Would you leave you 4 month old at home, to go on a holiday of a lifetime

[sesame]

I have a dilemma. I have the opportunity to go on an all expenses paid holiday that we woudl seriosuly never ever be able to afford in our lives. The only problem is, its a work thing and the excursions etc that are compulsary are not child friendly, taking the baby is out of the question. My mom will gladly look after the baby, but am i crazy for even thinking about going????

heres me trying to justify it. we haven't been away for a couple of years and in the last 18 months have been through 2 miscarriages and 2 family deaths, which have all taken their toll on us. We really need this break but just can't afford a holiday.

what would you do????

My DP had to go away for work when DS was 5 weeks... he was in a right state. When he got there (it was a conference) one of the delegates had brought her husband and 1-year-old with her, as she couldn't leave him. The couple told DP they were amazed he had been able to leave DS at such a young age. Actually though this made DP feel better because he felt he wasn't being a softie for being so upset...

Needless to say however I couldn't have left DS at that age whatever the reason. But I think it is different for the partner - usually the man - who has gone back to work and got used to spending all day apart from the baby anyway.

Blueshoes, this is what i wrote:
"It must depend on the child I guess, i'm sure some children are anxious and more clingy than others". feel free to take your umbrage though.
I did also say though that your personality influences your child which is obvious, and friends of mine growing up who had panicky uptight parents were themselves a bit panicky and uptight.

Now a break wfor just DS and I without DH...bed to myself, I can read as long as i like, no smelly socks, no snoring, Frannyandzoey, you are on to something!

"Just think back to this time last week...seems like yesterday doesn't it!"

Not to a small baby, who lacks the perspective on time that an adult has.

I can't believe people think the baby won't notice or care. My MIL has come over pretty much once a week since DD was born - and still she (DD) cries if she can't see me as well. Lots of people could make sure that the child is fed, cleaned and not coming to harm... but they won't have the all-encompassing aura of comfort of a parent, particularly the mother, if she's the primary carer and exclusively breastfeeding.

Four months was when DD started becoming more aware of her surroundings too.

From a practical perspective, you could easily go away. From an emotional one, I think it would be very difficult for everyone.

Haven't read all of the posts but I'd say definitely go, if you're sure that your baby will settle ok with your mum.

Yes babies do notice when their mother is gone but they also notice when their parents are stressed and unhappy and if a week's break means their mum comes back refreshed they will feel the difference and a week apart will not do them as much harm as constantly feeling stress around them - IMO. However, I'd say if you've got time - try and introduce the break slowly, ie leaving the baby overnight with your mum (if you haven't already) so he/she is used to spending a good few hours without you.

My aunt told me that when she lived in Africa (late 60/early 70s) a German woman of her acquaintance (not a mate)asked her to look after her 2/3 mth old baby for a few weeks as she had to go back home for some unspecified reason.

Anyway,she went and didn't come back for about 10 weeks!
Furthermore,she had left no address or phone number!

Hopw fecking weird is that????

Katetom, personality can also pass down the genes - so my mother is panicky, my sister is panicky. I take after my cooler dad - but I still had a high voltage baby. And I can honestly say that I am the least anxious mum (NEVER worried about SIDs or sterilisation or MMR, what not). There could be an association between personalities of children and their parents but I am still not convinced about the cause-and-effect you are suggesting. I could not change my dd's personality anymore than I can change mine. Somethings are more nature than nuture and I strongly believe personality is one of those.

i went to canada for 4 days last year for work, it was no jog in the park, days spent in a sweaty workshop but felt i needed to go to show willing for career. my ds was 1.5 at the time and dh looked after him. i did think about it for ages and felt bad but i think it was the right thing to do for me at the time. i then went for a weekend's conference a few months later in amsterdam and left DS with my folks. will do the same when i got to the same conference later htis year. my boss wants me to travel all over the place, singapore, the US, poland etc, but have told him i'll mull it over.

it needs careful thought, but if this will enhance your career in any way go for it, after all you need the money from career for good life for baby (that's how i justified it to myself anyway.0

in the grand scheme of things i don't think a week out of a baby's life will make a difference to bubs though you'll prob miss her like crazy

good luck with your decision

g

Of course certain personality characteristics are passed down genetically.......Sesame, i hope all this si helping your decision making! hee hee.

I think it is easier for the person doing the going away than those left doing the looking after.

Once you are away then you are where you are so are essentially free. You chose the absence. You can't come back. You know that baby will be safe if you have left baby with a trusted relative. Who won't neglect that responsibility or be unable to cope with an emergency through their own illness or weakness.

It's the person who is caring for the baby who will be worrying before and during your break, determined to come up to that expectation with you in a different continent desperate to do as well as you would yourself by the baby and not let baby or you parents sense their anxiety or lack of confidence show as it is harder looking after someone else's baby than your own.

My dd would never have a bottle so would have been distressed had I left her while breastfeeding which I did til 19m. We've been leaving her overnight since she was 23m though and its been fantastic! Leaving her with granny to go on honeymoon for 4 nights in July, definitely worth waitng to do it when you are pretty sure baby will be ok and can relax.
Have a mate who has left her DS for a few weekends since 4 months though, but he is used to seeing granny every day.

In resposne to Blu's question - didn't do it with a 4 month old, but did do it with a 6 month old breast fed baby (for nine days), who went back on to the breast without any problems.

He was already used to having a mix of EBM and boob - had started him with bottles of EBM at 2 weeks to "suplement" him (on the advice of the hosptial breast feeding counsellor) and had just continued expressing as I went back to work full time when he was 4 months old, so he had plenty of bottles during the day.

Haven't read all responses, but no, no way could I leave a 4mo for so long. DS is 10mo and so far I've only managed a few nights out. May be old fashioned but I think holidays should really be family holidays when you have kids. OK, maybe couples need the odd night away for sanity's sake, but not a week.

But then again, maybe I'm a clingy mum. Am struggling at the mo to make a decision about Wimbledon tickets - DH has got us tickets for men's finals but I don't want to go - yes, I know, I'm very sad. And no, you can't go with my DH

I'd go like a shot. I'm not a 'maternal' type of parent and I know that my littleun would be fine with his grandparents for a week. They're having him for a week this summer actually while my childcarer is on holiday. They live 250 miles away so they can't just come over for the days. I'm looking forward to the break.

Persoanlly I take the view that if you would miss out on promotion/money/job prospects. Or if you would feel resentful, or just plain old need the break then it doesn't do babies or children any harm to be left with grandparents or similar while you are away for a while. For heavens sake 100 years ago it woudl have happenned alot, even 50 years. Travel was so much more difficult and extended families took on a much more active role in childcare that little one stopping at granny's or uncle and aunties for a few days or a couple of weeks was nothign out of the ordinary.

Oh and just to pick up on a point made by a previuos poster. I would be slightly worried if my baby had always cried if I left him with his Granny for a while and went out of the room! There is such a thing as being TOO clingy (as a mum).

Surely its better for our children to feel they have a variety of adults who are 'family' and who they can trust. Yes children and babaies will miss their primary carer - the extent will depend on temperament and who they are left with. But I'd hate to be in a situation where i COULDN'T leave ds, not even with my own mother or his dad (DH).
DS has me, his dad, his childcarer, his uncle (lives 15 miles away and visits weekly), grandparents 1 (live 250 miles away but see him monthly and babysit overnight reguarly since he was 3 months old) and grandparents 2 (live 500 miles away, babysit if visiting but not for more than 2/3 hours as they've only seen him 4 times a year)

it is a perfectly normal stage of development for a baby to cry when his mother (or primary carer) leaves the room. It's not "clinginess" but separation anxiety.

I "had" to come back to work when ds was 3.5 months and then go off to the Far East on a two week business trip shortly after. To be honest I almost resigned the day before the flight and felt like I was being ripped in two. Now very angry with myself that I let myself be pressured into doing this. I travel a fair bit and it's hard, every time, to leave him.

What I'm trying to say is only go if you really want to - and if you do make sure you enjoy it. In my opinion your baby won't suffer and granny will have a great time being in charge (as my m-i-l was last week when dh and I were BOTH away on separate trips...now that really was a nightmare!). However, if you're going to feel guilty and miserable the entire time is it worth it?

"There is such a thing as being TOO clingy (as a mum)." What utter rubbish.

Riab, you wrote; "I would be slightly worried if my baby had always cried if I left him with his Granny for a while and went out of the room! There is such a thing as being TOO clingy (as a mum)."

So if baby cries when mummy leaves the room, it is because mummy (not baby) is too clingy?? How does that work.

Perhaps some babies never experience separation anxiety, but I can't say I have ever met one like that. It iS a normal developmental phase - my dd had it from 5 months, others more commonly later. And it is nothing to worry about.

At this age we left our DD for a weekend with my sister to go to a non-children wedding - we had a wonderful time, and so did she.

A couple of months later we left her for a week with grandparents to go away just me and DH - fantastic.

Had such a great time me and DH try go away for a week each year just the 2 of us, leaving 2 DDs with grandparents. They love being with their grandparents - especially since we live in a different country, so they don't see them very often - and it's hugely beneficial to our marriage to have some time as a couple.

My question would be whether you want to do a holiday with compulsory excursions, or whether you wanted to go off just the 2 of you and do whatever you felt like - even if it wasn't this amazing-all-expenses-paid-shindig.

It's obviously a personal thing, but from my experience I couldn't recommend a holiday as a couple highly enough.

Have fun though, whatever you choose!

Hi Sesame. I would say wait until the baby is born and see how you are yourself. When DS was 4 months new I couldn't have packed up my suitcase to go away - I had very bad PND. So if you dont have to make a definate decision, just wait out a while.

If when the time comes you feel OK I'd go! Where there is a will there's a way! My mum looked after DS for a long weekend when he was about 4-5 months, and I didn't realise how much I needed it. Then just after he was a year old DH and I went off to Kenya for our two week holiday of a lifetime! I brought video of DS so I could watch him when I felt mumsy- it helped. Try and balance your needs against your baby's. Mum's need to be able to do their own thing too...now and then! Hope this helps.

Maybe not willing though Sue?
Met a woman in the park yesterday with her 15 mth old grand daughter who suddenly started a long and very angry diatribe about how selfish her daughter was,leaving the baby with her while she worked all hours.
She said how difficult and exhausting she found it and how her daughter was also regularly going away with her dh and leaving the baby with her for up tp a week at a time.
She kept on saying (with tears in her eyes)
'It's not right.Babies need their mothers,she doesn't even know her propelry.By the time she gets home she's in bed.'

I did ask her gently why she was in effect colluding and she said
'I know,I know,I'm working up to telling her.'

I hate all this trite crap about happy mum=happy baby.
We are all so concerned with our own needs that often the baby's come a very poor second.
Little babies need their mothers.It may not be cool or politically acceptable to say it,but it's true.