DP wants dd to move out - so upset

[nightmarebeforebedtime]

Been living with DP for 4 years, we moved in together when dd was 9. Back then everything was fine, we all got on and I thought everything was fine. In the last couple of years (since hormones have kicked in) dd and dp haven't got on quite so well, but I've put that down to teenage angst and the fact that dd's been having sporadic contact with her biological father which has been a little bit of a rollercoaster but seems to be settling down into a good arrangement. Dp and dd row a bit, but then I do with her occasionally, and I thought everything was still good, especially as dp was keen (like me) to have a baby together.

Fast forward to now, I'm 4 months pregnant and last night dp was talking about how much he's looking forward to the baby coming and us being a family, but then he sprang the idea on me that dd should go and live with her biological dad because she 'keeps asking to' (she only does as a shock tactic in a row) and then 'they'd be a family and we can be a proper family' (meaning just the two of us and the baby). I was too shocked to even reply, it's not as if dd's dad and dd get on so wonderfully that I'd seriously consider it. Then dp got angry that I wouldn't even think about it and kept asking why I wouldn't because it 'made sense all round'. We ended up arguing about it half the night and this morning but he's gone off to work which kind of ended it (I don't work today).

Don't know what to do, the stuff he was saying really shocked me, he seemed so adamant it would be the best thing all round, I just feel devastated that he doesn't seem to see dd as part of our family and could just 'give her up' like that, I thought he thought we were a family already .

*8 years not 18

Oh Covert :( That's so very sad.

OP - I hope you're reading still. You're your DD's mum. You have to put her first no matter what. You are the one constant that's been there in her life. Don't let your fear of being on your own sacrifice her well being

Your story makes me feel physically sick CovertTwinkle - I'd be devastated if dd grew up feeling like that, I definitely want to avoid pushing dd out and I know really that her moving out wouldn't be the best thing, it's just sometimes I feel guilty about trying to keep everyone happy.

I'm absolutely NOT going to ask dd to move out, and no I've never stopped dd seeing her dad, but yes she does want to see him more. We were both 17 when dd was born and dd's dad literally ran from the responsibility for a good few years, but then slowly he's tried to take more and more part in dd's life, although he's still quite immature but he's trying. I don't think he could cope with her living with him, even if he thought he could.

I don't want dp around if he's going to treat dd badly, I know that, but I don't know if he is or if this is a one off. Need to talk to him tonight but am worrying so much about how it will go.

The only mitigation for your DP is if he is Autistic, in which case he might see things logically and miss out on the human emotion involved.
But otherwise I would have his bag packed myself.

they'd be a family and we can be a proper family

I would tell him to fuck off - Its not like your DD has just arrived in your lives, she has been there for the last 4 years.

"definitely don't want to be on my own again, especially now - it scares the living daylights out of me. "

This is the problem. Fear. You feel vulnerable because you're pregnant & you don't want to give up on what's been a good relationship because being on your own in the past has been a bad experience. That's quite understandable. However, your first responsibility is to your DD. She is the truly vulnerable party in all this because, even though she is a feisty 13yo, she is a child. If you can make up with DP now you will have decided you are happy living with a man that once argued with you overnight trying to make you kick out your own daughter. Your DD will be living with a man that doesn't like her.

Be careful about what he says - if there's an undercurrent of resentment towards your DD which it sound like there is thats not going to go away. My SF made gestures - having my surname changed to match his etc but nothing changed. She will already be feeling a bit like this though - even in families where the parents have been married for ten years and they are on child number 2 the first child can feel like they are being replaced etc. You really need to make the position clear NOW to both of them that she is your DD, that you and her have a bond and that NOTHING can EVER come between that. Make that very very clear and DP will get the message that you're not going to change your mind and that he needs to either get over this or he needs to leave. let that mother instinct that lions get come roaring out and prove to them both that you will protect your child no matter the cost to you.

Well I think the answer is quite straight tbh. You have to tell your DP that your dd IS staying. That you can NOT send her away like this.
And he will have to get on with it, accept it and treat your dd with respect (because that's what decent people do don't they?)

Perhaps ask him how he would feel if you were prepared to send the dcs you will have together away in the same way that you would be sending your dd away?

Dp isn't autistic, as far as I know, and I don't want to do anything to hurt dd. She'll be hurt anyway though, as far as I can see - she sees dp as a second dad and it'll be another one she barely sees - shit this is such a mess.

OP, stop rationalising his behaviour. I am shocked that you have even considered letting your DD go. She is a teenager, of course she is difficult, and she also has a lot on her plate, what with her dad and the new baby. If you tell her to go live with her dad, you will mess her up, poor girl.

Do you really think your DP will come to his senses when the baby is here and you are both sleep deprived and on the edge? I am really sorry you are in this situation but I'm afraid I can't see it getting any better. Your fear of being alone should in no way override your responsibility for your daughter.

I am shocked beyond words. I am hoping that it is because you are (a) pregnant and (b) sleep-deprived that you are even considering he might have a point, because otherwise I would be wondering if there was some kind of abusive brainwashing going on.

The only possible response to him is this: "You are out of your tiny mind if you think I will ever see my dd leave this family. If you ever bring this up again it had better be because you have unresolved issues and you would like my support in talking them through with a trained counsellor, in order for you to become a better father to both our children. Otherwise, I don't want to hear it. And if I see it, be in no doubt as to who I will choose and what the outcome will be."

And for what its worth you can do it - I had to flee into a refuge over christmas to protect my child. I didn't thinl I could do it, I was scared, I dont have family (you can see why!!), I didn't have anyone to turn to and I had an 8month old baby who I wasn't sure I could look after on my own. i did it though. i had to, to protect her from hurt. You can do whatever you need to. Women, mothers are strong. We protect our children from pain. Its instinct. You are stronger than you think you are and whether you have to have a show down with DP or a break up or a frank discussion you will cope and you will make your position clear because you love your daughter. thats all you need to know.

No doubt about it as soon as those words left his mouth i'd be up and packing his bags. I wasnt sent to live with my dad when i was small but my brothers father mistreated me because i wasnt his i wasnt allowed crisps or chocolate or anything nice and one day he kicked me into the electric metre cupboard and cut my head open. And broke my mums nose with a baby bottle when she defended me. Needless to say he was out on his ear right there and then and his clothes thrown out of the upstairs window so we didnt need to open the door again

peppa - I did but he said I was being ridiculous because we'd be his/her parents, so who would we send them to? His 'argument' was dd has another parent she could happily live with, and if we split up why should it be any worse our child living with him or me

This could be the start of the behaviour. If your DD stays with you is he going to start pushing her out of the family unit and damaging her even more.

Your DD should be your number 1 priority.

You're all right, I know you are, I just want it all to go away - I really thought everything was good, dp's behaved as if we're a family up until now - his parents even call dd their grandchild, feels like it's all collapsing now.

You say he is like a second dad to your dd.

To be honest, I would end it now, then.

I can just imagine you back here in a year, agonizing about your dps behaviour towards your daughter when the baby is born, and how she is hurting to see how he loves the baby and not her.

It is a shock for you. The man you love has suddenly shown you his true colours.

Cross posted with you OP. No need to try and make everyone happy. Your daughter might be hurt anyway, but she can get over anything if she has a strong bond with you and you support her.

Your poor, poor dd.

Your "d" p sounds like a horrible, selfish man.

he doesn't see your dd as part of 'his' family. He sounds quite controlling actually.

Your dp must be really quite stupid.

I am sorry, but if he does not see that a girl who has been living with her mum for 13 years, has had a person in her life that she calls dad for 4 years, is asked to go live with a person she has limited contact with, is different from you and him splitting up and the baby staying with one of you, then I think you are up against the proverbial brick wall.