Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

[Suchanamateur]

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

You deserve it, mrsrvc.

The nice sunny and uneventful bit I mean. Not the paying for it!

I keep telling myself that we're going to start potty training ds next week, as he's 2.6. Not fully convinced he's ready though. Of course, Mrsrvc, I just whipped my nappy off at 18 months and was dry from thereonin.

Well, I may be getting some night time, but sure as hell not getting any fucking evening.

Yet again, ds has been in and out of bed, hammering on his bedroom door. I'd leave him, but am terrified he'll wake dd up.DH and I have been going up in shifts, but he mainly 'want mummy'. I've tried threats, ignoring, menacing voice...he's responded by dragging his entire bed clothes onto the floor, and lies there, giggling. It will be funny in 18 years.

I'm also gutted when I think that he drives me mad with his mummy fixation now, but the minute he gets a girlfriend, I'll just be that mad old bat who ruins his street cred.

I overthink too much, don't I?

astro - I agree. Dd1 just dropped off anywhere and was out like a light. I thought my friends were all mad having baby sleep on them, feeding to sleep and having complicated transfer procedures. Glad I watched them a bit though as I have to do all of that now with dd2!! Luckily shes a good feeder so is easy in that respect (which dd1 definitely wasn't!).

Fuck me, we're having a hideous screamy on off boobs, rootathon but not eatathon evening. And it's the one where DH offered to take baby for me an do a bottle for next feed once we got her down for the evening to give me a stretch o one hour plus. Not going to happen now. [:(]

Yes Suchan, Tizzy Hall sleep training. Trying to break the habits we've got into that seem to be causing sleeping and feeding problems - too frequently offering bf means he snacks and is never full enough to nap properly during the day, and feeding to sleep I think is probably not helping with the night waking, I suspect our current experience is a combo of the two. Am just hoping he settles more easily after his early morning feed tomorrow...he did sleep for a longer stretch last night, just objected to going back to sleep on his own after the feed...baby steps I guess...hope you have managed to settle yours now?

Oh Such that sounds crap, hope your night improves

Some success to report here. Unlike DS1 who seemed to think I was playing a cruel trick on him when I tried it, DS2 will take a dummy! Have managed to stretch him to three hours between feeds this afternoon and he has taken about 4 oz very calmly, no manic slurping, and burped beautifully just now before conking out so I'm HOPING that means he will sleep longer than half an hour unlike last night...

It makes sense in my head that a big baby would be very sucky as if I was BF he would still be working my supply up. But the constant "gulp two oz, fall asleep for ten minutes, wake up, vomit, gulp two oz" is getting pretty wearing...

I had a 2 year old then twins!!! Was not easy but we got through it. I know it isn't easy to see now but it will get easier. The contented baby book really helped for me.

My granny had four under three at one point. She did become a bit of an alcoholic after that...

Dummy seems to be working in terms of fobbing DS2 off slightly, he was asleep by half 4 then woke at 5 but sucked dummy and went back to sleep until 6.15!

When DS2 decided to get up

It has occurred to me that I actually have A Useful Tip to share on this thread as well as just moaning and venting at you all - one thing which has been really useful
Is having multiple safe places to put DS2 down! I have a Moses basket upstairs, one downstairs (both on stands) and the pram permanently up in the hall. The baskets and stands cost about £20 altogether from the charity shop (plus I bought new mattresses at a tenner each from amazon) and having places to hand where I can pop him out of DS1's reach for a second whilst making a bottle etc is VERY USEFUL, I still wouldn't leave them unattended together but it means
I'm not worried about DS1 running into the sitting room and (say) landing on top of DS2 on the floor / bouncy chair.

Having two baskets also means I'm not tempted to try and carry one up and down the stairs which would definitely probably end in disaster due to my legendary clumsiness.

Poor little DS1 was up most of the night vomiting and threw his milk up this morning. Currently waiting to see if dry toast stays down. We're not sure if it's a bug or something he ate. Happily though, with the exception of a ten minute feed at 2am DS2 slept through til 7. I can't tell you how happy that makes me! I am ignoring the 40 mins it took to settle him last night because it took an hour the time before and 80 mins the time before that so I'm hopeful this is a positive sign of things to come :)

Whooooooohoooo! Well done LittleLooby !

How's your knee?

Oh and on the subject of lots of children, my mum had four under five. Pretty sure she was crazy. In spite of our massive differences over the past ten years I definitely have a whole new appreciation for her and my dad now though!

Thanks Grumpla, it's been many months coming so I'm hopeful he's not just teasing me with a one off. My knee is on the mend, still scabby and sore but not raised or red or feeling like it's burning anymore...

Four under five?!?!

Have an un-baby related emergency I need help with!

It was my friend in work's birthday on Sunday. I didn't get anything then, because I knew I wouldn't see her until this FRi, when I'm taking teh baby in. I now have two days to get a present (really only a token, £15or less) for a woman in her late 50s who is allergic to flowers, has expensive taste, and is fairly well off.

Help!

DS slept reasonably well, awake 3 times and the last one was my own fault, as I'd messed up the nocturnal nappy change and he had wet himself and the bed. He seems to love the Infacol, we've had far less throwing up compared to previous days, so it's clearly working.

Suchan - cot nap yesterday lasted an impressive hour. DS was awake for some of it as I could hear him make noises, but not crying or otherwise upset, so he must've been ok with it. It took me 3 attempts to settle him, just by picking him up, cuddle, put back, and then he seemed to rest and I left the room. He knows the cot because DD1 and DS sometimes 'play' in it together, but this was the first time he slept in it alone.

Looby - glad to hear the knee is getting better. I know what you mean about looking shocking, I'm trying to avoid mirrors as much as I can. I was in the playground with DD yesterday when one of those effortlessly impeccable mothers arrived with equally impeccable daughter - I felt so frumpy! I'd go shopping for clothes but it will only depress me more.

I've just been really sad and looked at my work email - mainly so I can take my mind off housework and babies for a bit and remember there is another world out there as well.

Looby that's excellent. No comment on our night.

Astro bottle of good wine/ v fancy lip balm or something? Bottle of posh olive oil if she's into cooking?

Suchan, that evening sounds identical to how my ds was with his reflux. Does she arch away? I would take her to the Gp and see what they say.
Great news re infacol Grumpla.
Also great looby!
We had an ok night (tbh dd sleeps pretty well thankfully) and ds is with the nanny for the morning so enjoying some baby cuddles.
Hope you all get a chance to enjoy the sun. Xx

*suchan, don't be - remember my dd is 4.5 months old now , the tunnel is considerably lighter.

Thanks for the suggesttion, btw, it's triggered my thinking synapses and I might make her a baket of afternoon tea stuff- but include alcohol!

Getting all jittery this afternoon. I requested dropping my hours a while ago, and the head said he could let me know by Easter. He's just emailed the department to invite those of us currently and wanting to be part-time to go to a meeting tomorrow afternoon. CAn't decide whether the email suggests it's not going to happen for the wannabes (me and A.N. Other), or whether it will. Can't stop thinking about it, because it's letters to the governors and all round bad-feeling if he won't let me.

Maybe I'll provoke Ds into a tantrum to take my mind off it.

Hi everyone

Astro - I'm with you on the can't-be-arsed-to-potty-train. DS1 is 2.5m and very enthusiastic about his nightly POO AND WEE ON THE POTTY MUMMAAAAY, but I just haven't the energy to go for it properly

Maybe when we're on holiday in May he can just go naked and feral and shit on the patio like he did last time (disclaimer: it's our own villa)

I think I may keep DS in a cot and nappies forever. Least I won't to deal with girlfriends then..

Suchan, thanks for making me smile for the first time today. :)

What a fucking awful day. We're all ill, I feel like death warmed up. DS2 has cried pretty much incessantly all day and DS1 has had two knocks to the head (one courtesy of his cousin pushing him off the patio step, one falling off the climbing frame). I feel like shit in general, shitty because I don't feel like anyone is getting any quality time (mummy-time or otherwise) and shitty because I keep losing my rag. I seriously have a meltdown at least once a week. Today DH came home to all three of us sobbing on the sofa.

I'm asking this here because at the risk of sounding American, I feel that this is a safe space. When do I call a halt and go see the doctor? I don't want to think PND but I'm starting to.

Twinkle , there is no shame in asking for help. If you're even considering talking to your doc, I would do so.

I struggled for a long time with MH ishoos in the past and when I finally went to see my GP about it he was excellent. I was angsting about whether antidepressants would make me feel better or worse and very paranoid suspicious about why he was recommending a particular type (Citalopram) and he told me that those were the ones he had taken himself and found very helpful it did help me realise that if a responsible adult like my doctor could need help maybe it wasn't such an admission of failure after all for me to need the same.

Is there anyone else in RL you can ask for some assistance? By which I mean concrete asks like "push this pram for an hour whilst I sleep". It sounds like you are urgently in need of some support. Have you talked to your DP?

Please don't feel like you need to put on a brave face. Or maintain incredibly high standards. Neither is important. The important thing is that you feel okay.

Is there any way you can get a bit more sleep for a couple of nights? Can you sleep in another room for at least a few hours? Even if you are BFing your partner could bring the baby to you - you wouldn't be interrupted by snuffling etc in between feeds?

Hope you feel better soon. I'm here in the same sleepless shitty boat with you.

(Actually, I have decided to celebrate DH's return home by tackling sleeplessness from the other end and drunk two pints of cider tonight, more than I have in about six months. So I will probably not even hear my wailing children. I tell you this so you can judge me instead of yourself.)

Twinkle I second everything Grumpla said. I found it extremely tough going in the first couple of months in particular and referred myself to the health visitor and then to the GP for help. I'm now going through cognitive behavioural therapy which is helpful in working out what's not working for me and what I can do to change it.

I've been depressed before (not PND) and knew what to look out for and am keen to avoid it carrying on for too long. I just felt so flat, emotionless (but quick to anger and frustration), exhausted and most of all like I couldn't cope and was letting my family down. I decided to do something about it when it lasted beyond what could reasonably be considered the baby blues (I.e. The first couple of weeks).

The most important thing I've learned is to be kind to myself and the best way to work out how is to imagine how I'd treat a friend if she was going through what I am. There is absolutely no shame in getting help to get through a tough time, just like you would see a doctor if you had a physical illness.