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OK, so I've finally made the decision, handed in my notice and I'm going to be a SAHM for a couple of years - eek! Tell me the best and the worst I have to look forward to.

155 replies

IHeartKingThistle · 30/03/2012 18:01

I teach secondary at the moment. DCs 5 and 2. Finances should be OK but I might do a bit of tutoring. I'm feeling good about it.

But what is it actually going to be like? Can you tell me best things and worst things please? I feel like I need to prepare myself!

TIA Smile

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
lottielou39 · 02/04/2012 18:40

it's definitely a very positive thing to be a sahm when the kids are older.
Children need you more, not less, as they get older. Its easy to leave a baby in nursery, but what do you do when they're twelve and too old for holiday clubs, but you don't really want to leave them bored and home alone for several hours a day, several days a week in the school holidays? That was one of the most important factors in me deciding to be a sahm after working, i.e., what to do with the older ones in the school holidays? I always smile when I hear parents of babies and toddlers say that they'll return to work when the children start school, because unless they're working term time only, the holidays are harder to arrange with older children. And older children always prefer to do what they want (sleep in etc.) during the holidays and not be on the schedule of some holiday club or other, which are almost always designed with younger kids in mind.

babylann · 02/04/2012 19:50

DP wants me to study to go into teaching so that DD's holidays are my holidays and we never have to worry about this. Luckily I'd already been strongly considering teaching since work experience week in high school (did a fortnight at a primary school) as I don't think it's a job anyone should go into half-heartedly. I'd happily be a SAHM for the rest of time, I don't feel any great urge to go and forge a career for myself. I just don't know whether DP would be so supportive of me being a SAHM when there aren't even children home in the day for 40 weeks of the year.

cheeseandpineapple · 02/04/2012 20:57

I loved being at home with my kids when they were little, my maternity leaves ran into each other and I took 4 years off and it was just magic to be with my little ones as they were growing up. I went back to work 4 days a week when youngest was 2 but didn't really enjoy my job so I was happy to quit when we moved countries and be at home with kids again. I fell back into work accidentally, job offer too good to turn down but flexible working conditions so I can work around kids schedule.

Today is first day of school holidays, i've been at home all day with my two and some of their friends and at 6pm I found myself thinking, I miss work!

I'm fortunate to have some balance and a job that I enjoy, am there for all the important things at school and to help with homework but I have some other focus too. I did find that I had got rusty when I went back to work and needed to build my pace again. Now I find the busier I am the more I achieve. The less concrete or focused my day, the less I do, my brain is definitely sharper for being back at work and I can't help but notice that the most dissatisfied parents at my children's school haven't worked for a long time and have a greater preoccupation with how sharp the pencils are.

Obviously not true of everyone but there are some who had successful careers, have taken 10 years plus off work, their kids are all in full time education and now they seem to lack anything of their own to focus on. It's difficult for them to get back to work or they fear what it will be like because they've lost their professional confidence.

So, in long and garbled essence, I'd say every mum should have a chance to be with her children full time for a reasonable period of time but if she enjoyed working or the financial freedom that second income provided, she should try and get back into it at some stage or find a project outside the home to get into, not related to her children's school ie completely independent from the family to keep brain/skills ticking over.

My impression from most of the posts here is that kids are still quite young and time people have taken off hasn't been that long. I hadn't realised that my skills were getting jaded until I had to use them again and I felt like I was reviving someone I had forgotten I used to be. I also enjoy the interaction with different people which doesn't relate to children, in particular I've found I like working with men again, for years I was just hanging out with other mums or socialising in couples, which i loved doing but I like mixing with men and women. I honestly truly believe I am much better at my job for being a mum, it provides a different perspective which is really hard to explain to someone who doesn't have children without sounding patronising.

My mum worked when I was growing up as did her mum so I'm also keen for my daughter in particular to see that women can try to have it all, work and be with family. I think anything's possible and I want her to feel the same.

Agree that as children get older they need more help in other ways, but given they're at school a big chunk of the day, personally I'd rather work while they're at school, have cleaner sort out house as I am lazy shit about housework and hate doing it under any circumstances (ie even if childless and unemployed) and be there for kids when they're home from school.

Easier said than done but OP in your situation would say enjoy this time at home, embrace everything about it and at some stage, not straight away but after you've had some pure unadulterated stay at home time, keep your hand in with some tutoring, would have thought you will be striking almost the perfect balance but you deserve a guilt free period totally focused on you, your kids/family, it's a precious time and I feel very fortunate I had my time even if it's not what I want for myself now.

Gosh this was much longer post than I intended, obviously not using succinct and concise communication skills!

Final of America's Next Top Model, All Stars coming up must sign off!

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jellybeans · 02/04/2012 21:19

I have been a SAHM for over ten years and love it! I was a f/t working mum with DD1 so have done both.

Lows would be the assumption by others (inc government) that you should be at work or that you are lazy. Also not having time for yourself sometimes and the house being a mess! The risk also to your career and pension needs considering.

The highs are massive though. Always being around for your kids makes you very close to them and you never miss out on firsts etc. Always being there when they do a school play/trip or are ill. No worries on snow days or strikes. Long lazy days in school holidays and being able to enjoy sunny weather with them wherever you want. The chance to do something for you;I am doing an OU degree, time for coffee with friends, seeing family, be part of a community (we know many of the neighbours and local people from seeing them often and chatting), never being rushed in the morning (well it still is but not like going to nursery/work at 7am!) and personally I don't think my time could be spent better for any business etc than with DC!

QueenCadbury · 02/04/2012 21:56

I haven't had a chance to read all the posts but I've just decided I'm not going back to work when my mat leave finishes with dc3. With dc1 and 2 I could never imagine not working but since being on mat leave i can honestly say I've loved it. I love doing the school run and dc1 loves me being there at the end of the school day. I've realised just how tired she was going to after school club and what a huge impact me being at home has had on her reading. Dc2 starts in September and I'm so looking forward to being around for him too. The loss of financial independence is a wierd one and people I've spoken to deal with it in different ways. Dh and I have agreed that he will give me 'pocket money' that I can spend on what I like, no questions asked as my biggest worry was him not understanding that I really do need that new top/skirt/pair of shoes.
The whole family is now much more chilled out. I feel guilty that dh often works extra to compensate financially but overall for the family it is better this way. If I didn't hate pregnancy so much I'd definately have a 4th!
The downside is that I've learnt to bake..so bad for the waistline!
Enjoy it. If you hate it you can always go back or just do some supply work.

seaweed74 · 02/04/2012 22:59

On Friday (at a family do) I was asked by new acquaintance what I do. He knew I had dd1 (age 3) and dd2 (4 months) as they were there! I was shocked by his expression as I said my maternity leave ends in May but I won't be going back to work for few years at least. I felt I had to justify my decision! Really glad to read this thread, confirming what I really already knew: there is nothing wrong or shameful about fulfilling my dream of bringing my kids up myself in our own home. I am lucky to have been able to make that choice. Thanks DP x

IHeartKingThistle · 02/04/2012 23:10

It's one of the things I can't get my head round - how am I going to answer the question 'What do you do?'. I think I'll just see what comes out of my mouth!

OP posts:
SocietyClowns · 02/04/2012 23:19

Well, the stay at home dads at my dd's school gate seem to insist they are doing consultancy or freelance work... Wink Oddly, none of them likes to admit that they are indeed a SAHP.
After nearly three years I no longer care what someone thinks of me. I work full time (and then some) to keep my dds alive, especially the younger one who seems to have a death wish.

Dawnybabe · 02/04/2012 23:44

I love being a SAHM because I can't imagine going back to work and being at someone else's beck and call again. I live the life of Riley really and now I've got one in school it's a lot easier. Mind you the littlest is now a demon in child's clothing and work might be easier.

I do feel slightly guilty though that we don't seem to do much together in the way of craft stuff or playing games etc. I like being at home with her but I'm not much good at the entertainment. Some days we go for nice walks and things but some days she's absolutely awful and I can't wait to send her back to preschool. Sad

Pitmountainpony · 03/04/2012 02:05

I feel sorry for people who do not have the imagination to realize that being a s a h m is one of the best job.i guess they just get all their sense of identity and validation from their jobs....I kind of feel sorry for them to be honest...it must be so dull that your job defines you....being in bondage and having how you use your time dictated by another....I am impressed by very few jobs. I am inspired by great parents and children who are realising their potential,however that happens always.Unimaginative people produce that unimaginative response when they cannot fathom how you can stay home and be fulfilled.they cannot help it as they just maybe need the structure of work to function. Let them work.i will stay home in my mainly domestic bliss.

RachelHRD · 03/04/2012 08:51

IHeartKingThistle I usually tell people I'm an upaid slave Wink

bugster · 03/04/2012 09:14

Well said pitmountainpony, I also find it depressing the way some people define others by their jobs. I wouldn't even worry about the question 'what do you do', you are a mother, there's no better or more important job in the world!

Emmielu · 03/04/2012 09:15

What HoneyDragon said!

Wiggy29 · 03/04/2012 09:19

Ah, I'm filled with envy reading these posts. We're ttc at the moment and if we're lucky enough to have another there is no way on earth I'm going back to teaching full time! I've had to work financially but justified it being less bad with teacher holidays but I miss not being able to pick ds up from school/ have his friends over to dinner etc. I hope dc no 2 comes along soon!

Pitmountainpony · 03/04/2012 10:08

Wiggy...good luck..you have every bit of empathy from me. No o e knows how much the job takes out of conscientious teachers. I had great students but I do not miss it...will return one day but gosh this s a h m gig is flipping heaven after the slog that teaching us today....you never stop...it is always on your mind.....a survey into whether teachers ae happier than Average as s a h m would be interesting....because motherhood is a holiday compared to full time teaching. I hope your baby comes into being soon wiggy!!

choceyes · 03/04/2012 10:14

I am in awe of SAHM, really I am. I couldn't do it myself. I work 3 days a week and I love the balance of it. I'd go mental if I was home with them 7 days a week. I was veering towards depression towards the end of maternity leave after DC2. Work was my saviour! I couldn't work full time, cos I'll miss them, but balance that I have right now is just perfect!

curiousgeorgie · 03/04/2012 13:18

My DD is almost 18 months... I went back to work (part time) when she was 12 months old and hated every second away from her. I've just handed in my notice and can't wait to just be a full time sahm. Mostly because I feel like now, I won't miss anything.

oh, and what societyclowns said about never having that friday night feeling - I get it everytime because it means DH will be with us the whole weekend and I get a massive break

curiousgeorgie · 03/04/2012 13:21

Oh.. and when people at work have said to me 'You're leaving? What are you going to do..?"

I've unashamedly said (with a big fat grin on my face)... Nothing.

(except the childcare, shopping, washing, ironing, cleaning etc... but it doesn't sound quite as blissfull if you say that!)

Kione · 03/04/2012 14:25

Agree with curiousgeorgie, I totally get the friday night feeling, on fridays funnily enough for the same reason as you and we'll open a bottle of wine and relax together. Then at the weekend I get one day lie in, if I go out the night before DP will get DD up and take her to hi mum!!! I know! Its absolute bliss. And then is great to see them comeing back as I miss her Shock

icravecheese · 03/04/2012 19:08

What a brilliant thread - there needs to be more done & said about SAHMs, a totally crucial & important 'job' with no pay, little recognition & virtually no 'prestige' at all!

I would highly recommend keeping your 'toe in the water' so to speak - I'm a qualified accountant, & have taken on the role of voluntary treasurer to a local branch of a national charity. Nothing massive, but keeps my brain active, keeps my qualification going & looks good on CV during a break from work to look after my 3 little ones.

Also, the post about keeping radio 4 on all day in the background is brilliant - I switch the radio on as soon as I get up, either radio 4 or 5 Live, just to keep up to date with news etc. It stays on all day in the kitchen, & when the kids are driving me bonkers, I hide out in the kitchen with a cuppa & the radio!

I also agree that you do get that friday night feeling - knowing that you can have help from hubby over the weekend & all lie in bed together saturday morning without having to dash about getting everyone ready for the school run. Good luck, you should embrace & love being a SAHM!

TerrierMalpropre · 03/04/2012 19:18

This is a nice thread Smile. This subject so often turns into a bunfight. It's nice to celebrate something without having to debate for a change (not that I don't appreciate and enjoy the debates too...).

IHeartKingThistle · 03/04/2012 19:39

No! Don't jinx it! Grin

OP posts:
PullUpAPew · 03/04/2012 21:57

Hahaha, agree with don't jinx it!

As I posted upthread - one of worst bits is the way others view SAHMs - last night a friend (may reclassify as frenemy) said I should get a job 'so you can use different bits of your brain'. I think she actually meant 'so you can use your brain' Grin .

IHeartKingThistle · 03/04/2012 22:07

Oh PullupaPew FGS! I reckon we need to compile The SAHM's Cast-Iron Devastating Retorts List. If I have enough (possibly in a notebook in my pocket) by July I should be ready with a witty and cutting comeback for any dig thrown at me Grin

Everyone so far has been lovely though!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 13:30

I think the only response to working people who say "Don't you want to use your brain?" is "Well you work, and you clearly don't use yours."

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