Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

[Suchanamateur]

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

looby I'm feeling horrendous guilt at the amount and volume of shouting I have done at my 2 year old

Not much consolation but was chatting to my mum about this and she said that she felt the same and lost her temper with us too. I don't remember anything of this so it hasn't scarred me.

And it will get better

Hey gus - you'll manage. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My girls are teenagers now, but there is 18 month between them. I used to get DD1 to "help" me bath/feed/... DD2, or she had her own baby to feed/bath/... at the same time as I fed her sister. When DD2 was able to sit up, they used to bath together. It worked a treat, and there was no jealousy at all (she's still quite maternal to her younger sister even though they are 14 and 16!)

They both always had the same bed time (still do really), and we treated them pretty much the same all the way through. They even shared a bedroom until 6 or 7, and never woke each other up by crying, being sick etc in the night.

I used to either put DD1 in back pack and push DD2 in pram, or DD2 in sling and push DD1 in pushchair - work OK, and much easier than double buggy.

When they were both in shitty moods I used to stick them both in the car and drive until they fell asleep, then pull into a layby or carpark and have a nap myself.

You'll find that if they're close in age, it's all much easier as they get older as they can do the same things, share the same toys and friends etc. The beginning is hard, but it's definitely easier in the mid-long term to have them close in age.

hawthers - I had exactly the same talk with my mum today too! Made me feel better too.

Blimey we are getting really busy here now! It's hard to keep up.
Having a monster week. Toddler vomitting again and now has a rash all over his back. Been to gp, told it's a virus, nothing to be done... Oh well at least he slept for 2.5 hrs.
Baby had nightmare 6w check (at nearly 9w) yesterday. They have picked up on a potential problem with her spine. She has a extra dimple which makes it look offset and is a possible sign for spina bifida. We have been referred to a pead for ultrasound and while it doesn't look too severe apparently it's pretty scary.
Just wish the shit would stop coming in my direction.

mrsrvc I was talking about this to someone this morning. Apparently the main worry is if the bottom of the dimple can't be seen or found I think (sorry this is third hand info). Good luck for the ultrasound, do you have long to wait?

that's it, the temper and being so close to losing it. Atm I have a quick shout sometimes and then feel awful afterwards.

They're both sleeping atm DS still latched on however he woke at 1:30 and 5:30, plus I got to sleep at 10 so fantastic night here. Went to a cafe today and survived bloody expensive though. Much prefer people's houses

Am looking forward to DS sitting up. Going to try and see if I can get him to take some milk in a cup this week. Given up on bottles.

mrsrvc sending lots of hugs your way :)

mrsrvc we had this with dd. I could never really see it, but pretended I could .They picked it up about 12 hours after she was born and I freaked.

My sister googled it for us and said that the SPina Bifida link is a bit misleading, can't remember why.

Dd had to have an ultra sound on it and thankfully it was ok. Apparently (and as you can see), it's quite common.

I shouted at my toddler like a banshee yesterday, I even kicked her little stool out of the way as I was so fed up with her whining - not proud of the latter, I just saw red.

But I apologised to her for it and that's the main thing I think. And at least I didn't kick her!

All of the above. It's so hard and you rarely get a moment, but once the baby is 3 months it's less terrifying. Just get through a day at a time.

Good work littlest Penguin.

That sounds a bit unnerving Mrsrvc but hopefully some reassuring responses on the thread. When is ultrasound?

First solo bedtime tonight. So much crying and have bitten lip from trying not to lose it with DS. DD wouldn't go in sling and was utterly overtired and wouldn't feed, just screamed. Making DS beside himself. In the end, I put her in cot for his last story even though she was crying. Came down five minutes later and she'd cried to sleep. No positive mothering points for me this evening. DS v wound up too. Hats off to all you guys who've been doing this without DHs or DPs around all week.

now as no doubt DD will wake any minute and want feeding for the next three hours. Poor little mite.

Thanks ladies. I'm doing my best not to google.
You can definitely see the bottom so that's good, but it's quite obvious now they've pointed it out.
Ultrasound apt should be in 2-4 weeks. Praying it will be ok, just feeling crappy about it.

Suchan, have you got a bath chair for baby. I find bathing them together oddly easier. Ds loves watering dd to make her grow and dd reclines in her bath chair and kicks about being watered. Makes at least that part quite fun!

I'm replying on my phone so it's impossible to go back and see other posts and my memory is in bits! Have a nice evening all.

Mrsrvc, we couldn't see the bottom with dd, so that's really positive. SHe's 4 months old now and there's like a little dimple there.

Her ultrasound was when she was very little, about 6 weeks. Sonographer said they'll leave it alone, unless she wants it done for cosmetic reasons. Seeing as she's not going to be a stripper when she grows up, I can't see it being a problem.

Both dcs are currently refusing to stay asleep. DS keeps popping out - just found him in dd's bedrooom. Dd isn't settling as well as usual and providing ds with the excuse that 'it's noisy'. Shit, I'm going to miss Corrie.

DD woke as predicted but now back to sleep with my nipple in her eye. After earlier, feel I can't deny her that

Thanks astronaut, very reassuring. Does the base of her spine look lopsided because of it?

Yeah, forget bosoms for pillows; everyone needs a nipple in the eye.

Sorry I'm everywhere, bidding on ebay so keep flipping back.

Not that I've noticed MRsrvc, and she's doing all the rolling and stuff.

Evening everyone.

It's very reassuring to hear other people are racked with guilt about shouting at their toddlers too

I'm still wondering about when to bung them in the bath together and put ds2 to bed at a reasonable hour???. At the moment I still tend to feed him as much as possible in the evenings so he'll wake less at night - not that it seems to bloody work - last night he woke loads but just took a quick nip before dropping off again....

Mrsrvc - that is a whole lot of shit to deal with, hope that's your lot for a good while

Looby - ouch. I'd have bawled in the street

Astronaut - did you win your auction? .

Won 2 auctions, but not the big bundle of baby girl clothes. Dh helpfully told me I should've been watching the price. I was! It jumped more quickly than I could type!

Just remembered something else, Mrsrvc, apparently sacral dimples can be hereditary, but quite often just got overlooked. My mother, upon hearing this, swore blind that she had one. But my mother lives in a universe very slightly off kilter to this one. I'd ask more reliable relatives.

I need to ebay some stuff but I'm too lazy

I know, I always end up giving stuff to charity shops because the whole photographing, packaging, posting thing is too much. And besides, I struggle with Readitswapit, so I've got no chance.

I have so many maternity and baby clothes to get rid off. For me it's the trying them on to see if they have food stains on or not

DH saw for himself how active DD has become today and is very firm about me resting asap. Going to my mums for a week tomorrow but DH is staying behind. Feel a bit not sure. Problem with two is I then feel it is too much to ask someone to take them both. The days will be easier but the nights and get ups will be harder I think. DH has also informed me he's staying away for a few nights in the next month. I have a plan already, dinner's will be cooked ahead, washing up will be minimal and we'll have loooong baths everyday.

Dear Suchanamateur, hope things are looking better now. I have a gap of 2yr 9mths between DS and DD - and DS never slept. DD fed every 3 hrs day and night. It was tough, but they are both now at uni - mind you I waited 7 yrs before having a 3rd child. I also had PND 1st time round - if you feel the PND coming back again and everything is too much, ask for help, just talking it over with a sympathetic health visitor or friend who has had similar problems may help - if you think the waves of anxiety might be that, don't let it go on. It will all get better - those early days are now just a blur, but I remember things improved after the first few weeks of no. 2 being born, I hope the same happens for you.

Suchan you kept two children alive safe and well. We all have bad days but the fact you were on your own and survived is a testament to you. The fact you are prepared to admit it could have gone better is also to your credit.

Marking my place. Terrified as can barely cope with one. DD is 21 months old. DS due in 4 months. GULP

RainyDay, thanks for the advice, will take it on board. Feralgirl, it's relieving to know I'm not the only one, though we are few and far between. I could have added the head butting and jumping on DD2 too (luckily I've usually grabbed her before she lands on DD1). I have to confess though that having absolutely no breaks from my maternal duties whatsoever my patience has been pushed beyond its limits and I have hit DD1 back when I just couldn't fathom how else to make her see that what she is doing is wrong. And then felt utterly rubbish for having done it. Today the attacks continued despite me having kept her entertained outdoors for a large part of the day. I do all the positive praising and trying to explain why we don't hit but I'm just fed up with it. This evening alone she hit DD2 at least 6 times and if I didn't catch her she would have smashed the remote control on her head!

Lifesrich, thank you too for the words of wisdom. We have just this week decided that Saturday mornings will be my fun alone time with DD1 and Sunday mornings she goes swimming with DH anyway. Thing is, we spent all of Wednesday at kew gardens, most of today in Richmond park, and during this time poor little DD2 is out of the picture because she sleeps for ages in the buggy. So DD1 has me all to herself, yet when we get home it's back to the hitting.

Thank you Phyllis, finally some positive outcomes to hope for. I too tried buying DD1 dolls and getting her to do the same with her doll or help with the baby. Sometimes she is so aggressive with her doll I see why they are a psychologist's best friend!

Good luck to all new two-timers on this thread, so nice to have the support. On a positive note, I do think all children, probably like all adults, have their good qualities as well as their challenging sides. DD1 never posed any problems for me until now!