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Original poster

Only Child - Pros and Cons???

179 replies

McRobb · 01/07/2006 15:41

I have a beautiful DD who I love to bits. The big question is what are the pros and cons of her being an only child. Both my DH and I have brothers that we love but don't see that often so just wondered how bad it would be if we didn't have another?

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bermudatriangle · 02/07/2006 10:49

I'm an only but was rarely 'lonely' as a child, Ilived on a patch with lots of other kids. I make friends easily, and consider myself fairly well adjusted!
I have friends who are very close to siblings, and others who are at loggerheads.

Blackduck · 02/07/2006 10:52

I am oneof three, as is dp. ds is highly likely to remain an only child. I have had the 'lonely' line thrust at me too, and have pointed out that just cos you have siblings doesn't mean a. you will get on with them and b. you won't be lonely. I felt lonely as a child despite being one of three...

bermudatriangle · 02/07/2006 10:53

thats a nice, thoughtful post sparklemagic. (somewhat more constructive than rosiesmumof4!)

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expatinscotland · 02/07/2006 10:53

i'm not an only, but the ones i've known have all been very mature, well-adjusted folks.

people take it for granted that they can have another, and i think british society puts pressure on people to have more than one just b/c of this whole 'loneliness' thing.

b*llocks. loneliness is something we ALL need to learn to deal with - siblings or not.

and this whole idea that children look after you in old age is ridiculous and outdated, too.

i didn't have kids to expect that out of them.

i live 7,000 miles away from my parents.

sparklemagic · 02/07/2006 10:53

CADS has hit the nail on the head of what I was saying about some children being lonely - it's down to the choices of the parent. I simply won't accept for my DS to have long lonely days on his own as CADS describes. It doesn't have to be like that for only children.

And on the matter of care of elderly parents or dealing with the deaths of parents, in my experience this is very often most unevenly done in families. One child will do all the caring while others are working or move abroad or whatever - and it's important to remember that siblings are different people and experience parental relationships very differently; my mum lost her dad recently, she's one of six; but no-one experienced the SAME loss as her because no-one else had the unique relationship she had with her dad....again, funeral arrangements were most unevenly shared! mum didn't find the loss of her dad one bit easier because she had siblings.

I think it's a fallacy in a great many cases. My brother and I had the same parents but have an extremely different relationship with them and when they go I know my Bro will experience it completely differently to me.

Plus, I would rather gnaw my own legs off than rely on my DS to care for me when I am doddery - I fully expect him to have buggered off somewhere glam by then anyway!

expatinscotland · 02/07/2006 10:56

too right, sparkle, too right!

sparklemagic · 02/07/2006 11:02

thanks expat; loved what you said about us all having to deal with loneliness, it's so true. Sometimes I think people take a very simplistic and superficial view and just think, 'a sibling, that child will never be lonely'.

much more helpful to acknowledge that we are all alone actually!

expatinscotland · 02/07/2006 11:07

I didn't learn what loneliness was until I was 30. Wish I'd have learned sooner b/c I got a lot out of it. It's one of the most important lessons you can learn - to enjoy your own company.

CADS · 02/07/2006 11:20

Please don't get me wrong. Not all 'only' children are 'lonely'. It was mainly to the circumstances when I was a child. We lived in a forgein country, moved around alot, lived in the neighbour without many children and the school I went to was far away. My parents still have no understanding of the loneliness I experienced and only saw the situation as a necessity.

I think maybe in way I have chosen to fill my life with children. The last 3 weeks have made occasionally question my decision and made me feel a little guilty that neither child is getting 100% of my attention. But then when ds and dd have each other in fits of giggles it makes it all worth it again. I can only hope that they grow up firm friends and my role, over the years, will also be one of peacemaker.

Only children can grow up learning to share, have consideration for others, etc. My parents have a friend who has two children and which I can honestly say are both less considerate and more self centered than me.

wanderingstar · 02/07/2006 11:47

I certainly wouldn't endorse rosiemumof4's sentiments literally at all - that remark was just unpleasant and ridiculously overgeneralised on all levels. However, and doubtless I'll get flamed for this, I have noticed over the years a syndrome (won't even call it a pattern or correlation) whereby some mothers of singletons do get more precious, overfocussed, call it what you will, over their children, seeming to assume also that if you have more than one, you have a fixed quota of love and care that is split 2, 3, 4 or more ways. One even said to me, as our sons were off on a school trip, "It's OK for you if anything happens to them; you've got others". As if my ds1 were in some way expendable...

But apart from my own anecdotal experiences (I know anecdotal does not = scientific) over 10 years of having 4 children either at school or nursery, I wouldn't generalise at all. Ds1 (12)has been best friends with a lovely singleton for the past 5 years. His mum is lovely too !

sparklemagic · 02/07/2006 11:58

wanderingstar, it just amazes me how thoughtless some people are! Saying that it doesn't matter if anything happens to your DS - my god!

I think all these comments, as well as the 'only children are lonely and spoilt' just come from people who as I said earlier, look at life in a simplistic and superficial way, which says much about their brain-power really!

I wouldn't 'flame' you - I agree that it is possible to become 'precious' about an only child though; as I said just now I really think there has to be an element of keeping your focus not JUST on the child but on your own life as well, which is lets face it healthy for all mums really, whether they have one or four!

sandradee · 02/07/2006 12:23

I'm an only child

pros:

lots of attention
Were better off financially than if there were more of me.
Was sent off to boarding school so had lots of friends from an early age who I still have now (I'm 36)

Cons: too much attention

parents always wondered what I was doing and where I was
never had anyone else to compare against so they thought I was extremely naughty and not like other children (maybe I was but I don't think so)
Could not really move aborad because would hate to think of them on their own - especially now that DS is here and is the apple of their eye. It would break their hearts
now they are in their 70's even though I have my own family I often lie awake at night dreading the day that they pass on because they have been so good to me and such wonderful loving parents. I sometimes wich I did have a sibling because then I might not feel as vulnerable and scared of this day arriving. I know I'm going to go to pieces.

As for DS being an only child - I'd like him to have a sibling so that he does not feel alone, although there are definitely pros and cons of the whole thing. Just because you have brothers and sisters - you may not even like or get on with them.

tallulah · 02/07/2006 12:37

My MIL's neighbour said the same thing to her when their kids were younger, that if anything happened to one of MIL's 3 dss she'd be Ok because she had the other 2, but because the neighbour only had one it would be worse for her.. (what is it with some people?!)

We decided not to stop at just one because I felt she would be too precious in-as-much-as my own ambitions for her. So that I would always be on her back to do well. I felt that would be too much pressure for a child to live up to. I have met lots of mums of onlys and all of them have been well-balanced and their kids have turned out just fine, so this is obviously a mental problem I have and probably because my father was always results-focussed with me and my brother.

I also don't get on too well with children in general and the thought of having to take DDs friends on holiday and have them round all the time filled me with horror

I hated being the elder of two because my brother was the one who got all the attention, so I'd been determined not to have two for that reason (it always felt like the golden boy plus the one who could never do anything right ) So we ended up having four, and that was the right choice for us.

You can only make your own decision based on your own feelings and backgrounds. There is nothing wrong with having one, two or seven if that is what you decide to do, and it is nobody else's business!

sparklemagic · 02/07/2006 12:37

sandradee, if it helps I do have a sibling, only one year older than me; it makes no difference, not one iota, to how I feel about the day my parents go - which is just the same as you feel!

sparklemagic · 02/07/2006 12:40

fascinating thread, isn't it!

So far the cons seem to centre round the kind of parenting the child receives - whether it's too smothering for instance as Tallulah felt hers would be with one, or whether the life choices of the parents isolate the child, as in CADS case...

SherlockLGJ · 02/07/2006 12:47

CADS · 02/07/2006 12:51

sandradee has described exactly how I feel about my parents passing on.

Chandra · 02/07/2006 14:11

I'm one of three and there have been times when, as other people mentioned, being siblings did not mean we get on well. However, I know that at the end of the day, whether we are in the friend or foe mode, if I need help (real help) they are the people I can trust to help me out whathever the problem. They can tell me I'm right or tell me off when I'm wrong, but if something was making me miserable they would be there for me, it's a link that any disagreement between us can not break. However, I apreciate that this advantage it is the product of the way we have been brought up.

Now, I have a singleton who is one for varied circumstances. Probably I have more time to spend with him than I would if I had more, and he certainly has more time to play/chat/misbehave with me than if he shared his time with other siblings, so yep he may be getting more attention and I get more of his which of course results in some little miracles from time to time, however, that doesn't mean I'm a pushy parent it just mean we are spending lots of time together.

mamaof6croydon · 02/07/2006 14:11

u lot who only have 1 kid are selfish

Chandra · 02/07/2006 14:12

No, I'm just infertile, thanks!

mamaof6croydon · 02/07/2006 14:14

my friend was infertile had ifv on nhs got triplets now

demi-may courtney-jay jayden-lee

Chandra · 02/07/2006 14:17

Oh dear! can you please also explain me how a person as heartless and ignorant as you is allowed to be a mother?

mamaof6croydon · 02/07/2006 14:18

sorry didnt mean 2 offend

CADS · 02/07/2006 14:20

Chandra - Don't let her bait you? She is looking for something to kick off on MN! You just have to look at her other posts to realise it.

footprint · 02/07/2006 14:21

SandraDee put it excellently, I can't put it any better than that!

As a child, it's no problem being an only, if you have plenty of friends etc except that you do get 100% of your parents' attention (NOT always a good thing!

However, it is as an adult that the cons come. My mum is all alone now that my dad has died and I feel totally responsible for her. I do live abroad, but not too far, could never bugger off to South Africa or Australia etc while she is alive. And I do feel very alone sometimes - also, dd only has one cousin which is a shanme

mamaof6 - are you seroius?????????!!!!!!!

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