OK atheist parents - how do you deal with The God Thing?

[Bibulus]

DH and I aren't believers but we don't make a big thing out of it. We made the decision early on to be as neutral as possible in the way we talked about religion with DD, i.e. 'some people believe this, some believe that....'

She prays at school, she knows all about baby Jesus and his mother Mary, although she's probably a bit sketchy on the details of it all and has barely ever set foot in a religious building.

Anyway, this evening she asked to visit the local churchyard, so we had a little walk around, and she was asking lots of questions about the people buried there, why people brought flowers to them etc. Then she wanted to go into the church, and it was open so we poked our head in.

DD was spellbound by it - she said breathlessly, 'why is it so pretty in here mummy?' and asked a million questions about how you talk to god, what does heaven look like, who are the pretty ladies with wings on the wall.....! Then we got collared by the vicar, who was very pleasant and sweet to her and showed her round the church which enchanted her even more.

Am now regretting taking her in there a bit! I didn't want to ruin it for her so I haven't said anything to undermine the idea of god or praying or heaven. Now she is sitting next to me on the sofa practising praying. DH will do his nut!

So anyway, I'm interested to hear how other non-Christian, non-believing parents handle all this stuff?

We use the line 'some people believe...' a lot and if they ask us if we believe it we say no.

The dc know we don't believe in God although we do share some moral values that many religions hold. They have been to various religious ceremonies from different religions and we make sure they know how to behave and to respect others' beliefs. We tell them they'll decide what they think when they're ready.

My ds compares God to Chewbacca - someone he reads about and knows about but isn't real - not sure how helpful that is, he came up with that on his own!

I would just let it run it's course with her. She's had her head turned by an interesting building full of 'pretty' things. I would say I'm more agnostic than atheist (although with more atheist leanings these days) and the way I usually talk about faith/god etc to my dc (age 7 and 4)is to say that some people believe in it and some don't, and keep it as simple as that. I wouldn't not go into a church/synagogue etc if they wanted to have a look around and ultimately if they decided they believed in a god I would have to respect that.

Our dc's are exposed to RE in school and we consider it part of their education. At the moment religion does make life a lot easier, especially when you have to talk about death. When fil passed away, I found myself talking about heaven a lot...

Ds is 8 now and we are sometimes starting to say things like "Christians believe xyz, but I believe abc".
We don't encourage any sort of belief and try to present different points of view, but it is difficult and I can see your dilemma.

Religion can be very enchanting and I don't think it would do any harm to let your dd explore it for a while. It is, after all, part of our heritage. I think in good time and as children get older you can start to explain what you believe and why. After all, it will be the dc's choice

You support her in her current interest. Even without faith, it is a rich part of European heritage.

You might like also to visit other places of worship.

And if she, as an independent person, does come to have faith at any stage in her life, you respect it.

We go along the line of 'some people believe...' too. When DS asked me directly if I believed, I answered that I didn't. He has visited church and other places of worship with school, also the Rev Trev comes into school sporadically and talks to them about Christianity in assembly.

We thankfully haven't had a death of a close family member so haven't covered heaven/afterlife yet. So far DS (he is nearly 6) has accepted that people/animals live a certain time and then they die, often when they are old and ill. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it I suppose...

It passes - my DDs were very religious when they were 5/6 years old. DD1 had a complete meltdown when I told her that I do not believe in God - we ended up having an interesting conversation about the freedom to believe, and not to believe. DH is not an atheist (but not a churchgoer, very against organised religion) so between us we could give DD both perspectives. So we could do 'mummy believes this, daddy believes that'.

We did also take the DDs to churchyards and churches, but our discussions of religion were very much wider than just Christianity. This was helped by the school, which although CofE were very ecumenical in their outlook and discussed all faiths as equally valid. Watching the news together and talking about the things people did in the name of faith (both good and bad I hasten to add) put things into context.

When the census came around last year, both DDs put 'no religion' in the box.
That may change, but whatever their beliefs they will arrive at them through critical thinking and evaluation. With you and your DH for parents, so will your DD.

What you can't do is indoctrinate your DD into being an atheist - that would be just as bad as indoctrinating her into a faith. So your DH needs to let this go and accept that his child is an individual with a right to her own beliefs - those of the moment and those of the future.

Both my parents are non believers in god. When I was around 6-7 school taught us lots of stories from the bible & I asked my parents for my own bible. They bought me a kids bible & let me read it without dismissing the stories - but told me they were stories that people had written.
I believed these stories to be true until I got to age 10 or so and started questioning them.
Now I'd class myself as atheist.
So just because she's showing interest now doesn't mean that when she's older she will hold these beliefs.

With my ds age 5 when he's come home from school telling me Jesus did this & that I say - they're stories that some people think are true & others think are fiction.
He scrunched up his nose & says they're silly cos people can't come back to life after they die can they?

I always say some people believe this.... Some people believe that...... We have visited a lot of religious buildings and ds was particularly enchanted with the mosque but he treats the stories as well stories in the same way be reads his comic iyswim. I think it important that he can make his own mind up so I just give him information.

My DS goes to a C of E school that is very strong on religion whereas I'm an atheist. I'd never really mentioned religion till he asked me if God etc was real. I just said that I didn't think so but everyone believes differently and he had to make his own mind up. It's not a big deal to me, he can make up his own mind when he's older.

Just let her experiment...

I'm an atheist, have been as long as I remember, but it didn't stop me loving RE at school and I also have a bit of a thing about churches and cathedrals. Stick with the 'some people believe, some people don't' and it's great that you're allowing her to take an interest and explore it for herself.

DS (8) was very interested in the concept of us not believing in something that other people did, I think he thought it was cool. I made a point of explaining the importance of valuing and respecting other people's beliefs even if you don't share them.

We've always said to both of our children that we don't believe but that its important to learn about different faiths and understand them, and in time you make your own decision about your beliefs. I said to DS he didn't need to make a decision about it now, he could wait until he was an adult and that he could change his mind. He seemed almost relieved about this.

I agree that you should let her experiment. I went through a 'religious' phase at about the age of 7. My parents let me go to church with the neighbours. I remember trying really hard to believe in God and saying my prayers every night. The church going stopped after a month or two and my parents bought me a book on world religion which I studied. By the age of 9 I was very comfortable that I didn't believe in God but didn't feel confident enough to categorically say there isn't one. So I have been an agnostic since then!

As my parents aren't really believers I suppose it is inevitable I would be the same.

With DS I try to explain what different people believe but tell him that he is too young to fully decide and so as he gets older he an learn more and decide for himself. I very much want my kids to come to their own conclusions rather than just believe what I believe.

So after that long post (sorry) - I think what you did is fine and you should leave her to it!

Also be aware that a phase may not pass- and that ultimately that will be her decision, not yours.

I am the only member of my family who is a Christian and that started very young, certainly by primary school. Nobody ever preached to me or tried to convert me, it just felt right for me. My parents took it in their stride, which I am thankful for.

Ime there is nothing inevitable about anything to do with our children. But learning tolerance from your parents- even if it is a case of their having to be tolerant about alien beliefs in their own child- is a valuable life lesson. I may not have taken after my parents' beliefs but I did learn about respect from them.

I would just treat it as education and continue saying "Some people believe x, y and z..." as you would do were you a Christian and your DD wanted to know more about Islam, for example. Ultimately she will make up her own mind and you will have to respect that. DH and I are agnostic. DS is only 18 mo but when he reaches an age when he's more interested and asking lots of questions we plan to say that there's no proof God either exists or doesn't exist. Fwiw, i went to a CoE junior school where all this was par for the course. I still believe that many of the 'stories' told in the Bible are worth sharing with our DCs because they promote the virtues of treating each other well and looking after others - e.g. the good samaritan, the feeding of the five thousand etc. I draw the line at walking on water however (my mum used to explain this as 'the dead sea - lots more salt than in other seas which means you float better and might be perceived as walking on water'). I would never discourage DS from learning about any religion or belief because it's a crucual part of accepting and living alongside others.

DSD went through a godly age which lasted a few months. She was just curious and at one stage was asking about confirmation etc. She's over it now (she's 14) and rarely talks about religion at all. In fact i sometimes wish she did - she lives in a predominantly white, middle class, Christian village where to see an Asian face, let alone a mosque, is pretty extraordinary.

Beliefs are important, regardless of whether or not you share them.

Oh and places of worship are amazing buildings, if for no other reason than aesthetics and history.

When DS asks me questions about God or religion I tell him to ask Rev Keith who is the vicar at the church that the school is attached to. I don't actually know the "right" answer to many of these questions and I would actually love him to find religion and believe if he could as I know lots of people who get a huge amount of comfort from it. As he has Asperger's Syndrome and everything is so black and white for him, I doubt it though.

My DS is really keen to go into a church, he loves the buildings. So do I and I am agnostic. We go along the lines of its a story that people believe in, and everyone can believe in different things. And we respect other people beliefs, even if we, as a family/person do not share them. We try to teach our kids tolerance....and that we will support them in whatever they choose to believe.

Although DS came to the conclusion over Easter that Jesus was a zombie because he came back from the dead. He is five. Zombies are way more fun to him.

"DH will do his nut!"

That's the part to avoid. I think religion has a special appeal to children with its fantastical stories, lovely buildings, emotional songs etc. The idea that you can put your hands together, close your eyes and some magical being will make things happen isn't too far from the 'three wishes' in traditional tales or the Santa story. As everyone says, talk about 'what some people believe' but also acknowlege that it is an attractive and reassuring proposition. Under no circumstances 'go nuts', ban praying or make a big deal out of it... you'll only make it more appealing.

When she's older you can place the stories in a wider context too - there's a really good book called The Hero With A Thousand Faces which is all about the persistent hero myths that literally every single human culture since the dawn of time has told. It's quite instructive to see Jesus within this pantheon of hero stories that humans have been using as instruction and life-advice for millenia.

I believe Alain de Botton has recently published a book called Religion for Atheists too, which is about appreciating the amazing music, architecture, art and literature that have been inspired by religious beliefs without feeling uncomfortable with the faith bit.

How old is your DD?

I think your approach should be determined by her age.

He didn't quite do his nut in the end...! just rolled his eyes and said, 'what did you take her in there for'.

I totally take the point about tolerance and letting her find her own way. Think the suggestion of taking her round a few different types of religious building is a good one. i guess DH is a bit more Dawkins-esque than me in his attitudes, but I agree, there is a special attraction for kids (she's 5 btw) with the stories and characters and pretty buildings. I love visiting religious buildings too although more for the historical/architectural interest

The main thing is ensuring DH doesn't undermine her interest or make her feel silly for it. will work on him

Bear in mind that even Dawkins is a fan of the Bible simply for its massive influence on Western thought and literature. I think regardless of belief children should be brought up with a familiarity with the Bible, its language and stories.