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Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

995 replies

Suchanamateur · 01/03/2012 10:27

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Astr0naut · 10/04/2012 13:15

Dd is 5 months old. Ds still fed twice a night at this age, but you could actually put him back in the cot if you stroked him a bit. Dd just gets cross, but then she's been quite diva-like since birth.

To be fair to DS, the poo on the floor was perfectly formed.

Ah well, there's not going back now and besides, if he does it when Fil visits, it might put him off visiting for a while!

PenguinArmy · 10/04/2012 13:19

i reckon in a few more weeks you will be more zen. Do you get some time to yourself or just one DC. The few times I have had just the one make a massive difference to me.

I'd say if he still isn't improving in a few days then don't keep with it.

mistressploppy · 10/04/2012 13:20

I'm ignoring him Grin

How long will I stand it?

Grin at perfectly formed poo

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Astr0naut · 10/04/2012 13:25

Thursday's book group, so that's a bit of time off. I could send ds to my mum's for the night, but while we're in teh early days of potty training, I'd rather not.

I'm just feeling swamped at the moment and claustrophobic. I hate being needed (which is why teaching yr 7 drives me nuts). THere's always one of them complaining. Dh doesn't understand why I complain when he buggers about in the kitchen instead of being with the dcs, but it's because even though you're still doing something chore-like, you are having some peace.

I think ds does get the idea of PT, but for some reason free-form pooing is a bit scary. Not sure why, he sees his dad has enough! Weeing's great if he's au natural; less so if he's dressed. I'm working on that.

PenguinArmy · 10/04/2012 13:29

Those feelings are perfectly natural (why I'm dreading tt is the being housebound). I do the weekly shop now on a Friday/Saturday because it is just a job, no looking after children with the eyes in the back of your head. I am free to look at things as long as I like, move at my speed and not simultaneously stop two children tipping over into crying and failing

Ciske · 10/04/2012 13:31

Oh well, that's it for my morning 'off'. I had spent a delicious 2 hours on my own when, lo and behold, I ran into DP and the kids in town! Of course it's nice to see them, but this was my morning and I was enjoying the freedom of being sans kids.... :( That was my time shopping cut short, as I felt too guilty to say I didn't want to stay around, and we all went back home together.

Back home now and DP left as soon as we got in. After 10 minutes, DD got out of bed from her nap, spilt juice on me, the couch and the carpet and went into tantrum mode. Was feeding DS so couldn't do much apart from observe the damage while telling off DD.

Then, I will be honest, I had my own tantrum and did some throwing of inanimate objects in the kitchen to let off steam. After feeling frre and back to my old self for a few hours this morning, being back with kids on the couch, surrounded by mess and watching bloody Peppa Pig for the zillionth time, it feels like being thrown back in jail. :( Perhaps I was better off not smelling the freedom. Aaargh I feel so frustrated now!

And worst thing is, it'll be a while before I have another chance to be alone, so that's my opportunity wasted. Sorry for the rant but I'm feeling unreasonably upset about this, which tells me these past few months may have been more intense than I realised. :(

Ciske · 10/04/2012 13:35

Penguin, Astro - I see you feel the same. It's silly, but I nearly had an argument with DP this week about who was going to pop out of the car to buy easter eggs in ASDA. I got out, and I felt so stupidly good being in the shop without kids trailing behind me, walking at my own pace.

Loobylou77 · 10/04/2012 14:10

I everyone, my lack of posting over the past couple if days has been for the same reasons, I've been feeling like it's all getting on top of me and feeling quite down. I guess the lack of sleep is the main culprit - DS2 is still waking every 1-2 hours every night for a feed and taking extra feeds during the day too. I feel like I can't get away, have no time to myself, that I look awful from the lack of sleep and desperately need my hair done but have no idea when...basically everything you have all been saying above (and that's ignoring the effect of DS1's tantrums).

Saw the health visitor this morning to discuss potential weaning and to my surprise she totally agreed with me. DS2 is 23.5 weeks old now and given he's showing all the other signs of being ready I guess it's time to begin. Feel a bit sad in a way cos it means he's definitely growing up fast iyswim but if it's time then it's time I guess.

Suchanamateur · 10/04/2012 14:34

Congrats to those who got even a few minutes to themselves with both DCs in their own beds. Stuff dreams are made of. And sorry to Astro and Ciske in particular for the bottom of the wheel feeling - especially when you were meant to be getting free time. Swamped and claustrophobic are exactly the words.

I managed to get DD sleeping in her Moses for one of the only times today after about 30 mins of patting. But , she's on her front. Am sitting right next to her watching her nervously. Not quite time away or a chance to read my vampire trash. I know she'd naturally be a tummy sleeper (at night she's mainly on me or tummy to tummy) and it def helps her wind and sickiness. But it's all the wrong thing. But such a relief to have her sleeping without touching me.

Our other big milestone was yesterday when we had to stop for me to calm/feed furious DD on car journey home. DH and DS disappeared for some man time and DS came back clutching his first Froot Shoot and a sausage roll (not his first and disappointingly not Greggs). Although my sense of humour has disappeared with my sleep, it did amuse me no end. DH got v defensive and kept telling me that they had lots of fruit in them. DS just chanted 'more, more, more'.

On another note, anyone else feel like they and their DPs just share a house and kids, and no more? I miss him, even though he irritates the hell out of me doing pointless DIY improvements instead of hanging out/ taking out DCs. But know I'm pretty grim to live with at the moment so don't really blame him for withdrawing.

OP posts:
Suchanamateur · 10/04/2012 14:38

Looby xposted. Sorry you're feeling shit too. Fingers crossed the weaning will help. Can you throw a bit of growing up fast dust my way - not ashamed to admit that I'd sprinkle it liberally on DD. although past 5 months by the sound of the recent posts from some of you 'veterans'.

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pommedechocolat · 10/04/2012 15:32

such - a friend who had a dd who was a front sleeper got an angel movement monitor and let her sleep on her front. Option maybe?

Here dd2 has a terrible cold, can't feed, can't sleep. Tomorrow is dd1's nursery day and I'd made fun plans with a friend. I guess I'll now have to cancel because cannot spend forty mins out of every hour having her feed for a min then bob off and scream then feed for a min then bob off and scream etc. have rediscovered the snot sucker.

Dd1 fine as she is getting more chocolate and tv out of me than ever imaginable pre last trimester of pg.

pommedechocolat · 10/04/2012 15:33

Also ciske - at the weekend I ran to tesco five mjns away to buy some tea bags. I felt sooooo light.

hawthers · 10/04/2012 16:15

Snap over here. I asked DH if I could have some time on my own this weekend and he wanted to know when he got time on his own.... er at work darling was the gritted teeth response. I just feel pretty claustrophobic like many of you and DH doesn't get how tough it is on your own mentally. I just want to go for a shit without spectators (sorry tmi)

pommedechocolat · 10/04/2012 16:25

I had a shit with dd1 on my lap last week hawthers. Extreme parenting.

Astr0naut · 10/04/2012 17:21

Yy, Hawthers, I never realised how entertaining a parent on the toilet could be before I had kids - especially when you get to flush the chain while parent is on toilet. Hmm

My heart sinks when I hear this:
toddler ascending stairs Mummy, where are oo?
Mummy, I see you.
Mummy, I comin'.
Mummy, I see you pooin'.

Pomm, I've heard of attachment parenting but still.....Dr Sears would be proud.

Suchanamateur · 10/04/2012 18:05

Pomm I misread lap for laptop and had a fleeting and very bizarre picture of what the Pomm family's toilet habits are like..

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PenguinArmy · 10/04/2012 18:23

suchan I do feel like me and DH just share a house as well. We don't annoy each other but we're just two ships passing in the night most of the time. We went out the other night but it seemed to make it worse, although it got better over the long weekend again.

Loobylou77 · 10/04/2012 19:44

With you all on sharing a house with DH. We had a few weeks in a row a while back where DSil babysat for us for a couple of hours and the first couple of times just ended in arguments which was really disappointing having looked forward to getting out of the house so much. The tiredness has meant we both have very short fuses and how quickly the positive state of our relationship seems to plummet is definitely a factor in my feeling low.

I do remember us fighting a fair bit at the beginning with DS1 too, for the same reason which is something of a consolation. Just hoping DS2 sorts himself out soon...

LOVING the toilet stories, I have the same with DS1. He's stopped wanting to sit on my lap but he does like to sidle along next to me and try to peer in behind me to see what I'm doing. And yes, flush before I'm finished. The joys I tell you Hmm

Suchanamateur · 10/04/2012 19:58

I think the going out together (not that we're anywhere near that yet) tends to be more stressful because theres pressureboy have a good time and really enjoy each others company. Easier said than for when you're both knackered and your lives are complete opposites. I remember the same with DS1 too- just can't remember when we got it back. Presumably in time to DTD to get ourselves in this situation!

Trying to get wired baby to bed. So fecking BORING.

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PenguinArmy · 10/04/2012 20:14

DS was due to us DTD the first time after DD Blush and I took the MAP

SilverSky · 10/04/2012 21:06

HI (Him Indoors) has horrible habit of saying "where's/let's find mummy" and I want to scream.

Grumpla · 11/04/2012 04:50

Hi all. It's been grim, DS1 in hospital
Most of the bank holiday with wheeziness, had to leave DS2 with PILs for 8 hours without me Sad

DS1 now ok, full of steroids, which turn him mental. Hoping he will be well enough to go to nursery where he will be able to blow off steam on someone else. No sleep at all Monday night. Just had 4 hours now but is not enough to recover that sleep debt!

Knackered. Ds2 won't settle debating whether to make up another feed as he's drained the first one.

God I'm tired.

Is there any chocolate left?

Loobylou77 · 11/04/2012 06:42

Oh no Grumpla that's awful!

It's horrible having to take them to hospital and on a bank holiday must surely be the worst possible timing. I hope he's okay now (aside from the effects of the steroids). Does he have to take them for long? Hopefully he is well enough for nursery so you can get some rest.

Thinking of you

Suchanamateur · 11/04/2012 08:52

Grumpla - so sorry. What a rotten bank holiday. How's he feeling now? Hope DS2 decided to be kind to you and settle.

Penguin- your story may have ensured that DH never gets lucky again. Then again, DD attachedness is pretty effective too..

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Grumpla · 11/04/2012 12:42

He's in nursery!!!

I felt a bit guilty as he went a bit quiet when we arrived at half ten (after morning bouncing off walls, natch) But it soon passed and I haven't had a call to go and get him so hey ho. DH has slept all morning as I think he only got about 3 hours last night so I am now cashing in some of my brownie points for a bath Grin

Our relationship at the moment seems to revolve around "sleep points" ! We are hoping to go out for dinner on Saturday though as my mum will be here for a couple of weeks to help out whilst DH is working away for a fortnight Sad