OK, so I've finally made the decision, handed in my notice and I'm going to be a SAHM for a couple of years - eek! Tell me the best and the worst I have to look forward to.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I teach secondary at the moment. DCs 5 and 2. Finances should be OK but I might do a bit of tutoring. I'm feeling good about it.

But what is it actually going to be like? Can you tell me best things and worst things please? I feel like I need to prepare myself!

TIA

"I was a bit naughty and became a SAHM as the third one went to nursery"

It has always seemed to me that as children get older and have their own independent lives the inflexibility of having both parents working FT must become more troublesome.

The emphasis always seems to be on being at home for the early years, but I sometimes wonder if that is the right approach.

You just do what's right for your family, invariably the children turn into confident, loving young people whatever you have to do: Go to work or stay at home - we all just do our best with lots of love.

Good points about being a SAHM
You can drink wine at lunchtime
Your health may be better (despite the ) - I have severe asthma, and stress plus bugs from nursery/school had me down with pneumonia several times before I became a sahm
You can make the most of the nice weather
I personally am busier than I was at work (depends on job of course but I seemed to spend a lot of time clock watching and twiddling my thumbs)
My dd1 is in reception and has never needed me more. I enjoy dropping her off (no rush because I am not rushing anywhere) and collecting her
You are there immediately if a child needs collecting from school because they don't feel very well
You don't need to find childcare to cover holidays (maybe not so much an issue if you are a teacher)

Bad points about being a SAHM:
You are never 'off duty'
You can't call in sick!!!
You don't get a Friday night feeling because weekends are no different to you!
Your dh may think you spend your days doing nothing much

I've loved being a sahm but it's bloody impossible to get back into work again, it's like potential employers don't look further than the gap on my cv. That is the con I wish I'd considered before having children.

As a SAHM for too many years I would strongly advise to keep up efforts with your own friendships. It will be an instant and some of them will drift, they are very hard to get back. Keep time for yourself and a hobby/sports or something that relaxes you.

And it's sadly true about getting back in. Perhaps private tuition for a few hours a week?

interesting read, think I've decided to not work for a few years

Being a SAHM has had its ups and downs for me, but in terms of quality of life for the whole family it has been fab. I feel very privileged to have this choice.

The best:

More relaxed pace of life.
No sense of missed opportunities in terms of family relationships or that time is running away with me and they're growing up too fast.
Time to talk when the kids need to chat - in my experience they open up at completely random moments and either you're available or the moment's gone.
Slightly less chaotic home life.
No childcare stress around sick children, school holidays etc. No childcare expense.
More time for people outside the family and to help out friends, get involved in the community etc.
More time and energy to study.
No guilt. For my little kids (2 and 4) I have more time, energy, am more fun and less stressed out. I'm 100 percent confident that me being at home is the best thing for them ATM.
My dh is less stressed as I now do more of the housework and admin. We have more time as a family. Not very feminist, but true for us.

The worst:

People think you're thick and society doesn't value you.
Some working mothers will take your decision to become a SAHM as personal criticism of their choices. People make assumptions about your opinion of working mothers.
Finance, pensions, career suicide etc. Sigh. We'll probably never own a house. I'll have to retrain before going back to work.
It's easy to deskill the family and turn yourself into a dogsbody by doing tasks that they really should be doing for themselves.
No respite from the kids, even if you need it.
My older dd doesn't have a working mother role model.

"Time to talk when the kids need to chat - in my experience they open up at completely random moments and either you're available or the moment's gone."

Interesting insight, that makes sense to me from my experience too (WOHM).

I've never heard that cited as a benefit of having a parent at home, but I think it's pretty compelling. :)

I have been a sahm for nearly 8 years! DSs are now 9 and 6.

Clearly mine are both in school so I get a lot of comments on why I don't work Dh earns enough to support us; because I am a sahm and enable his flexibility in his work.

Pros, instead of stuck in an office you are playing with sand/playdoh/gardening/at the park etc

People complain about their work day, you think, hey I made lego cars today

Life moves at a slower pace

You are there to pick your child up from school not having battled your way out of work and through traffic

No stress of juggling childcare

My health has improved considerably now I don't have the stress of working and childcare

Cons your children do not appreciate it and ask why they can't go to after school club

Your children assume they too will have a "wife" who will cook/clean/shop

You can be taken advantage of by other parents who work (never happened to me, but my friend is a constant on call babysitter/child collector for so called friends)

People treat you with contempt, like your decision is a slur on the choices of working parents, not so, each to their own, and I didn't plan to be a sahm, I worked part-time.

It can be lonely, but being alone is not always lonely. I learnt to enjoy being alone.

Good luck. It was the best thing I ever did.

I have had the privilege of being a SAHM since I had the children, I am one of the most fortunate people in the world - I have had the privilege of watching my children grow up - I have a disabled DD but that has never stopped me enjoying motherhood. My husband and I are of the old school - I worked until my first DD was born and someone did ask "When are you going back to work?" DD was about three weeks old at the time - we didn't then know about the disability - the reply from my DH was 'My wife has just begun the most important job in the world - looking after our child - there is nothing more important than this'. My husband then looked at this person as though they had just grown two heads - astonished that they had even asked the question! I would say to all of you out there as a SAHM you are not undervalued - you are the most important building block of life your child will ever have - they are a gift - enjoy them. My darlings are now all grown up - still at home though but I hope happy and reasonably contented adults!! And we don't want to kill each other!!

Worst: all the frigging childcare, being knackered
Best: watching True Blood boxset when naps are on. Enjoying the wonder of my children. (Sorry, bit pissed)

I have spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals with my disabled DD. Most of the mums I talk to in there have children with long term problems, we are all carers but if you ask most of us then the only thing that we want to be in life is a mother, first foremost and last. All children are special but those children who are what I like to call 'extra special' seem to be placed in this world with women who want nothing more than to be 'a mother' - in my book there is NO other job that even comes close to this one. To those of you who choose total motherhood over paid employment I say good luck, enjoy your tea breaks when you want, go full on with the finger paint and lego bricks and go for it - it is magical and you don't get it back - once they are grown that's it folks!!......unless you're fortunate enough to have grandchildren!!.......

Pros

-DC are like sponges- they just soak up everything I tell them, they are so interested in the world and ask so many questions and its me answering them and shaping their world view. I ahve the time to sit and talk to them.
-No rushing around (except for school run now)
-Freedom to spend the day as you want, to be flexible in how you spend your time
-I'm there for the DC every day, it was important for DH and I that the kids had one person there with them all the time.
-I'm less distracted by other things and can concentrate on the children. Likewise I can also take time for myself when I need it now the children play independently for an hour or two.
-I can attend everything at DD's school albeit with DS in tow
-I can study and retrain at my leisure.
-Its forcing me to learn new skills and confront my fears to set a good example to the DCs and to not pass on bad habits.
-You can get the kids involved in the housework from a very early age so your housework load is lightened. DS (2) loads the washing machine every day, goes to the shops to choose food, helps me cook it for example. He sits next to me whilst I wash up and gets a bowl of his own to splash in. He hands me pegs or hangs out socks on the airer. We make all of these things a game and he begs to help.
-You cna set a system of behaviour management without having to compromise with any other childcare settings.

Cons

-It isn't valued as a job
-People can be derogatory or mean
-If you are sick or injured you just have to get on with it
-Hard to get back to work
-You aren't earning any money
-People take advantage of the fact you are at home.

*DS goes to the shops WITH ME to choose food -HA!

I was a SAHM for a number of years and I echo the pros mentioned on this thread.

The cons however:

• marriages can (and do) go sour
• more often than not, the woman feels trapped in an unhappy marriage/relationship due to having no income of her own
• even if women get the strength to leave, they may find themselves effectively single parents with no money or savings to speak of

- then trying to find a job that gives enough flexibility to be there for DC at more than a minimum living wage can feel nigh on impossible - you may still find yourself playing catch-up in the workplace years later

As you may have guessed, I had all that happen to me. For that reason alone, I would advise you to think very very carefully before surrendering your financial independence to someone else.

Other than that, enjoy the time with your DC. It's a wonderful feeling being there for them in a way that working full-time doesn't often allow for.

My head is spinning after reading these responses - thank you all so much for taking the time to write such fantastic posts. I'm going to read them all again when the dc are finally in bed!

There are a couple of cons that have made me go a bit cold inside, particularly the ones about being a role model, people thinking you're stupid and how it feels to be financially dependent. These are all things I've thought about before but those are the ones i'm most worried about. I'll finish in July - hope that's enough time to get my head together!

J4w that sounds absolutely horrendous and I bet t's not that uncommon. Lots to think about. I hope life is better for you these days.

So, so many positives. The only negative has been trying to get back into the workplace now DCs at school and I feel a bit redundant in the daytime. On balance though, I am still glad I gave up my very good salary to be a SAHM.

If you have left teaching to be a sahm as well as the above mentioned by Oceanmagic you will also have more time to support your own dc's education. It can be lonely at times I guess but as I was sahm from day one I never really felt lonely. I love the freedom to do what I want when I want to, although technically employed now I work from home but don't do much if I'm honest. Hope you enjoy your time with dc/dc's and plenty of adult conversation away from the dc's will keep you sane.

What a lovely thread. Of course there are pros and cons to every situation and if we all remembered this then perhaps there would be less friction on here between SAHMs and WOHMs.

I've been a SAHM for the past 6 years since DS1 was born and I've never been happier. Previously I worked in marketing and when the time came I realised I couldn't go back to what seemed then such a pointless occupation. Had I been a brain surgeon or Human Rights lawyer I may have felt differently. But it wasn't the original plan and I surprised myself by how much I wanted to be at home. DS2 is now just about to start nursery and things are tight financially so I'm planning on a career change which will allow me to work flexibly to still be available for the DSs. These years of freedom and spontaineity have spoiled me and I realise I'm too much of a free spirit to willingly go back to a "proper' job!

I've never encountered anyone who assumed I am stupid because I'm a SAHM but surely if you met someone that narrow-minded and prejudiced you wouldn't give a toss what they thought?

I also refute the role model argument. No one would argue that Stay at Home Dads are bad role models, would they? My family appreciates my practical contribution to our family as much as my husband's financial one and just because I am at home and do a larger share of domestic stuff does not make me a door mat or servant. I hope in addition to bringing my boys up with practical life skills (who teaches your children to do washing, cleaning, ironing etc if they are outsourced?) they will also realise there is more to life than money.

The only major con for me is the sometimes ground hog day-ness of it but then I think that is true of most occupations.

Now, I would love to know how some of you claim your houses are now tidier? The only way I can keep mine tidy is to go out for the day!

the best thing about it is not looking back in twenty years time and regretting it. I've had spells of stay at home mumming and spells of working and my sahm days are the best. You won't ever regret the time you spent with your children. It's utterly priceless.
It's wonderful being available for the children 24/7 without having to juggle work, childcare and housework.
The house is always tidier and better organised.
The kids love it, especially as they get older. I've been working for the past few years and have become a sahm again after having dd3 in December. My older girls love it because they hated holiday clubs. They want to spend school holidays at home, lying in, reading in their bedrooms. And now they can! They squealed with joy when I told them I was handing my notice in!
The downside is that it can become a little boring and lonely at times. But that applies to working outside of the home too!

Houseofmirth. I totally agree with you, especially about being a role model. My older lads openly discuss the fact that they appreciate the time I spent with them and didn't use childcare. I also couldn't go back to work and have been a sahm for 20 years. I still see myself in this role now even though my dh made me a director of his business and I work from home. My dd is at primary and I bring her up the same as I did with ds's and we have the best times walking back and to school and our time after school. I knew from the first few months that I would never work for an employer again. Also our marriage hasn't suffered at all neither has my self esteem. For me it was the best decision I ever made and we both look back with fond memories.

KingThistle thankyou for starting this thread! I am a SAHM, and sometimes I doubt my decision. The lovely responses on this thread, have given me the warm fuzzies, and made me feel confident in my decision.

I would have loved to have stayed at home with my children but after maternity leave had to go back to work. Granted it is only part time but some of you have wrote such lovely things that I'm very ! I suppose that like somebody said we do what we have to do and try and provide our children with plenty of love. All the best op, enjoy every moment :)

I've also never encountered anyone who has assumed that I am stupid because I am a SAHM, but then again, like thehouseofmirth I wouldn't give a toss what they thought anyway.

As for the role model thing, my mother was a great role model in my eyes, she did the same that I have done and had a career before she had children. I think it also depends on the areas you personally feel are the most important for you to be a good role model in.

Ups: I've not been bored for long and had the time to meet some lovely people. I've soaked up all of those lovely times when the DC's have been small and had no stresses about rushing around before/after school runs.

School holidays and not having to set an alarm, or when they are ill and you have been up or night.

I have had the chance to mellow since leaving my job, it was quite stressful and I was paid to be someone who 'managed performance' for a company with very little patience for under performers (their terminology not mine)...I was very good at my job but always felt a bit square peg round hole. It has been nice to get back to my creative side...

Downs: Just as well I have been busy working on other skills because DP is leaving...always have a plan B! I am probably going to become a WAHM instead so all will be well. If I hadn't been a SAHM first then I would never have had the balls to consider becoming a WAHM, so even with DP leaving I still have no regrets about becoming a SAHM.