Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

[Suchanamateur]

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

Alpha that sounds horrendous, I really feel for you. I usually try to keep DS2 in the p&t when we go to the playground, appreciate that's not always an option but it does leave my hands free. Not been a great afternoon for DS1, we had to go and check out of our previous flat so he missed most of his nap and has been full of unnecessary screaming tantrums this evening. Currently in his cot screaming in between visits from DH trying to settle him while I feed DS2. Thank goodness DH is home...

Ooh thread of the day- in my small world that's made my day. That and befriending a lovely woman with toddler and newborn at BCG clinic. Although she may think am a stalker..

Welcome new joiners. Always good to know that there are others out there hanging from a thread on an hour by hour basis. Good work on bedtime hawthers, I'm dreading first solo tomorrow.. I find solo tea time difficult enough, although took Astronauts tip and 'beebies' myself sane this pm. Unfortunately, because of too much iPhone YouTube exposure , DS doesn't really understand that whatever is on is what's on, and keep demanding more 'appy' (his term for changing video clips).

pomme and Louby - hoping the screaming stops soon...

I'm meant to be taking advantage of the fact that Dd doesn't have anything resembling a bedtime and is a sling addict and going to the pub with a couple of friends. Bit nervous about how the mad on/off, shake the nipple about desperate cluster feeding is going to work.

DS1 has completely refused to eat tea (nothing wrong with him as he requested pudding - fat chance) but he is now extra whiney just before we hit the battlefield of solo baths and beds. Brilliant. And an evening or ironing awaits after that. Living the dream...

Ps. Want to introduce a bottle this weekend but can't see when I'll get a chance to express. What do others do?

Or shall I just fuck it and abandon EBF and give her a bit of formula? DS mixed fed from day 1 and despite doom mongers telling me that this was the beginning of the end of bfing, the end didn't actually come until 16 months and preggers with DD. Ridiculously though I did want to give EBF a shot.

suchan - cluster feeding in the pub. Awesome. I think that may actually be to the ultimate solution to the whole issue :)

DD1 in bed, dd2 asleep in rocker down here. all quiet...

Hawthers - Hope bath/bed goes okay. 4 weeks on Monday so just two to go till we hit 6 when you promised said everything might start to get easier with the oldest one.

DD1 is 2 on saturday so after that I won't even have the 'two under two' excuse!

Alpha - I do feel your pain! (It was probably worse for you than for her, honestly). Answer: back in the saddle, go back again. I think she'll be ok next time. They all fall - a lot - and the minor injuries unit/children's A& E get used to seeing you, checking the kids and reassuring you that everything is fine, and then one day, they grow out of these mishaps you never go back there again, not for ages. (Our local one gives the kids a new teddy bear - simple small one - for very upset kids. But my DS enjoyed seeing his xray on the computer the most. Yes, it's that bad - we even got xrayed!)

my day is split into chunks, I can get to 3 each day relatively easy, it's the last 2.5 hours. My neighbour saved me today. She had DD while I went to the shops for 40 mins and then played outside with her DCs which kept DD entertained. She is suddenly so active again, so instructions she did listen to she no longer does. I know it's a phase but I was so enjoying the calm DD.

DD rarely eats tea, but that means she is used to it.

I had a similar gap. I ran my house like boot camp. Total routine, super organised.

Wash on every morning dw empty.
Cook dinner at lunch, batch cook bag and freeze. Casserole is your friend.
Use sling, really helps.
Bath time all three of us together ( rare skin 2 skin with baby)
buy your son a doll.
Forget none neccessary housework.
Bed time, feed baby and rocker, we added in specil talk about the day time with dc1, special time. This is great if dh is home.
Lots of walking in afternoon, for everyones sanity. Sling p chair or double buggy.

Accept its hard and i will tell you mine now play together, i get masses of time when thy entertain themselves!!!
My friends with one are still having to entertain a lot.

It gets easier. If your organised your routine will save you.

Good luck.

I'm really struggling with evenings on my own with the children at the moment. I manage to get to about 3 ok each day, and then its an uphil struggle. We've had some very snacky teas recently (scrambed eggs on toast type thing with some cucumber and tomatoes so I don't feel too guilty) and the house is a complete tip. I've only just managed to get the babe to sleep after almost constant crying from her since about 4! older girl watching cbeebies most of the time as I was dealing with the baby and I so miss spending time wtih her. Had a good bedtime where I let her have a silly number of stories just so I could feel I had some time with her and just let baby latch on.

I'm so so so so tired. It does feel like I'm just struggling through each day feeling guilty about the things not-done and waiting for some relief at the weekend when husband is home :(

Part of me is really wishing I hadn't had a second one :(

WHY didn't I start this thread six months ago?! I've only skimmed but am definitely coming back to join in.

I remember perfectly that sense of horror about being outnumbered when DH went back to work. And I'm not entirely sure how I've muddled through the last six months either. DS turned three in December and without the free nursery place, I might just have lost the plot.

Our routine is to go out in the morning and then use the afternoon when DD is napping for baking, gardening and arty stuff. DS enjoys having that 1:1 time with me. Now that it's light in the evenings we tend to all go for a walk around the village after dinner.

The things that have saved me have been my freezer and microwave; soft play and outdoor playgrounds (when weeny, DD would kip in pushchair while DS played, now she won't though); CBeebies; bathing together; and wherever possible we've all eaten together as well as that then gives DH and me some grown up time to do nothing when the DCs are in bed.

It has been bloody hard though, esp with PND, and DS has had some really horrendous sibling rivalry problems too. He has become really violent towards DD and we are struggling to deal with it - time out and taking away toys doesn't seem to be working - so if anyone has any tips then I would be eternally grateful.

Oh and re expressing, I was amazing with DS and dutifully expressed every morning until we had a ridiculous surplus. This time I have probably expressed about ten times in six months. I recently started doing my KIT days at work and thought I'd express enough to keep DD going but I have just fucked it off and she has formula when I'm not around. Apart from which, what I have expressed has sat in the freezer for weeks as DH keeps forgetting that it's there

Suchan - Re expressing, I find it only takes five mins or so to get a good drink for DD - 180 mls or so - because I do it so often! I know lots of people don;t like expressing but I prefer it.
I also have the wind-down time, usually starting at DS's nap which is at about 130pm!! After he wakes up, we rarely go out anywhere, and then he has his dinner at 530 so its a couple of hours of (theoretically) quiet play/stories/cbeebies til the bedtime routine kicks off.
DS was such a chilled baby and DD seems a bit more highly strung. Good sleeper and eater, but spends a lot of her awake time grizzling, which I am not used to and don't like at all!
Also was due to go to a playgroup later today but was on news the other night that there is a whooping cough outbreak, and DD (obviously) hasnt had her needles yet. So torn between sticking to plan and avoiding possible cabin fever in DS or battening down hatches and staying home, which I know would be silly really, but these news reports freak you out, don't they. What to do??!!

Sorry, suchan, just re-read and I gave no advice at all then! My point was, the more you express, the easier it is, and you will prob be able to do it quickly while waiting for the kettle to boil soon! hope yr night at the pub was good :)

Btw if you have extra expressed milk have you considered donating to a milk bank? Lots of them will collect and may come further than you would think to collect it as it is so valuable. They will require you to do a blood test but they so need extra milk its worth it.

I donated litres and litres first time around as I had oversupply and it wasn't difficult for me to express (that was the positive side, the negative side was leaking the equivalent of a full glass of milk every feed.)

Oh gosh that would freak me out too - is that local to you and where are you? (About to google!) My first had whooping cough as a small baby and I was terrified she wasn't going to make it. It makes me really struggle with anti-vaxers and very very wary of going to one of the groups I was going to when I realised several of them weren't vaccinating.

I have a 17 month age gap - make sure they have a nap at the same time and surround yourself with people who are positive and supportive (and will make you a cup of coffee).

I had one night off of post-birth chastity when DS was four months old. He's now nine months old and his little sister will be with us just after his first birthday. I am terrified.

Oh God help us all. DS1 fell asleep in the car at 5pm this evening. He was fast. We brought him in and he stayed asleep on DH, finally at 7:45 DH popped him into bed (grubby T shirt and all!). He's still asleep.

On the plus side, DH has had some quality evening time with DS2. So lovely to see them laughing and "talking" to each other. Made me feel a bit dewy eyed, which was nice, especially as things have been a wee bit strained between me and DH the last few months: the pressures of parenting two high demand DS have been taking their toll...

They're all finally in bed but DS1 really pushed the buttons and I ended up shouting at him really loudly and I feel really really bad. I just feel pulled in too many directions.

DS2 has weight gain issues so there is extra pressure to get his feeds in. This has stopped me going out after lunch but this has got to change after today. Plus DS1's nap has crept later and later so he is barely up from his nap before his tea time which clearly doesn't work.

DH has dropped the bombshell that he might have to work all weekend - feel like crying in the face of doing this in my own all weekend as well. I'm exhausted and need a break.

tiger, that's harsh luck!

It will be great fun eventually though! Welcome to the thread?

(((hugs))) for you hawthers. can't remember reading if you have any family nearby? Can you hole up with DC's grandparents (either side!) on the pretence of them spending quality time together?

Hmm one set 300 miles away and the other 60 miles away. Not ideal but think an emergency trip might be in order.

my DS was two two weeks before my twins DS2 & DS3 were born. I know something....

DS1 found the shenanigans of all the other people in our house upsetting rather than the babies initially. I had a lot of help, but sometimes I found things were a lot more constant and relaxed when it was just me and them. having said that I needed the help at that time. I think it was something to do with me talking to just him when no adults around, as opposed to talking over him to a 'helper'. I say this to counter the 'what the fuck will I do when DH goes back to work' spectre.

Get a sling I'd say. Get cbeebies on. Get a special box of toys 'only for when I feed the baby'. Get out to playgroups where you can play with toddler and leave baby in pram next to you.

Good luck!

I have a 21 month gap. My two are now 4 1/2 and 2 3/4.

The first year was tough but now they play really well together and I have it much easier than friends with siblings with bigger age gaps. They are interested in the same toys, programmes, activities etc.

In the early days, DS1 had a thing about hitting his brother. I think it was because a baby brother is rather boring & the whack would get a nice noise out of the baby and also some (negative) attention from Mummy. I was consistant & always put him on the "naughty spot" for hitting his brother. Then one really awful day, all DS1 did was hit his brother, get put on the naughty spot, and repeat! By the time DH came home I was an emotional wreck and didn't know how I could do it anymore. That was the lst time he ever hit his brother! He must have worked it out of his system. Although I was always anxious at having to leave the two of them alone in a room together, so DS2 spent most of his early days in a moses basket tucked in a corner completly neglected so that DS1 was unable to get his hands on him!

I BF DS2 till 8 months - looking back I have no idea how I did it. DS1 used to play with his trains a lot so would occupy himself. When I knew DS1 was due a feed, I would quickly sort DS1 out first (get him a drink, make sure he was settled etc)

Everytime the baby made any sound I would say "in a minute I am playing with DS1" and similar things to make it sound as though DS1 was my priority.

I am also very lucky to have a good support network. My Mum would visit a couple of times a week and DH would always be home in time to do bath and bedtime for me. At weekends DH would pretty much see to all DS1 needs and I would look after DS2.

DS1 was/is a fab sleeper DS2 has always been a nightmare. I think it is because I never left him to cry and always responding to any little sound that he made, for fear of waking DH or DS1. I also fed him to sleep, grateful that I could then go back to sleep. I always gently woke ds1 before putting him down. So DS2 never learnt to self-settle and it has taken till now for him to sleep through and not look for milk or a cuddle to get back to sleep.

I adjusted to the sleep deprivation but DH found it very hard and even started smoking again after having given up for 4 yrs!

So a tough first 6 months/year but so worth it now!

My Mantra is "This too will pass"!

Hi y'all mums of 2. Just want to say hello from the other side (16 mths between my 2 boys - not planned!) - My youngest is now 17mths. It does get better, after a while, although there may be some desperate moments and a lot of hard work along the way ...
Unashamedly call in as much help as you can from family, friends and partner. I was fiercely independent at first but sometimes it really helps just to have another adult in the house. And don't sweat about the cleaning/ironing, etc, - its just not important (if you can possibly afford it, get a cleaner for a few hours a week) .
A routine is absolutely vital, imo, as soon as youngest can be moved away from feeding on demand (maybe 6 weeks). You (and the children) need to know when they are going to eat, and when they are going to sleep. I also became a forward planning fiend - laying out clothes and putting out the breakfast things the night before, and so on...
My boys are good friends now, and quite good at sharing, but I also make sure that each of them knows that they will have some special alone time with me (when the other one is napping, for instance), and toys which are just for them.
good luck!

DS2 was born in June so we lived in the park (I got over my fear of BF in public and would happily feed in the park)

On rainy days I would go to a local softplay

I would pack lunch, nappies (both were in nappies) and spend as much time as possible out of the house!