Would you have wanted to be told how hard motherhood would be?

[bourneville]

I was so shocked and a bit resentful once i had dd that nobody had thought to tell me how hard it would be! Particularly regarding breast feeding. tbh i don't know if i was actually told and just didn't understand, because i did do a breast feeding workshop and i remember ppl saying how "hard" it was at the beginning and how it seemed "constant" - maybe it just didn't sink in because i had no conception of what it might be like? But also the amount of time it took to physically recover! That was the real . Actually 2.6 years later I don't think i have physically recovered yet!!

But anyway, anyone i know who has got pregnant since has had the misfortune of a complete explanation of how hard it all is from me. I miss out the really scary nightmares of labour, etc, and details of bodily functions etc, but I really do think we need to know! What do you all think? Would it have helped you get through it easier? When I was pg i read a couple of books and one particular book (i forget which one) i stopped reading by chapter 2 because it freaked me out so much. But once i had had dd I was eternally grateful that i had read as much as i did because i don't think i was as shocked as i would've been.

A friend also once said that she thought it made a difference whether or not you had planned to have a baby and were desperate for one, or was unplanned. I had NO INTENTION of ever having a baby, last thing i wanted, for me getting pg was the end of the world at first, so in actual fact i was pleasantly surprised once dd was here how wonderful (though hard) it all was, and kind of easier than i was expecting in a way. I seriously remember going clothes shopping when i was pregnant and thinking, "I will never be able to do this again!" !! But I imagine a lot of mothers who are really wanting to have children and perhaps have a blissful motherly vision are in for a HUGE shock and perhaps it is them I am saying need to know?? Or would they rather not know? Would it stop ppl ttc?

Well exactly Clary, it is tempting! I find it hard being constantly tired and long for a day just to catch up with myself, even though I agree with you about doing stuff with dd is more worthwhile than lazing around doing s*d all which is what I'd prefer to be doing on particularly bad days!

My parents have offered to have dd from sat lunch right till sun lunch, i am so happy!! tbh a year ago i had a guaranteed day to myself when i did a day child care swap with a friend (who had to work) and I think it was harder to really appreciate it then, cos you do take things for granted. This weekend i am soooo looking forward to and will make the most of it more because it doesn't happen that often. If that makes any sense.

It may be that I have had two very easy to look after girls who are 10 1/2 years apart but I have not found motherhood to be an awful experience. There are times when you do not get enough sleep at night (sleep during the day is my answer), breastfeeding is extremely painful for the first few weeks (benefits to you and baby outweigh the pain), C sections are awful and painful for weeks, running around after a toddler is exhausting, trying to work and do everything to run your home (not very well in both cases for me) at the same time and ... The list of bad things goes on and on.

However, the love I feel for my children and have returned outweighs any hardship or pain. Forearmed is forewarned but not enough to put people off I think.

I think they ought to be warned.....
My best friend has just got a dog. Now she says to me all the time 'I really understand what its like to have a baby now we have the dog'. She thinks it has prepared her for impending motherhood. How wrong can she be?
Does Dog:
Get her up during the night crying/wanting milk
Ruin figure & create permanent love-handles (how on earth do you get rid of them?)
Prevent her going out whereever and whenever she wants?

I have tried to tell her, but she just can't see it. Am quite looking forward to the arrival of her first child, and then I can ask about the similarity of DOG v.BABY. Please don't get me wrong, love DS to distraction, but I find it so annoying when people underestimate the impact a baby has on your life!

lol Taffindra, a male friend of my boyf's had just got a dog and made a comment that it was like having a baby. I had to bite my tongue big time! (Wouldn't have bitten my tongue if it had been my friend, particularly a pg one!)

I too feel somewhat resentful that I wasn't told. Espeically as my family knew that I'm not the maternal type and given my own health history a bit of warning might have been handy!
tbh if I had known I would have chosen to adopt a slightly older child or not to have a child at all.

no.

no.

not being emphatic, just froze.

I would love to have been warned about the first 6 weeks.

When I phoned DF in the office and said "come home and take this 'thing' away, I cant do this anymore" crying my eyes out, sobbing because I couldn't stop him crying, and he seemed so sad, and I was obviously the wrong mum for him cos I couldn't cope.

He told his boss what had happened and asked for 10 mins out to talk to me, and she replied "OH gosh, yes, GO. I used to phone my husband 2 r 3 times a week saying the same in the first couple of months"

As soon as he told me what she had said, I relaxed, her 3 girls were happy, healthy young ladies and she was a confident well presented director. If she found this that hard, then it wasnt just me!! I was normal!!

So, yes I wish someone had told me about what the first 6-8 weeks could be like, but then again when I had the oppurtunity to tell someone a few months ago did I? Did I heck, I didnt want to ruin the last month of her pregnancy or spoil the moment she met her daughter... :o

Dreamteamgirl - so sweet of your DF's boss!

Bourneville - some friends of ours got a puppy about the same time as we had our DD. (They already had 2 girls). The puppy was a nightmare, chewed everything up, weed all over the place, scratched and bit.... They had to get rid of it in the end as they just couldn't cope.
Our conclusion: having a dog is a lot harder than having a baby

General point: what has come out on this thread is the great diversity of experience and that so many different things are normal and it really helps to know not only that what you're going through is normal, but also that it's not always like that. I really love the NHS pregnancy and 'birth to five' books mainly because they make a point of really emphasising the diversity - for every quote from one couple who say 'having a baby definitely does bring you closer together' there will be another saying 'Oh god, we found it really hard to keep our relationship going...' etc. If more baby books were like that instead of so many of them saying 'it will be this way....' I think a lot of people would be a lot less anxious....

Totally agree re diversity, great post!

i wish someone had told me the following :

1. When doing night feeds, sometimes you will feel so tired that your eyes sting so bad like they have sand and grit in them...you will struggle to keep them open. When you finally get back to sleep at say 4 am, baby will wake at 7am and the whole day will start again......
2. Babies do cry, and sometimes you can't always work out why they are crying, dont feel like a bad mum.
3. you will NEVER ever agian, be able to NIP out ANYWHERE without the military operation of nappies, bottles, food, pushchair etc etc being loaded into the car first.
4. sometimes you will love DD so much with all your heart you could cry.....sometimes you will want to throw her out of the window to stop her crying....children bring out very extreme emotions imo/ime
5. Grow eyes in the back of your head and an extra 4 sets of arms.
6. baby proof your house as oppsed to saying NO all the time...
7. bfing can hurt very much & did you know that your nipples can crack and bleed....

I think i would have been fine if i had know all that....still working on growing more eyes and arms though

Hi, I'm blondie, new on here, was gonna ask a breastfeeding q, but saw this and couldn't resist a peek!

There's a book that I read when preggers that really really prepared me for motherhood - how hard it would be but also how lovely. It's called 'What Mothers Do' by Naomi Stadlen. I gave it to a pregnant fried recently, because it made me realise the first few weeks and months WILL be tough, but that it DOESN'T matter. Saying it's all worth it, seems like the world's biggest understatement:)

Papaya - your #3: no no no. This military operation thing really freaked us out but it wasn't true at all. Keep the baby bag permanently loaded with everything and you just have to grab it and go.

Sorry if I sound smug, I'm sure i do - I only did it that way because DH is very efficient and made us. I was breastfeeding in the beginning which made it easier and it's harder now she's 8 months and on solids/formula. But it really helped with morale to not feel trapped in the beginning.

VG point about the 4 arms though. We cld genetically engineer the human race to have them but they would need to only grow once you reach adulthood, otherwise the children would have them too and can you imagine a toddler with 4 arms - dreadful.

agree completely with the diversity post - papaya i bought all the baby proofing stuff i thought i was supposed to need and ended up using NONE of it! My dd quite quickly learnt to obey the "no" and has always been timid/gentle so not caused trouble around the flat! In fact it takes some getting used to having other ppl's kids over who are the opposite it to her!
And not sleeping in the night, dd was in bed with me so she used to even find her own way to her milk source so i'd only half wake up and go back to sleep feeding her. I had trouble sleeping when I finally got tough enough to leave her in her own cot! (That phase didn't last long though!)

So yes, we all have very diverse experiences!

Blondie - I might have already mentioned it on this thread, i read What Mothers Do after dd became a toddler and SO wished I'd come across it earlier! At the same time as being realistic and writing about the hard stuff, it is also very affirming and makes you feel good about being a mother, iirc. Would like to read it again but have lent it to someone! :)

Just read your post kathy, lol re toddler with 4 arms!
Agree with you too about going out. I did the same, having a separate bag permanently stocked. Still felt like a pain having to go out with baby, pushchair, bag, etc though. To this day I feel weird walking down the street if I haven't got the pushchair.

Hi, I'm new on here.

I don't think anyone can possibly prepare you for being a mum, you just have to experience it at first hand. For me it wouldn't have mattered how many books I read or how much advice I was given.

Having suffered post-natal depression after I had my little girl I felt very isolated and vulnerable and extremely guilty about 99.9% of the time convinced I was the worlds worst mum. Having gone to a brilliant counselling group and having a course of anti-depressants (which I hope to finish soon) I feel a lot more confident that I can be a good mum now, although I still have the odd bad days and moments when I feel like a terrible mum, for example when my little girl started playschool and I took the decision to leave her for the first time and had to return 10 minutes later as she was so upset that I had left. I've never felt so guilty in all my life. But I definitely think that although it is hard work being a mum the good things definitely make all that hard work worth it, for me especially when my little girl told me "love you mummy" for the first time today .

Agree about 'What mothers do' - it's very good for the self esteem. I love the way it says that when you look back at how you were as a new mother when you wouldn't leave your baby alone for a second etc, it's very common to criticise your earlier self for being neurotic, but actually it wasn't neurotic at all, it's perfectly rational to be ultra-cautious when you are learning for the first time what you can and can't do with a baby.

My DH and I had issues with the way it was all about mothers, though - we found it did not really reflect a lot of our experience because of that.

Mumo Fabby (ok, I'm sure it's really 'Mum of Abby but I like Mumo Fabby, it's more affirming :) ) - to hear about your PND - must have been really tough, but how lovely that your little girl is saying she loves you. Aw bless!

When I was pregnant people took great delight in trying to put the fear of god into me, so much so that I ended up living like a recluse in the last few months of my pregnancy because I was so fed up with everyone trying to scare me and being obssessed with the size of my bump. I felt suitably smug when I had a baby who slept through the night quickly and had no other major nasty things.

What would have helped was some sensible advice like hospitals are hot, take in a big bottle of water with you, eat lots of dried apricots to prevent piles, try this cream to avoid stretch marks etc etc That is, constructive advice on how to avoid nasties, not just "you'll never sleep again" and "your boobs will sag" and "life will never be the same again" blah blah blah.

If I am ever talking to a first-time pregnant lady now I dwell on the positives, not the negatives (and for me, the worst thing for a long time was the fact that city breaks in nice European cities were a thing of the past - now my ds is 3 and is happy to stay with my mum, we may get to do one at last).

What's the point of trying to scare and depress a pregnant couple? You can't send a baby back! A positive attitude will go a long way - a fearful one will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

or even a prophecy

Very wise words Hellywobs. After all, if all you heard were horror stories you'd still do it wouldn't you?
Although am looking forward to BF with Dog to have her first baby and then I can laugh in a maniacal fashion. She does enjoy frequent all night benders (and can't understand why I don't or won't anymore - apart from the odd one off...) and dosn't seem to think that will change with arrival of offspring.
Ho ho ho

I don't think I'd have listened anyway.

But my friend's ds was born 3 months after my dd1 and she constantly accuses me of hiding the Awful Truth About Motherhood from her during the last few months of her pregnancy. As if I could have sat her down and said "Look, you've got a whole world of shock, pain and fear to look forward to...best of luck with it".

But I think her experience was more difficult than mine anyway, especially as I've had another since and she is still dead against ever giving birth again!

Do you not what is so refreshing......is seeing that I am not the only one who has felt like this. It's pointed out some of the negatives a baby can bring and has made me feel "normal". I have two friends about to give birth in a few weeks time who are first time mothers - one is planning to go out 2 weeks after the birth for a night out (not just for a couple of drinks, the whole hog). I told her to see how she feels when the baby gets here - as diplomatic as I could be!

I know I'm going to start an argument here, but those of you who say that you wish you had been told how hard motherhood was going to be, or those who even feel resentful (!) that no-one told you, why didn't you ask someone? Having a baby is such a massive undertaking it seems odd to me that anyone would do it without at least one honest conversation about what is involved.

I was wondering something similar - not 'why didn't you ask someone?' because I'm sure usually people did but in retrospect they feel like they weren't given an honest answer - but the people who say 'I had no idea how to look after a baby', why didn't they read books about it while they were pregnant? The week I found out I was pg my DH got into a sudden panic because he had no idea how to change a nappy. So we had an emergency trip to Borders and bought a book and he was much calmer after that . The only person in that situation I do understand is a friend of mine who'd had so many miscarriages she didn't really believe her baby was ever going to happen - perhaps felt a bit like she was jinxing it by reading the books. Others, I'd be interested to know....