Only Child - Pros and Cons???

[McRobb]

I have a beautiful DD who I love to bits. The big question is what are the pros and cons of her being an only child. Both my DH and I have brothers that we love but don't see that often so just wondered how bad it would be if we didn't have another?

What I mean by 'imoverished' being a red herring is when people cite being able to afford private school, long haul holidays, expensive sporting activites etc... as a pro for having one child. It makes it sound as though anyone who has a second child and then cannot afford those things has done their first child a disservice.

I understand how adding another child to the household, for some people, can be the straw that breaks the camels back in terms of affording any holiday/outing/adequate sized housing/clothing (for different sex siblings)

I have an only child (ds aged 5). Before I had him I always thought if I had children I would want more than one, but for various reasons this hasn't happened. I have been aware since he was quite young of some of the disadvantages being an "only" might bring (e.g. lacking other children's company, finding it harder to share etc.), so have deliberately made an effort to take him to various groups where he can meet other children, right from a very young age. Also, now he is at school, I make a big effort to invite his friends round frequently. I have also tried to be reasonably firm with him with regard to not always letting him have what he wants, as I feel it is in some ways easier to "give in" to a single child, where there is no conflict of onterest with siblings.

I feel that so far, he hasn't really suffered, in that he has plenty of friends and is quite good at sharing, taking turns, etc. Also, he seems quite happy to be an only child, and has never wanted a sibling.

However, I do wonder whether he will miss out as an adult. I have 2 sisters and dh has a sister and a brother. I know I really value being able to chat to my sisters about various things, and we generally get on quite well. Dh is less close to his siblings, although they get on OK. So I would say we are very happy with having just the one now, but cannot say about the future, when ds is grown up.

I'm an only, and we intend DS to be an only (money issues, my age etc). I didn't suffer being an only, cetainly wasn't spoiled - unless you count getting TWO oranges in my Xmas stocking . It made me more independent and I don't remember being lonely cos I had lots of friends.
DH has 3 brothers, 1 stepsister, 1 stepbrother so DS will have lots of cousins etc

NotAnOtter,I'm leaning towards one at the moment, even after reading the warming posts about the closeness of siblings, out of fear of ruining a good situation.

My DH has three siblings, and they are not close. In fact, they cause him lots of pain in various ways, coming from an emotionally broken family, and they never reciprocate the love and loyalty he shows them. You don't know what to expect between siblings when you bring another child into the world. They may get on, but despite your best efforts, they might hate each othe and turn your happy home into a battle ground. My DS is so wonderful, and such a happy little boy, perhaps I should quit while we're ahead and keep it that way??? I have to admit I'm not sold... I'm nervous also because, not having had siblings myself, I'm not sure I'll know how best to handle sibling rivalry and squabbles, and the noise! DS and I have a lovely relationship ? I don't want to spend less time with him! But I know if I have another, I'll think very differently ? it was hard to imagine loving DS more than I do the cat before he came along!

I swing between thinking very practically that we could afford to give the best of our earning capacity to one, and thinking it's rediculous to think about children in monetary terms.

Quote "My neighbour has 4 children and although life is often a bit chaotic, there is always so much laughter and chatter and fun coming from their house and garden."

I have one daughter, and there is always plenty of fun and laughter from our house and garden.

sorry, didn't read through the whole thread but I have an elder sister and younger brother. We don't keep in touch at all. Never felt any connection to my brother at all as a child or an adult. Sister and I played together as kids (1 year gap) but there isn't any special bond there or anything. I would have been happy enough as an only child I think.

My cousin's son (8 years younger than his older brother, who is about to leave home) told me he's glad his brother is going ? doesn't like him, always picked on him, and feels if he was an only child he would have been happier.

We have one and we've taken permenant steps to ensure that is it. We only wanted one even before i was pregnant.

I think the advatnages are;
more money,
more time,
easier to get up and go - just the 3 of us or just 2 of you
No conflicts over toys/needs in early days - ie if I had another one they would be 1 month old when ds was 2 and a bit - very different needs.
More flexibility
no double mat leave impact on career
only one kid getting sick etc
only 18 years!

Cons;
for us I can't think of any

I have a brother and we get on fine, but I don't feel a 'special connection' depsite playing together every day from him being little to me leaving home when he was 12.

the loneliness argument is one people often use, ds is one of 4 and he was horrible lonely
Roshni - a similar situation, he only speaks to one sibling now and there have been awful fights from childhood and going on as adults.

siblings can fight horribly - and NO they don't always love each other underneath it!

ds mixes beautifully with other children, really enjoys their company and I make sure he goes to playgroups etc 3 or 4 times a week. He also plays with the little boy next door who is 2 years older and gets visited 3 times a year by a baby cousin (1 yr younger) so he has that experience of living with 'brothers'

My DS is a one and only and although I would love another child i don't think it will happen. he is not lonely as we seem to be the neighbourhood fun house and regularly have a house or garden full of children. He is also lucky to have four lovely cousins who he absolutely adores and is very close to. I have a sister but there are 6 years between us and I never felt particularly close to her growing up although we are closer now. We didn't have any cousins and lived in a very quiet area with very few children. At times I felt very lonely. I don't think my DS would see his life this way at all. We spend time together, talk a lot, he gets lots of individual attention and we have fun together. We have a very nice lifestyle. We regularly eat out as a family, go to the cinema or on day trips and generally have more disposable income than my Dsis or SIL. My DS has been abroad and travelled a lot and i don't think we would have been able to do this to the same extent as if we'd had more. While I perhaps would not have chosen to have just one , I am very happy with the way my life has turned out.

I think it is no better or worse to have or to be an only child than to have or be one of two or three or four or five or more children. It's just different in some ways. Both better and worse. And it's what you make of it, just like everything else.

Only children don't have sibling relationships, so as a result they have stronger friendships in their place. Better? Worse? Or just different?

Only children don't have sibling relationships so does this make them poor at social relationships? Well they miss out on some positive sibling relationships and also on some extremely negative ones. And they have to try harder with friends than they would with brothers and sisters, so they are more likely to have better friendship skills than worse friendship skills.

I am FED UP of judgements on only children and their parents. Why do we have to turn it into a point scoring exercise parent vs parent ?

I have just re-read my post & I am clearly in a ranting mood.

sorry for the rant which probably wasn't even warranted (am pissed off about something else entirely!!!)

Riab I'm in exactly the same position as you have daughter aged 3 decided before I was pregnant thyat we'd only have one and have taken permanent steps to ensure that happens.

With regards the pros mentioned - not having siblings to share grief of parents death with, parents illnesses etc. as has already been mentioned siblings move away and although maybe only a phone call away (unless in prison!) quite often brothers and sisters just don't talk. i have one brother and growing up I always wished I was an only child as he demanded so much attention - special needs and always in trouble. My husband is one of four and he also always wished he was an only child as he missed out on a private education that his brother got because he was the eldest and missed out on new things because the younest got those. My Mum is one of 8 and my Dad one of 3 and although they'll occasionally speak to their siblings they would never share their worries or grief with each other they're just not that close. So what I'm saying is being able to share grief is no reason to have more that one as there's no guarantees they will. As for being lonely, yes they may but you acknowledge that and work to counteract it - i.e. ensuring they mix regularly with other children and spending time with them, I've heard that only children often mature quicker than others due to spending a lot of time in adult company but again that can be overcome - you just have to make sure you act like a child yourself sometimes! And as someone else said - let them be anughty sometimes! Also children with brothers and sisters can sometimes feel lonely - siblings often don't get on and may be total opposites or there may be a large age gap. As for being spoilt, any child whether they have siblings or not can be spoilt - that's down to the parents. As my dodctor said to me it's amazing anyone ever conceives it's such a miracle and we've been blessed with an absolute angel who touch wood is very healthy - why wish for any more!

PROS
More time to spend on your relationship with partner.
Need less space in the house.
Child gets more attention and doesn't have to fight for attention.
Don't have to worry about treating children equally.
Easier to get a babysitter.
Easier to go on trips/outings as you only have one to keep an eye on.
Can give child greater financial help.
Less argumeents - siblings will always argue no matter how well they get on.

this doesn't strictly answer the original question but perhaps it's a case of what you know?
I have a sister and we're very close (and I would have loved a brother as well). I am biased but I think there is no bond like that between sisters (if you get on well!)

I have a ds and a baby on the way. If I have a dd, I would almost feel compelled to have another bub , to give her the opportunity of maybe having a sister or of ds having a brother, iyswim!? I personally think all girls should have a sister and I feel sorry for girls without sisters! I realise all relationships are different and I may be sorely disappointed if they argued all the time, but that's my naive view!

I wonder about this a lot. Ds, who dp and I adore, has just turned two. I'm one of three; dp (and his mum) is an only.

My brother lives in Australia, and my younger sister has Down syndrome. So, like another poster said, although I have siblings, when my parents need support/care in old age, it will fall to me - and I'll have my sister to look out for too. So the siblings-to-share-responsibility idea can be a myth.

Also, because I've been like a second mum to my sister since she came along when I was five, sometimes - maybe selfishly - I feel I'd like a break from caring some time in my life, and maybe the best way to achieve that is through having just ds.

But, having grown up hearing only child stigma said about other kids - and even about dp in adulthood - I've had doubts about not having another child. I had a nosey online and found this article, which I find pretty reassuring - and keep looking at every now and then! It hasn't completely convinced me - I think I just have an "urge" to have another - but in my mind, I wonder if having just one child is best for our circumstances.

Oh, and dp says he wasn't lonely as a kid. His mum's never been precious with him, and went out of her way to make sure he had plenty of other kids to play with. We, on the other hand, were a Forces family and, despite being one of three, with all the moving around, I did feel lonely sometimes.

Ultimately, it seems to be so little about how many kids you have, and so much about the kind of parents you are.

mummyinred find your argument very one sided...
i know a bloke who was an only child. He and his wife used to tell me how unhappy he had been and how they wanted a sibling for their son so that this did not happen.
Years later she decided that if they only had one they could afford to send him private but two they could not. They stuck at one . I dont get that

FoxInSocks, just want to second what you said about your dh (an only) and his friendships. My dp is also an only, and has some of the strongest and longest friendships of anyone I know. He'll be best man again in a fortnight, for a guy he became friends with aged four. He really nurtures his friendships, makes fantastic relationships at work and is superb at networking - he's a very sociable soul who is genuinely interested in people. This may well be just him; I do realise that. But I do think it goes some way to illustrate that onlies don't typically become lonelies with socialising problems. In fact, thinking about it, my best friend is also an only, and she has more friends than I can keep track of. Have to confess I'm not as devoted to mine as she and dp are to theirs ...

Are you still reading McRobb?

I was effectively an only child (I say 'effectively' because I do have 2 siblings but they are much older and had left home by the time I was 6). My parents were not child centered so I didn't get lavished with attention, and frequently felt bored and understimulated. However, I do recognise that this need not necessarily have been the cause if my parents had adopted a different parenting style.

I currently have 2 children , aged 2 and almost 4. They fight frequently but utterly adore each other (ds misses dd when she is at Pre School and asks after her). They are exceptionally close and you should see the smoochy kisses and hugs at bed time. Might be completely wrong but the connection between them is such that I suspect they will always be affectionate and quite close, even as they grow older.

So from personal experience only, I can say that there is much to recommend more than one child if you are fortunate enough to be in the position to have more than one.

when you die all your money and estate will go to one child and not be split.

i know of not one - thats not one grown up set of siblings that all talk to each other - and really like each other.

i was an only child. my mum had friends in to play all the time. i never felt lonley.

she had time for me, oodles of time. she sat with me frequently for craft activities, took me to after school things. was able to stay at home and live off her widows pension to be with me.

it does seem materialistic and crass to say money is a major factor - but it is. becuase time is money too.

i cannot take my kids to after school activities - i work - home at 6pm - thats too late for most things like brownies ( when they were smaller) or cubs.

after school play with friends - nope - i worked
craft type activities - errrr occasionally - am fucked after work.

wheres the time?
the time not only for them - but for you. you are a person too. surely you have some ambition yet to be fulfilled? you will never be able to afford it - your kids will take all the money.

the making friends thing is a complete misnoma. i have always had friends - and good friends - life friends.

Have you all read those articles written about women who have chosen not to have children and thought "oh, for goodness sake, it's not like that at all and you would feel differently if you had one."

I think this only versus siblings thing is the same. Those with more can't know what it would have been like if they had stopped at 1, and those with 1 can only imagine what it might be like with more for them personally.

You're dead right, threebob. It is impossible to know what it's going to be like. When I found I was pg with no 2, I honestly didn't think I wanted another baby - I thought I'd never love it as much as I did no 1, I worried that no 1 wouldn't get as much attention etc but actually, babies do bring their own love and now I think having 2 children is a perfect balance. But then I guess people with 3 and 4 will say the same! There are always loads of rational arguments as to why you shouldn't have a baby, or another baby (eg how will we afford it? We won't be able to decide to go away for the weekend at the last minute! Our house will be trashed! etc etc) but it's a decision that I think we make with our hearts, not our heads. If you know that your family is complete with one child, then great. If not, have another baby!
And Custardo, I get on very well with my brother: we talk every week and regularly spend weekends and holidays together!

"Those with more can't know what it would have been like if they had stopped at 1, and those with 1 can only imagine what it might be like with more for them personally."

I'm not sure that's true. I knew for 3 years what it felt like to have just one child and I know what it felt like to start to get some time back. It did get easy around the time dd1 reached 2. Then we had another one.

But I always wanted another one so it was certainly a decision made with my heart. For me personally, a family consisting of two parents and one child didn't seem like my idea of a family.

I think you can look at the pros and cons two ways. Pros and cons for the parents and pros and cons for the children. When we oted to try for a 2nd child, we were only thinking of oursleves. Of course we like to think we have done a good thing for dd1 (just like parents of intentional onlies like to think they have done a good thing for their child), but if someone looked in a crystal ball and told me the two girls would not get on as adults, I'd still have had that second child.

Parents cannot predict the personalities of their children, they cannot know what the sibling relationships will be like throughout the children's childhood and throughout their adulthood. There are far too many variables.

DH is one of 4 and loved being part of a large family. He is very close to his two brothers. I expect his eldest sister hated it and hates it. She's the one left out. But, if his parents's 4th child had been a girl, perhaps that would be different. There's no way of jnowing, They had 4 children because they wanted 4 children.

If you want one, have one, but it's futile to try and predict the benefits and losses to the child that this decision might bring. You can only know what it will mean to you and your partner and that's surely the more important part.

eggybread, I loved your post and that article is very interesting indeed - it shows that the only thing only children miss is having a sibling (sounds obvious, but I mean that all the other skills and happinesses in life are theirs PLUS some benefits that children from bigger families miss out on - so it is simply the sibling relationship they miss; I had a sibling, a very close one - so I know the bond there can be. But my brother travelled for many years so I felt like an only child for a while, after being one of two - and both were fine. There's no way round it - my DS is going to miss out on this in life - however I think for him the benefits of his life will far outweigh this. And we all miss out on things in life, no-one has everything - those with siblings get the sibling relationship but miss out on other things as detailed in the article...

and I totally agree - it seems 99% to do with how you are parented, not with being one of one, two, three or ten!

Thank you so much for all of the advice. I think I just have to keep reviewing the situation and see how it progresses. My DD goes to nursery, we have lots of friends with children and she has two lovely cousins, so all in all I know she is happy. I don't think we are precious with her and I have no intentions of puttig pressure on her to be anyting other than herself. I'm responsible for my own ambitions not hers. I love the honesty on this thread too, keep it coming!