Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

[Suchanamateur]

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

Suchan that's brilliant news, it's amazing the difference a few hours' consecutive sleep makes isn't it?! Oh potty training, DS1 is definitely showing signs he is ready to begin...I can't face it just now either, but I don't think waiting a few more weeks to start is going to hurt him.

Can I join in? Have been lurking on this thread for a few days but lacked the energy to introduce myself! I have a DS who turned two on Feb 25 and a nearly three-week-old DD.
I am so pleased I found this thread as I feel much less alone in a lot of the things I am struggling with. I am lucky in that DS seems to genuinely like his little sister, and doesn't mind waiting his turn to get stories, meals, etc. He just torments the cat while he waits. I have been trying to get out every day - in the morning mostly as DS still naps for about 90 mins in the afternoon, then its quiet play or in the paddling pool/sandpit til dinnertime (in Australia, v early autumn here and still hot). So soft play, parks, playgrounds, friends houses. Its exhausting though and today I am having a pajama day because it is raining. Any excuse.
My DH works at a bar, some days, some nights, so I have done lots of bedtimes on my own, and the mornings too as he sleeps in. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes not! DD clusterfeeds from late afternoon til early evening, so I try and wangle it so that she is finally full by the time DS has had his dinner so I can do bath and story uninterrupted.
I also dont like breastfeeding (not popular to admit this!) but want my DD to have breastmilk so, like with DS, I am expressing and she is having 90% of her feeds out of a bottle. Its good cos DH has done some night feeds when he gets in, but expressing is just another thing on the list to do... Along with the upcoming potty training, and transferring DS from his beloved cot into his toddler bed. It is up in his room and we sit on it to read, he lies on it to play etc, but any time I have tried to put him in there for a sleep he screams. :(
My thing is that it is just RELENTLESS. There is far too much poo in my day, far to much feeding of others, far too much placating, settling, shunting in and out of cars, lifting, washing, etc. I also miss the lovely time my DS and I used to have - I work from home so we hung out all the time. But my DD is such a snuggly little koala and my DS is such a darling about it all that I have to mentally pull myself together when my mind goes negative, and remind myself that they are both gorgeous, and healthy, and it could be worse! Not always easy though....

DD1 -4.5yrs. DD2 3.3yrs DD3 1. I can truly say that it has been one of the most difficult times in my life. I went through periods of loneliness, exhaustion, isolation from my previous life and all the other things that people talk about. It was also the best time in my life, the best work I ever did with the most love I have ever known or given. Go figure! My thoughts would be
BE NICE TO YOURSELF - it will not be perfect but it will be the good side of fine

DH has to take all children out of the house/away from you at least twice a week for a few hours

The other children's issues are not always due to the baby. Often times it is simply being 3 or whatever.

Run on your own clock (in terms of toilet training ect).

Get someone/anyone to cook as much as possible for you in advance and fill the freezer - seriously get that instead of silly presents. Amazing what a decent meal can do to the mood in the house.

THE BATH - I used to hop in with all of them. A tight squeez but they loved it, my wobbly bits and baby and all.

Try to avoid asking other children if they love baby ect. Just be matter of fact about baby and let the little children work it out in their own time.

As soon as baby starts smiling other children LOVE it, they love being flattered.

Cry

Most of all, treat yourself as you would your best friend. Good luck to you all, it does end and they will survive you and you may even feel good about it someday!

Welcome Fizzy. I get the relentless feeling all too well. Food thing I slept in the evening as DD then up every hr- beginning to be a bit of a pattern. Ugh.

Welcome Fizzy. I get the relentless feeling all too well. Food thing I slept in the evening as DD then up every hr- beginning to be a bit of a pattern. Ugh.

welcome fizzy as the others have said do things in your own time. its mych easier that way.

dd decided that 5am was a perfectly acceptable time to wake (dam these light mornings) getting black out blinds next week so it should be much better. feel a little spaced out waking so early. so lots of black coffee today for me.

Welcome Fizzy from me too. You sound like you are doing a great job, I can't even imagine having been up for doing everything you have described in your post so early in the piece. As various people have said it will get easier to manage but it's still knackering! I've just read Brat's advice and am going try and put more of it into practice in the hope it will help me. I'm on my phone so no paragraphs sorry but need some tips if anyone can help - DS2 is very easily distracted and hasn't been feeding well during the day so as a consequence has started waking up a LOT in the night for feeds. I can't always get to a quiet place to feed him although I do when I can, and I've tried adding in more feeds during the day but it doesn't seem to help. Any ideas?

Is DS around the 4/5 month mark Looby? If so, might be the dreaded 4 month sleep regression kicking in. Not sure there is much you can do but grin and bear it. Babies are meant to go back to their usual sleep patterns after it has passed. Are the night feeds full proper feeds, or are do you think DS2 feeding to get back to sleep?

At this age, I used to have to feed DS in a darkened room but not exactly practical with 2!

Thanks Suchan - yes, he's almost five months old so I guess it could be that too. Last night the feeds were ten mins long but usually they last up to 20 mins which is much, much longer than he manages during the day. I was hoping for a miracle cure but I should know better than to expect that from a baby! I pretty much never drink coffee but have definitely been lusting after it these past few days

this sounds bad looby but coukd you pop your ds infront of the tv close the curtians and have quiet time for you all. or disract you ds with some messy play so you can calm down for your feed.

i found that stressed mummy equals stressed baby when i was bf so calming everyone down could help.

ds was terrible with night feeding and i think it was more a comfort thing for him more than anything. funny as now he hates being squidged and wriggles on your lap. hopefully ds2 will settle more soon.

Sorry, not managed to read all of the recent posts. Hope everyone muddling through.
Been dealing with puking toddler, thankfully bow stopped andwith the nanny share for the morning, and cluster feeding 9wo... The joys. There isn't even meant to be a growth spurt at 9w. Off to baby clinic for her 6w check, after disasterous attempt last week.

Feeling like rod totally constructed for my back as previously great napper will only sleep in the bjorn.... Bugger.

Will go away and wallow in self pity and return when feeling cheerier..

9 weeks is probably a wonder week (development spurt) can look like a growth spurt

feeling a bit emotional today, no real reason why. Does mean that minor issues are upsetting me more than they should.

Have picked up the groclock today

Sorry to hear things not as bright mrsrvc and PenguinArmy. Cake and tea recommended. Keen to know how groclock goes for you. DS recent 5.30am starts are getting old. Off for DD's BCG injection today poor little mite, although in a reasonably relaxed fashion given is nursery day. DS cried when left at nursery today for the first time in ages. Think things are catching up with him.

Just popping in (only skim read thread so far) - There's 17months between my 2 with the youngest now 8months - so I've been through "the worst", I hope. Eldest DC reacted v v badly to newborn - it was like I'd destroyed her life. All she could do was attack the baby and she wouldn't be distracted. Telly didn't work and she wouldn't settle to do anything like drawing etc etc. She stopped eating and when we were with other children would push and hit them.

The world is now a much much better place. Toddler loves baby and spends all time bringing him toys and stroking him. She is lovely with other kids and just happier all round. Baby adores his older sis. They now spend whole hours just laughing at one another.

Marking my place - DD1 2.6 and DD2 due any day - eek!

Haven't managed to post for aaages, sorry. Hope everyone's ok.

I have achieved the holy grail - both children have been asleep for two hours . And what am I doing? Clearing out my inbox and mning

They both have colds so I think this accounts for the sleepiness. Plus the 6wk old is asleep with an unheated wheat bag on his tummy; the weight of it seems to comfort him....odd child

Just marking my place. Ds due in the summer when dd will be 22 months. Have only managed to read the first page of this thread so far but have a feeling it's going to help me no end. Dd was a bit if nightmare for the first 4 months so have started to worry about ds and how to cope if he's a cluster feeder when dd is desperate to go to bed by 7pm.........a few pages to read through yet!
Thanks for starting this thread :-)

OP, I haven't read any of the posts apart from the first two, but did you say your DS is in a toddler group or playgroup of some sort? Just having someone or something else entertain him for two hours might be a godsend. That's what most mums I know who had kids with a similar gap to you did. Or get a friend or a relative to visit - have someone (not necessarily the same person) come over twice or three times a week. Preferably someone who's had kids but they are grown up now, or at school. Then they can help watch or entertain DS while you both chat and you look after your baby. If you find yourself being stretched too thin still, then maybe a nursery with fun activities for a few hours each day? At least he'll be doing fun and messy stuff like finger painting or Play-Doh (and you don't have to clear up, lol). If you don't mind him being away from you during that time.

If you are pressed for manpower at dinner/bath time, then why not make the dinner and bath routine later and get your DH to do some of it when he's back from the office (I presume he's not back too late?) I've heard of many dads doing this and it seems to keep everyone saner. He could do the bath, bedtime and give your DS his dinner while you feed DD. Or what some other mums do is to get their DH to give a bottle of expressed milk to the baby while they cook dinner and then swop back round when dinner is ready, and your DH could still do the bath and bedtime while you are taking care of DD. It will mean a later bedtime and later waking up time for your DS, but if he is not at Reception age yet, it doesn't matter that much. There are afternoon sessions in some toddler groups and nurseries, so he won't miss out on the fun activities.

Scarlett to be honest at this stage I'd totally be up for that if it means I get a couple more hours' sleep a night. Managed to break the back of sorting the kitchen this morning while DS1 played in the garden and DS2 had a nap, just ignoring the rest of the house for a little while still :) Penguin I've had days like that recently, makes things much harder. That tip someone gave for dividing the day into blocks isn't a miracle cure but helps me manage it a bit better in my head at least.

Ooh let us know about the gro clock. DS1 is a bit variable about getting up. 5.50 on wed and 7.20 today. Didn't do anything different between those two days.

Bedtime actually worked last night but DH working late again tonight so doing it solo again and don't expect a repeat performance.

I'm finding it a little bit easier than a month ago but getting totally fed up of the constant UN level mediation skills required to do ANYTHING, from putting shoes on, changing a nappy, eating, drinking, bathing.... Still its better than being pinched or being bitten on the bum which is how it was up until recently.

The blocks thing is the only way to get through the day - my internal dialog goes right just got to get through breakfast, then just got to get through morning activity, get through lunch, get through post lunch playing, aaaaah nap and relax, and so on to bed then

We made thread of the day, people!

Just wrote a huge thread (as usual), then it vanished.

Gro clock: Worked like a charm with ds through the winter. Not so convinced it'll work during the lighter nights. Blackout curtains aer crap. I think the key though it to keep reiterating that if the sun's not 'awake'; neither should ds be! I've kind of moderated it now to: if the sun's awake, you have stay in your room. That's not really working, as dh is up at 620; ds hears him and decides to get up. Not really fair to keep him locked up then. (sigh)

All change in teh astronaut household tonight: we're going out! Ds is safely ensconced in his Nain and Taid's house and dd id being babysat. THe fact that she only wants mummy and will probably not take a bottle has been omitted from my text to the babysitter.

Good luck dsis!

I'm not drinking (drivin, boo) but will probably still be knackered tomorrow and wish I'd stayed in with a bag of giant buttons!

Hi ladies.

I need to join this thread. Badly.

DD is 19 months. DS is 3 months.

We had a bit of a drama today. We were at a baby & toddler group. DD was climbing up a slide whilst I held DS. Suddenly DD fell head first off the back of the slide and landed on her face (I will never forget the thud sound). I was standing 1 foot away when it happened. I could have caught her - if I wasn't holding DS.

How does anyone go out of the house with 2 under 2? Do you just not go out?

Do I take them back to the playgroup and risk the same thing happening again? DS doesn't like slings so I can't use that option.

Be a bit cheeky at p and t groups? I've quite often had to thrust dd at someone to go and rescue ds.

Tbh, not sure how I'd've coped at all if I'd had such a dmall gap - ds was such hard work under 2.

My tip of the day: clock off at 4pm. Put cbbies on, have a quick tidy while toddler gazes, mesmerized at thr screen (but not Rasta Mouse, no like this one), then internet til tea.

I spent a lot of time today with both dds on my lap screaming at me.

DD1 has reverted back to not eating anything but snacks and pushing/hitting other children. And screaming, screaming, screaming.

When will she stop the screaming?!