Toddler and newborn...How??? Support thread?

[Suchanamateur]

I am in the very early days of having a newborn (9 days old) and an almost 2 yr old DS and am seriously struggling at the thought of DH going back to work in the next few days - for a number of reasons. I had a taste of it yesterday when DH had to go into the office, unexpectedly, for much of the day.

DS is an absolute joy and I totally loved the few weeks of maternity leave pre DD when we just hung out all week. But now he is in total Mummy rejection mode and terribly teary. Utterly understandable but quite upsetting.

DD is a sweet little froggy newborn, doing froggy newborn things - eating, sometimes sleeping - and mostly at inconvenient times. I had a really awful time in the early months of my DS and the scars run deep (plus PND) - so every time I can get her to nap, I can feel huge waves of anxiety washing over me. I know they are different children, but I can't help project into a future where she doesn't sleep, night or day, and wonder how I will manage - I used to walk DS in a sling for hours and hours outside but that isn't an option with two of them. It was only at around 6 months when we did some sleep training that thing started to even out a bit with DS, and then got wonderful and I understood how you might actually enjoy being a mother. Six months seems an age away!

DD is currently cluster feeding without stop from about 5/6 until 10 ish. I can just about handle the clustering later in the evening, but I've got no idea how I handle DS dinner, bath and bed with a baby clamped to me and DS saying 'Mummy no' at everything..

I know pretty much the answer to all this is grit teeth, ride it through and this too shall pass. But wondering if anyone in a similar situation wanted to join in to help it pass? Or provide wise words and comfort from somewhere out the other side?

Just for those worrying about how their relationship with pfb (because they still totally are, aren't they?) has changed: don't, it comes back!

I felt devastated to begin with; I thought I'd ruined Ds's life and he did feel distant from me - especially as I seemed to keep saying, "not now, mummy's feeding dd. Go to daddy/Nain/other random adult."

However, dd is now 4 months old and I'm starting to feel like I can give more equal amounts of time to both. Ds plays mroe by himself now, whereas before he always wanted me with him, but he's really affectionate now and will randomly cuddle my leg or grin at me.

What's really nice now is when the three of us can do stuff together - and by that I mean just lying on the floor, whihc is alll a 4 month old can do! It doesn't seem like much, but it makes me feel that we're all involved, be it roling on the floor or just taking it in turns to look at each other, "Look ds, dd is laughing at you." I do have to remind myself how little he still is, because he seems so grown up compared to dd, but that disconnected feeling has gone.

I'm so so glad to hear that astronaut. It feels so different with dd1 now :(

Hey pomme fancy seeing you here

It does get better with pfb. It is still tough going juggling the two but mine is now saying I love you mummy again. Review when dc2 is 6 weeks old and I'm pretty sure it should've picked up

Phew, vomit was a one-off!

I'm really glad to hear that there is a point at which the "togetherness" comes back. I had such a rubbish pregnancy this time round that we've already had months of me not being able to run around and do fun stuff with DS1 so it feels particularly hard when I have to say "no" now... To hear that just a few months down the line things get easier on that front is enormously helpful so thankyou to all of you for posting those positive stories!

Happy mothers day, sisters! Coping with motherhood one hour day at a time

Hello hawthers

Hanging out till 6 weeks then.. 3 more to go! Slight dread in my belly when I think about tomorrow after the weekend with dh around.

I know just how you feel about the dread of Monday, Pomme. S'crap, innit?

Hope you all had a great mother's day!

DP & kids treated me to breakfast in bed + a wonderful lie-in this morning, so I managed to sleep for 5 (broken) hours last night - best sleep since DS was born! Had a lovely day with the whole family at the seaside and then visiting relatives, so all is well.

Looby - I've been a bit hesitant about taking DS2 with me when DD1 goes to bed, as bedtime is our 'special time' and want to keep it for her. But then again, hearing DS cry throughout storytime in a different room wasn't very relaxing either. :(

suchan - sorry to hear you're feeling crap, hopefully the weekend was better. It's heartbreaking to be 'glued' to one child while the other is begging for attention. I felt horrible in the first few weeks, even more so because I had to grumble at DD a fair bit for being naughty when really I just wanted to give her a big cuddle and tell her everything was fine. :( I find it gets better with time, and in the meantime, just try to take every opportunity to spend some extra time with DD.

Hello all, i can't believe i didn't look for this thread before . I have a neglected ds2.9 and ds 12 weeks. Right now i feel devastated for ds1, some horrible little person has stolen his mummy. It definitely doesn't help that we all have the plague cold just now.

Dp goes away for work on Tuesday, only for a couple of nights but i suspect other won't be fun.

I turn into a horrible mother once DS is crying. Am trying to reprogram myself but it isn't instant

other? I meant 'it' stupid fat fingers phon.e

I'm so grateful that i have these two gorgeous boys but when toddler is throwing a wobble and i don't get a minute away from the baby it's so hard to remember that. I'm terrified that ds1 will never forgive me for fobbing him off and all the upheaval. My mantra at the moment is "in a minute". It's so reassuring to have read this thread and know that there are other people out there trying to spin the same plates that i am pretends life doesn't look like the aftermath of a Greek wedding

Fair enough Ciske, definitely understand why you want to keep some special time. I've been trying to do that while DS2 is napping as well, DS1 loves 'helping' me cook so we've been doing a bit of baking lately as well as trying to get him to help me cook his meals when I can (also in the vague hope it will encourage him to be less of a fussy eater). When DS2 isn't napping he joins us in the bouncy chair on the floor which seems to work ok most of the time.

Moving day tomorrow so today has been a bit stressful. Doesn't help that DS2 was up feeding more than usual last night and I've managed to finally pick up whatever sickness DH has had all week. We have been grumpy and the boys have been unsettled, might be something to do with the fact nobody can move for boxes but it still wasn't feeling like we were anywhere near done :(

For those of you who have bf their babies to sleep before, I asked a while back if doing this was going to bite me in the ass...last night and tonight after his feed DS2 has woken up again when I have put him in his cot so I've got him back up assuming he wants to feed some more before he goes to sleep. But actually he just smiles, closes his eyes and cuddles up to me as he nods off (cue much melting and a huge reluctance to put him back to bed from me). Does anyone have a view on whether this is this a step in the direction of him learning to go to sleep while he's not feeding or basically the same thing minus the milk?

Hope moving day goes well tomorrow Loobylou !

I've just been routed from my bed to take over grizzly baby duties from DH who was nearly incoherent from tiredness... Limited sympathy for someone who voluntarily got out of bed to watch F1 at 5.30am when we had TWO sleeping children though ...

Good luck, Loobylou.

Grumpla - you're a saint for even taking the baby off him. Sleep is like gold dust at this stage, your DH owes you one for wasting it!

Thisisnot - grab a comfy chair in this thread, we know how it feels. :( Just remember it's not easy now, but in a few years time those boys will be best friends and conspiring in mischief together against their parents, and these early weeks will be long forgotten.

all around.

Hello, wild-eyed and knackered again here. Just realised that I've been up at least twice a night for teh past week now. Last night was worse though. Dd up at 1, then wouldn't settle until 2, then up again at 3 and 6. Someone started their motorbike at 4, then ds coughed until about 5. I think I saw every hour last night.

However, I have forced myself to go for a walk with dd while ds in in nursery, so at least I've had some fresh air and greenery.

Went out for a meal for Mothers' day. My sister's suggestion, although she was a bit sheepish when we arrived and it took us almost half an hour to settle, then both of us pretty much eating one handed. Said she hadn't realised how much effort it would be to bring both kids out.

To be fair, Ds is quite well-trained, but of course, grandparents want to have a hold, then wind them up etc. My dad is very obvious: "Let's have a hold, then." Mum is more subtle: "I'll help you by holding her while you have your starter."

me: "No, it;s ok,I'm used to it. BEsides, she'll kick off."
Mum/Dad:"No she won't! WIll you, lovely? Come on, pass her here (already getting up)
Me: "I'm telling you, she will kick off."
DH:"SHe will."
Dsis: "SHe will, she only wants astronaut."
Mum: "COme here......see, she's fine."
all wait with baited breath. I eat two prawns out of my prawn cocktail.
dd: "Waaaah!"
me:

Louby, I think dd has started to do a bit of this (although it's always dark so I can't tell!). I 'm prettty sure she's a comfort sucker, so when she cried for the 3RD time last night, I sent dh up to put her back to bed. SHe cried for a bit, but did settle. Although ds has been quite a clingy toddler, he was always happy for anyone to put him down. Dd can be left for longer periods, but she only wants me to put her down and I need to stop that. I am lucky though, in that I can put Dd's mobile on and she usually drifts off. Ds was far too savvy to fall for that one!

Fear of Monday passes too! Not for a while though, but now I find Dh completely screws up any routine I've got when he's about, and everything is much slower!

astro I have that with MIL. It pisses me off, stop pretending your helping (when there is loads of ways you could actually help) and at least be honest. Then you can say you can hold her at .

I woke up a bit despondent today, but drove to a friends and we went for a walk. Knew I had to do and I would feel better and it worked. Think I thinking of not going back to work for a few years.

How is it only half two??? Still four and a half hours left.

Ds1 had a temperature of 39.2 this morning, and it took us four attempts to wrestle some calpol into him.

He's just waking up from his nap now, we have a doctors appt this afternoon. He's not eaten anything all day.

So it looks like he won't be well enough to go to nursery tomorrow, but will probably not be poorly enough to just flop on the sofa all day either

Ds2 is being very good now to make up for his two-hourly bottle orders all night last night

DH is asleep

I am dreading tomorrow. DH out all day and over bedtime so my first solo bed routine will be with a sick and grumpy nightmare toddler. Yuck yuck yuck.

Hi hi everyone! Hope you all had a nice Mother's day (if you chose to observe it - that's me being PC). grumpla, hope DS1 is better soon.

Thought I was being smug and holding it together but have just realised that DS1 (currently asleep) hasn't had a clean bum on since this morning... praying new bamboo inserts hold out

The move has gone very smoothly so far, DS1 loves the house and the garden and has totally tired himself out running around today. A bit of the usual resistance at bedtime but he is happily in his cot hopefully chatting himself to sleep. Fingers crossed for a restful night!

We had so much help from lovely friends it helped a huge amount. Lucky too because I've been up since 5am and once the boxes were in the kitchen I couldn't actually work out what I wanted to do with any of it!

Thanks for posts of support all. Grumpla hope DS feels better and good luck with solo night. Louby congrats on the house move.

Things not much more cheerful here. Days area cycle of trying desperately to get DD to sleep and contain her crying (the weekend proved that she even hates the car/carseat FFS), a mess of evening cluster feeds and then maybe two hours of sleep followed by a three or four hour long grunt/wriggle/fart/puke fest until I give up and decide its morning and sling time. And DS currently waking several times as well although DH deals with those.

Am trying to introduce a dummy in case that helps but so far she's just pushing and spitting it out. Any tips or success stories? We used one for a few months wih DS but can't remember how we go him to take it. Sorry again for misery post.

wow i cant belive a havent found this thread before. ds is 2 and dd is 7 months.

i can honestly say routine us my best freind. i dont have the security of dh being here in the week so im on my own most of the time. he has his own business and works away.

i am trying to teach ds to be as independant as possible so he can feed himself etc while i do the same with ds.
i do bath and bedtime together. and one has to wait (and most probably cry) while i dress the other.

they both are in bed by seven ds has a dream feed at 11 and they both sleep through, although i sleep trained both at five months.

dd is teething at the mo so us waking more but a cuddle bottle and back to bed does the trick.

try and get out as much as you can too. although this is hard with a highly strung toddler who has tantrums in public (any tips on how to deal with this?)

it does get easier every day i promise.

Suchan, you beat me to the misery post!

Bedtime was a frigging nightmare last night. DH was on his last but one comedy training, so me vs the kids. Dd started crying at 6, paused briefly at 640 when we cleaned ds' teeth, then cried all through his bedtime story . Poor li

Poor little ds asked if dd could 'go in her cot now mummy' at one point, then resigned himself to an abridged Cat in the Hat.

Less than 2 minutes on teh boob downstairs (bear in mind I'd already tied it upstairs) and she was out.

Dd then woke at 3 for a feed, but because she's all snuffly, stayed up for another 2 hours.

Ds was up at 620, as is usual.

It's been over a week of really bad sleep now. How I'm still functioning, I do not know. You expect it at the beginning, but then I started to get some kind of proper sleep, so it's thrown me completely. Might go to Pilates tonight for a kip!

No tips of tantrumming in public, although I find holding ds at arms' length and looking at him like this , makes me feel better.

astro I have been thinking but maybe I'm supposed to have got it by now. Get DS doing independent naps, get jobs done in the day etc. He is 5 months, not a new born so what's my excuse. I think the difference comes with sleep, babies who nap and sleep well at night at different to handle than those who don't. Either way I need to get myself together at some point.

OTOH I could do jobs but when they're awake so at their expense and DS's crying (you can't put him down for more than a few mins really). Plus DH is happy helping and doesn't like it if I do get loads done in the day as he thinks I should rest/play with DCs. I need to ignore people who say two young children is no excuse for a being a professional cleaner 24/7