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Original poster

Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

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ZebraInCA · 05/01/2006 18:54

Haven't time to read the whole thread or get embroiled with it, but I tend to feel the same as you Sugarbaby. Not so much about the nursery during weekdays, but spending

cod · 05/01/2006 18:57

Message withdrawn

Enid · 05/01/2006 18:57

not trendy as far as I know and not from muji sadly

but plain thick denim, very nice (unisex too, dh has been known to wear it to chop wood )

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cod · 05/01/2006 18:59

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Klauz33 · 05/01/2006 19:00

Well said Prufrock - my experience too. Went back to work after one child full time and had great childcare. Found it difficult to connect to my baby on maternity leave.

But after I had number two everything just became much more difficult and I missed my toddler. Spent a lovely maternity leave, after I had number two, getting to know him and developing his confidence.

Working full time or part time and being a parent (especially after number 2) is incredibly stressful. If you are at home as a SAHM everything is more relaxed, you build support networks.. I used to come in from work after a highly stressful long tiring day to be greated with these small people who demanded and deserved a piece of me.

Maybe your sister will suprise you and after no 2 is born will go part time or give up her job. That often happens, in my experience as the full stress of working full time becomes apparent.

Caligula · 05/01/2006 19:06

Here's the picture on my apron

apron

Nightynight · 05/01/2006 20:29

sugarbaby, you made a mistake with your original question! you should have asked "is my sister giving her son enough attention?" and diverted the flak from yourself!

fwiw, I dont think you are being judgemental, because you are part of your nephew's extended family, and frankly, it sounds to me as though your sister has lost the plot a bit. I have done that myself, working away from home, when the only way to cope is to make yourself forget what family life is like.
How is your nephew going to feel when the new baby comes along, and from necessity, will have 100% parents time during the first few weeks. A discerning toddler could easily pick up on the comparison with how much parental time he is used to.
Can you offer to have your nephew one day a week, as somebody suggested, a practical way to help instead of just worrying?

Nightynight · 05/01/2006 20:32

the Che Guavara apron btw.
I was looking at tabards today in our local supermarket, they do gorgeous ones in France. Decided they were too expensive and then went and blew a fortune on marrons glaces and liqueur chocs.

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 20:36

SB, have you spoken to your sister and asked if there's anything you can do?

soapbox · 05/01/2006 20:46

The poor women, is holding down a full time job, commuting, doing the drop off and pick up from nursery, the housework, the domestic admin, the cooking, ironing, child care for the time her child is at home. She has probably just finished buying presents, wrapping them, writing christmas cards, organising christmas food and drinks etc etc etc. And she is pregnant! Perhaps the poor woman is just so F8cking exhausted she had to sleep!

And Enid, was it not you recently who was completely pooped out from being pregnant?

The child is at her grandparen's house for one day at the weekend - the OP doesn't say how long this arrangement ahs been in place - perhaps only since she fell pregnant and is feeling rough!

Perhaps she only got pregnant so that she could get some maternity leave from work to spend with her family and enjoy a less stressful time for a while.

Honestly, you wouldn't want to have to rely on some of you here for support when the chips were down would you!

snowleopard · 05/01/2006 20:51

Haven't read whole thread so forgive me if I double up. But this made me think of a book I read about mothering that said children need to form a bond with a mother figure, but it might not be their mother. It sounds as if your nephew's "mother" is his gran, and as long as she is a good mother figure to him, he will be OK. (Along with childcare staff, assuming he has a good bond with them.) But I do agree with sugarbaby that something's a bit wrong if the parents aren't interested in spending time with their son on their time off work. Yes everyone needs a breather, but not every weekend and it is possible to relax and have fun with kids, isn't it? Even housework and shopping - you can involve kids in it (I know my DS is only a baby but I've looked after other people's kids and if you get them to help, they enjoy it!) It does make you wonder why people have kids if they don't want to be with them.

drosophila · 05/01/2006 20:52

I always remember reading once that in order to be a good parent you must lok after yourself first. Regardless of whether you are a SAHM or a WOHM this applies.

soapbox · 05/01/2006 20:52

Why would his gran be his mother figure when he spends more time with his mother than his gran?

drosophila · 05/01/2006 20:57

When it comes to critising other parents choices who do you think throws the first blow (so to speak)? SAHMs or WOHMs?

Personally I have always kept my mouth shut in RL about this sensitive subject but I have had direct and indirect comments made to me about working and they were never positive comments.

Nightynight · 05/01/2006 20:58

soapbox, I have done all of that work. still think it's losing the plot to see your child only 1 day a week.

who are you doing all the work for at the end of the day? the parents benefit or the childs?

lockets · 05/01/2006 20:59

This reply has been deleted

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soapbox · 05/01/2006 21:02

And of 340 posts so far, there has been very few questioning the role of the father in all of this!

NN - I said that we may not have the full picture - perhaps she is only dropping them at her mum's while she is getting over the early stages of pregnancy! The point is that by any standards the woman in question is likely to be knackered and may not be in a fit state to think straight about everything! Maybe he's not sleeping well at night, maybe she's not. Who knows!

Caligula · 05/01/2006 21:03

Well Sugarbaby hasn't come back to elucidate on all the finer points...

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 21:04

Parents and children all benefit if your house isn't repossessed, a situation we'd find ourselves in if we didn't both work.

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 21:06

Soapbox, I started a thread about fathers working and seeing their children very rarely and society thinking that's "the norm" a while back - women bash women like nobody else, IMO.

Elibean · 05/01/2006 21:12

Good point re fathers, and women bashing themselves aka each other up: made me think of the thread somewhere today about girls being horrible to each other at primary school. Probably where it all starts. Though (ooo a paradox) have to say IME women also support women like no one else.

Nightynight · 05/01/2006 21:20

I think this particular thread started because sugarbaby was talking about her sis. could just as easily have been her brother.

I am in the trad male position of hardly ever seeing my children, and it sucks.

Mercy · 05/01/2006 21:31

Agree Nightynight. And speaking as the child of a full time working mother, that sucks too.

It's not exactly a win win situation

Mercy · 05/01/2006 22:30

well as it looks like I've killed this thread, I'll just say that if Sugarmag's sister was a single parent I'm sure no-one would bat an eyelid at the situation.

At the end of the day it seems like it may be an issue between Sugarmag and her mum re the amount of attention the sister and her child get.

Sugarmag - are you ok?

snowleopard · 05/01/2006 22:46

I based my "mothering" comments on this:
"in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion."

And I agree, there's nothing wrong with WOH and I wasn't criticising either parent for doing that. I was saying it's sad that neither of them would rather be with their son all weekend when they are not at work. That includes the dad. For example couldn't pregnant sister have a nice lie-in and rest while hubby gets up and takes his son to the supermarket and then they could cook for her together? Then Dad could do the housework while Mum plays with the son? I don't see why having their son around means they would never get a break and they and he are missing out on having as much family life as they could be - I think that is a bit sad.

However it's true it could just be for the purposes of pregnancy...

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