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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Enid · 06/01/2006 13:11

yes I bloody well was knackered! And sick of cooking for dh! And crying with tiredness at my stupid job! But I didn't send my kids away for a day every weekend so what that has got to do with it I do not know.

soapbox · 06/01/2006 13:20

If you had a nice mum (big if, I know), who offered to take them for a day, would you have done?

snowleopard · 06/01/2006 15:44

One day, yes; one day every week, when you only have two days with them altogether - that's mystifying to me.

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pucca · 06/01/2006 15:50

Whitecloud...I think you will be blanked just like i was, but fwiw i totally agree with you

Enid · 06/01/2006 16:16

well I dont have a nice mum unfortunately. but I do have a dh who took the girls out for trips so I could rest. My Mil lives near and yes if she had offered I would take her up on it. But not every weekend as the OP suggests.

Would you bk or soapbox?

dont quite know why I seem to be the focus of your attention here.

megandsoph · 06/01/2006 16:49

I'm a single mum and I work 57 hours a week as a security officer. I do rolling shifts which means I work 3 12hr day shifts, 3 12hr nightshifts and then I have three days off. My three days off are never on the same days once a month they fall on the weekend which is when I get to see my girls for a decent ammount of time and when they are not with me they are with my childminder who is like their grandma. My wonderful exp has them on my night shifts (stays at my home) but I put them to bed and makesure time spent with them before I start is quality like bed time story and cuddles.

But when my days off are during the week they still go to their childminders as I can't just change the arrangements every single week ( I do pick them up earlier)

If I didn't do this job the girls wouldn't of had a christmas and I would never be able to pay my debts off.

I was a sahm until dd2 was 1.5 years and tbh I find that both working or being a sahm are both as hard as eachother.

megandsoph · 06/01/2006 17:02

note to self

Mercy · 06/01/2006 17:09

megandsoph, wow, I think you deserve a medal!

megandsoph · 06/01/2006 17:15

some extra ZZzzzz's will do mercy lol

We all do what we gotta do.

whitecloud · 06/01/2006 18:16

Thank you Pucca. It would be nice to not to be blanked, but so be it - you have to stand up for what you believe. Incidentally, I do understand how bad mothers can feel when you are a FTM with small children having been through it myself. I also realise it must be even more difficult with a child with special needs. However, I had PND, no family support except my husband and lived 200 miles from my relatives when dd was little. I am also older - mad, I know ! It was so, so hard when she was little - but I just wanted to be with her no matter what. I know some have to work for financial reasons, but staying at home is not an easy option. Sometimes being with small children is a lot tougher than getting away from them !

soapbox · 06/01/2006 18:21

Roaring with laughter at the notion of being 'blanked' on the WWW!

You write your opinions, people read them, if they particularly like them, or particularly don't like them, they tell you so, or comment on them! Sometimes, if you see someone that you have a good friendship with, you stop for a chat about the issue!

Erm, otherwise, that's it!

What would you like people to say about your posts? You've not exactly left much up for discussion in your views have you!

pucca · 06/01/2006 19:15

Soapbox...Yes understand what you are saying, but it also is not nice to spend time typing a post then for poster's to "chat" around you like you have said nothing.

Hope this explains what i mean by "blanked", I guess if people do not like what you are saying they just ignore.

pucca · 06/01/2006 19:15

Just to add...I am glad it made you "roar" with laughter, hilarious isn't it? other people having a opinion.

soapbox · 06/01/2006 19:18

Well, FWIW, yours is not a viewpoint I hold myself, so I wouldn't have agreed with it.

I had disagreed with posters saying the same thing as you, further down the thread, so it seemed pointless to say it all again!

Sorry if you felt left out but it didn't really evolve into a chat until quite a time after you posted

pucca · 06/01/2006 19:20

No problem, sorry for being OTT...hormonal atm (7 wk pg)

soapbox · 06/01/2006 19:21

Congratulations

pucca · 06/01/2006 19:22

Lol...thanks, feeling rather awful atm though, roll on end of sickness

Mercy · 06/01/2006 19:26

Pucca I do agree with you to some extent re being blanked (also agree with soapbox too).

MN is no different to RL sometimes!

pucca · 06/01/2006 19:27

It is my own fault for not reading the entire thread, far too long lol. I shouldn't have posted what had already been said, i can understand not wanting to repeat similar convo's.

Aloha · 06/01/2006 19:29

Ah the old pregnancy rage. Lovely, isn't it?

pucca · 06/01/2006 19:30

Aloha...pmsl, it is fabulous

Aloha · 06/01/2006 19:31

you should have seen my posts - and enid's iirc!

soapbox · 06/01/2006 19:31

Mmmmm, yes dummies spring to mind

MaloryTowers · 06/01/2006 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovecloud · 06/01/2006 19:46

just read through again quickly and can see that alot of people agree and think working part time is good for mum and children.

the children get interaction with other children, social skills and learn.

we get to pleasure from working (if you enjoy your job) or like to earn your cut in the money coming in etc.

i work part time and alot of my freinds do, we have no guilt as the children get a slice of everything, we all meet up on days off for activities with kids and weekends are family time.

my friends who work part time, feel guilty all the time about missing out on valuable time with their children or one or two i know feel guilty because they know they are working just for their benefit when they dont financially need to.

they actually cut off from us for quite awhile as they did not want to admit this but have since.

one of them was offered this fantastic job which she took and loves, she travels all around the world every other month but sometimes for two weeks at a time.

she gets in at 7pm, her little boy goes to sleep at 7.30pm. i feel for him, he was always a mummmies boy before she started back at work and now on rare occasion when we see her, the little boy clings onto his mummy instead of playing with the kids. she has told me she feels bad and i never know what to say. i cant be false and say "oh dont worry about" but i cant!

i feel for her boy.

can a job really be better than being with your child.

i am sure she could of worked part time, yes she may not have her house and would still be renting but so what. are houses and saving really the reason to live???

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