Would you have wanted to be told how hard motherhood would be?

[bourneville]

I was so shocked and a bit resentful once i had dd that nobody had thought to tell me how hard it would be! Particularly regarding breast feeding. tbh i don't know if i was actually told and just didn't understand, because i did do a breast feeding workshop and i remember ppl saying how "hard" it was at the beginning and how it seemed "constant" - maybe it just didn't sink in because i had no conception of what it might be like? But also the amount of time it took to physically recover! That was the real . Actually 2.6 years later I don't think i have physically recovered yet!!

But anyway, anyone i know who has got pregnant since has had the misfortune of a complete explanation of how hard it all is from me. I miss out the really scary nightmares of labour, etc, and details of bodily functions etc, but I really do think we need to know! What do you all think? Would it have helped you get through it easier? When I was pg i read a couple of books and one particular book (i forget which one) i stopped reading by chapter 2 because it freaked me out so much. But once i had had dd I was eternally grateful that i had read as much as i did because i don't think i was as shocked as i would've been.

A friend also once said that she thought it made a difference whether or not you had planned to have a baby and were desperate for one, or was unplanned. I had NO INTENTION of ever having a baby, last thing i wanted, for me getting pg was the end of the world at first, so in actual fact i was pleasantly surprised once dd was here how wonderful (though hard) it all was, and kind of easier than i was expecting in a way. I seriously remember going clothes shopping when i was pregnant and thinking, "I will never be able to do this again!" !! But I imagine a lot of mothers who are really wanting to have children and perhaps have a blissful motherly vision are in for a HUGE shock and perhaps it is them I am saying need to know?? Or would they rather not know? Would it stop ppl ttc?

pepperrabit that's exactly how I felt. I just couldn't believe that my mum hadn't told me about this. It really did feel like a conspiracy.

I also wondered how on earth people had done it and had such renewed respect for all the mothers I knew.

(I actually watched my stash of thirtyomething tapes to see how Hope had managed )

Loads of people in my dh's family told me not to hold her too much, to let her cry it out etc. They are all from very large Irish families tho and would have practically raised themselves. My MIL is from a family of 9 siblings and my FIL had 16 siblings!!!! So not much time for cuddling for them all!!! My dh has 5 siblings and as a result my in-laws are of the mind that having just one child is a breeze and she will be easily spoilt.
They are also v unsympathetic if I am tired!

I honestly didn't find it hard when i had dd1. I read up a lot on pregnancy, birth and the first 5 yrs, collected a lot of advice and did things my way in general.
One of my sis had her ds 9monhs before i had mine (the first granchild) and she was pulling her hair out!
I did have some help from my parents and a little from pil's, but times have changed too.
I didn't feel i could juggle work and care for dd at the same time.
In contrast, my mum had 7 kids by the age of 33 and both my parents worked throughout .. no maternity leave for my mum, ever! Mostly brought up by grandmother and we had healthy home cooked dinners every single day.
My mum did find it tough, but she did what she had to do .. my dad is simply the best, because he is selfless, caring and sees the positive side, takes interest in everything and does housework, cooks and is always there for us with a happy smile and warm welcome.

intresting post.

is it about preparing someone for motherhood in themselves or preparing someone for parenthood? there is a difference i think, being that one is about yourself and the other is about the family unit.

personally every experience of raising a child is different and i think the most important thing a woman needs to know is that what ever happens there is support. i had high expectations of what motherhodd would be like and no amount of being told different would have helped. if someone asks how hard it is thats different,then i would say hell yeah its tough but you wont do anything so rewarding in the rest of your life.

i dont view labour as being horrific either and mine was not a particularily easy one by no means. again it is down to each individual, and each individual will only know how they will deal with it once they are doing it. i think most women agree that once labour is over and the physical signs are gone say around 6 weeks later, it is forgotten.

being there to offer support is the best thing, not terrifying new mothers with horror stories that may not even be true for themselves. the mind is a powerful thing, picture it like chain letters, tell someone they will have bad luck and that person believes it.tell someone their child will be a nightmare and their life will be ruined and agin that will probably happen because YOU made them believe that. luckily there are some strong minded people out there that know motherhood is an individual journey and one noone can tell them what it will be like

I have never read the Kate Figes book so i am prepared to be whacked down by those who know better but have read about the book and from

\link{http://www.meettheauthor.com/bookbites/426.html\this} clip I think it is a good thing to make mothers who are struggling realise that they are not crap unloving people who are destined to always feel this way but the feelings they have about motherhood are shared by many (not all - but many) other women.

What made my early experiences of motherhood so difficult was the belief that I was the only one struggling and that everyone else was skipping off into the sunset with their plump breatsfed organicaly weaned papermache loving babies while I was sat on the sofa with a crying baby and sore boobs!

I still see it now in my work mothers who are feeling awful because they belive they are the only ones who find their babies hard and who are not the perfect vision of motherhood they think everyone else has. To have happy children we need happy mothers.

saadia I felt the same way. After giving birth I was completely blown away that women throughout history have gone through this amazing difficult thing and I felt so proud to be one of them! (Not that we have a choice!) :)

happybebe, I really hope I haven't made life difficult for them by telling them how hard it was gonna be! A lot of ppl on here (including myself) have said they were pleasantly surprised when they were expecting the worst, rather than having that prophecy fulfilled.

And forgetting about labour - tbh i had forgotten about it/had no time to think about it for ages afterwards (or possibly blocked it out to keep my sanity!). It was at least a year before I started thinking about it, and had horrible flashbacks and was like "did I really go through that?" I started thinking every woman should have a free counselling session afterwards to help them come to terms with it! It was around the time an acquaintance of mine got pg so i had started thinking again about it. And i didn't have a particularly horrific experience, just a very long labour on gas&air!

I read What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen when dd was no longer a baby, and so wished i had read it earlier! I remember one part making me cry because it described and affirmed how I felt so well. (A part describing a sleep-deprived mother quietly comforting her baby & getting it to sleep,it described her from an outsider's point of view, and then the huge amount of stuff that was actually going on from the mother's point of view.) It is true that from the outside looking after a baby looks so peaceful and easy (unless it is obviously screaming blue murder!), but we all know that simply just holding a baby on your lap (esp while trying to talk to a friend) is NOT just sitting having a chat. Even I, when i visit a friend who has a young baby, forget sometimes what it was like.

I don't tell people because there's not point. They'd just think you are moaning because, as mentioned, all women have done this throughout time so - how hard can it be.

Also I don't think you can in any way prepare someone for birth or what comes after. We all have our own unique journeys of discovery.

Oh also I've been meaning to say that I think i've been going on about letting ppl know how hard it is because I always feel like ppl think being a SAHM is easy, so I feel like i need to justify it. (Not to everybody, but to eg my boyf when he comes to mine from work all tired & stressed - one day i said "I've had a stressful day too!" and before i could even explain why, he said, "well, I've had a stressful day at work!" made me so esp as we've had so many discussions about all that!

I know that's got nothing to do with the 1st 6 weeks though, I would imagine most ppl would acknowledge that a new baby is harder work than a job!

Haven't read whole thread so am probably repeating.

The trouble is that when people talk about parenthood, they either make the mistake of saying 'It will be like this' or they say nothing at all because they don't want to force their experiences on you.

And, often people talk in soundbites ('Ooh, three's worse than two' or 'Wait till they're walking, you'll know what trouble is then' kind of thing) which doesn't help for obvious reasons, whereas a reasoned but short chat might actually enlighten one.

Most people suck at talking about parenthood, basically. So yes, I would like to have known, but I cannot imagine who could have told me. Certainly no-one I know (incl myself, now).

Is there anyone else reading this who isn't yet a parent? Would be interesting to hear from you!

bourneville that's so true about people looking in from the outside. I mean the sense of panic and alarm you feel as you try to settle an inconsolable baby, or when you're knackered, you've fed and put the baby down to sleep, crept downstairs and you hear the crying again. Your whole body just collapses inside.

It's so hard because it matters so much. Nothing really important or valuable comes easily. Having a baby really is life's greatest privelege.

Some friends of ours are expecting and they actually said, very politely, but clearly out of frustration, that people were constantly giving them advice so me and dh just kept our traps shut.

Was discussing this thread with dh who pointed out that before we had dd, a fair number of friends took the time to tell us how utterly wonderful it was, despite all the tiredness and stress and change in balance of relationship. Very much appreciated.

Yeah, I laugh now looking back but when dd was a baby I was living in a small flat where I had to fold down the pushchair to get it down the steps into the flat, so I used to have to put dd in her crib (on a good day still asleep :)) but if she was screaming it was absolute hell for me. It must've only been for 1 or 2 mins but it seemed forever and was SO STRESSFUL! I also remember once reaching the end of my tether when I was trying to put the clothes away dd wouldn't stop crying (she was a very clingy baby) I dumped her in the other room and turned my radio up v loud, again it seemed like forever that i'd left her, but in fact putting the clothes away didn't even take the whole of one song! I'd like to think that with a 2nd baby I'd be more rational, but perhaps mothers feel that way for a reason - they feel exactly as their baby feels - to a baby it IS absolutely urgent and they have no way of knowing/trusting that you are there/coming back etc so to them it is blind panic? And we mothers feel like that naturally, in order to ensure the baby's survival, iykwim? Now (dd is 2.6) I am frequently putting her in her room BECAUSE she's crying "You can come out when you've stopped crying!" (I hasten to add, this is in response to tantrums only!)

But anyway, on the outside, my flat mate at the time was saying when I was complaining about how clingy dd was, "Why don't you just leave her for a bit at a time, she'll get used to it?" She just couldn't comprehend that I simply couldn't do that. (Though I did do cc at 6 months, v v hard but success came within a few days thank god.)

x posts pruni - oh i never hesitate to tell ppl dd was the best thing that ever happened to me and that they MUST consider having children! That bit doesn't come over very well if I've just moaned about all the hardships!

I think it is possible for people to have very different perspectives on exactly the same situation. So what one person perceives as being hard another thinks it is great!

The view probably depends on a whole host of things, your past experiences, your desires for life, your personality, and the same list again for your DH.

I love being a parent and have never found it particularly hard work. It is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done!

Many on here would look at my life and think it was their worst nightmare!

I always tell people that babies can be disruptive at times - how they view that depends on how dispruptive and how much they like or dislike disruption

I would definitely have liked to know more - esp. about the physical recovery bit - I had no clue I would feel that awful for so long, and had no clue the bfing would be so painful either - all the books said 'if you have the positioning right it won't hurt' yeah yeah. I got the nurses to check me EVERY time for positioning and it was fine and the pain was terrible! And some people had said labour wasn't really that bad and you forget it all once you've had the baby, but to think about it now is like reliving a nightmare.

And I do the same thing now - I tell anyone thinking of getting pregnant all the gruesome (and good) facts that I wish I'd known -not to put them off, but just to help them be better prepared than I was. The pregnancy books don't really talk about life after baby - just the birth, then it all stops and you have to fend for yourself.

I know when I was pg I didn't want to know the horror stories about labour - and I think that's probably right cos it can make you tense and that can make it more painful. But I would have like to know what came afterwards. I think its the specifics I would have liked to be prepared for - like not being able to sit down (maybe I could have got a rubber ring to prepare for that!) etc.

You know what, and this makes me feel good actually, there is only one thing left that i have not got used to and that i still find hard and that permeates my otherwise good feeling about everything else:

lack of freedom!
And it'll never go away. Everything else about my life/ my dd etc is very easy.(Hasn't always been) :)

(oh and constant tiredness but tbh i think that's down to me now rather than dd )

oh balls i always forget to star the words individually!

I've forgotten what freedom is like...
TBH it does make me cry occasionally.

Bourneville - how does the lack of freedom affect you? What can't you do that you used to do? How important are all the things you can't do compared with the things you can do with DD?

Exactly beartime, it is mainly everything you mention that i have been thinking of. :)
Sitting down - why the hell didn't i think of it when i was pg? it seems so obvious now!
oh and.... actually on second thoughts better not, just occurred to me ppl ttc might be reading it not wanting to know

I didn't want to hear about it. But it didn't stop some (not all) people I knew going on and on - almost gleefully - about how we could forget about any kind of life ever again.

I remember sitting at one family gathering, pregnant, thrilled but obviously unsure of what it would all be like and 'advice'(unasked for I might add) coming at me from all directions. I was quite upset about it and cried later. So much of it was cynical and painted a worrying picture. Deliberately I think to wind me up and it did a bit. I was in my thirties and was giving up a good job. I think in some ways they were curious to see how we'd I'd handle it, having done anything we'd wanted for years.

I think some people like to sound superior and expert. You can't tell them they might be wrong, because how can you know when you haven't yet had children? So they get the opportunity to sound lofty and knowledgable and scare the shit out someone who can't argue back into the bargain. I think it can be quite spitefully done on some levels.

I went on to have three. Yes it's been hard, but not in a way that you can equate to anything pre-children, because the upside is higher than anything I'd ever known too. Much much higher. It's totally incomparable to anything previously known. Highs are higher, lows are terrifying. It's impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't been there. Why try?

I try very hard to keep my thoughts to myself around parents-to-be; other than to put a vague positive spin on it all.

I can't stand all that 'You've got all this to come..' rubbish from people with children older than mine either. Their experience will probably not be mine.

soapbox, you have made a very good point that i will have to think about. But off the top of my head...

I don't really miss going out drinking at the drop of a hat any more, can take it or leave it, but i do get miserable if there is a night out i want to go on but can't get a babysitter for. I miss feeling completely free when i'm out, ie not having to worry about getting back for babysitters/getting too drunk etc etc.

I hate not being able to go round to my boyf's when i feel like it, I have to rely on him coming here. I don't feel fully part of his life like i would be otherwise (inc spontaneous nights out with him & his mates). i know it bothers him sometimes too though he doesn't really complain :). I get sick of our relationship existing mostly in my flat.

I miss being able to meet up with my close set of friends whenever i want, free of dd. They aren't really going-out-drinking ppl so when i meet them i'm usually with dd so that affects my 'free' communication with them iykwim. (feel too guilty to ask them to schlep over to mine of an evening instead every time, esp as they do babysit on the odd occasion.)

I miss TERRIBLY being able to lie in at the weekends, and to have a nap mid afternoon if i feel like it.

I miss being able to do anything for myself without having to root around for babysitters - eg haircuts, doc appointments (intimate ones i mean ), clothes shopping, swimming etc.

I miss being able to nip to the shops in the evening if there's something i fancy or something i forgot to pick up in the day.
yeah ok i'm scraping around the bottom of the barrel now

Oh and a biggie - i absolutely PANIC when i get ill because i have no choice but to carry on looking after dd. I thank my lucky stars she is so wonderful and so far has seemed to understand what ill is and gives me as little trouble as she possibly can when it does happen :).

I must say I feel the lack of freedom thing far more at the weekends, when everyone else is free. During the week my days feel more like a "working day" iykwim and on those days I feel very lucky to be in the situation i'm in and ironically free-er than when i think about other ppl working! :) But at the weekends if i've got nothing planned, no one to see etc i can wind up feeling pretty miserable. So in that way, it is a comparative thing isn't it. I am trying really hard to work on feeling positive about my life - cos i am happy - and to accept what I'm not free to do and just get on with being happy and doing what i can in whatever way i can. But it's not easy. You saying "how does it compare to what you can do with dd?" may be the key here, and what you say TinyGang is also so true, all the positives by far outweigh the negatives. So i've just gotta GET OVER IT!! :)

btw TinyGang I hate that too from ppl with older kids, it sounds really patronising or something. But I have to disagree, for me personally, about warning mothers to be about the first few months. Putting a "vague positive spin" on it all is actually what i felt a bit resentful about...

phew sorry everyone it's a long one u got me started soapbox! u did ask! And I'm well aware i sound like a right old self piteous windbag when i am actually one of the luckiest ppl alive.

Ah!!

I didn't realise that you and your bf don't live together. In which case I really do understand how you feel.

I think if I couldn't have girls nights out or the odd dinner out with DH I would feel pretty tied too!

I do miss the sponteneity a bit (especially on a work night when often DH and I might have decided on the spur of the moment to spend an evening chatting in a wine bar) but I don't miss it as much as I enjoy the upside of having the children.

I think if you have sole responsibility though it must be even harder! DH and I can always open a bottle of wine here and chill out in front of the fire - cheaper than a wine bar too