Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

[Suchanamateur]

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

Me too! Also hope DH gets over "the flu" which is sooo much worse than we all had it, that DD is reasonable (ha!) and sticks to the routine which is FAIR for EVERYONE and that I can be tucked up in bed by 730pm!!
I've lots of express milk stored and will keep expressing, and maybe just the bedtime/overnight feeds can be formula for a while. Doing it on my own every night and also doing the mornings (and I know lots of women do EVERYTHING on their own, and I genuinely am on awe of them) just means that I am desperate for some predictability I suppose. Mornings are ok, we usually head out and about about 9, back for lunch, and then we are in for the day. But we will see what DD has in mind today!
One nice thing is that, while I thought DS would be cursing his little loud sister, this morniing when he woke up and I had fed her and popped her back in the basinette, he was asking for her to be brought out. I brought her out and he clapped and kissed her, she is now sleeping in the living room with us. So he doesn't seem to traumatised by last night, blesshis lovely little heart!
How are things with you at the moment, suchan?? You are a GENIUS and a LIFESAVER for starting this thread, by the way!! Nice safe place :)

Frizzy have you tried hot flannels / massaging your boob for a few minutes before you start expressing? Or is there any chance you could have a hot bath before you start expressing in the evening (chance would be a fine thing I'm sure...)

I expressed for 3 months last time round and every now and then my supply dipped (usually when I was particularly tired / stressed) I found heat helped, sometimes pumped, then had a bath / shower & pumped again straight after.

Or you could just mixed feed! My DS2 is now totally on formula as I found BFing nightmarish and expressing too difficult with 2 to look after. Hats off to you for managing to do any at all!

Hi Grumpla - thanks for the tip, will try that!! I think I will end up fully formula feeding, bbut while I still have some energy left, I will keep expressing for half her feeds. Hopefully the heat works - sometimes I am so engorged but nothing comes out!! Is very frustrating (as I am sure my DD could attest last night!).
Things going well today, is only 235 though so the horror time of day looms... trying to keep everyone calm, clean fed and prepared for battle!
(am pleased I am not the only one who finds BF nightmarish too :) )

Nope, definitely not alone there! I finally gave up last week and my nipples are still peeling like onions. It's pretty gross, not as bad as when a whole chunk of nipple fell off though

I seem to have a bad combination of large boobs, flattish and extremely delicate nipples and small-mouthed, tongue-tied, hungry babies. Hey ho, now I am past the worst of the hormones and sadness I can just start feeling grateful that I have access to a clean, reliable source of alternative nutrition for my son. I guess a few centuries back (or in another country today) it would have been wet nurse, malnutrition or even starvation for him - puts it in perspective slightly!

I guess it's the evening where you are, so hope you are settling down with a nice big glass of wine sometime soon. I'll settle for another half hour in bed as have been woken every hour on the hour pretty much but have now evicted husband from bed and sent him downstairs with the culprits!

Hope you get a bit more shit eye Grumpla.

Astr0 out of interest and not that I'm obsessing here but ... where did your DD sleep pre 10 wks and how did you make the transition to the cot? Looking for hope that at some point DD might be able to sleep when she is not physically attached to me..

Tee hee at 'shit eye', Suchan! That's pretty much what I had last night

Can't be arsed with today. I want a day off. After trying a proper bedtime for 3 days we are back to keeping ds2 up in the evenings. Feels like we're going backwards

Loving shit eye!

Dd2 still feeding constantly Grr. Dd1 being quite sweet though. Need to think of something to do as can't socialise due to ongoing conjunctivitis (shit eye!)

Can't even imagine dd2 having a routine yet. I was thinking of designing a double routine on paper when it came to it though

Can you do me one while you're at it, Pomme?

How old is dd2? (crap memory)

And me Pomme. We laughably play DD a lullaby in a dark room when I feed around 7pm ish. We then finally get her Down for her longest stretch of 'shit eye' (2 hrs if we're lucky) at about 10. Totally futile.

Dd2 is five weeks today. Nearly at six weeks which is supposed to be magic right ?!

Dd1 is two.

I was thinking cot mobile such! Is it not a magic cure all thing a lullaby and darkened room?!

We just have dd2 in living room with us such until we go to bed. I may encourage 'accidental' waking at nine so I can feed her ready for my bedtime at ten!

Had a shocking night last night.

Managed to get them both asleep by 740, so saved ourselves 20 minutes on the rest of the week .

DD woke up at 1 for a feed. ok, used to that.

She then woke at 3 and didn't settle until530. Basically, once she'd had a big burp (4 months and still needs winding?), I thought she'd be fine. Nope. She wanted boob - not milk - just boob.

Ended up bringing her in bed with us, which we've not had to do in ages. 5 minutes after falling asleep in our bed, she was back in her own, where she stayed until 830. Shame ds came bouncing in at 6.

It's raining today, so plans to go for a walk and the park are out. Might be a telly day.

suchan, dd slept officially in a moses basket in our room until 10 weeks. Officialy,because she would spend half the night propped up on one of our chests, then end up taking up 2/3 of the bed at 4am when we gave up. I was itching to put her in her own room for ages, because we all slept much better when we did it with ds, and I think I sneaked her in for a while - feed her watching telly in my bed, then transfer to cot. She had a lot mroe room in teh cot (so no banging about), and we could prop the head up more, which seemed to help with the fake choking.

I think we're hitting 4 month sleeep regression a little late, because the rainforest mobile is starting to lose its magic. Until now, if dd couldn't settle, the mobile would work its magic and off she'd go. Now all you can hear is her little arms banging it. And whilst I obviously have a genius child who knows how to turn her mobile on; I just wish she'd sleep.

Ps 9 O clock bedtime lasted for ages. SHe's only been going down at 7-730 for about a month.

Hi is it too late for me to join? I have 2yr 2mo old DS and 8wk old DD- both fab but we are really struggling overnight- DS has actually started sleeping better since DD arrived (sleep before was terrible!) but is still up at least once most nights and then demands to get up at 5, DD feeds for what feels like all night- so tired feel like it's started to make me less fun to be around for DS during the day. He is very fond of DD and loves to kiss and cuddle her, but is a stranger to the concept of being gentle, no matter how often I remind him, so often if I do manage to settle DD in moses basket (she mostly sleeps in the sling during the day) he will wake her up by patting her head etc, which i find difficult to manage...we also have the house on the market so terrified of letting the housework slip too much in case we get a viewing. Reading some of your experiences/advice has really helped... fingers crossed things will get better soon...

Shit eye

Welcome Mostabelle, never too late for new arrivals here!

Hi Mostabelle, we are similar - I have DS1 2.5yo and DS2, 8wks

Thanks Astr0 DD does choking thing too. I'm going to get a cot soon- cant stand the sight of the damn Moses basket, virtually unused. Looks uncomfortable and she'll be too big for it soon. The amount she feeds at night, weight gain is so not an issue.

Mostabelle welcome. Never too late as Grumpla says- this double trouble of ours is for life after all! Although frankly the newborn stage can feel like some sort of groundhog day life sentence.

Am at magic 6 week point today. Waiting for thunderbolt from blue to transform life into easy peasy film version of motherhood. One preferably where am wearing make up, have waxed legs, no sick on clothes, doing imaginative craft with patient loving toddler who periodically turns round and says 'I love you mummy' and baby sleeping quietly in Moses basket beside us. One where I am getting 7 hours a night (am not greedy), have the time to cook more than fishfingers, and DH and I have undisturbed stimulating conversations in the evening and share more intimacy than simply passing each other plates, babies and toddlers to wash. Still have half a day for transformation to happen. Shall report back.

Ok, going out in less than 2 hours.

I have:
Tidies a few times
Sterilised a number of bottles and have about 4 feeds ready (oh god I hope she's in the mood to take a bottle)
done my make up
got my bag ready
Washed all the chalk out of Ds's face/hair/mouth after he found them while I was doing my make up
Made a pot noodle for my tea

I need to:
Make sure DS eats more than just strawberries for tea.
Wash up
Tidy for the babysitter ( she lives with her mum, across the road. I reckon her mum will judge)
Do my hair
Get both ready for bed
Get changed
Put ds to bed
Fll dd up with as much milk as possible

WIll I do it?

on the plus side, Dd has accepted a dummy today. Talk about leaving it to the wire! Ds never had one, but dd is a very sucky baby and I don't want the babysitter in bits.

Do I sound a bit manic? This is because I'm having to do it all by myself on about 3 hours' sleep! I'd kill for a drink, but I'm driving.

It's Challenge Astronaut. Amused you managed to fit in a quick MN before embarking on your 'to do' list. Priorities.

Flying visit, just skimmed. Having work crisis and dh looking through an email, on here as diversion...
Astro- have fun!!!
Such- the choking is a big sign of reflux. I ended up in A&E because of ds making choking noises at night and that's how they diagnosed reflux and immediately put on meds. The tale it v seriously if they are doing the choking bit... It's the acid coming back up and basically going back the wrong way. Can you put her on her side?

Wow Astr0 that's quite some list, how'd you get on? Hope you have had a fantastic evening and the DCs were perfectly behaved.

Loved the 'shit eye' comments, got some funny looks from DH when I started laughing in the middle of feeding DS2 (my MN time :))

I don't quite know how I did it and it still seems like a miracle of sorts given how run down my immune system surely must be after such a long period of sleep deprivation but I think I've managed to avoid the vomiting bug. Grand total of 11 times DS2 managed to vomit all over me and I think as many loads of washing but everyone has finally stopped being sick. So happy.

Suchan we started using the cot after a couple of months with DS1, a bit later with DS2 but only because we hadn't shifted DS1 out of it yet. Started off putting him in it for daytime naps and then onto night time sleeps once he got used to it. He's still in our room though, mostly because he's not sleeping through - I live in hope - can't be bothered dragging myself to the other bedroom to feed him in the middle of the night...have most people found they sleep better out of your room? He would be sharing with DS1 who is a brilliant sleeper but not sure that'd be any different to him being in with us in terms of likelihood to wake??

On tenterhooks waiting to hear about your night out Astro hope it was FAB!

New Phil & Teds has been an absolute lifesaver today. Was able to take both to doctors with me for six week check as DH out. Then a friend came over to stay so we've had an extra pair of hands all day. Ratio of three adults to two children works brilliantly, I wish we lived on a commune

Please ignoreamelia33 her comments will be gone in the morning

Looks like we had a very prolific yet unimaginative spammy troll last night!