DP wants dd to move out - so upset

[nightmarebeforebedtime]

Been living with DP for 4 years, we moved in together when dd was 9. Back then everything was fine, we all got on and I thought everything was fine. In the last couple of years (since hormones have kicked in) dd and dp haven't got on quite so well, but I've put that down to teenage angst and the fact that dd's been having sporadic contact with her biological father which has been a little bit of a rollercoaster but seems to be settling down into a good arrangement. Dp and dd row a bit, but then I do with her occasionally, and I thought everything was still good, especially as dp was keen (like me) to have a baby together.

Fast forward to now, I'm 4 months pregnant and last night dp was talking about how much he's looking forward to the baby coming and us being a family, but then he sprang the idea on me that dd should go and live with her biological dad because she 'keeps asking to' (she only does as a shock tactic in a row) and then 'they'd be a family and we can be a proper family' (meaning just the two of us and the baby). I was too shocked to even reply, it's not as if dd's dad and dd get on so wonderfully that I'd seriously consider it. Then dp got angry that I wouldn't even think about it and kept asking why I wouldn't because it 'made sense all round'. We ended up arguing about it half the night and this morning but he's gone off to work which kind of ended it (I don't work today).

Don't know what to do, the stuff he was saying really shocked me, he seemed so adamant it would be the best thing all round, I just feel devastated that he doesn't seem to see dd as part of our family and could just 'give her up' like that, I thought he thought we were a family already .

X-posts with loads of people. This from tantrums is spot on:

"Have you EVER questioned whether it's "right" to have dd living with you before now?

Not a question I've ever asked myself...."

Please think about how this man is making you feel, especially when you are pregnant.

"hope he comes round?"

What will you do if he doesn't?

Imagine being a young teenage girl and feeling you were being replaced with a new baby. That's exactly how it'll feel to your DD (and wouldn't be too far from the literal truth). Just imagine what long term psychological damage this would do.

If you sent your DD to live with her Dad, do you seriously expect her to ever talk to you again? The poor girl would see it as being replaced by the new, cuter, more compliant baby in your affections and I doubt you would ever regain any sort of relationship with her.

Your DP is a complete nob to even think it, let alone present it as an attractive option. How can be possibly not see that you and DD are already a "proper family"?

I'm not sure I could continue living with someone who clearly so resents my child. What on earth is he going to be like when your baby arrives? Your DD is going to be sidelined completely, isn't she?

I'm sure all teenage girls (and boys!) at some point have either told their parents they hate them or, if parents are split up, that they want to live with the other parent, doesn't mean they do or that they should. If she has such a sporadic relationship with her biological father, it's better she remains with you as you know her best?
I wouldn't even ask her if she wants to live with her dad, she probably says it in the heat of a row and might think that's what you want now you've got a new baby on the way.
I cannot even believe that your "D" P would suggest sending her away, what about her new sibling? He cannot just erase her from existance.

Don't feel it's 'bad' enough to ask dp to leave, especially with the baby due - hope dp will come round but scared about what happens if he doesn't.

If he doesnt come round your Dd will be made to feel more and more of an outsider in her own family and will be at risk from serious psychological problems because of this.

DD wasn't present for the argument and I'm not planning to ask her if she wants to move out so I'm really hoping she won't get any message that she's not wanted, because as far as I'm concerned she really is - but yes I have in the past sometimes questioned if I'm selfish seeing her so much when her dad sees her so little. Don't want to kick dp out over this, and definitely don't want to be on my own again, especially now - it scares the living daylights out of me. Dp's always acted as if we're a family before, does this have to be the end, is there no way we can work through it?

I agree with Flisspaps, there is no sensible way to approach this with your DD. He should be left in no doubt that you would not begin to entertain the idea.

I'm with Tantrums - I can understand your shock, but, really, you don't know what to do? You're now questioning if it's "right" to have dd living with you anyway? God help your poor dd if her own mother won't take her part in this shite situation

I am truly shocked that you are trying to rationalize it.

Hold on. Your dd has had very little relationship with her dad. She has been struggling to build up a relation with him again, which has been hard and upsetting for her.
Assuming that you have never stopped her from seeing her dad, my guess would be that her dad wasn't that keen on seeing her or was being a tw*.
In these circumstances, can you really wonder if this would be a suitable arrangement?

There is nothing neat and logical in his thinking. Or rather it is logical on his pov: I want my family, one with my wide and dcs, not with an annoying little git in the middle that makes my life so hard.
So probably very neat and logical to him but is for you or for your dd???

Read again QuintessentialShadows post. Anyone who cares about your dd would realize that proposing to her to move out of her house to go to her bio dad would know this is NOT the time to do anything like this.

I was in your daughter's position when I was younger, admittedly I was 17 and probably more of a PiTA. My mum let her partner have his way and I left home aged 18.
Now, a good 5 years on, my mum and I have a good relationship, but i'll neverquite be able to forgive her for choosing him over me and it's caused many ongoing problems between us all. We could have been a relatively happy blended family but now my mum is resigned to the fact that all the people she cares about most are completely fragmented.
Please don't even consider this man's outrageous requests, for both yours and your daughter's sakes. It's a decision that would have repercussions forever.

Why are you "selfish" for being her primary carer, when her dad is not that involved? Who ELSE would really love and parent her?

For me, the only way I could get over something like this is if DP completely acknowledged what a knob he was, and what a stupid and hurtful suggestion it was. If it was a matter of me having to persuade him, or win him round to the idea of you two + DD + new baby, he would be out on his ear. You cannot let him come between you and DD, however much being on your own scares you, damaging your relationship with your daughter is surely far far worse.

i am begging you to tell your DP to shut up or leave. I grew up with a single mum until she met my step-dad when I was ten. They too had a baby and prior to that we had all got on reasonably well. The years after my brother was born were entirely different. My SF didn't want me around anymore and basically hasn't spoken a word to me in 8 years (im now 21). I was pushed out and neglected to the extent that i spent all my time in my room and cried myself to sleep every night. I stopped developing, my weight dropped to 6.5 stone and I was violently sick every morning. My relationship with my mum was destroyed, I can never forgive her for ignoring my pain and putting my SF first. We now have no contact. Its damaged me hugely and I have a lot of issues as a result. Please please please don't let this happen to your family. You need to PROVE to your daughter that she comes first, that her SF is not going to get to push her out - that you won't allow that to happen. He either accepts her fully as his daughter or he leaves. Anything else will damage that little girl esp. at that age - when she is going through puberty and all the insecurities that go with it. I actually feel frantic reading your OP because I want to make you watch my teenage years so that you understand how much of an impact this would have on her. anyone who says im overreacting is being naive.

Excellent post, Maryz.

I would hav his bags packed waiting for him he gets in from work. I have a step family arrangement and can honestly say this idea would never have entered my DHs head never mind to vocalise it whilst I was pregnant. Get rid of the fickhead and if he wants to try and earn his family back over the next 6 months maybe give that some consideration but he needed to prove himself to you and your DD as well as the new baby.

I have in the past sometimes questioned if I'm selfish seeing her so much when her dad sees her so little
Again the answer to this question comes down to:
Have you ever stopped your dd from seeing her dad?
Has her dad really bothered to see her since you split up?
Would your dd actually want to see her dad more?

If the answer is NO then no you are not selfish. You just can't make people do things they don't want to do.

selfish? by some chance is it your DP feeding you that line? your description of sporadic contact doesn't give the impression of an involved father, keen to have 50/50 residence...

CovertTwinkle what a horrible horrible experience. I am so for you. OP, please take this on board: 'You need to PROVE to your daughter she comes first.'

You on the other hand are her mum and she deserves to be suported and protected by you.

You don't think that this is bad enough to ask him to leave?

So are you going to wait until dd hears him saying this, feels utterly devestated and goes to live with her dad?

Maybe that will solve your problem then?

It sounds like you're considering asking your dd's father whether he would consider her moving in. I would urge caution if you intend to do this, esp without DD's knowledge. Finding out from her father that you did that could be taken as rejection.

I feel really sad for You DD, I imagine she is already feeing pushed out by your DP given his obvious lack of attachment to her. You really need to watch out for this.

And it go to the point where at 15 I went to my mum again in floods of tears because my SF still wouldn't acknowledge my existence even if i talked TO him and she said to me "Twinkle I'm tired of being in the middle. What do you want me to do? Don't you want me to be happy? Don't you want your DB to be happy and to have a family? You are asking me to take away his Dad - are you going to tell him why? I don't want to be put in the middle anymore. You need to get over this" (quote from my diary). and so I thought it was my place to hide my pain at FIFTEEN because I didn't want to hurt my mum or brother. And as said above I have issues as a result. I am clingy and needy with my partner, I accepted abuse (sexual and emotional) from him because at least he loved me, I needed him, I couldn't be alone etc. Ive got huge self esteem issues to work through and have struggled to know what the correct boundaries are in relationships. You may think "he'll come round". My mum said that for 18 years, and by the end I hated her. I couldn't stand being in the same room as her. she chose a new family over me. Dont make that mistake.