Only Child - Pros and Cons???

[McRobb]

I have a beautiful DD who I love to bits. The big question is what are the pros and cons of her being an only child. Both my DH and I have brothers that we love but don't see that often so just wondered how bad it would be if we didn't have another?

I am the eldest of 4, dh is an only child. We have one dd. We had always said that we would like two kids, but (mainly) due to financial restraints its looking increasingly like we will be sticking with one.

In all honesty I don't really mind at all. Friends of mine have had babies recently and I have cooed and cuddles with the best of them but I don't feel in the slightest bit broody.

Dd is a happy well adjusted child (as much as you can tell when she's just turned two!), she has an active social life and interacts very well with kids of all ages and adults too, although she can be a little shy at times. She gets this from me though, so I don't believe that it has anything to do with being an only child.

The only argument for having another that strikes a chord with me is what happens when my dh and I die and dd is left with no support. Dh has me though and my extended family have taken him in so he will never be left "alone".

At the end of the day the number of children you have is a very personal thing that isn't always your choice. It's very sad that people see fit to comment on it. I know people who have one child, would like another but can't, and conversly I also know someone who only wanted one child and ended up with twins!

Everyone knows what is best for themselves and their family and I really don't see the need for trollish comments, whether here on MN or in real life either.

Funnily enough DH and I were talking about this at the weekend. There are so many variables to consider - temperament of the child; temperament of the parents; presence of extended family or quasi-extended family such as close friends; parenting style - I just don't think you can make any generalisations about how being a single child will affect a child. However, I think it does make a difference to the parents. We've seen our friends with one child quickly regain and then retain their pre-child lives. It's as before, but with a child. More than one and the entire texture of your life seems to change - you kind of have to surrender to the chaos of classic family life and the 'them' and 'us' of parents and children. Neither is better or worse, just different.

...here's my tuppence worth...

I am one of 2 but both my mum and dad were only children so I'm only reporting what they say about it.

They very consciously decided not to have an only child.

For them, on a practical front, the pressures of being only children became most apparent in late middle age when their own parents became frail.

Emotionally, in spite of having a large, close and supportive family, they also decided also it was very sad not having a sibling to share the specific memories of their childhoods with.

ttfn, F

There are 5 years between me and my brother and we are not in slightest bit close and never have been. I have found growing up that most kids say they would alike a sister but those who have a sister say they wish they had a brother etc etc. ie the grass is greener on the other side. Just because you have several children does not instantly put you in the happy family bracket. They might fight like cat and dog or they might get on really really well - who can tell? We personally have 1 ds and that is all we wanted full stop. We made this decision together although alot of outside (my dad included) pressure thought that ds needed a sibling. It happens to be mine, dh and ds lives here not my dads not my lovely 'your cruel for having one' neighbours. I don't really care what others think to this decision it is our lives let us be happy with what we choose.

Personel choice - me and dh couldn't give a flying fig what other people think. We wanted a child, we've got one and she's fab! Big stinkies to those earlier on who sound 'just delightful'.

Not sure of disadvantages for child. My mum is an only but has a network of close and supportive friends. My dad has a brother who he hardly ever sees. (I don't know if I would be able to identify my cousins in the street).

From a parenting point of view, a big reason for me wanting a number 2 is so that I can say in a few years time "I am busy, go and build sand castles with your brother". Now if mine are anything like me and my brother, I may get 20 minutes to read my book before world war 3 breaks out, as opposed to having to go and build sand castles myself. This is my selfish reason for wanting more than one

This is a very interesting thread, as DH and I are debating whether or not to have another. I feel I want one as I was a lonely only child. Also, my father died a few years ago in tragic circumstances. Mother fell apart and I was her support. DH was wonderful, but really wished I had a sibling to share the burden and the perspective of growing up with my parents as parents. But totally relate to sparklemagic's posts about parenting an only child. DH wants to stick with one (he's eldest of 4), but will have more if I want. It's up to me.... such a difficult decision. At the moment, reading this thread, I'm leaning towards sticking with one.

People do seem to find it easy to chuck out judgements about only childrn and their parents! You'll have to deal with that McRobb! But then if you have your children before you are 21, after you are 39, or more than 3, you will also listen to a lot of opinionated opinions, no doubt!

For the last few decades, it has been 'the norm' to have more than one child, if possible. That is slowly changing now, and I think lots of people are consciously choosing to have one child...do you think it is possible that attitudes will change as the expected 'norm' is adjusted?

I have one child because that is what we decided to do. Sometimes I wish we had had another one, but I'm always just so happy to have DS that having another one remains something that other parents have chosen to do.

Actually, if you have more than 2 people assume, rudely, that it was an accident, don't they!?

I'm sometimes jealous of people who only have one and are happy with having just one. I believe that on some level, life would be so much simpler and it would be, like Issymum pointed out, like being me and DH with a child. Having a second child seemingly balances the scales out ; 2 parents on one side, two parents on the other side. But young children are so needy that it's not really balanced. 2 young children in the house feels like more than double the 1! But, I know it won't always be like this.

But, having a second child was always something I envisaged and I didn't make that decision primarily for DD1's sake, I made it for my sake. It's not like we even thought about a pros and cons list. 2 children were how we envisaged family life. One child wouldn't have done that for us. Just as I realise that 3 or 4 children are what some others envisage as a family.

It took me 12 months to conceive dd2 and with 2 miscarriages inbetween dd1 and dd2, we did go through a few months of wondering whether dd1 was going to be an only child. And if that had happened, we'd have embraced that and looked at all the obvious positives that brings.

However, as I have said, when we thought about having dd2, it was an unconscious decision.

We love having a second child. We don't see any negatives. But I suspect your dilemma is similar to the one I now have over whether to have a 3rd. ;) That is something over which I do the pros and cons and come out with no correct answer.

One thing I worried about when I thought dd1 might be our only child is jealousy between DH and I. Only because anecdotally I had witnessed friends who were only children have a peculiarly close relationship with their father and no happy relationship with thie rmother. It was like the mother and daughter competed for their father's attention. Since my DH is a very hands-on dad with our dd1, I was scared that I would be the one left out

However, being aware of that fear, I'd have made sure we each fostered an interest/hobby to share with dd1 separately.

Could I write any less concisely?

Good luck with whatever you decide. Don't have a second baby just because you feel you ought to. There are no cons to any family size if the children are loved and taken care of.

2 parents on one side, two parents on the other side

should read 2 parents on one side, two children on the other side

Check out this thread about the joys of having only one child!

I think you have touched on the perennial debate. My dd is now 11 months old and the question of whether to have another is rearing it's difficult head as I am also 36. It is just as impossible a question to answer as 'Do I have a child?'

I don't really have a clue as I am struggling with answering it myself

Interestingly there is lots written on how it affects children as they grow up and specifically the effects on society. China has quite a lot of social issues as a result of it's one child drive. The individuals are much less likely to compromise as adults and work in teams.

Oliver James - says that only children tend to be more high achieving than first borns (in a series of children ) because they never cease to be the conduit for all parental ambitions

Poor things. That's a good argument for having more than one!

i do not have strong veiws and prior to having more than one child nearly stuck at 1 iykwim.........
I am surprised after reading the posts roshni that you still err towards one child.
Sibling relationships can be enduring and lifelong...many are not. A single mum friend recently gave birth and her sister was her birth partner ...that sort of thing..
My daughter WORSHIPS her older brother-they are 12 and 14! I also feel i am freer with their plans for the future their thinking their choices than i would be if i only had one...baby crying will come back!

But all of you who say "I am xxxxx because I have more than one"

How do you know?

I'm feeling a bit sad about this at the moment. We have one gorgeous DD who is very sociable and outgoing. We spend lots of time together as a family and with our extended family. But I'm starting to feel upset when I see siblings playing together in the park. They have a ready-made gang, and that seems so impenetrable for my little DD. I was an only child until 12 and am now so happy to have 4 half-siblings.
Much as I love being able to give DD so much of our time and attention, and much as I don't want to be impoverished, it does now hurt that we might not have another one, even though we're lucky enough to be physically able.
I guess we'll just have to work harder to create social networks for DD.

Isn't the impoverished thing a bit of a red herring? If I'd wanted to be wealthier I'd have had no children at all.

And I really hope my older brother doesn't look at me and wish I hadn't been born so he wouldn't have to share an inheritance or so my parents could have given him more money towards buying a house. (more being some in this case )

Of course, if you have one child, you can direct all your money their way, but it's not helpful to imply everyone will become impoverished if they have more than one child.

beatie it's not just about inheritances etc.. imo and ime it's the paying for childcare for more than one, clothes, food, general everyday expenses that would cause us problems if we have more than one, not how much money dd and any other future children would have once dh & I had died.

It is true, not everyone would be impoverished if they had more than one child, but there are many that would.

Haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to say that when I see my two (3.5 and 2) playing together my heart just melts. They play and interact together in a unique way: different to how we as their parents play with and talk to them and also different to how they interact with their friends and schoolmates. They do fight now and then but they have a very close bond (I sometimes overhear them telling the other that they love them, or if one is sad or hurt they other runs over to give a kiss and cuddle). Also, to be quite honest, they play with each other when I need to get on with cooking, cleaning etc when otherwise my ds would be left to his own devices.

this could lead on to a whole can of worms but on having ds1 i gave up work to look after him - so no childcare costs

'this could lead on to a whole can of worms but on having ds1 i gave up work to look after him - so no childcare costs '

You are very fortunate you were able to do this, otter.

This is not the case for many of us. And it's not a function of cutting back, doing w/o. We have to work to survive and that means juggling childcare.

My husband has severe learning disabilities which means he will never be a high-earner.

So we both HAVE to work to pay rent and buy food, even w/tax credits.

This factored heavily into the decisions we made about family size - stopped at 2.

Also that I need to get a career going to provide my kids with as many opportunities as I can - it's likely that DD1 also has a disability, we're still going thru the process at present.

Cheesy, I hear what you're saying!

You do what you feel is best for you and don't let anyone get you down!

lke expat (and others) I think it's all to do with you want for your family - if you feel your family is complete with one, then so be it.

dh is an only child and the one area he really feels it is with respect to his ageing parents - although they can manage now, he does certainly feel a growing weight of responsibility for helping them make decisions about their future. His mum has always been the one to do everything and I think he does fear her dying first and leaving his dad (who is a lovely man but one of the old generation who can barely look after himself!) on his own. He has told me he misses a sibling to share this responsibility - also, as others have said, there's no dilution of attention so we are the only family who visit them so there's a high expectation on us.

Other than that, I would say (as someone else said on this thread) that dh has lots of strong friends who he made and kept through his life whereas I had 2 sisters, both fairly close in age, who I mainly played with so I made less effort to make friends with other people. Now both my sisters are abroad and although I have friends, I am definitely not a great friend because I just don't put in the effort whereas dh makes and keeps friends a lot better!

My neighbour has 4 children and although life is often a bit chaotic, there is always so much laughter and chatter and fun coming from their house and garden.

expat - no i was not fortunate.
i lived in a one bed flat in toxteth - dp was only working a 3 day week its all he could get - its about choices