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Original poster

Only Child - Pros and Cons???

179 replies

McRobb · 01/07/2006 15:41

I have a beautiful DD who I love to bits. The big question is what are the pros and cons of her being an only child. Both my DH and I have brothers that we love but don't see that often so just wondered how bad it would be if we didn't have another?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

milge · 02/07/2006 21:39

RTKM - don't let a horrid old troll get you down. I am an only child, as I was adopted, and it was great - 100% of the attention. The downside now is that I have no one to share the "care" burden for my lovely, but decrepit, parents. There is no perfect family matrix, everyone always thinks that the grass is greener - just be grateful for whatever you are blessed with.

hulababy · 02/07/2006 21:43

Got to rosiemumof4's post and not reading any more. What a lovely women - don't think I'd want ANY child going round to play there, regardless of them being only children or having siblings.

A debate so close to heart for so many reasons. DD is an only child. She is always likely to be. Decision is made. She will not suffer as a result.

edam · 02/07/2006 21:53

Ds is currently an only child and may well stay that way. It worries me, a bit, because my mother is an only child and I know it was very hard for her when her parents died, particularly as she was only in her very early 20s. But some of these posts have shown that having siblings is no guarantee that they'd share the load with you anyway.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

threebob · 02/07/2006 22:41

You get more from your parents if you are an only = you have to give more to them back at the end of their life.

It actually seems quite a fair and equal exchange, whether you have siblings or not. So I am eliminating from being a valid reason for me.

SherlockLGJ · 02/07/2006 22:45

Kanga

Ignore the Troll..............

We have our boys, they are uber wonderful, take a breath and walk on..............I did, I posted the dreaded 4 LMAO.

Northerner · 02/07/2006 22:57

threebob - I just love your answer to rosiemumof 4 earlier in the thread - class!

I am an only child and currently only have 1 ds who is 4 who may well be an only also.

I am sociable, have great friends and am not spoilt. I sometimes worry that it might be boring for ds going places with just me and dh but then I think back to when I was a kid and I was never bored. I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and they adore my ds.

Do agree about the attention thing though. As an only teh spotlight is constantly on you and you can't get away with anything. So remember to turn a blind eye occassionally.

bettythebuilder · 02/07/2006 23:48

that's a good point, northener. Dd is an only child, and although I want her to know what (good!) behaviour is expected, I do think I need to turn a blind eye sometimes, and just let her get on with being a three year old!

Greyhound · 03/07/2006 00:18

I have an only child - he is my 'miracle' after four miscarriages. I would have liked more children, but it wasn't to be.

My son is gorgeous, generous, funny, sociable. There are so many stereotypes of the only child, but I make sure he fits none of them.

I have had some nasty comments, usually from ignorant women who should know better.

I see the trolls are out tonight - do you think they really have four / five / 15,000 kids, or are they just old biddies in dank cottages who knit dolls clothes for fun?

Pixiefish · 03/07/2006 07:40

sorry Kanga- got the wrong poster there but same feelings nontheless- who inhteir right minds would say that let alone on a public forum. Some people are just plain horrid and insensitive- IGNORE

Greyhound- I think they could well be lonely, twisted people who have naff all to do on a Sunday afternoon than upset people (or they could be hairy truckers on a day off)

shoppingsecret · 03/07/2006 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youknowwhat · 03/07/2006 08:48

I am a single child myself and I would have been happy to have some brothers and/or sisters.
I think that it is easier when you have some siblings to learn to relate with others. It's nice not to be on your own all the time and have someone to play with or to support each other when you are older.
In my experience, you also react as a parent in a different way when you have two or more children. As a child, what you do is not always under scrutiny. So you don't feel the need of always beeing the 'good guy'.
As a single child, you are likely to be at the center of your parents life ... well forever - OK if you get on with them, not so good if you don't . My parents, now that they are retired, are planning to come leave in England to be nearer to me and their grands children - They are French (!!!).
So yes I would favour a situation with two or more children.
BUT the cons are that it is impossible to give the same amount of time to each child when you have two or more children compare to one. For me that's probably the biggest downside because there isn't a lot of 'quality time' alone with one of them.
The two sibblings might not get on with each other and spend theit time fihting....
Financially, it is putting a lot of strain on the family finances. I would hate to tell one of my DS that they can't go to Uni or do a certain type of studies because it is too expensive for example.

Surprised to see the direction that this thread has taken. Some people are so judgemental. .
So, McRobb, I think you need to find what is working the best for YOUR family. It is SO difficult to see what the future will be because there are so many things that we can't predict... Don't get any judgemental person changing your mind - wheteher they are pro or against having just one child !

drpepper · 03/07/2006 09:11

i have the best of both worlds ! i am my mums only child but have an older brother and sister from my dads first marriage ! i got all the attention of being an only child but also the support ( our dad is in hospice at the moment with brain tumour and liver and lung cancer) i need right now ! i had a very different relationship with my father than my sister did which is actually helping right now as i am an emotional wreck but my sister is quite calm and making most of the arrangements as i cant right now !
my dd is in a similar situation she is my only child but my dd ( not her father ) has 2 ds's so i am hoping she too will benefit from the attention she gets from me as an only child and the benefits from spending time with her step brothers !
if my dp didnt have children i think i would be tempted to have another but as things are between us we feel we have enough ( i would still have another but he doesnt want any more but thats a whole different thread ! )
i dont think people should be judged on how many children they have ! everyone has different circumstances and reasons for their choices and making nasty comments about people without knowing their full story is just ignorant and rude !

Marina · 03/07/2006 09:30

Funny you should say that wanderingstar because some of the wisest and most grounded mums I chat to on here and in real life stopped at one so I'd be cautious about making sweeping generalisations like that.
We thought ds might be an only child for about three years (including living through a stillbirth) so we rehearsed all the pros and cons for us as a family very thoroughly I guess McRobb.
Lots of good general points have been made on here for both choices...only you know which are likely to carry more weight because of your family circs.
What is it that prevents you seeing your own brothers more often, for example - geography or circumstances? If they have/were to have children, do you think dd will benefit from cousins? (A BIG factor for us in trudging through secondary infertility investigations etc was being pretty sure neither of our sisters were likely to have children).
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
Make sure your own feelings take due priority - whatever you don't be tempted to try for another just because you think it is right for dd. There are several singletons in ds' class and they are all just ordinary, lovely children regardless of who else lives in their house.

noddyholder · 03/07/2006 09:58

I didn't see RMO4 post originally and am shocked at her horrible attitude My so is an only child and is the most loving happy boy He knows I would have like more and that I couldn't because of health reasons and he is happy with all his friends (quite a few of whom are onlies too!)and family and he has always been able to join in and share with others This thread is full of generalisations and insults

youknowwhat · 03/07/2006 10:35

Instead of leaving comments about how some people can be judgemental and how so and so is a lovely child, what about give to McRobb our reasons to have just one child or several.
Surely, that would be much more helpfull !!

YeahBut · 03/07/2006 10:46

I have 3 children so can't really comment on the pros and cons of stopping at 1! I can comment on the pros and cons of having more than one, though. The biggest pro has to be the relationship that grows between the siblings. Seeing that bond develop is wonderful. Of course there is no guarantee that they will be the best of friends as adults, but they will always be siblings. There will always be two other people in the world who really understand where each of my children came from and how they grew up to be who they are.
Cons, well, there is no getting away from the fact that resources (financial and emotional) are split three ways rather than concentrated on one child.
TBH, I think that the OP should go with her gut feeling. I've had 3 children because I wanted 3 children. If you want to stop at 1 or go on to have a footy team, do it!

footprint · 03/07/2006 10:50

McRobb, I#ve been thinking about this some more. I think that it doesn't matter a toss how many children you have, if you only have one or not. What matters is that you are obviously a caring mother who will do the best for your child/children (or you wouldn't have asked this in the first place!)

Trust yourself, and your dd will grow up happy with a happy mummy.

alex8 · 03/07/2006 11:15

people on here are talking a lot about choices and obviously some people may choose to stop at one. But there are many who would like more but can't. Or wanted 2 and then had twins and suddenly had 3 children. If only it was as easy as just choosing.

Dior · 03/07/2006 11:36

Message withdrawn

tubismybub · 03/07/2006 11:40

I agree Alex8, not all of us have the choice. From the moment DS was born some friends have gone on and on about when the next one will be on it's way and one insensitive friend is always telling me it's unfair to stop at one. I would love another baby but after a horrible pregnancy, a terrible birth and PND I just don't feel that i can do it again even though I desperately want to .
I don't normally say anything to people when they make these comments but i think i will pull them up on their insensitivity in future.

Blu · 03/07/2006 11:42

Some really interesting points on this thread.

McRobb - it really is 'feel good about what you feel is right for you', because whatever the potential pros and cons, none are guranteed, and pros and cons are not 'tights and wrongs'.

Precious over-indulgent aprents can crop up in football team families, or in respect of the only dd or ds in the family. For every child who learn how to be a fantastic social person in the lickety split big family, there will be one who spends their life living down the feeling of being the odd one out, or recovering low-self-esteem from whatever position they were! For every selfish insular only child there will be several who are social and sharing and very compassionate (like all the ones I know).

And whatever you choose to do, someone will have a view on it!

Shame about the troll/s - especially as they are obviously a regular using a new log-on isp / identity.

squishy · 03/07/2006 12:13

Wow, what an interesting thread! I'm pregnant with my first (and I have only ever wanted 1!) but am already sick of people commenting about the next "few" ?!?!

I am an only child, and cannot believe I would have wanted siblings. I learned to share, learned to use my imagination, grew up to be confident and secure. My Mum died when I was 12 after 5 years of suffering with cancer, so I did not get to spend as much time with other people my age but still learned a lot about life.

Incidentally, my Mum had 2 sisters who lived very close by and who could have made a difference about the 'family' life as some people have mentioned but they did not; instead they chose to ostracise me and make my life very uncomfortable, until I took the power away from them.

My Dad has been both parents to me and I dread the day he dies, but I know I wouldn't feel any better if I had a number of siblings to share it with. May get slated by some, but perhaps I might not enjoy sharing the grief with people!!

My DH wants more than one; he is Irish and has 3 siblings, which IMHO have caused nothing but strife within the family - he constantly gets berated for not being as good/clever etc etc as his siblings even though he is the only one to strike out and make himself a life away from home (perhaps why he gets punished!).

I really think you have to go with what you want; here and now (obviously with some planning for the future) and what your instincts tell you is right for you

FioFio · 03/07/2006 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kickassangel · 03/07/2006 12:31

i think there's pros & cons to both, but what matters most is how much care 7 love kid(s) get from parents, not how many people are in the house. dh was an only for a long time, his parents pretty much ignored him, i have a sister & alsways felt under the spotlight. there are some 'patterns' associted with both small & large families, but i suspect it's how loved & confident you feel as a child that matters most.

mommie · 03/07/2006 12:50

pros: loads; all the attention, money, effort goes on you
cons: later in life, you don't have the whole big family support system, but to be quite honest, life is so busy now that we never see my dp's family and he has loads of brothers and sisters

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