children do not get this. I too however do not see how you can impose a routine on babies who are very young. However let's be honest - from a very young age many babies have to fit in with school runs, older chuldren's events etc, if that is not imposing a routine I'm not sure what is. I do find this routine/non routine argument a bit irritating. By all means go with the flow with young neworn babies- you will save yourelf a lot of hassle but after a certain age most babies thrive on some sort of routine - whether it is one of their own devising or one that their parents have 'nudged' to suit them.

ssd · 26/07/2006 09:22

excellent post emkana

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Pruni · 26/07/2006 09:23

Message withdrawn

lazycow · 26/07/2006 09:33

Pruni - absolutely - you should go out if you need to . I certainly did go out a lot as I got fed-up staying in but my baby cried through most of the times I went out and I almost never had more than 30mins at a time while out when he wasn't crying for some reason. By 6 months old you need to review the situation. Neither of us were happy. What I wanted was to go out when I wanted, what ds wanted was somewhere peaceful to sleep on a regular basis (not a car or a pushchair - I tried all those for hours at a time sometimes) . In the end I was less depressed when I gave in and modified my life a bit - Not always but sometimes - because ds was happier. I do think though that early months of going with the flow did give me the confidence to be pretty certain what the problem was later on and try and rectify it.

clairemow · 26/07/2006 09:55

I wish I was as relaxed as emkana. However, I find it more stressful when I haven't got some kind of plan for the day - this must be a character trait of mine. Horses for courses. DS went to bed in the evening at 7 after a bath and feed from a few days old (classic bedtime "routine"), and yes, some nights I then spent a lot of time up there with him, b-feeding him, rocking him, burping him etc., but by about 6 weeks we had an evening so DH and I could spend time together on our own. Personally this saved my sanity.

JessaJam · 26/07/2006 09:55

Great thread emkana.
I found the lack of routine in the early weeks quite distressing - not knowing when ds would sleep or for how long and when he would next be hungry - really odd as I am not a organised, structured, forward planning kind of person normally ( at all!!). Was lent Jools Olivers "oooh I have had a baby or 2 " book and noted her passing comment to getting her newborn into a routine...I toyed with the idea...couldn't imagine ds going for anything like 4 hours between anything, stressed a bit and then gave it up as a silly idea and too much hassle. SO glad I did. Ds fell into hs own routine ( was bottle fed formula and ebm, but he dictated when he was fed - when he was hungry..!) of 2hourly feeds and sleeping in our room with us and then co-sleeping. He is a total DREAM at sleeping (is nearly 12mo) and has been since about 2 or 3 months of age. Settles himself, in his own cot in his own room and sleeps 11-12 hours through. Yes his routine 'fits' around ours to some extent but that wasn't imposed, it was gently 'moulded' and we 'moulded' our routines to fit his...

NotAnOtter · 26/07/2006 10:05

It also saddens me when peoples relationships - including those with their children -start fraying due to lack of sleep

Raggydoll · 26/07/2006 10:18

great thread for new moms... havent'y read it all yet so apols if repeating. I just wanted to add if you are STILL convinced a routine is the answer you need to know that babies change so frequently that even if you have a great routine at 3mths it will all be out the window by 5mths and again at 7/8 then 10mths etc... I think if i'd known this with my first I definately would have relaxed on the whole routine thing.

Oh and my second bit of advice for new mums... NEVER wake a sleeping baby ... if they are asleep relax and make the most of it. Even now at 2.5 I have dificulty bringing myself to wake ds when its a late nap.

FioFio · 26/07/2006 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LilacWine · 26/07/2006 10:28

emkana, that is an excellent post and i very much agree. DS is 7 weeks and in a good routine which came to be following his lead. and it was just the same with DD. the only thing in his day that was planned was the school run!

bakedpotato · 26/07/2006 10:37

You have to find the path that makes you happy.
I'd hate a new mother to feel extra-rubbish because she desperately wants some sleep/time to herself. IMO feeling like that is not a character flaw.
Some people crave structure with a baby (I did, and when I got it with DS, I began to have a lovely time); some don't. Bully for both of them!

quootiepie · 26/07/2006 10:38

Im the same.. let him feed and sleep when he wants, but then watching all these baby programmes I got panicy that he had no routine and asked my HV about it... she said not to worry, so I didnt. Then I saw more programmes and go panicy again but then found out about attachment parenting, and letting them feed when they want, and a routine is coming naturally. I dont put him to bed at 7pm, He feeds most the evening anyway, he just comes to bed with me. He doesnt know what time it is!

JessaJam · 26/07/2006 10:41

Fio- Yup, I found ds was soothed by metal bands, particularly those along the lines of slipknot with "uuuuurrrgggh" vocal styles - honest.

LilacWine · 26/07/2006 10:43

i find a bedtime at 7pm for a young baby very strange. DS goes to bed somewhere between 9-11pm and then sleeps till 5-7am. and so do i

clairemow · 26/07/2006 10:49

bakedpotato, you said what I was trying to say.

Why is 7 pm bedtime strange? Whatever makes for a happy parent and a happy baby is surely what matters - and DS was certainly a happy baby and is now a happy 2 year old. And I am a happy mummy. And I wasn't when I felt I had no time at all on my own. We're all different after all, and so are our babies. Next one arriving soon, so we'll have to see what suits him when he gets here.

Sakura · 26/07/2006 10:53

Yes, Im not knocking anyone who feels better with a routine. Im just glad to have come accross a thread like this. I would have been one of the mums who felt she couldnt go out because the baby was supposed to be napping etc, and I just keep thinking how bad that would be for my mental health. I need to go out to coffee shops and walks when the mood takes me, but a lot of the books imply that you cant. Also, the "not let the baby fall asleep while nursing because it wont learn to sleep without it" was stressing me out. Also "dont take the baby to bed with you-itll come to expect this" was another one. Its just nice to be given the go ahead to do what you want, and to hear advice from people who have already been there

cazzybabs · 26/07/2006 10:55

That is just how my children started their lives too!

notsogummyanymore · 26/07/2006 11:08

I'd just like to say I've been battling with my conscience now with ds's(10 months old) bedtime. Me or dh take him up to bed after his bottle and sit and rock him in his room till he falls fast asleep. It's wonderful. Now we have the dilema of lots of people telling us he should be settling himself to sleep by now or else we'll never have a life to ourselves in the evening! He's fast asleep by 8pm max! Every few weeks I think we should be trying controlled crying, then I think bugger that he goes to sleep so easily most nights they can go and take a running jump!

Phew that's better, I'll go now...

clairemow · 26/07/2006 11:14

it sounds lovely notsogummyanymore.

Pruni · 26/07/2006 11:30

Message withdrawn

notsogummyanymore · 26/07/2006 11:37

would do to me too! Not trying to turn this into a sleeping thread but ds was up with us til we went to bed till he was about 4 months ish. It was only when he started falling asleep for longer periods that we eventualy put him to bed earlier. People thought we were a bit daft i think at the time but he has definiely lead and we've followed! He's content.

Original poster

emkana · 26/07/2006 20:53

"She desperately asked me at about 10 days old "How did you get your ds sleeping at 7? because we are trying and ours wont, and dh is furious." Sent a chill down my spine, that."

OMG that is horrible.

OP posts:

BoilingHotFrayedKnot · 26/07/2006 21:13

When I was PG I had several friends and relations who were singing the praises of "that" book and so when DS was born I duly read it and tried to work out how on earth I was going to organise me & DS to stick to it

I tried and tried but it was a complete disaster. I then turned to the other slightly less contentious book and that didn;t work eitehr.

Unfortunately by this time I was indoctrinated by the "rod for you own back" line and felt like a complete failure for quite a long time.

With hindsight now I know of course what a load of old mumbo jumbo, I so wish I hadn;t beaten myslef up in those first few months.

I wish someone had said - I wish lots of peole had said - what Emkana has said to me, when i was PG or a very new Mum.

WriggleJiggle · 26/07/2006 23:25

Thanks Emkana. Great thread. People keep asking me how my 'routines' are and what my 'routines' are.

Routines - WTF are they?! I don't have any . Its good to know I'm not the only person just trying to chill and enjoy the summer.

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