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Parenting

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Original poster

DP wants dd to move out - so upset

157 replies

nightmarebeforebedtime · 23/03/2012 11:39

Been living with DP for 4 years, we moved in together when dd was 9. Back then everything was fine, we all got on and I thought everything was fine. In the last couple of years (since hormones have kicked in) dd and dp haven't got on quite so well, but I've put that down to teenage angst and the fact that dd's been having sporadic contact with her biological father which has been a little bit of a rollercoaster but seems to be settling down into a good arrangement. Dp and dd row a bit, but then I do with her occasionally, and I thought everything was still good, especially as dp was keen (like me) to have a baby together.

Fast forward to now, I'm 4 months pregnant and last night dp was talking about how much he's looking forward to the baby coming and us being a family, but then he sprang the idea on me that dd should go and live with her biological dad because she 'keeps asking to' (she only does as a shock tactic in a row) and then 'they'd be a family and we can be a proper family' (meaning just the two of us and the baby). I was too shocked to even reply, it's not as if dd's dad and dd get on so wonderfully that I'd seriously consider it. Then dp got angry that I wouldn't even think about it and kept asking why I wouldn't because it 'made sense all round'. We ended up arguing about it half the night and this morning but he's gone off to work which kind of ended it (I don't work today).

Don't know what to do, the stuff he was saying really shocked me, he seemed so adamant it would be the best thing all round, I just feel devastated that he doesn't seem to see dd as part of our family and could just 'give her up' like that, I thought he thought we were a family already .

OP posts:

Mama1980 · 23/03/2012 16:32

Good heavens I'm pretty new to this site and so shocked by this! How dare he?! please i urge you don't even think of broaching this with either your dd or her bio dad. How many of us even think about this there is no question -she is your daughter of course she stays, you love her you want her....if you feel bad about how little her bio dad gets to see her then maybe try to arrange more visits. I have a 14 year old dd and 4 year ds my partner and I are considering trying for another baby but i swear if he ever even hinted that my dd should move out or was not a full member of our family he would never set foot in the house again. Sorry if I'm just repeating what everyone has said by the way I didn't have time to read all the threads.

suburbophobe · 23/03/2012 20:21

This makes me sad... and mad!

I am an LP with a son. NO WAY could anyone tell me that he is no longer wanted in OUR home!! And get away with it.

My son comes before ANY relationship I may have. We are a team. Even with a new one on the way.

Men come and men go, your kids will be with you for ever.

Hope you get through this OP.

DorisIsWaiting · 23/03/2012 20:47

I am really sad for your dd. DH was 16 when he was encouraged to leave home due to a new relationship. He had such a shit time of it it has messed him up for years (40+ now). His relationship with his mum has improved with his mum now but he's still not overly fussed. She hurt him in probably the worst way she could. That rejection still lingers under the surface (especially as his younger dsis stayed at home).

Your fear of being alone should not set your dd up for a life of rejection please please do not be bullied into this situation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

DPrince · 23/03/2012 21:16

If I were you, someone would be leaving and it wouldn't be my child. It would be him. He clearly does not want YOUR child around and does not see her as part of 'his' family. If this is how he treats your dd now, how bad will it be when he has his 'own' child. He is going to treat them differently. I am sorry for you, but I wouldn't let anyone treat my child like that.

pictish · 23/03/2012 21:37

Dearie me.
What a cold evaluation he has made of your family dynamic.
"makes sense all round"

Yes it does...if eliminating your daughter from his cosy set up is what he wants to do.

Ouch.

doctordwt · 23/03/2012 21:44

Fucking hell.

Get rid of this horrible man before he screws up both your children, and your family life. And you let him, because you become more and more unsure.

A 'proper' family?!

Your daughter is his baby's sibling, and his step-daughter.

He's just let you know that he places no value on that, and would rather your little girl was in someone else's family, not his.

He's fit to be neither stepfather or father.

Think HARD. And stop trying to rationalise this. It's utterly shocking and sickening.

doctordwt · 23/03/2012 21:50

Oh and whatever you do, don't EVER even broach the subject with your DD.

You will do more damage than you can imagine - to her faith in you, her place in the family, and of course to her relationship- to- be with her new brother or sister.

I can't get over the fact that he said that. That he could just want to see her go - a child he has helped bring up since she was nine.

I would not want a man who could think like that as a parent for my children. It's chilling.

doctordwt · 23/03/2012 21:54

Oh and whatever you do, don't EVER even broach the subject with your DD.

You will do more damage than you can imagine - to her faith in you, her place in the family, and of course to her relationship- to- be with her new brother or sister.

I can't get over the fact that he said that. That he could just want to see her go - a child he has helped bring up since she was nine.

I would not want a man who could think like that as a parent for my children. It's chilling.

DPrince · 23/03/2012 21:56

Thinking about this more. OP, he will bully your dd until she wants to live with her dad, or is old enough to move out. She will resent you for allwoing it to happen.
It would break my heart if a partner of mine even thought that about my kids. I feel so sorry for her. He is meant to be her stepdad. He is treating her like an inconvienience, not your child. I wouldn't have anyone who didn't consider her part of the family anywhere near me. No matter how insecure or scared i was. I would be more scared of the issues the dd will grow up with if i allowed this to continue.
Good Luck.

chipsandpeas · 23/03/2012 22:05

jesus christ what an arsehole

exoticfruits · 23/03/2012 22:37

It is a no brainer to me. DP goes. Simple. Make it very clear that he is going to have 2 equal DCs -he either accepts it or he goes.I don't know how anyone could contemplate living with someone like that.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2012 22:39

I had a son when I met my DH and it was 'love me, love my DS'. He always says he has 3 DSs and never 2 DSs and a DSS.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2012 22:41

We ended up arguing about it half the night and this morning but he's gone off to work which kind of ended it (I don't work today).

When he gets back don't argue anymore. Tell him he has DD for life and if he doesn't want her he leaves tomorrow.

tribpot · 23/03/2012 22:45

In case anyone was wondering (which I don't think anyone is): this is how you handle a blended family in circumstances that would have been unthinkable in years gone by. The Crown Princess of Norway was already a mother before she married into the Royal Family and, despite the fairly obvious discrepancy that her son has no title to match the HRHs of his siblings, he is listed - quite properly - as "the eldest of the children in the Crown Prince and Crown Princess?s family".

CurrySpice · 23/03/2012 22:47

I see the op hasn't been back. I hope she's ok. And more importantly, I hope her dd is

Original poster

nightmarebeforebedtime · 24/03/2012 08:32

Thanks for all the replies, yes I'm ok.... I think. Talked to dp last night, he said he was only trying to look out for me, that it'd be easier for me with the new baby . And he didn't see what was such a big deal about suggesting it, as if we split up he'd want our dd/ds to live with him at least part of the time. I made it clear dd wouldn't be going anywhere, that this is her home and there's no way to change that and he said I was overreacting, that he hadn't suggested selling her into slavery, he'd just suggested one option. But apparently I'm hormonal and overreacting and he said he's absolutely fine with dd in our family.

He didn't apologise, still thought making the suggestion was fair enough, but he was reasonable about discussing the fact it's a no-go for me, although he got a bit offended when I asked if he'd still treat dd as part of our family and he said 'well I treat her as well as you do' as if he was hurt I'd questioned it.

Feel really mixed up - if he'd stamped his foot and demanded she went I'd really would have packed his bags for him but now I don't know how to feel, I'm scared you're all right and he'll treat dd badly but he hasn't so far (to her face anyway) and this just seems to be fizzling into nothing, but I still feel really gutted he even suggested it. But then would it be fair to break up our family over an idea, if he doesn't act on it? Been up for a couple of hours already thinking about it. It was a really heartless thing to say but he seemed genuinely 'well meaning' about it, wondering if our points of view are just so skewed. His parents are very traditional whereas I was brought up by my mum and aunt so maybe he's just got some weird views from there.

He was fine with dd last night, nice as ever, how do I know whether he'll treat her badly based on this? Just feels like I've got so much to lose whatever I do.

OP posts:

curiousparent · 24/03/2012 08:38

Glad you are ok nightmare.

Maybe now you have drawn your line in the sand and exerted your authority with regards to your DD's place in the family he will realise that he has to work to ensure she remains a valuable member of the family that lives in the house with you all and that she is made to feel involved and wanted.

I think all you can do in your circumstances is make a mental note to yourself to ensure that all seems to go well and address the issues if/when they arise in future.

Good luck x

pictish · 24/03/2012 08:40

You can't know....but for what it's worth, I don't think he's going to turn into the stepfather from Hell from this point onwards.
He seems happy to accept that your dd stays put, so maybe it is just as he says, and nothing more than a thought to be brought to the table.

I'll admit I read your OP and ensuing posts thinking OUCH, and can totally understand that you are at him for even suggesting it - I would be the same....but I reckon now that he knows just how much of a big NO WAY PAL it is for you, he'll let it go.

cornsilksit1 · 24/03/2012 08:47

yes agree with the others...you made your feelings quite clear now. Perhaps once he has a child he'll realise what an awful suggestion it was and apologise.

runningforthebusinheels · 24/03/2012 09:14

Hi OP, Im very pleased you've made your feelings clear on this now - I would expect him to completely leave the subject now. Be especially wary if he raises it again later on in the pregnancy - make sure you have a rehearsed statement to shut down any further debate instantly - no more arguing all night about it.

You've had a warning flag - look out for more in the future and just be a bit wary. Closer to the birth have a nice chat with your dd - about how you'e looking forward to her having a baby brother/sister, but that you'll always feel the same about her , etc etc, make sure she won't feel pushed out by the new baby. Make sure you and she have a good enough relationship that she knows she can confide in you, if your dp's treatment of her changes/get's worse. I do not accept that you are just being hormonal or over-reacting - he's suggesting your child move out ffs! It's a bit blooming disingenuous to then say he was only thinking of you!

My own mother and SF had children - I had baby half-sisters born when I was 11 and 14yrs old. We have such a lovely relationship as adults, we call each other sisters (not half sisters), and I used to help out a lot when they were babies. I hope your dd has the same experience with your new baby - good luck!

fuzzpig · 24/03/2012 09:19

I don't see how there can be anything even remotely "well meaning" about what he suggested. I really don't.

WorldOfMeh · 24/03/2012 09:21

You'll need to keep an eye on things after the baby is born. It may be fine (hopefully), but when this happened with my sister, her partner ended up bullying my niece so badly she had to move in with a series of other people, including me. It disrupted her schooling and has badly affected their relationship. They are now getting divorced...

QuintessentialShadows · 24/03/2012 09:40

You cant know now how he will treat her in the future.

The only thing you know now is that he does not love her, he wants her to live elsewhere rather than with him (and you and the baby).

The other thing you know now is that he has very little empathy and understanding. And that he is manipulative.

Based on this, what do you think?

NarkedPuffin · 24/03/2012 09:58

You've shut him down. I'd be really careful that he doesn't try to encourage your DD to move behind your back, not through nastiness but through positive comments eg 'Enjoy the peace, (when she visits her father) it's going to be a lot louder around here when the baby comes etc'

exoticfruits · 24/03/2012 10:15

Talked to dp last night, he said he was only trying to look out for me, that it'd be easier for me with the new baby

I'm glad that you have stood firm, but really, this one sentence is utter rubbish! He must know it. Can you imagine him saying it about the new baby if you went on and had another together!! Some men may be poor fathers but they never say 'new baby-send the older one off somewhere else to make it easy!!

He realises that you are not going to be moved so he has altered his position. This is fine if it was a 'wake up call' and he is going to realise he has 2 DCs.
It is however a warning flag for you and you will have to be on the lookout in the future. I would say that it was worth splitting up about. DCs are not optional-he has her, unconditionally for ever-if he wants you and your 2nd DC.

How are his parents-are they going to treat the 2 DCs the same?

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