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Am I being too judgmental?

467 replies

sugarbaby · 05/01/2006 09:36

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS. My sister on the other hand has a 2 and a half year old DS and works full-time. Her DS goes to nursery from 8 in the morning until approx 5 at night, he has breakfast, lunch and dinner there. Well that?s all very well I guess, I guess not everyone is as lucky as I am and can afford to stay at home. However, not only does my nephew spend every day at nursery during the week, but on weekends, he spends at least one day with my mother or my sister?s MIL so that they can ?do things around the house?. Things like cleaning, shopping, clearing out the spare bedroom .. all the things the rest of us seem to manage perfectly well with a child around at the same time. In fact at Chrittmas my BIL said that they don't actually know what toys their DS plays with because he's at home so little. The clincher came this week, my sister has a week?s holiday. Perfect time one might think for spending time with her DS as she doesn?t get much time normally? Her DS however is back at nursery, full-time, not only that, he?s still being dropped off at 8 in the morning in time for his breakfast. I mentioned this in passing to my mother and she said, ?well he can?t stay off for too long now can he, he might not want to go back, and besides, she needs a rest?! Now please someone tell me I?m not being too judgmental, I just feel this just isn?t right! My sister is constantly encouraged to leave her child and seems more than happy to do so, I, on the other hand, was severely criticised when I decided not to go back to work. I mean it's one thing wanting or needing to work, but she's going to miss out on so much of his growing up? It's actually at the point now where my nephew has no confidence other than when in a nursery environment or at my mother or my house (him and my DS do play together sometimes), in fact my DS actually thinks that my mother is my nephew's mummy, and my nephew has called my mum mummy on more than one occasion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
soapbox · 05/01/2006 22:51

How interesting that interpretations differ so much!

It was the same illogicality in that sentence that made me think that this was more about Supermag than about her sister and that her reporting of the situation was somewhat biased

Her DS is only occasionally at her mums house at teh same time as her nephew and her DS would not be aware that every time his cousin is not with his mum - so how on earth would the child reach that conclusion?! Bizarre!

soapbox · 05/01/2006 22:52

oops - should read 'would not be aware that at any other time...'

hunkermunker · 05/01/2006 22:54

Soapbox, I thought the same as you. I think there's a lot to this situation that the OP isn't telling us because it doesn't fit in with judging her sister the way she wants to.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

pucca · 05/01/2006 23:04

I haven't read allthe posts on here, read the first few and wanted to add my outlook if that is ok lol...

I am a SAHM, we sacrifice things so i can stay at home with our dd,and i am glad we chose to do this and we are in no means well off at all! We would be if i worked full time, but when i was pg it was decided that i would be a SAHM until our child/children went to school.(i am pg atm)

I have a SIL who is very similar to the OP's sister, both her kids aged 3 and 18mth are looked after full time by their grandparents (sil is lucky in that way) yet at weekends the kids are bundled off on anyone...neighbours, grandparents etc so the parents can have days out shopping, and nights out too...my SIL says that she works to give her children the life they have yet they walk around in 2nd hand clarks shoes etc, and i feel they don't really have any stability in their life....i am being judgemental i know.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both though.

My neice and nephew don't have any seperation anxiety, my dd does as obviously she is with me all the time, Yet i still do not regret our decision for me to stay at home, i may be old fashioned but i do believe a child should be with their mother while young, WE live by our means...and as someone said earlier in the thread, a child needs attention not material things.

bossykate · 05/01/2006 23:13

ok i know i said i would stay away...

soapbox - agree re yr 8.46 post...

just to be devil's advocate...

say there was a sahm posting here saying that it had all got too much and that she desperately needed a break. the family finances or family support would allow her one day off per week. i bet the bulk of the responses would be along the lines - if you can afford it/have the support just go for it etc etc.

but if a wohm wants the same - i.e. one day off per week, she is vilified...

ps - prufrock m'dear thanks for your support and i will respond to your kind email v soon!

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:16

but it isn't about the mum and having a day off, it's about the child hardly seeing his parents.

soapbox · 05/01/2006 23:19

Jimjams - maybe it is about a knackered, pregnant mother at the end of her tether getting a few Saturday's off over the busy Christmas period

There are some clear illogicalities in teh OP's posts that mean that all of it may be a biased view. On that basis it makes it quite hard to tell.

Of course the situation for the child as portrayed is less than optimum, but maybe for a short time it's the best she can do!

bossykate · 05/01/2006 23:20

jimjams, don't disagree, that's why i said "devil's advocate". i would not be happy with the situation described. but otoh, my point was to illustrate what i said earlier - if you woh you have so much less time to negotiate the different needs of the various family members - e.g. child's need to see parents, parents need to have time w/o kids.

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:25

Parents needs to have time without the kids??? non-compute non-compute.

soapbox · 05/01/2006 23:26

AS soon as I saw BK's post, I knew you would write that!

Some people just don't have your stamina Or your choices (or lack of them)

bossykate · 05/01/2006 23:26

you mean you don't need it or you have no chance of getting it? if the former, well done to you, i am not worthy etc etc - if the latter, join the club!

bossykate · 05/01/2006 23:28

i am picturing the three of us (jj, sb, bk) as circling harpies around this thread in the dead of night - as it were

soapbox · 05/01/2006 23:29

Moaning on about having no 'me' time - well that's how we bl**dy get it, we stay up well into the night, knackering ourselves in the process!

Mad aren't we

bossykate · 05/01/2006 23:35

pmsl i have to go to bed now, looking forward to another pre 6am start! not.

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:37

I need it- I've been near the end of my tether for the 1st time since becoming a mum recently. Absolutely no chance of getting it. Actually we did get some time together in November, but I'm not sure a PECS conference counts. (although I did get to meet Davros and JakB so it had extra advantages).

bossykate · 05/01/2006 23:40

and i'm sure you have even less chance of getting a break than most of us no a PECS conference doesn't count...

soapbox · 05/01/2006 23:41

Jimjams - anything in particular, or just more of the same?

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:44

ds3 is very active (one of those babies that is into everything- never had one of those before). Supervising him and ds1 is impossible. Also doing my masters (which I love- very interesting) but more work. Ds1 just gets harder work as he gets older as well- but that will continue. It'll be easier this time next year- ds3 will be 2 by then so completely mobile.

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:45

What heading does that come under? More of the same??

soapbox · 05/01/2006 23:48

Hmmm, harder more of the same?

Is it DS1's increasing size that makes it harder, or is he becoming more physical as he gets older?

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:55

He's just very different from when he was 3 (and ds2 was a baby). Then we could go to places like farms, zoos (not the beach- he wouldn't), even cafes. Now we just can't. If we went to a farm he'd leg round it in 5 minutes and then want to leave, and keep trying to leave and scream if we didn't go. Ditto zoo (although being bigger I guess one of us could walk him round in ever decreasing circles whilst the other went round with the other 2). Cafes - he does with school now for a snack- but that;'s maybe 20 minutes and structured in a way we can't be with 2 others. At 3 he would have sat in a cafe and ate- now he just runs out of it.

he's fine if he can keep walking (providing its not under trees) but won't stop.

Last weekend we met friends and went to the beach. DH + 1 friend wen running off all over the beach with ds1. I walled with ds2 and ds3 + other friend. When ds1 had exhausted everything we had to go back to the car- we were there for maybe 1/2 hour (that's long for us) 40 minute drive in each direction.

I don't know - we can't do play zones as he just runs into the toilets continually or watched the slush puppyu and won't go on the equipment. One person glued to him so the other can't supervise ds2 and ds3.

We can go to one friends house (autism proof) but anywhere else one of us has to be following him around (in people's beds, in the garden- wandering around the house) he wont stay in 1 room and settle.

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:56

eaten I mean- oh dear it's late!

soapbox · 05/01/2006 23:56

I've found your other thread!

Dinosaur · 06/01/2006 09:43

Prufrock - I thought that was a great post. BK - agree with a lot of what you say, too.

whitecloud · 06/01/2006 13:04

I freely admit I haven't read all this thread, but here are my "judgmental" views. What's the point of having a child if you never see it ? If you have to work, OK, but I see no excuse for not putting the child first in the time off you have even if that means neglecting the housework etc a bit. As a SAHM whose dd is now ten nothing can compare with the close relationship we have built up. I do work but I have always fitted it around her and I know am lucky to be able to do so financially. Whatever happened to the sense of duty of being a mother, of sacrificing things for the good of you child, including some time to yourself and some material wealth for your child's welfare ? Time, emotional input, love - there's no price on these things but we will pay as a society when emotionally neglected children start rebelling or suffering when they are older.

If we don't spend time with them now before we know it they will be grown up and gone. They'll be like strangers.