Why can't I go out and leave my 3 year old asleep on his own in the house?

[FrannyandZooey]

Don't worry, I am not about to do this. But I have been musing about risk and safety recently and I am wondering if this really is as terribly unsafe as we all think it is. He doesn't wake up and will be asleep for 90 mins or more. Even if he did, he is a sensible child and is not going to fall down the stairs or drink bleach or anything. He would be worried that I was not there (which is my main reason for not doing it).

I know the argument is "what if there was a fire?"

But there isn't a fire, is there? How many fires start at random when there is no-one in the house but a toddler, fast asleep? I can see there is a small risk here - but it seems tiny to me. How does it compare with taking children out in the car? Crossing the road? Air travel? Being savaged by a dog?

As I say, please don't think I am about to go out and leave him - I'm not. But can someone explain to me why this would be absolutely unacceptable for me to do so, because I'm not getting it.

What if something happened to you when you were out? You fainted and banged your head? You got knocked down by a car? You were attacked?

What if someone broke into your house?

Agree it's a tiny risk. I live about 5 doors down from a shop and have occassionally popped out to get something leaving dd asleep.
Ditto the postbox.
Never gone for longer than 3 mins-- can't see a problem iwth it.

Because if you did and there was a fire, or some other random feak thing you SHOULD have been there to protect him?

because he might be sensible when you;'re around but lads on their own never are!

What if ds does wake up, finds you gone and tries to come and find you?

There is no guarantee on sleep.

Well yes, I can see that it would be a problem if someone broke in, or I fainted, etc etc

but what are the odds of it happening?

It seems like saying "Don't go out, ever, because your house might get burgled while you're out." or "Don't go out, ever, because a car might hit you."

Well yes, it could, but it's really not very likely, is it, and I guess we choose to accept the risks inherent in those situations, so why not this one?

At the end of the day no matter what we all say, you have to ask yourself - if anything happened to him could I live with myself? I know I couldn't! No matter how small the risk it is one I can avoid and my children are just too precious to take avoidable risks.

Also there is a high chance someone could knock at your door see the three year old alone, work out there's no one else there, call the police and you'll have social workers involved then.

If he were to wake up, wouldn't you feel you needed to be with him, for all the reasons you wouldn't leave him alone if he were awake?

If he wakes up and you're not there, can you guarantee that he wouldn't want to try and find you? He might be sensible when he has the security of Mummy being there, but when he wakes and Mummy has gone he might not be capable of being sensible. And to him the sensible thing might be to leave the house and look for you.

You're right that the risk of fires, explosions, burglary, blah blah blah is a small one but the risk is still there. Plus there is the added risk of something happening to you - again, possibly not a huge risk but a risk nonetheless. And the risk is to your child, not you - we can all calculate the risk we are prepared to take ourselves and act accordingly, but maybe we need to act differently when we calculating the risk to a child.

My ds (aged 5) usually sleeps like a log, but one night a few months ago, he went to bed and to sleep as normal, but was suddenly sick later on in the evening. He had been entirely well during the day, so this happened without any warning. If no-one had been in the house to attend to him he would have been really upset and confused. I think this sort of situation is much more likely than a fire, someone breaking in etc,so that would be my main reason for not leaving him.

But if you are alone in your house with your child, you could electrocute yourself, or faint, or hit your head, or cut yourself, and no-one would know, because you'd be behind closed doors...

I really think there should be two adults around at all times.

I think the chances of a child waking are quite high - and then, as you say, he would be distressed. I don't think you can predict the action of a distressed child - he might well try to get out of the house to look for you, or climb up to a cupboard for a glass or snack, or simply become hysterical with panic.

Perhaps it is instinctive that we don't leave our cubs defenceless?

I do understand what you are saying F&Z. It does seem to be a pretty low risk situation and yet is an absolute no-no! Ds is 20 months, can't get out of his cot, never wakes up once he is asleep for the evening and yet I have to wait for dh to come home so I can nip to the shop!

But we don't avoid all risks, do we? Most of us take our children in cars etc. Why is that an acceptable risk?

(btw ds is awake now so don't be worried I have gone and left him if I disappear for a bit )

Also please don't think I am planning to do this, or considering doing this (last couple of replies seem to suggest I am). I am just interested in discussing: WHY is this not an acceptable thing to do?

Not that I would ever leave them alone of course. Just, like F&Z, I can't logically see why.

oh sorry, a load of cross posts - the recent ones haven't implied I am thinking of leaving him at all!

Must go and look after him now but will look back later as this really interests me

yes I imagine that the acts of a distressed child are completely different to their normal behaviour - they may open the window to look for you or open the front door and go into the road. It's like when children lose their parents - if you ever see a lost child often they start off crying and then they run/walk in a random direction (possibly where they think mum/dad will be).

On the fire issue, a while back, I left the house to pick dd up from school. When I came back (around 20 mins later), the houses at the end of the street (terraced houses, cul-de-sac) were on fire and the fire brigade were desperately trying to evacuate all the houses.

It's often not your house/child that's the problem but the acts of others that cause harm.

I know that people living on large country estates will go out and walk their dogs, leaving their children sleeping in the house. They may be gone for 20 mins or more.

That's the same thing isn't it as popping to the shops?

Not that I would feel comfortable doing it.

Well an avoidable risk is one you simply don't have to take. You put them in the car because you have to go somewhere I would imagine, if you didn't have to go you wouldn't put them in iyswim!! Plus as everyone has said a young child is not responsible enough to look after himself that's your job. And children and sleep are the most unpredictable combination I can think of!

my mum went to the corner shop leaving me asleep at this age

I woke up and searched all through the house for her

when she came back i was hysterical

I thought she had run away for ever

I still remember the fear

(now doesn't your ds worry about mummy going missing if i recall correctly)

on another note the house actually had a creek running under it and was across the road from the thames so more jeopardy

I would leave but for 10 mins at most - and no further than next door. I wouldn't go to the shops or any distance where I couldn't get back to the house within a minute.
I just think that I am the adult here and I am completely responsible for him/her and their safety. It's not about what might happen and what the chances are but the fact that it is my job to be there.

I think a huge factor for me would be imagining dd's litle face if she did wake up and suddenly realize i wasn't there, i think it would be very traumatic for a child to know it's parent(s) were there when they went to bed but weren't there when they got up. I think it may scare them off going to sleep!
Also, yeah you could leave the house and get hit byt a car etc but if you had a choice between crossing at an extremly busy road or crossing at a pedestirian corssing, you'd choose the crossing and therefore limiting the risk of anything bad happening. I Think leaving a sleeping child is like crossing at an extremly busy road- a risk too big to take.

I do know what you mean though F&Z. The postbox is about 6 houses down from mine on the opposite side and sometimes when I need to post a letter I do wonder if it would be all that bad nipping out runnning to the postbox and running back BUT I have never done it because of all the reasons below and it would be sod's law if I took this risk something would happen.

and of course mother's claim they were only gone aminute but child time and big people's time are not the same