Would you have wanted to be told how hard motherhood would be?

[bourneville]

I was so shocked and a bit resentful once i had dd that nobody had thought to tell me how hard it would be! Particularly regarding breast feeding. tbh i don't know if i was actually told and just didn't understand, because i did do a breast feeding workshop and i remember ppl saying how "hard" it was at the beginning and how it seemed "constant" - maybe it just didn't sink in because i had no conception of what it might be like? But also the amount of time it took to physically recover! That was the real . Actually 2.6 years later I don't think i have physically recovered yet!!

But anyway, anyone i know who has got pregnant since has had the misfortune of a complete explanation of how hard it all is from me. I miss out the really scary nightmares of labour, etc, and details of bodily functions etc, but I really do think we need to know! What do you all think? Would it have helped you get through it easier? When I was pg i read a couple of books and one particular book (i forget which one) i stopped reading by chapter 2 because it freaked me out so much. But once i had had dd I was eternally grateful that i had read as much as i did because i don't think i was as shocked as i would've been.

A friend also once said that she thought it made a difference whether or not you had planned to have a baby and were desperate for one, or was unplanned. I had NO INTENTION of ever having a baby, last thing i wanted, for me getting pg was the end of the world at first, so in actual fact i was pleasantly surprised once dd was here how wonderful (though hard) it all was, and kind of easier than i was expecting in a way. I seriously remember going clothes shopping when i was pregnant and thinking, "I will never be able to do this again!" !! But I imagine a lot of mothers who are really wanting to have children and perhaps have a blissful motherly vision are in for a HUGE shock and perhaps it is them I am saying need to know?? Or would they rather not know? Would it stop ppl ttc?

I think what would help is to be told that motherhood will totally change your life. Not everyone finds it so hard, but nobody could say it didn’t change everything.
A colleague of mine has had a baby and she’s not the easiest of babies. She puts a brave face on but I think she is struggling. Her DH said to me: “Well, it’s certainly not how we thought it would be.” That’s kind of my point.
However much you prepare, however many tests etc you have, the new baby really is “a little stranger” (icky term, but I think it works here) and there are no guarantees. A new person is totally reliant on you and who knows how they might turn out? That’s the great adventure, surely. And worth any amount of hard work.
I am always wary of saying “this is how it will be for you” when what I mean is “this is how it was for me”.
I am so sorry for all of you who have found it hard, really twinset and jennylee you have my sympathy. But not everyone finds motherhood like that. Skerriesmum has it right.

yes, jimjasm is right on the money as well (as ever), even my 3 are totally different, so how it was with tantrumming dd is not how it was with sunshine DS2 (he's a bit of a madman tho).

oh that was th newborn bit it is not like that now, no I cannot really remeber what life was like before him now, it seems like he was always here

I don't think anyone would necessarily believe their experience would be the same anyway - the old "it won't happen to me" thing!

Also don't you think that marathon runners and Everest climbers suffer in the attainment of their goal but doesn't stop them wanting to put themselves through the pain and risk for the buzz they get in the end?

I had incredibly bad birth experience with second child, two colicky babies, nightmare breastfeeding experiences and now many years later still have trouble with episiotomy botched job but wouldn't swap my two for anything!

I am really glad no-one told me how hard it could be esp regarding bfing. I found bfing easy thank goodness but if I had been on this forum before I tried it I doubt I would have got on with it so well. And I thank the Lord I had no idea how traumatic births can be before I went through it. I went into it all completely blind and I am so glad I did.

I started out thinking "I wouldn't have believed it" but, after a bit of thought, I think had I heard a really honest and balanced account from an older female whom I trusted and respected (not my mother - maybe a teacher?) then I would have believed it, and I would have been more equipped when it happened. I felt as though I had been hit by a train when I had ds1. I had never been through anything so violent and traumatic in my life. I loved him deeply, but it didn't stop me from having these extraordinary feelings of grief and anger. I felt as though I had died in the hospital and just a shell of me remained to look after the baby. I felt as though Nature had effected some kind of exchange where my life had been taken away so that he could have his. It wasn't resentment of him, or of having to look after him, is was just that I felt so crushed and exhausted and broken... it's hard to explain. I'm now a SAHM with two gorgeous toddlers and I'm very happy with that choice - but I wish I had had more idea of what to expect when I entered into it.

Greensleeves - we couln't have had more different experiences if we'd tried.

I simply wouldn't have believed anyone who told me I would have found it the enormous struggle that I have done.
I read a bit of Kate Figes before I had my first and had to stop as it was too depressing. I was in complete denial and refused to believe that my life would change so much.
I thought I was going to be great with babies and children. I had no idea that extended colic and sleep deprivation would suck the life out of me and that actually I loathe most of the things that small children enjoy.
I have recently started to enjoy my children. I have always loved them, but only in the last year or so can I say that I regularly enjoy their company. Sad, but true.

I am with Hattie05, I really don't find it that hard and don't think it is fair to scare the bejesus out of people with the horror stories, that they won't believe anyway or assume are due to the tellers incompetence as a parent .

We all have different tolerances to different trials, for example sleeping some people can cope on very little (2/3 hours a night) and others are gibbering after a week of it disturbed nights.

I also believe that having confidence in what you as a parent decide to do has a big impact on the success of the choices you make and you can affect this confidence by filling new/soon to be mothers with fear about what is to come!

It wouldn't have made any difference to me, I was desperate to have a baby!

Was glad to have all the gloomy info tbh because it was then better than I expected. But what could people possibly say about life in general, not just parenthood, that people could 'feel', without doing it themselves? Breastfeeding is usually constant at first. Getting up five times a night is really hard. Labour can be extremely painful and only major opiates will actually take the pain away. All true but completely inexpressive. I personally feel that all the info is out there, in fact it's quite hard to get away from it.

I think I was warned, but this was balanced by being told how fab it was too, so never any doubt in my mind. Stick with it kleggie, the joys easily outwiegh the frustrations.

I felt like people were always telling me it was hard. Got so fed up with people saying 'It'll change your life' - you don't say?
DH and I have found it a doddle compared with what we were expecting. BUT - that's cos we were expecting it to be such a nightmare, not a moment to ourselves, broken sleep every night for years etc. IMO that's a good baseline for your expectations when you start out as then you feel delighted whenever you do manage to read a newspaper, go out for a meal etc. I still expect the second to be hell though. :)

Pregnancy on the other hand.... now that was difficult - I'd heard all these stories about women who ran marathons while PG so it was a bit of a shock to discover I could hardly climb the stairs! Went on holiday with DH and his hillwalking friends, thinking maybe I'd be doing slightly smaller walks than them - in the end I didn't leave the cottage all week!

Oh, we also read Allison Pearson's novel 'I don't know how she does it' which put the fear of god into me about being a working mum, reality didn't turn out to be anything like as bad.

I don't tell people it is hard because what is hard for you may not be hard for other people. But I always make it clear I will be there to help if they need it

dh and I have decided to expect the arrival of number 3 to be hell, then if it is better than that we will be pleasantly surprised

I expected it to be hell, but it turned out not to be so bad really. My friend who had a baby a few years earlier had a night mare of a time, baby screamed constantly, didnt put on weight, wouldnt sleep,marriage suffered . DS was a breeze in comparison, so I didnt find it that hard at all TBH. The most difficult thing was coming to terms with the new societies expectations of a mummy at home. So I went back to work quite soon, and was very pleased with the work life balance Iw as able to achieve.

I was told.
But, I just didn't understand.

No, I wouldn't want to be 'told how motherhood is' because it is different for everybody. There are no hard and fast rules, just because someone has had a crappy experience or a radiantly beautiful mother-earth type one, does not m=ean that I will automatically follow suit.

I paid attention when told how difficult it was. And I didn't listen hard enough when people said how great it could be (not all the time, but some of the time). As a result, it took me ages to work out that my lowness/exhaustion/misery wasn't 'the usual'. In fact it was PND. Unfortunately, I'd missed out on baby no1's babyhood by this point.
I think we may now have reached the point where we're underselling the pleasure of mothering

I agree bakedpotato.

There are some things you assume - like gps being besotted with their only grandchildren and wanting to help you out. Slightly puzzled that none of them go out of their way to visit and do not see how wonderful their grandchildren are. We have had "you knew what you were doing when you had 3 children" which is a horrid thing to say - that's my father talking, almost smug that we have had sleepless nights etc as they found it so hard. Don't really go into detail now on the weekly phone call.

Maybe how hard you find motherhood is related to your expectation. I expected that I would find it easy and I expected to be a perfect mother. Now I know that I can't be that but I still do expect it of myself. I am sure that if I coud chill out I would have enjoyed it a lot more.

I can remember someone posting on here about their own memories of their mother who was permanenetly stressed because she was trying to create a perfect childhood when all she really wanted was her mother to chill a bit.

I think I will advise my dd to be more relaxed than me and then perhaps she will be a happier mum than I have been.

Bakedpotato - agree with you that the pleasure is being undersold. The prevailing discourse seems to be 'expect it all to be terrible'.
DH and I only went to one antenatal class, partly because they were relentlessly downbeat about it all. They gave us all a copy of a sort of joke job advert for parenthood saying something like, 'No holidays. Hours - twenty-four a day' which seemed to be designed to freak people out. Now, I can believe that there are a few people who don't have a realistic idea of how much commitment is needed, but assuming everyone is like that seemed a bit patronising.
Though as I say, at least then the good bits were a nice surprise.... :)

I can understand here what people mean about not scaring the living cr*p out of women unnecessarily, when it may not be anything like as bad for them. From my own perspective, my mother had four short, easy labours (the midwife in the last one said it was like shelling peas!) and she led me to believe that daughters ALWAYS have the same kind of labour as their mothers. So when my first pregnancy and labour went seriously Hammer House of Horror, I didn't know what had hit me. I think it's quite difficult to find a solution to suit everybody to be honest.

I was shocked how difficult and painful breastfeeding was at first. Until it settled down I felt I was perhaps not cut out for it, and when it did settle down I felt cross I had been given the idea it would be all sweetness and light from the beginning.

I thought I was fairly well-prepared for how hard it would be, but haven't actually found the bits I thought would be tough, that bad. The things I have struggled with have been random things that I don't think anyone could have predicted.