Would you have wanted to be told how hard motherhood would be?

[bourneville]

I was so shocked and a bit resentful once i had dd that nobody had thought to tell me how hard it would be! Particularly regarding breast feeding. tbh i don't know if i was actually told and just didn't understand, because i did do a breast feeding workshop and i remember ppl saying how "hard" it was at the beginning and how it seemed "constant" - maybe it just didn't sink in because i had no conception of what it might be like? But also the amount of time it took to physically recover! That was the real . Actually 2.6 years later I don't think i have physically recovered yet!!

But anyway, anyone i know who has got pregnant since has had the misfortune of a complete explanation of how hard it all is from me. I miss out the really scary nightmares of labour, etc, and details of bodily functions etc, but I really do think we need to know! What do you all think? Would it have helped you get through it easier? When I was pg i read a couple of books and one particular book (i forget which one) i stopped reading by chapter 2 because it freaked me out so much. But once i had had dd I was eternally grateful that i had read as much as i did because i don't think i was as shocked as i would've been.

A friend also once said that she thought it made a difference whether or not you had planned to have a baby and were desperate for one, or was unplanned. I had NO INTENTION of ever having a baby, last thing i wanted, for me getting pg was the end of the world at first, so in actual fact i was pleasantly surprised once dd was here how wonderful (though hard) it all was, and kind of easier than i was expecting in a way. I seriously remember going clothes shopping when i was pregnant and thinking, "I will never be able to do this again!" !! But I imagine a lot of mothers who are really wanting to have children and perhaps have a blissful motherly vision are in for a HUGE shock and perhaps it is them I am saying need to know?? Or would they rather not know? Would it stop ppl ttc?

who says it's hard?

As somebody who is ttc my first, I do appreciate the honesty, BUT I can fathom all of the negatives for myself, I am usually more interested in the 'yes it's bloomin' difficult but worth it' spiel. Have been told by some mothers that if they had their time over they would remain childless. Now that scares me... Every time I tell somebody I'm ttc they reel off a million negatives.

I must admit I was rather hard on someone the other day on here who was talking about going on holiday with her possible week old baby and would it be alright to take the baby swimming. I dont normally reel off a whole load of negatives because I think of myself pre baby and I wouldnt have really understood.

Who would listen or believe the stories might apply to them? It is such a personal journey and no two experiences are the same (even within the same family).

I honestly don't think its that hard, and therefore don't think its fair to inflict horror stories on poor pg women who may find out its really isn't that bad!

Yes i joke to pg friends, "catch up on your sleep now while you can" and all that. But actually telling people its really hard etc etc is not necessary. My labour was fine, i breastfed fine and so do many other women. You can't live in the real world without knowing this isn't the case for everyone, so all women must know there are chances things won't go smoothly for them without needing to be told as it were.

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=67&threadid=23721&stamp=040530233620\some more discussion here}

i've told my kids repeatedly.

they will be skint
they will have no xmas presents for themselves as their kids then get the pressies! hmmm hmmmm !!

no lie in for at least a year - possibly 8 years or more.

mine also have some added bonuses to think about

you will have red headed children.
you have a strong possibility of having twins.
i will not help you financially
i will not babysit.

all naturally kind of flows over the dinner table doncha know

they should tell you that breastfeeding hurts a lot and takes ages to establish the baby stays skinny and feeds constantly and people put you down for it, also that you may not sleep fro 3 days after the birth adn that is normal, that the birth is not the worst bit always , the hospital midwives and hv are evil. the worst bit of having a baby is the lack of sleep at the start. but I love my ds and really wanted him adn I know what it is like and still want another baby. I don't think it is hard it is a new life. the one you had before is over and things change forever once you have a baby

LOL - love your posts Custy

You don't believe it because you can't possibly comprehend it until you're doing it for yourself. Only a couple of (very honest) friends tried to tell me how hard it would be - and I kind of poo-pooed them and said "ah well, I've come too far to turn back now." I was glad of them post-birth though!

No. Not so much the work, that doesn't bother me. In a perverse way, I enjoy it. I just pulled lemon squares out of the oven, b/c I love to bake goodies for DD1 and DH. But the incredible emotional commitment - I love the girls so much I will worry about them forever. I have to fight my nature, b/c I know I could easily become one of those 'helicopter parents'.

I'm not for a minute saying any of us regret having children, dd is the best thing that ever happened to me. And i must admit that i have rapidly backtracked when my sis was completely put off having children because she is so close to me & knew everything (and she was at the birth which traumatised her!) So yes i'd agree it is hard to convince people that it is worth it, as well.

Lucky you Hattie, not finding it hard! I now have the easiest dd in the world (very hard as a baby tho) but I still find it hard sometimes - not being mother to her actually, but the lack of freedom/time to myself.

re it not being fair to inflict horror stories - that was my question really, wondering if anyone disagreed with me. I hesitated before talking openly with my pg acquaintances, but decided that as i wished someone had been honest with me when i was pg, i wanted to prepare them a little bit for motherhood too! It felt fair at the time! Both have said since that they appreciated it, but I suppose they could be just saying that! :)

Bourne
I know where you're coming from w/regards to sleep deprivation. I didn't BF DD1, but I found it a doodle w/DD2. But she was a little natural.

I think sometimes it all depends on the baby.

DD1 was much more contented on the whole, yet we knew that was an anomaly so we take DD2's normality in stride.

kama - i echo your sentiments about ppl saying they're tired! Conversations with childless friends is really different now to how it used to be, I usually wind up feeling jealous & resentful when they talk about feeling tired, or they're being lazy not bothering to go out etc when i'd jump at the chance to go out! Talk of travelling, jobs, etc, it just seems like it's another world...

I have struggled with motherhood, before having kids I thought it would all come so easily and I would live in a world full of homebaking, skipping through fields of flowers with myh immaculate daughter.

People did warn me that it would not be that easy, but in my arrogance I thought they were just crap parents and I would do so much better. I had suceeded in everything in my life to that point and could not see why motherhood would be any different.

I have gone through phases of hating motherhood, longing for my old life and feeling that I have made a huge mistake. I love my daughter but I know I will never have any more children as I just cannot go through it all again. Noone ever told me I would feel like this and I felt on a par with a child abuser for having such feelings.

I will talk to dd when she is older about having children explaining the feelings I had about her and that they did not make me a bad mother - but just one who struggled and perhaps placed too much pressure on herself.

If I had been told I wouldn't have believed it.
I very nearly didn't choose to have children, too.
The hardest part for me is me being an insomniac anyway (that's why I'm here at 2am!) it is really hard to get enough sleep in total because the kids don't keep my erratic sleep hours (cheeky 'mares). Before kids I could catch up on sleep when my body would let me, now I have to soldier on even when exhausted, then I'm over-tired and can't sleep when kids do let me.

Sure, nobody ever really knows how hard it is. But then, nobody ever really knows how great it is either!

twinsetandpearls, sorry you have found it all so tough. It is ppl like you I was mainly thinking of needing to be warned! :) I too have struggled at times and hate those "if only..." moments. But I would actually do it again, because my boyf and I both want a future together and a child together too ultimately, and I'm afraid I probably have a rather too positive view of what it would be like 2nd time round. kama said she is a pessimistic person anyway, same here, but with me it is more like I'm afraid of the unknown. At least now I know what happens, although i also know 2nd time round would be completely different. 1st time round, pregnant on my own, facing a huge medical phobia also, was a nightmare, so i do dream of doing it all "properly" and being able to enjoy pregnancy.

More scared of post labour stuff though, i also go through phases of thinking I simply CAN'T do the baby years again! And it scares me sh*tless that it would be boyf's 1st time round so I'd have to deal with all his fears & 1st time parent paranoias etc etc etc too, and i also imagine winding up resentful about how different he is bound to be with his own kids compared to how he's been with dd... at least doing it on my own i only had myself to answer to!

I had well-meaning parent friends telling me how lucky I was to be able to sleep in, all through the years and years of desperately wanting a child and not having one. It didn't make any difference whatsoever, the wanting was far far stronger than the fears.
I've had loads of warnings about how much work two children are as compared to one, as well - especially for an old Mum like me - but I guess I'm stubborn or mad or both, 'cos we're trying

You can't tell people because you never know what it will be like for them anyway. As a baby ds1 was an absolute delight, a breeze - really and I mean really easy. As a 6 year old he is severely autistic with a whole host of challenging behaviours and requires 24 hour care- and will do for the rest of his life. No-one could have prepared me for that, and I couldn't have predicted it from the first few years of his life. I still don't really understand what that means anyway- I can't comprehend what my parenting role will be like with him in 20 years time, what does it mean that he will require that care? I know that I'll be cleaning his teeth, getting him dressed etc, but I can't actually imagine how doing that to a 26 year old will make me feel.

DS3 has been a bit of a shock as well, by the time you have your 3rd you think you know what you are letting yourself in for and how it will be. Not at all- he's completely different from my other 2 (the word nightmare springs to mind :o), and I spend most of my time wondering where on earth he came from. He's hilarious, so different.

Even my easy ds2 has turned into a whinge bucket recently which I wouldn't have predicted! :o

I was aware it could be bloody hard, having seen my own mother in action and also been very involved in bringing up my half-sister who is 14 years younger than me. That's why I didn't get round to it until I was 34! I was never confident that I could cope, tbh. Think the teenage pregnancy rate would fall dramatically if all teenagers had major exposure to the reality of looking after a baby/toddler.

But you don't really experience the full overwhelming nature of new parenthood until you have your own baby. And you can't possibly get the overwhelming love and protective instinct you feel for your child either until it actually hits you.