DP wants dd to move out - so upset

[nightmarebeforebedtime]

Been living with DP for 4 years, we moved in together when dd was 9. Back then everything was fine, we all got on and I thought everything was fine. In the last couple of years (since hormones have kicked in) dd and dp haven't got on quite so well, but I've put that down to teenage angst and the fact that dd's been having sporadic contact with her biological father which has been a little bit of a rollercoaster but seems to be settling down into a good arrangement. Dp and dd row a bit, but then I do with her occasionally, and I thought everything was still good, especially as dp was keen (like me) to have a baby together.

Fast forward to now, I'm 4 months pregnant and last night dp was talking about how much he's looking forward to the baby coming and us being a family, but then he sprang the idea on me that dd should go and live with her biological dad because she 'keeps asking to' (she only does as a shock tactic in a row) and then 'they'd be a family and we can be a proper family' (meaning just the two of us and the baby). I was too shocked to even reply, it's not as if dd's dad and dd get on so wonderfully that I'd seriously consider it. Then dp got angry that I wouldn't even think about it and kept asking why I wouldn't because it 'made sense all round'. We ended up arguing about it half the night and this morning but he's gone off to work which kind of ended it (I don't work today).

Don't know what to do, the stuff he was saying really shocked me, he seemed so adamant it would be the best thing all round, I just feel devastated that he doesn't seem to see dd as part of our family and could just 'give her up' like that, I thought he thought we were a family already .

Under these circumstances, there would be only one person that I would suggest leaving to.

And it wouldn't be my daughter.

I agree with Fliss. How dare he make you choose between him and your daughter.

What Flisspaps said.

What a horrible thing to find out that he's resented your DD all this time. Obviously, you have to make it clear that you and DD come as a set, you are a 'proper family', and if he thinks he can split you up he's got a very inflated view of his own self-importance. If he's asking you to choose between him and DD tell him 'no contest' and pack his bag

Oh dear, this man has shown his true colours now you are carrying his child.
He doesn't love your DD and he will only make her feel like an outsider when the baby comes unless you address this now. Unfortunately it doesn't look good - I feel sorry for your DD that she has to put up with this idiot of a man. Glad she has you though.

You need to tell him DD is going no where ad either he change his attitude NOW or he can leave.

Are you seriously considering sending your daughter away?

How can you not know what to do?

She is having to adjust to new man in her life, a new baby on the way, don't you think that's difficult?

How awful. He is kicking out your daughter to make way for his child. How dare he.

No wonder he and her don't get on that well, if he sees her as an interloper in your lives.

If this was me, it would not be my daughter leaving. But him.

I'm not sure if he was meaning to make me choose between him and dd, he just seems to think it's all so neat and logical to have dd living with her dad and then they'd be happy (in his mind anyway) and we'd be bringing new dd/ds up. If he did want me to choose, he'd definitely lose, but he's got me questioning whether I'm right to have just assumed dd HAS to live with us, but that's what I want - am I being selfish though? Haven't even asked dd's dad if he'd want her with him, think he would though.

Is he made of stone? Is he mentally unwell? How can he just discard a human being, a teenage girl, that way?

This has made me so so angry.

He's the selfish one. Wants to play Daddy with the new baby and shove DD out of the picture. Maybe DD would like to live with you, maybe not. But it really isn't his place to try to force your hand.

Most parents are worried what their first born will think when there is a new baby. Most parents are keen to alleviate the first borns fear that they are not as loved. Most parents make sure that their first borns are exceptionally loved, and move heaven and earth to ensure the transition to being an older sibling is smooth.

You cannot seriously think now is a good time to just send her to her dad?

"Enough of you now, I have a shiny new little toy"

And browbeating a pregnant woman half the night and all morning about why she should do as he says and get shot of her own daughter..... what a prize shit.

That is disgusting.

I'm on the other side being a stepmum, and I admit that I did struggle in the early days with not being the only person in DH's life (I never showed them that). But I am totally shocked at him not thinking your DD is part of his 'proper' family. Wanker. He not only wants to tear his girlfriend and her daughter apart, but he also wants to take the baby's big sister away from him/her.

When we had our DCs I wanted to spend much more time with my DSCs, not less!

he's got me questioning whether I'm right to have just assumed dd HAS to live with us, but that's what I want - am I being selfish though?

No. He is being disgustingly selfish for even daring to ask you to think about palming your daughter off because it doesn't suit him.

Why on earth wouldn't you just automatically assume that your child would live with you?!

I'm not going to tell dd she should/has to go, certainly not unless she wants to, but I don't know what TO do. Don't feel it's 'bad' enough to ask dp to leave, especially with the baby due - hope dp will come round but scared about what happens if he doesn't.

I feel a bit sick for you, to be honest. How worrying that he would even suggest this, let alone argue half the night about it.

You are clearly in shock, but I urge you not even to consider this ridiculous idea.

Imagine how your DD would feel if you packed her off to live with her dad (who by the sounds of it she hardly knows) at the same time that the new baby arrives. Without wanting to be melodramatic, that is the sort of thing that would psychologically scar you for life.

Of course your DD has to live with you - you are her primary parent, her biological dad has hardly been in her life up until now. She is on the cusp of adulthood - she needs you.

I absolutely wouldn't mention it to your DD's dad.

I'd react like the others here and make it very clear that the only one leaving would be him.

I can't believe you would even consider sending your DD away! Do you know what message your sensing out??

Read quaintesstentials post again...

This man IS manipulating you, he does not want your DD at all - what a loa of bull him saying it will be better for her - you said yourself her and her father don't get on great!
Wake up woman

Have you EVER questioned whether it's "right" to have dd living with you before now?

Not a question I've ever asked myself....

You thought you were a family, he clearly feels that he's raising another man's child. What a complete fucking selfish git

I wouldn't even ask her if she wants to go.

In her shoes if I were asked that I would feel very much as if that was what you wanted now that you were having a new baby :(

Honestly, I wouldn't see this as a matter of DP coming round. In my view, he either gets this or he doesn't. OK, perhaps he suggested his stupid plan in a moment of madness or panic, but if he can't see why it is a terrible idea once you have explained it to him, you have a serious issue.

In your shoes, I wouldn't even broach the subject of DD going to live with her dad at this stage. Even if you say "would you like to..." or "have you thought about going to live with your dad" she is inevitably going to feel pushed away.

I know it's incredibly hard, especially when you are pregnant, but this is such a crucial time for your DD and your relationship with her. Please make sure she knows she is at the heart of your family (with or without DP).

To be honest, I think you have to prepare yourself for a possible future as a single parent of two. Your DP has made it very clear that he doesn't consider your DD to be really part of the family and that can only be deeply damaging. He's unlikely to 'come round' and in the mean time your DD will feel pushed out and undervalued. It's probably worth finding out if she already feels this way. If she does, it'll only get worse with the new baby there.

You can not stay with this man just because you are pregnant. That's terrible. You need to tell him DD is going no where.

Personally I don't know how you could want to stay with a man who clearly resents your DD

Don't you dare ask her! She will (rightly) feel like you're kicking her out so that you can be a 'proper' family which she isn't part of