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Parenting

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Original poster

DP wants dd to move out - so upset

157 replies

nightmarebeforebedtime · 23/03/2012 11:39

Been living with DP for 4 years, we moved in together when dd was 9. Back then everything was fine, we all got on and I thought everything was fine. In the last couple of years (since hormones have kicked in) dd and dp haven't got on quite so well, but I've put that down to teenage angst and the fact that dd's been having sporadic contact with her biological father which has been a little bit of a rollercoaster but seems to be settling down into a good arrangement. Dp and dd row a bit, but then I do with her occasionally, and I thought everything was still good, especially as dp was keen (like me) to have a baby together.

Fast forward to now, I'm 4 months pregnant and last night dp was talking about how much he's looking forward to the baby coming and us being a family, but then he sprang the idea on me that dd should go and live with her biological dad because she 'keeps asking to' (she only does as a shock tactic in a row) and then 'they'd be a family and we can be a proper family' (meaning just the two of us and the baby). I was too shocked to even reply, it's not as if dd's dad and dd get on so wonderfully that I'd seriously consider it. Then dp got angry that I wouldn't even think about it and kept asking why I wouldn't because it 'made sense all round'. We ended up arguing about it half the night and this morning but he's gone off to work which kind of ended it (I don't work today).

Don't know what to do, the stuff he was saying really shocked me, he seemed so adamant it would be the best thing all round, I just feel devastated that he doesn't seem to see dd as part of our family and could just 'give her up' like that, I thought he thought we were a family already .

OP posts:

Original poster

nightmarebeforebedtime · 23/03/2012 12:44

Thanks for all the messages, I've got to go but will post later, probably after talking to dp

OP posts:

PeppaIsBack · 23/03/2012 12:45

Then perhaps yu need to remind him that he has being acting like a dad to yur dd, that your dd sees him as a dad. That even his parents sees her as part of their family.
That being a father and being a dad are two very different things.

And that being a dad to your dd, he has taken on a responsability that he can not give up now.

PeppaIsBack · 23/03/2012 12:46

x post.

Good luck OP!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

QuintessentialShadows · 23/03/2012 12:46

Good points Peppa, but he wont understand, he does not even understand that the op has responsibilities as a mother to the girl.

EMS23 · 23/03/2012 12:47

Please don't question yourself. Your DH has suggested a horrible thing. He is wrong and his idea must not be entertained. If you must discuss it further with him, simply say there is no discussion to be had, you can put it down to a moment of madness and leave it at that.
If he ever mentions it again, pack his bags.

I'm a stepmum and this makes me feel sick. My DD and DSS are so close, I can't imagine dispatching him off, he's just so bloody important to us.

Devora · 23/03/2012 12:48

Good luck, OP.

DamselInDisarray · 23/03/2012 12:49

Be aware that you are going to feel like you're stuck in the middle increasingly from this point on and that you will need to take care to make sure that your DD still gets your time and attention with a new baby. This can be tricky at the best of times. It's especially important because your DP has now come right out and told you that he doesn't want your DD there messing up his little family.

anniemac · 23/03/2012 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swed · 23/03/2012 12:51

Please don't reject your daughter for this thoroughly unpleasant bully. It would be so destructive. Your relationship with your daughter would be forever damaged, your daughter's relationship with your as yet unborn child will be forever damaged, your relationship with your partner will be forever damaged. You would all bear the scars for a very long time.

If you stay with this man, I think you need family counselling.

wannaBe · 23/03/2012 12:51

op -

Why do you not know what to do?

When you say "I don't know what to do," what do you actually mean? Think about it. What do you mean?

Your dp said that "they can be a family and we can be a -proper- family." Think about those words. Proper family. Proper family. And think about the message that those words have just conveyed to you about what your partner thinks of your daughter.

He doesn't love her. That's not necessarily a crime, you can't make someone love a child that isn't his. But it's clear that he doesn't consider a valid part of his family, and that is where the issue lies. She is your daughter. Do you consider her family? Do you consider your partner family? which one is more important to you?

I wouldn't ask about your joint child in the sense of sending it to live somewhere else, but I would ask your dp: "imagine if we split up, and you got together with someone else, and that woman said to you that the baby should live with me not you because it wasn't a part of the family, what would you think then?"

curtainrail · 23/03/2012 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/03/2012 12:54

You just really need to make a stand RIGHT NOW for your daughter. No point starting to consider making this stand in a year or two. ...

Kaluki · 23/03/2012 12:55

I don't think you should pack his bags and tell him to F* off straight away(although I would be very very tempted to if I were you)
BUT you need to tell him that sending DD away is NOT and NEVER will be an option and he needs to get his head around that fact or he can FO.

My children regularly tell me they are going to live with their dad when we row, but I know they don't mean it and they would be gutted if I sent them off to live with him.
I agree with Anniemac, he doesn't have to love her as much as the new baby, that would be too high an expectation, but he does have to respect her position in your family and stop making such ridiculous suggestions.

3littlefrogs · 23/03/2012 13:03

I have an almost 14 yr old daughter.

Nothing and nobody would have a cat in hell's chance of getting me to send her away. I am absolutely horrified that this man can even think of such a thing.

This is your child he is talking about. You are her mother. There must be something wrong with him.

I feel so angry and upset for your poor dd.

MyleeneCrass · 23/03/2012 13:04

He sounds very manipulative.

DialsMavis · 23/03/2012 13:04

Looking into my crystal ball now..... DP will cause more arguments with your poor DD, so that she wants to go and live with her father, it will be a bonus for him if these arguments manage to drive a wedge between you and you DD too. He is going to manipulate the situation to his advantage and it will be fairly easy for him I imagine. If he already doesn't see you DD and the new baby as equal now, then it will only get worse when the baby is born. Don't feel guilty about her bio Dad, if he wanted a relationship with her, then he would have had one all her life surely?
I would be really concerned about having a child with a man that can think this would ever be an appropriate suggestion.
*Disclaimer: I am honestly not prone to OTT leave the bastard out bursts, but in this instance I think it is necessary. Please don't let him destroy your relationship with your DD

3littlefrogs · 23/03/2012 13:07

You can bet your life your dd knows his true colours intuitively. Poor kid. She must be miserable, and that has nothing to do with hormones.

TheQuietCricket · 23/03/2012 13:08

I'd sit him down and explain to him that dd and her bio father will never be a "family" by themselves. He is basically asking for their to be a 2 tier family system for the 2 children that you have given birth to.

The new baby gets a "proper family" and dd gets an "untrained/sporadically interested father" with occasional visits with her mum and half-sibling.

Tell him that any child of yours will not be subjected to such unfair treatment and that you are horrendously shocked at his suggestion and are questioning whether you want to be with him if these are his true thoughts and wishes rather than a moment of a madness.

Ask him to seek counselling for his utterly beyond reason selfish suggestion of what amounts to proposed/planned neglect and emotional cruelty.

TheQuietCricket · 23/03/2012 13:09

Ooops. "there" not "their"

Ratbagcatbag · 23/03/2012 13:13

Op - you have to stand up for your daughter, you are the only one she has fighting her corner.

FWIW my DSS regularly tells me and his dad at the age of 13 he's going to his mums and never coming back, I have to confess in the heat of the moment his dad has uttered "good" (which receives death glare from me) this is usually around arguments over homework, bed time, showers, X Box Games/Bans etc etc, but god we love him and would hate for the 60/40 shared care to ever stop. He also on the same arguments at his mums says to her is he coming here 100% and never going back.
It doesn't mean he would do it, he's just being a teenager, I would be absolutely be gutted if either of his parents took him at some angry words.

You need to be frank with your partner and say we come as a package and there will be no splitting the family up, if he agrees but then as other posters have suggested tries to cause problems he's out, end off!!

DamselInDisarray · 23/03/2012 13:16

Slightly different situation, but hopefully still relevant... my parents separated when I was a teenager and mostly seemed to use me (not my sister, just me) as a weapon against each other in really quite dreadful ways.

Once my mum was annoyed about something so she decided to throw me out and told me to go and live with my dad. I didn't want to go to my dad's (I certainly didn't want to live with him and generally felt obliged to see him rather than enjoyed it) so I went to my best friend's house and slept on her floor for a couple of days. I was 14. I didn't tell anyone. I never told my dad (as I knew he'd just see it as further ammunition in his war against my mother).

I didn't have a stepfather (not until later) but the thing that characterised my teenage years is the feeling that neither of my parents really wanted me. I was just something to be passed around, fought over and used as a weapon. For example, the first time I ever went to stay at my dad's after he moved out, my mother made sure to let me know (at 12) about her concerns that he would sexually abuse me. I really doubt that she had any concerns at all about that (and why would she tell me if she did?) and he never did anything of the sort (my parents specialised in the mind games school of child abuse).

My dad and my sister didn't get on at all so he had no contact with her. My mother decided to blame me for this and would prioritise my sister over me. My memory is fuzzy, but I think that the reason I was thrown out at 14 was to do with my dad refusing to take my sister. I have no relationship with my sister at all now partly because she's really quite horrible (DH and several other people who know her agree, so it's not just me that thinks this) and partly because she has always been such a fundamental part in my parents' abuse of me.

Clearly the OP's situation is very different, but the risk that her daughter ends up feeling like she doesn't really matter in comparison to the new baby is very similar. I no longer have contact with my father but I still have contact with my mother (out of feelings of obligation and because of the kids), but I really don't trust her and I'll never forgive her. You don't want your daughter feeling this way about you.

ajandjjmum · 23/03/2012 13:17

I would sit your DP down and tell him that now is the time to be completely open. He's showed you how he really feels about your DD, and clearly he is not including her as part of his loving family. In which case you and your future DC will not be either.

I would need persuading bigtime to stay after that conversation.

Sorry it's hard, but your DC come first.

CurrySpice · 23/03/2012 13:22

I am puzzled as to how you can have argued for half the night.

Surely your answer when he suggested it should have been : "It is absolutely out of the question that DD lives anywhere but with me. End. Of. Conversation. If you ever mention it again, or even intimate it by word or deed, I will pack your bags and never see you again. Full. Stop"

How can you doubt that? I am quite worried for you and your DD tbh :(

RabidEchidna · 23/03/2012 13:22

What a horrid little man, ask him if he would like you to get rid of his child, how dare he want to chuck out your DD ad be a "proper family" with you and his child.

I am sorry but I would get well rid of him

CurrySpice · 23/03/2012 13:23

And even then I don't think I'd ever really trust him again :(

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