Only Child - Pros and Cons???

[McRobb]

I have a beautiful DD who I love to bits. The big question is what are the pros and cons of her being an only child. Both my DH and I have brothers that we love but don't see that often so just wondered how bad it would be if we didn't have another?

McRobb - you could be me talking! We have one DD who is 4 and both she and my DH would love another. I've sort of agreed to start tryingfor another (soonish) but I'm still not 100% convinced I want another, and this thread has make me start thinking about it all over again!

"but if someone looked in a crystal ball and told me the two girls would not get on as adults, I'd still have had that second child. "
Thats interesting because if someone told me that solely as a result of DS being an only he was doomed to spend his adult life in misery and loneliness I would reconsider.

However as that somewhat flippant sentance point sout it can't ever be down to just the single fact of being an only or having siblings. Its about the type of family/parents you are.

Whoever put the point about sisters, I think its wonderful if you have a close loving relationship with your sister - but not all girls do. My BF at school had a sister 18 months younger than her and they fought horribly, they don't speak now and have no interest in each others lives.

I have to admit money is a big issue for us. You don't realise how expensive children are until you have one and I would like to give DS what I can (which might include paying for education when he is older).
If I won the lottery would I try and get DH operation reversed?
NO, we might adopt a little girl in a few years time but I have no desire to have another baby at all.

I waivered on this one too...did want another, but am now moving more the other way and I think that's because ds is out of nappies and is getting independent and I really don't want to start all over again (never was one for babies...)

Ah yes Blackduck, I was never one for nappies, sleepless nights, tantrums either, so why on earth am I even considering having another?? I think I have this rather rosey view that any second child will be a little angel, and not like DD was for her first few months!

Emmymummy - DH and DD would love a baby in the house, I'm not a baby person either and DD is walking, talking, toilet trained, feeds herself and can communicate well enough for us all to be happy. Not sure I want to start again....

I know. I wish I could give birth to a 2 year old (not literally obviously), but if only I could skip those knackering, milky, pooey, mashed food baby bits!

i was an only child and i would love to have someone who i can share my memories with . dont have father and dont have contact with mother so would be nice to have someone else to love

If you really want another baby then I'd say don't ignore your yearnings and, if you are lucky enough to be able to, go ahead and have one. I wanted my second baby more than I wanted my first. It was just a strong urge that I couldn't ignore. To be honest I never thought about it from my first born's point of view because I'm living my life, not hers. At the same time, if you don't have a definite sense of wanting more children - then don't. Trust your instincts. I think what I'm trying to say is put your emotional needs and considerations first (whichever way you decide to go) and don't get caught up in calculations to do with financial costs, childcare implications, etc, if you can possibly help it.

Also, someone posted something earlier along the lines of "as if having siblings makes any difference to a person's personality" - well, it does, there are well documented character traits (with exceptions, of course) depending on whether or not you are an only child, or your position in a larger family. I don't know what the character traits are!!! But there was a fascinating interview with someone on R4 about this not so long ago. Wish I knew more on the subject myself.

'I know. I wish I could give birth to a 2 year old (not literally obviously), but if only I could skip those knackering, milky, pooey, mashed food baby bits!'

That sums up how I feel about having a third child.

I'm with Riab, if we won the Lotto, we'd love to adopt.

But the idea of being pregnant, giving birth and having a newborn again . . .

No way!

I thought very much like the original poster about this issue, but slowly realised that all the things I saw as being pros ( individual time/attention/no squbbling over toys,mummyetc/more money ) where infact cons, my dauhgter thought the world revolved around her and who could blame her because in my eyes it did - she was my one and only most precious possession of course I felt intensely about her and for a little girl this was a huge burden , I am sure sub-conciously she felt responsible for our familys happiness . an example of what I mean is we used to ask her "what shall we do today" without realising instead of this being a wonderful thing being bale to always choose what she wanted , infact the pressure on her to "get it right" was making her unhappy. Reluctantly I accepted we needed tohave another baby and DD2 came along with a 5 yr gap between them, DD2 has allowed the focus / spotlight /expectations to shift sometimes from DD1 and we are all sooooo much happier as a family. I would love more but had to have a hysterectomy during last delivery. I cannot disagree that the time you have for you children in finite an deach child divides this futher but your love is infinite and I am so thankfuk i realised this in time to give my very precious DD1 a sister. sorry so long and rambling ....

Come on people - it's not as if we've only got a certain amount of love, energy, whatever to give our children and that by having more than one child we dilute what's available. Some people are making it sound like having more than one means that both or all of your children lose out somewhere along the line. I have 2 dses very very close in age and I have surprised myself at the amount of energy, attention, love etc I am able to give them both. And they thrive on each other.

(I might want to amend this post when they both wake up at 4.30 tomorrow morning... )

Riab - "but if someone looked in a crystal ball and told me the two girls would not get on as adults, I'd still have had that second child. "
Thats interesting because if someone told me that solely as a result of DS being an only he was doomed to spend his adult life in misery and loneliness I would reconsider

But I would too. The two aren't comparable. The second premonition(sp?) is telling you your child will grow up lonely and miserable without a sibling. The first premonition is telling you your children won't have a relationship with each other as adults. That doesn't mean they won't be happy as individuals.

""as if having siblings makes any difference to a person's personality" - well, it does, there are well documented character traits (with exceptions, of course) "

I wathced a TV program on that and the 'expert' psychologist got 50% of the people wring!

ie when she said based on their personalities this is where they came in the family - she got them wrong. She also couldn't tell the difference between those raised with brothers or sisters.

She was using the research and statistics not just her own gut feeling - which says something about how reliable any of those 'facts' are!

Mummydoc - what's it like having a 5 yr age gap between children? That's pretty much what we'd end up with, assuming I become pg over the summer months (have just been to Waitrose and chucked some folic acid in the trolley so I'm all nutriented-up, just in case I ever make my mind up).

Emmy it is a really lovely gap, I was sooo worried DD1 would find it hard after being the centre of the universe for 5 years but she is fabulous with her little sis ( who is now a very boisterous and unruly 21 months) and so tolerent of all the changes in her life which have come about by being a sibling instead of an only. I think it helped because she started school just before DD2 was born so felt quite grown up and obviously had her own life at school and it did help she could go to the loo, get a drink etc by herself, and i really enjoyed having the baby to myself during the day. Funnily we have been away without DD2 a couple of times this winter skiing and i thought DD1 would love it having mummy toherself but infact she was reall yupset we didn't take DD2 with us !!! 5 yr gap is brilliant for our family.

Very true piglit. I think this is an assumption made by singleton parents - that children in multiples lose out somehow. They dont they really dont. Love is like a tap turn it on - more comes out. Going from 1 to 2 children parents are sooo surprised that the love is the same all over again. I would say 99% of parents believe they could never love number 2 as much as their first. And then its born.
For all the examples of siblings NOT getting on in adulthood there is an opposite scenario. My advice is 'give it a go' yours just might be the lucky ones and then its worth its weight in gold

Emmymummy i have just read a few of your earlier posts on this htread and you could have been me talking 3 years ago, after dd1 i vowed never again, couldn't imagine what possessed people to go for a second , dd1 very tricky child and i often felt like i was failing her miserably so why do it to another child, as you can see i did and dd2 wasa piece of cake and i realised dd1 was not "awful" but my responses to motherhood where not what i htought they would be...second time around i breezed it and am still laughing at the pooey nappies/ toilet training fiascos/toddler tantrums ...and wondering why on earth i found it all so awful first itme round...good luck whatever you decide, BTW no one could have told me i would feel like this i just wouldn't have believed them.

Aww Mummydoc, thank you for that! I really am very confused about whether having another is the right thing to do, but I think if I don't I will regret it in a few years time - I am nearly 36 so I can't leave it too much longer and I think with DD starting school in September the time is just about right. Just have to shut my mind to thoughts of poo, leaky boobs and no sleep and just get on with it!

McRobb, all I know is that somehow having second baby isn't so shocking as having first and I just simply enjoyed my second-born's babyhood more. It was because I was so excited about what was ahead, not because I particularly love tiny babies. The sleepless nights were somehow easier (even though second-born took much longer to learn to sleep through the night than first-born!!! - not what everyone told me to expect)and I can't begin to describe to you how passionately I loved him from the very start, which is not, sadly, how I truly felt about my first in the first few weeks. The baby stage is short. It goes in a flash. If you do decide to have a second baby I'm sure you'll find yourself mourning the passing of 'his/her babyhood - you'll forget, just as I'm sure you've forgotten much of your DD's babyhood - and you'll find yourself wondering what life was like before he/she came along. But, as I think most of the people on this thread are trying to say, don't have another baby unless YOU really want one. You are not obliged to have a sibling just for your first-born's sake. She will be absolutely fine as a singleton. And in good company these days ... I don't think that 2 or more is better than 1, just in case you think that's what I'm getting at.

I have one ds who is 18 months. I had such a difficult and stressful birth experience that at the time I thought 'no more, thanks.'

I have since chilled out a bit and tried to face my fears about the birth with ds. But I still don't think I want any more children, nor does dh. The birth of ds scared him too much and he doesn't want me to go through it again.

Dh is an only child and he was certainly not spoilt with money or affection. His dad was in the army so the family travelled alot and he didn't build much of a 'father son' relationship.

I think dh feels that this is his turn to build a 'father son' relationship now with ds.

I am one of 3 and I am not very close to my siblings. I am close to my parents.

I am getting very tired lately of this question - 'so when is the next one due?' or 'so are you having anymore?' Like ds isn't good enough somehow or that they are 'bored' of him and want another baby to coo over lol!

Pros for us -

Can spend more time one to one
Have some money to go out with ds, and treat the family
Don't have to get bigger house
Easier to move from place to place
Don't have to go through night feeds again!

Cons for us-

None!

McRobb, all I know is that somehow having second baby isn't so shocking as having first and I just simply enjoyed my second-born's babyhood more. It was because I was so excited about what was ahead, not because I particularly love tiny babies. The sleepless nights were somehow easier (even though second-born took much longer to learn to sleep through the night than first-born!!! - not what everyone told me to expect)and I can't begin to describe to you how passionately I loved him from the very start, which is not, sadly, how I truly felt about my first in the first few weeks. The baby stage is short. It goes in a flash. If you do decide to have a second baby I'm sure you'll find yourself mourning the passing of 'his/her babyhood - you'll forget, just as I'm sure you've forgotten much of your DD's babyhood - and you'll find yourself wondering what life was like before he/she came along. But, as I think most of the people on this thread are trying to say, don't have another baby unless YOU really want one. You are not obliged to have a sibling just for your first-born's sake. She will be absolutely fine as a singleton. And in good company these days ... I don't think that 2 or more is better than 1, just in case you think that's what I'm getting at.

mumfor1standfinaltime - tell them what I do - simply say in a sad tone of voice,
"oh we can't have any more I'm afraid - medical reasons"
That shuts up nosy parkers!

the choice to have children or not, or to have more than one child is totally up to you and your partner, and I find 'whens the next one due' a really insulting question tbh.

mumfor1standfinaltime - tell them what I do - simply say in a sad tone of voice,
"oh we can't have any more I'm afraid - medical reasons"
That shuts up nosy parkers!

the choice to have children or not, or to have more than one child is totally up to you and your partner, and I find 'whens the next one due' a really insulting question tbh.

mumfor1standfinaltime - tell them what I do - simply say in a sad tone of voice,
"oh we can't have any more I'm afraid - medical reasons"
That shuts up nosy parkers!

the choice to have children or not, or to have more than one child is totally up to you and your partner, and I find 'whens the next one due' a really insulting question tbh.

FWIW being an only child affected me actually , im having a large family as i dont want them to be as lonely as i was . they may hate me for it or be glad of having siblings but being an only child has made me want a large family of my own