Would you have wanted to be told how hard motherhood would be?

[bourneville]

I was so shocked and a bit resentful once i had dd that nobody had thought to tell me how hard it would be! Particularly regarding breast feeding. tbh i don't know if i was actually told and just didn't understand, because i did do a breast feeding workshop and i remember ppl saying how "hard" it was at the beginning and how it seemed "constant" - maybe it just didn't sink in because i had no conception of what it might be like? But also the amount of time it took to physically recover! That was the real . Actually 2.6 years later I don't think i have physically recovered yet!!

But anyway, anyone i know who has got pregnant since has had the misfortune of a complete explanation of how hard it all is from me. I miss out the really scary nightmares of labour, etc, and details of bodily functions etc, but I really do think we need to know! What do you all think? Would it have helped you get through it easier? When I was pg i read a couple of books and one particular book (i forget which one) i stopped reading by chapter 2 because it freaked me out so much. But once i had had dd I was eternally grateful that i had read as much as i did because i don't think i was as shocked as i would've been.

A friend also once said that she thought it made a difference whether or not you had planned to have a baby and were desperate for one, or was unplanned. I had NO INTENTION of ever having a baby, last thing i wanted, for me getting pg was the end of the world at first, so in actual fact i was pleasantly surprised once dd was here how wonderful (though hard) it all was, and kind of easier than i was expecting in a way. I seriously remember going clothes shopping when i was pregnant and thinking, "I will never be able to do this again!" !! But I imagine a lot of mothers who are really wanting to have children and perhaps have a blissful motherly vision are in for a HUGE shock and perhaps it is them I am saying need to know?? Or would they rather not know? Would it stop ppl ttc?

But, actually, isn't there quite a lot of info available about the realities of motherhood, for those who are interested? Or you can just ASK your friends, ok what's it really like? Or simply observe... I don't really buy this idea that there is a conspiracy of silence and that its up to 'someone' (who?) to tell people the truth....

Quite, Elliott. Wait to be asked, that's what I say! And give the poor women a hand once their babies have been born!

A friend once said to me that having her son was the hardest thing but also the most amazing thing she'd ever 'done'. I think that sums it up really. I've been trying to prepare my sister for the pressure the first year puts on your relationship more than anything. As for doing childcare when a grandparent - a few hours yes, days or weeks forget it until they are no longer babies or toddlers.......

i think i had a fair idea that having children would be hard work. this was the main reason why i never wanted a child in my 20s' and early 30s'.
once i started thinking about starting a family we discussed at lenght about how we saw things changing. i must say my derire for a child grew but i also had a clear sense that my life would change utterly.
i read a lot from different perspectives but still its nothing like the real thing. with all its 'relentlessness' and amazing joys.

i think its difficult when the image presented is too idealised and people end up expecting 'perfect' undemanding babies that sleep trough the night just out of the womb. it drives people to seek unrealistic 'solutions' which lead to much frustration if not worst.

i think its well worth making parents aware of the

difficulties, better to be put off that end up with a child and resent it.

having said that every bit of it has been worth it

i thought there was loads around about how hard and life changing it is. actually for me it was a shock that it wasn't all as hard as people made out. i.e. i had a fantastically sleeping first baby, noone had ever told me that was possible.

all those feminist books on the subject give a fairly grim impression - Kate Figes, Betty Frieden, and many more. perhaps everyone should read them and then the reality might be a pleasant surprise.

i got pg when i was 16.i thought having a baby would be,not easy,but not hard (iykwim!)i was used to going out every night with my friends,and always ended up in pubs and clubs (i looked older than 16!)i just thought things wouldnt be that much different when i had him.but i soon realised taht you cant just do what you want,you have this little person to look after.and i soon lost contact with most of my friends,as they were still going out and i was at home changing nappies!dont get me wrong,i dont regret having my ds so young (and he soon was followed by another 4!!)but i do think that if i had known how much your life changes i probably would have waited until in my 20's to have a baby.im now 31,and although i love my kids to bits,i am adamant to drum it into my kids heads,that having babies and being a mum isnt easy.hopefully it'll put them off starting a family early.

jeez .. I find that post sad (only read OP so not any of replies)

yes there's hard bits, like there is with everything in life, but its more than balanced with the great bits that are also amazingly difficult to explain to people who don't have kid .. how can you explain about the first smile, the tottering steps the total adoration

I don't recognise parenthood in what you say .. it has its moments .. but basically I think you're wrong and trying to give it that negative spin to people who don't have kids is harmful potentially

what terrified me was the assertion that you as a person would change dramatically when you had children and all your priorities would change.

i was really very relieved to find that not the case with me. am still very recognisably the same person not some universal mother-type.

I knew all that - in theory - but it was still such a shock when it happened. Being told it would have been no different to reading it though - I wouldn't have believed it.

I remember thinking that babies slept 16 hours a day, which leaves 8 hours when you've got to look after them. And I worked 8 hours a day at the office. So how different could it be? Ho hum...

There is a conspiracy of silence about the birth though, there really is. When I was pg the first time, no one told me anything about what their births had been like. Not wanting to scare me, quite understandable really. When I was pg the second time, everyone chatted freely about their nightmare experiences. What they all seemed to forget, was that my first birth had been an elective cs and my second pg was heading towards my first labour - so how come I didn't qualify for considerate silence then?

I incline towards telling people how fantastic it will be. I like that soppy thing that does the rounds occasionally - what a mum is thinking as her daughter tells her she is pg. When you have a child, its like your heart is walking around outside your body. That one.

awwww Fruitful, that's such a lovely image

I was sniggering like an idiot I'm afraid... I saw this little heart scuttling around on little bandy legs, complete with aorta stub and surface vessels.... and maybe a beret....

Ignore me

pmsl @ greensleeves

I would have loved to have been told how hard it is beforehand - my mum had a 2hr labour with me, and I slept through from early on and was a very 'easy' baby and toddler. I didn't know anyone else with kids. So my impression of having a baby (from my mum) was completely misleading. Unfortunately my ds's birth nearly ended in my death, my ds still doesn't sleep through (at 2.8yrs), and he's a right old handful. Don't they say forewarned is forearmed? Mind you, if anyone had told me motherhood was THIS hard I really wouldn't have believed them. Having said that I'm having a really BAD day today so will probably say something completely different tomorrow.

Kleggie.

To have a child is to watch everything you ever loved take the shape of a tiny, vulnerable creature, who people will keep telling you to put down, leave to cry, don't spoil it, blah blah.

It's easy for them to say that. It isn't their baby. All you want to do is wail at these people "But it's everything to me! How can you ignore him when he cries, when the very hint of the beginning of a cry rips through me like a bolt of lightening?" The feeling settles down, but whne they are tiny you lose a lot of yourself to them.

It is a living piece of your life they are talking about. I nearly piss myself laughing when I hear pregnant women saying "The baby will be nearly 6 weeks old when I go back to work, I'm sure I will be used to being a mother by then!"

They won't. I don't think you ever do get used to it. I still gaze at my nearly 3 year old now, and I know that if he were taken from me, I would die inside. It's not even what you would call love, it is a devotion.

There now, i'm such a soft arse I've made myself cry blame last trimester hormones.

As IF!

I just think it's funny how you muddle along, always imagining people are doing better than you.

My best chum took me out to lunch yesterday (no, we're not ladies that lunch) and she told me how 3 1/2 years ago, when we met 'as mums', she'd been impressed by the crafty things I did with dds, and how it spurred her on to do more with hers. I told her how awful I felt at the time, trying to glue something with one dd whilst the other was trying to spoon the glue into her mouth, yet still trying to make an effort despite feeling completely out of my depth.

It was a real eye opener for both of us. Funny, really, how neither of us have addressed this before now. Know exactly what you mean.

I agree with Greensleeves that having DS was a bit like being hit by a train. Complete incomprehension about the hideousness of it all and feeling trapped, trapped, trapped. People had told me it was hard, but you can't understand - I would look at other parents and think "how have you coped? why does everyone else look so in control?" And I was told that it does get better - and it does. Though i am under no illusions re No 2 now, and expect it to be just as bad again for the first few weeks, I know it's worth it, and it gets better. If I'd known how I would feel for those first few weeks with DS I propbably would have thought about the whole thing more carefully, but would still have gone ahead.
Now I agree with Colditz - and she's made me cry too!

Colditz, you made me cry too - and I'm so not pregnant.

Moved by what Colditz has said. I agree and acctually resent all the "do-gooders" who told me not to sleep with dd, cuddle her too much etc because I'll make her spoilt and clingy but I obviously love doing all those forbidden, lovely things and now feel guilty every time we co-sleep or we have one of those long comforting cuddles. I feel like it's our guilty secret and I can't enjoy the beauty of it like I should. Very sad. And the last thing dd is is spoilt and clingy. She is my "heart outside of my body".

Who told you not to cuddle her too much?
That's horrible - sounds like something from the 1920s!

OMG, Lily...thats awful. Cuddle and love your dd as much as you like, you can't 'spoil' them that way!

Colditz- what a beautiful way to sum it all up. Bit teary now, and I am at work. Have to pretend I poked myself in the eye with a biro...

Twiglett I'm sorry you were saddened by my OP, I was trying not to come across as completely negative about becoming a mother. I was mainly talking about those first few weeks, though a bit about how it's hard generally!
I too echo Colditz's moving post about how one's love for one's lo feels. Particularly like "everything you ever loved take the shape of a tiny vulnerable creature" - that's exactly what it is like. Nothing else is important any more. At least not in those first few months, and not to the same extent as they were before. And, when I talk of warning mothers to be how hard it is, I'm not talking about putting them off having children or scaring the living daylights out of them, I just mean pre-warning so they are forearmed. But it seems that half of us prefer not to be fore-warned and the other half found it helpful! Was the response i expected i guess.

And btw re the conspiracy of silence around labour - I decided not to talk about it because I don't think there is anything that can prepare you for it. Scaring pg women about that is pointless - once you're going through it, you just get on with it, don't you. We all know already it's horrific. It's those first few weeks I was shocked about. Because I am a single mum, I had planned to stay with my parents once dd was born, and I originally said "Just a couple of weeks, probably," - I stayed for seven! I can't believe how naive i was! I didn't leave the house till day 10 and got just round the corner and felt like collapsing!