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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
lovecloud · 06/01/2006 19:48

sorry the following should read "full time" - pregnancy brains!!!

my friends who work part time, feel guilty all the time about missing out on valuable time with their children or one or two i know feel guilty because they know they are working just for their benefit when they dont financially need to.

soapbox · 06/01/2006 19:52

Lovecloud - I think if I were you I'd concentrate on your own life and leave your friend to sort out hers.

We don't all have the same needs or wants from our lives and judging others because they make different choices from the ones we would, is highly distateful and comes across as incredibly narrow minded TBH!

Flossam · 06/01/2006 19:55

I hate these threads. Always make me feel bad whatever I am doing with my work life balance at the time.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 19:56

chat pucca? blimey I thought I was baring my soul. We did move threads and soapbox mentioned she was worried we were hijacking.

getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 19:58

I think that's true soapbox- and I also think that no-one ever understands what is going on in another persons life, and therefore why they make the decisions they do. I have enough problems of my own without worrying about what other people are doing....

lockets · 06/01/2006 20:01

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soapbox · 06/01/2006 20:03

I always think of WWW, a poster who I have a lot of time for on here, who is currently working away from home all week, every week and only home for the weekend.

She's not in a position where she has a lot of choice over things right now and I feel so upset thinking of someone like her reading this thread and feeling like her love for her children is being questioned!

It is probably upsetting enough being away from them all week, but being told that you love them less because you do so, or horror that they will love you less, must be quite intolerable!

We don't all have the same lives and a little bit of support and tolerance for those that are living a life different to ours (like yours is Jimjams) goes a helluva long way!

megandsoph · 06/01/2006 20:06

lovecloud

sorry pal but not everyone can just work part time or even want to work part time.

mojomummy · 06/01/2006 20:07

soapbox - I think your post sounds judgemental !

Lovecloud is just posting her thoughts - isn't this what MN is all about ?

lockets · 06/01/2006 20:09

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soapbox · 06/01/2006 20:09

Whatever

getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 20:10

I always laugh at the people who look at me disapprovingly because I sent ds2 to nursery at 2, when I was a SAHM. At home his role model was a severely autistic elder brother- and he was starting to do some very odd things (books were for sniffing, not reading). He went to nursery and thrived - surrounded by normality and his peer group.

I tend to think there must be 101 things going on in people's lives that I know nothing about and that they make their decisons based on that. I do think the original sister in the opening post sounds a bit extreme - but I suspect a lot of the "judging" comes from the fact she is the posters sister. - And because she was criticised ofr going to work PT, the double standards would annoy me...

lockets · 06/01/2006 20:10

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soapbox · 06/01/2006 20:10

No Lockets - it was reinforcing the point just made by Jimjams

Yours was indeed very supportive of people being able to choose

soapbox · 06/01/2006 20:11

Hee hee - cross posting all over hte place.

The 'whatever' was to Mojomummy not you

lockets · 06/01/2006 20:12

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lockets · 06/01/2006 20:12

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harpsichordcarrier · 06/01/2006 20:16

this thread is very good natured I must say
can I ask a (genuine) question?
would you think it is legitimate to feel and possibly express concern regarding the effect of some parents' choices regarding the way they choose to raise their children? because I do, frankly, on occasion. I don't think as a matter of principle the parents' choice should be considered sacrosanct. some parents make lousy choices. not thinking of anyone in particular btw, just a general question.

Flossam · 06/01/2006 20:16

I am going to have to go back to work full time in the next few months. I'm not looking forward to it, but financially it will be necessary for us to sort ourselves out. However, DS has only had me and Dp looking after him since I returned to work, and DS will only hopefully be attending a childminders for two days a week. So although I will be at work full time, DS will still be spending the vast majority of his time at home with his parents. It sounds good in principle of course. Suspect that not everything will be quite as rosy.

lockets · 06/01/2006 20:18

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Flossam · 06/01/2006 20:19

I THINk we all do it. We might not admit to it but we do. I also think that some people do it to me too - the other day for example when I was trying to convince 14month old DS to walk nicely next to me on his reigns. I could tell they were thinking I was a terrible mummy for trying to get him to walk, but in reality had had to carry him into town to get bread and milk after ever so thoughtful DP drove to work with the buggy in the back. I ended up walking further away from home in the end, to get the bus back home again.

soapbox · 06/01/2006 20:20

Harpsi - I think recognising different people make different choices is fine. Even perhaps to say it's not a choice you would make yourself for xxxx reasons.

I think what gets my goat, is where the choice made by the other parent is equated to either lack of love for their child, or states that the quality of care shown by the parent will lead to damaged children in the long run!

I just don't think that's on, frankly.

harpsichordcarrier · 06/01/2006 20:21

yes but soapbox what if you think the choice might lead to damage to the child?

soapbox · 06/01/2006 20:23

I think perhaps that thought is better kept to one's self

There are so many variables in what turns out a 'good un' that it would be pure conjecture anyway.

I do it myself though at times, but always kick myself for it afterwards

soapbox · 06/01/2006 20:25

It is often easy enough to mean that without saying it.

E.g. I really don't agree with smacking children, as I would worry that they would turn out to think that violence is okay.

Is probably a better way of saying - 'you will turn your child into an axe murdered if you keep hitting him'!

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