Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

[Suchanamateur]

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

astronaut79 - my toddler wakes at half five ready to start her day now (since baby born). Last night tried the stair gate across the door thing everyone raves about.

She didn't leave the room but in her room she took her own very pooey nappy off and smeared it around a bit.

Not quite the result I was hoping for.

Me too, DD1 is 2.9 and DD2 is 2 weeks old.

Luckily DD2 is the opposite of her sister and knows what she is doing feeding wise so although she does cluster feed at points she can go 2.5 hours between feeds. Her older sister was a nightmare who fed every half hour through the night in the early days.

Haven't had any melt downs yet (me or DD1), but I am waiting for the first growth spurt or bug to hit to really test my metal.

I will be introducing expressed milk bottles for DD2 from 6 weeks so that I can go swimming and leave both with DH so I can get me time and get back into shape after c-section.

Made the mistake of not introducing bottle early enough with DD1 and never really managed to get out, she even refused the bottle when I went back to work and ended up reverse cycle feeding all night, never again!

Hi everyone

Ciske - what a cowbag! I'm impressed with your Zen approach though

Astronaut - we've got a zoo really local to us too. I keep thinking I'll brave it soon with both DC, but I STILL haven't got a bloody car at the moment so it's just park park park for the foreseeable

DH is off to Switzerland for four days - bloody part-time parent...

Sorry; don't know what happened to my paragraphs in that post

I no longer have to put DS in the sling, we have transformed the double to the two sit-up position's and he doesn't cry automatically when in it. It's nice to have the choice of sling or not and even nicer that it feels like I have a completely different baby.

DD started sleeping through not long after DS was born then due to a run of illness she hasn't slept through (bar maybe once of twice) for the past two months. She is easy to resettle but sometimes the timings just leave you wiped.

DS has a little cold so not too bad but congested enough that it has effected sleep and feeding in quite a big way. DH has taken the lion's share over the weekend but don't think he will be back to normal tonight. He wakes early, not wanting food, you can rock him back to sleep (rare in a night does he need this) but then can't put him down. So between us he spends half on night on one of us.

DD has also been uncharacteristically clingy but that's due to her latest cold. Had a great time in the park with her today. As I had two hands I could teach her how to do the cargo net. Not that she needed teaching, but for once was allowed to try.

zhen if it is really important he takes bottles to you I would suggest start at 3/4 weeks tbh. The problem with the second one is finding the time to express, if you can't express and give a bottle regularly it may not be worth the bother.

Oooh can I join? Skim read thread so will have missed lots!

My DD is 3.1, and my little girl is 3 months. I have no idea how 3 months is passed as I don't think I've done any "just sitting" looking at her or playing with her like with no 1. It's been madness. It's reassuring to know others are finding it tough. My husband works away most mon-fri and we're quite strapped for cash and I have just felt completely exhaused.

Difficult bits -

*Admitting to far too many cbeebies days :(
*I really miss the special times when it was just me and daughter. We have (had?) a lovely bond and I do miss asking her what she fancies doing and just jumping in the car and going places. It does feel like I've lost her in a way. She started pre-school just before babe arrive too.

• I'm really not on top of house. As in completely not. As in quite often during the week I probably wouldn't let a visitor in.
• Struggling to cook proper healthy meals. We had chips 2 days running last week :( So not the sort of mum I was/want to be.
• Have I mentioned I'm exhausted?!

I really don't want to "miss" baby's first months, and I want to have time to enjoy her but it feels I'm just constantly trying to catch up with myself and never really spending good time with either child :( Husband comes home at weekends and all I want to do is sleep!

On the plus side - DD1 absolutely adores DD2. If she hears her cry from anywhere in the house she runs to me urgently calling out "mummy, mummy, baby needs mummy milk." Baby seems to love watching big sister dancing around. No sense of self preservation...

Glad to join the thread. I currently have no idea how I'm going to move baby into room with big sister without husband around. Baby still wakes a lot at night but first didn't sleep through until out of my room. But I can't really put her in DD1s room until she sleeps through... bit cyclical that one!

just marking my place. Malingering on the laptop but should really go and wake the dcs up if I'm to get any peace tonight.

This thread is just what I need - will be back to post properly when i've read all the pages. DS1 2.5 and DS2 10 weeks - me totally fucking knackered.

Welcome place markers and fellow knackereds.

Well I started the day feeling fairly low that yet again I'd bred a child who resists sleep, and shooting grumpy glances at the sling I knew I was shortly to don. Once Id got over myself, we've actually had a nice day, with a cheerful toddler rocketing about in the sun.

Brought down a bit though by seeing a friend who has DCs almost exactly the same age (her youngest born 3 weeks before DD), and who told me that her DD would happily sleep in a basket and was going from 11 to 7am. I should know better than to let this depress me but do feel a bit like she got the baby I ordered... However her DH is hardly around and she'd got no family in the country so I know I should count my blessings rather than wish for a sleeping baby.

Mondays are our crap days - they are whilst Dh is out every Monday night, cos it means I have them all day by myself. Apologies to those with OHs that work away/late etc regularly; I do not know how you cope.

COuldn't even go and do stuff after nursery today cos the people coming to take our little trees away didn't turn up! Up here the weather is crap, so we just stayed in. I danced for the dd, but was promptly told: "No dancing. No dancing mummy!" by the toddler who is now (2.5) starting to get a bit jealous of his sister when I concentrate on her. THe nuaghty step was employed when he started slying throwing chalk. THe chalk was just an excuse - I'll be damned if a toddler's going to tell me to stop dancing! HE is quite funny when he's been naughty and told off though; starts very ostentatiously stroking dd's head, "I stroking baby's head mummy

FAiled utterly as a mother tonight - made him jacket potato with cheese, which he has refused to eat. I should've known better really, but I couldn't be arsed with proper stuff.

He has now eaten a banana. AIBU to just let it go? To assuage my guilt, I could give him a rusk. But then he would have won.

Ps. usinga you describe exactly how I feel about my DS, that I've somehow 'lost' him. He's 2 tomorrow and we've failed to get him anything [bad mother emoticon].

usinga what you have described is exactly how I felt in the first couple of months in particular. I still don't really feel like it's the same between me and DS1, he cries for his dad rather than me and isn't bothered when I go out but has been known to go ballistic when my husband does. I guess it's just one of those things - I am constantly having to remind myself that it's a marathon not a sprint raising kids and it's not a competition for their affections but it still makes me feel a bit sad sometimes. I cant believe the time is going so fast either...

such an I know what you mean about sleep, DS2 isn't terrible but he's not even close to sleeping through and I have friends who claim their bf children of the same age are. I almost can't fathom how that could be possible given the number of times I'm up feeding in the night sometimes, even if it's not the case it makes me feel better sometimes to think that maybe they're just making it up as part of that whole not so subtle baby comparison competition that some people like to get into

suchan DD was two last week and we didn't get her anything for her b'day specifically.

astro for once DD ate her dinner but that's because it was beans on toast.

I also felt like I due an easy sleeper but I've dealt with it now almost. I'm so glad that he doesn't cry in an upright position in the buggy.

Just put ds to bed - whilst clutching dd - and can now hear him stomping about upstairs. Can't go and put him back cos dd is hysterical (think today's jabs are affectnig her now).

How the hell do people bed two at once?

stairgate across bedroom drawer?

Phew

Day one of DH being away, 2yo in bed and asleep, 5wk old over-tired and doing mini mexican waves in his basket next to me while I ignore him

I'll just have to feed him now but he NEEDS to have a sleep and I'm terrified of feeding him to sleep because I read the baby whisperer book and apparently if you feed them to sleep the universe collapses

To be honest, he's basically opened all DDs presents that have arrived over last few weeks so suspect presents aren't really exciting any more.

No idea about bedding two. In denial.

Penguin meant to say congrats on the buggy. You give me hope that I may not actually having to wear the sling for the rest of my life.

Mistressploppy - I definitely feed to sleep! Especially for the first couple of months. Babies are designed that way - milk and sucking makes them feel sleepy. I've got the "no cry sleep solution" and have read that for ideas to not make feeding through the night a long term "problem" and it suggests feeding, then lying down slightly awake if you want to avoid the association, so during the day we try that. At night I just feed when she wakes and she goes back to sleep.

Firstborn fed on demand and sleeps brilliantly 7-7, and has since she was night weaned (at a year.)

If only I could keep him (them!) in a drawer, penguin!

His bedroom door shuts tight, but it's like Marley's bloody ghost with all the rattling. I've just been up and fingers xd he'll settle now. Gets a bit funny when the baby helps put him to bed.

mistress, I gavde baby whisperer away cos it made me feel too inadequate. I like looking at dr sears on tinternet cos it makes me feel like I'm super strict and in control in comparison!

oops

Hi all, can I join you please?
I have a 22mo ds and 7wo dd and am feeling zonked!
So far we seem to be pretty lucky with dd, but ds is either struggling to adjust or simply has transformed into a little monster! Am hoping it's just a phase...

I've only quickly skimmed the thread (while feeding dd to sleep... Yes I know this will come back and bite me on the bum) so it may take a while to catch up.

Nice to find others to take notes from though!
Rx

Hi to all the new people, hope you all got your wine ready and your feet up!

suchana - I agree, seeing the kids bond makes the pain of all the tantrums and sleepless nights a little more bearable. We had some lovely moments here this morning when DD1 held DS2 and led him cuddle Mr. Lamb - an honour rarely bestowed on anyone, so this must mean she's starting to appreciate her brother.

mistressploppy - I wish I could claim Zen like calm during the Angry Mother/Stroppy Teenager incident, but I was actually quite taken aback. It was however quite touching to see DP flip into Protective Mood and offer to confront the lady on my behalf. On my request he didn't as surely nothing good could have come out of that, but it was very cute anyway. :)

In the meantime, DD1 and DP have nearly recovered from last week's illnesses and are back to their normal selves. Which means today it was DS's turn to feel ill and I spent all day with a sickly baby clinging on to me for dear life. Seems to get his appetite back tonight, so fingers crossed for tomorrow, when I'm taking Double Trouble out for toddler music hour. Yes, that's right, we're going out in public!

OP we're out the other side now as youngest is 5.

I remember sitting on the loo breastfeeding while DC was in the bath for hours. We had an emergency bag of toys (from NCT sales etc) that was there to bring out in dire emergencies - ie just too tired to cope any more. Don't forget babies like watching washing machines and listening to vacuum cleaners (burnt out a Dyson this way - so be careful).

I think my main advice would be keep your standards low and don't be scared about letting people down if you can't get out of the house etc.

Thanks usinga and Astronaut - DS1 was a perfect baby who actually HAD read all the baby books and did exactly what they said he should, so I've been spoilt

DS2 appears to be a more 'normal' baby...he has finally conked out in his basket though

now I am worried about my buggy situation.

Have a phil and teds explorer and have been having DS (baby) in the front seat and DD in back. Weight limit in back is 15kg and she is only 11kg but think heavier child is suppose to be in front. However, pretty sure it's the combo of being upright and looking out that stops DS crying. I have decided to get DD to walk more (normally I'm either late or DS would cry if walking speed dropped below a certain point)