Am always so nasty to DS1 (long post, sorry)

[Maizie]

I had PND after the birth of DS1 and, even though he is now 7, it is like I've been making him pay for it ever since. I had 2 more children after him, with no PND, and I've always been a real mum to them - caring, loving, always hugging them and saying I love them. But it is very different with DS1. I do love him but when I tell him the words just sound hollow, and he knows that. I shout at him all the time for no reason, I blame him for everything that happens or goes wrong, even if it's nothing to do with him. Sometimes it's like I almost get satisfaction out of seeing his little face crumple. I feel that I need some sort of help because I think this is a form of child abuse and several times I've been tempted to call Childline on DS1's behalf. Things seem to have got worse lately and my mum is starting to comment on how I treat DS1 differently to the others. The thing is, this gets my back up because I feel my mum is criticising me and then DS1 gets the brunt of it. I need help and I want help but I'm scared to talk to anyone about this because I'm worried DS1 will be taken away from me or be put on the at-risk register or something. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Oh Maizie - I think it is very brave of you to admit it and you are already doing something about it by doing so. i have no experience of this sort of thing and dont really know what to suggest to you. I would start by phoning someone anonymously for advice and childline seems a good place to start. I would avoid the HV route for now as it seems to be a lottery as to the quality of advice you receive.

I'm sure it is a common problem especially in cases of PND. Are you sure that ds1 is really affected by it - perhaps some of it is in your mind as the eldest is often blamed in my experience - part of life! Perhaps he is not as aware of a difference as you think.

best of luck

Hi Maizie, I hate to say that this is a form of child abuse. Please talk to someone, they will not take ds1 from you they will try and help you analyse the problem. Your GP can arrange a general counselling session or you could seek more specific help.

Would definitely start with your GP though, or maybe, would talking to a friend help?

I know this is going to sound cliched but try counting to 10 next time you're about to shout at him.

please please get some help, as a child my mom constantly belittled me and favoured my younger brother, i was always at fault and could never do right in her eyes.
i do see it as a form of child abuse and just thinking now about how your son must be feeling is making me cry.
i have a very tense relationship now with my mother, i can never forgive her for the misery she caused me, she now trys very hard to get on with me but i dont feel that she deserves my love now.

you know that you are doing it, you know its not acceptable so please get help.
can you imagine how he must feel to see you hug and kiss your other children, leaving him out.
take it from me his poor little heart must be in shreds.

he wont be taken away from you, contact the nspcc they will have advisors in your area who can help you, they are there not to "take children away"
but to help families and to help parents in your situation.
i cannot stress how important it is for you to get help, dont be scared, people do want to help.

Just wanted to add also that children often misbehave for attention - he sees the other getting love and he wants your attention too.

Your post bought tears to my eyes, I don't want to sound harsh as I think you're very brave for admitting this. I truly hope you can get this sorted out. my heart really goes out to your boy.

Maizie - I am shocked at your post, especially the "satisfaction at seeing his face crumple". You know you are doing it! So give the child a break and GET HELP!

Is your partner around?

I can't be as understanding as everyone else.... I'm actually disgusted.

Maizie - I don't have any experience of PND and don't think that those of us who haven't it can imagine what it is like & what the longterm affects can be. I think Hughsie has given good advice about contacting Childline. I also think you are very brave to admit this and that by doing so you've taken the first step in resolving the situation. I wish you all the best.

What about talking to Parentline?

I still suffer from PND. There are many forms, thankfully mine didn't result in my child suffering.

But seriously, some people have a strange concept of bravery!

Thanks for the replies.
M2T, I am not here for sympathy. I know you feel disgusted with me and I know you'll find it hard to believe but I, too, am disgusted with the way I behave and I hate myself for it. I have posted on here because I would like some advice on what to do to stop this situation. I am too ashamed to talk to friends about this.

M2T, I think it is brave to admit this sort of thing. So many people don't admit this stuff and then it goes on for years and years. Standing up and admitting it is the first step to getting the situation sorted.

If people think that others will be disgusted with them they won't tell anyone and the situation will get worse.

Maizie

Please ignore some of the barbed comments on here (my aren't we al perfect mummies today). Are you over the PND? If so forget it. Also forget the guilt- it does no good. it sounds as if you have got into a habit of talking to your ds1 in a particular way. Give yourself a week (maybe after half term?) and see if you can change this. So everytime you go to say something negative replace it with something positive. You can still tell him off- for example rather than "don't do that" say "come away", or deflect with "come and help me do x". It's amazing what difference this makes. I had to do it with ds1 because he has language problems- but it soon becomes second nature.

Good luck. I would second www's suggestion as well- good luck.

Maizie - I'm sure that most people don't think you are after sympathy but realise you have posted because you want to change things. Hadn't heard of Parentline - sounds as if they could be helpful. Good luck

first step in recognising you have a problem. you need to spend time alone with your 7 yr old child without the other children.
is he the oldest?

i treat my eldest differently - give him more responsability etc. than i ever would the other two. i dont treat my children fairly - but then am not cruel.

i actually think that at age 7 kids are fab they are less of a pain in the arse and are more independant.

my eldest gets time out from the other two - friday night - sod the others of to bed and he gets a treat - share in a pizza or curry - just some crisp or toast if we are skint.

whilst you are doing this you need to ask your doctor about parenting classes and see if you can talk to a social worker or even if the community psychiatric nurse can help.

your child is seven years old and i am glad you recognise your problem and hope you will seek help. but he is just a baby he wants his mummy. he loves you like he loves no ther person, you are his mentor, his sun and his moon, his lifeline. you have the power to make things right, the power to make father christmas and the toothfairy exist and to make a cut from a fall disappear with a kiss. you have the power to make every memory in his little head happy and wonderful.

you are being a bully maizy, please help yourself to help your precious unique child.

Custardo, that is so lovely. Good kick up the arse for me and puts things in perspective. Good luck, Maizie.

Maizie

Please contact Parentline or a PND helpline or something. You need to do something about this and fast.

I, for one, think you are very brave, as to admit to something like this to fellow mothers is very difficult.

I'm glad that most of us acknowledge how truly shocking and frightening PND can be

Maizie, research a few years ago on PND showed that having PND can affect your relationship with a child, particularly boys, later on in childhood. So, you are not alone, this is a recognised after effect of PND and there will be others in the same position.

You've now acknowledged there's a problem and you've got good advice here to get you started on dealing with it so you're tackling the issue already. I wish you and your ds all the best.

Maizie have things changer recently because you said this a whil ago...

By Maizie on Sunday, 6 July, 2003 12:19:07 PM

Daisylawn, bet you didn't realise what a hornet's nest you'd stir by asking this question!

ExpatKat, I truly feel for you.

And as for me, I have to say I agree with Maryz - I have 3 children and love them all equally but for different reasons as they are each unique and they are all at different stages/ages and they need me to show my love in different ways.
I'm going to give each of them a big hug now.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Maizie, your honesty is the most valuable thing here. So many people fail to recognise when they need help, or are afraid to face up to the truth about what is inside them. Whether there has been a change since the post CW has identified, or whether you have faced up to something you were afraid to see before, I cannot see why anyone should be anything other than supportive of you in the journey forwards from here. For myself, I wish you a succesful recovery from this position.

M2T: Frankly, I am surprised that anyone would be so hostile to someone on MN who is asking for help to address a negative situation. If you wish to eply to that comment, please start a new thread, as Maizie's question is too important to be diverted into inter-MN politics.

I too think you are very brave to stand up to this.BUT please please do get help to sort things out,Iwas the child who didn't bond with it's mother due to PND we have never really sorted it out and things only really came to a head when I was 35!She still treats me differently etc.Don't let it happen like this for you.

For what it's worth I have a theory that what really needs to happen is for you to get to know each other and form that special bond that would have been formed in the first few weeks but was missed because of the PND and I am sure with some hard work you will achieve that as you sound like you have the will to do this.Can't post any more now as baths call but my thoughts are with you.

Good Luck and well done!

Maizie,

Just to echo the supportive messages. I also think you are brave for confronting and facing up to this rather taboo problem - it takes guts and self awareness. The worst 'crime' is to be blissfully ignorant of the harm you are doing to your children, and blase or unaware of your mistakes. I sincerely hope that you can get some constructive help to deal with this. As others have said I seriously doubt that you will have ds1 taken away from you if you seek help - nobody is going to penalise you for being a responsible parent.

However I am very worried about your son (as I know you are). Experiences like this can have a profound effect on children's personality, and deeply influence how they relate to others as an adult. He might have difficulties forming close loving relationships in later life. I'm sure you don't want to saddle him with this damaging baggage.

Please keep us posted on how you get on and what you decide to do. I'm worrying about both of you now

Hi Maizie,

I find it's harder with my eldest, too. What really helps us both is, as Custardo suggested, spending time with just the two of us. Could your husband watch the little ones while you guys did something fun and relatively non-stressful, eg watching a film at the theatre? It's easier to appreciate my eldest when my youngest isn't around. Or, again as Custardo suggested, let him stay up late one night a week and have takeaway and watch a "grown up" video (something appropriate for him but not the tots). My son likes Harry Potter; I like it too it's fun watching it together. Another thing that helps me is asking him every day what his best part of the day was. I feel much more part of his life then he's growing away from me (necessarily; he's started school and has new friends, etc) and it helps to bring me closer to him again. Not sure that all came out right and please take only what you feels applies to your situation.

Can you see your GP about depression again? It would probably help you to talk over things with someone who will be nonjudgmental, supportive and who wants to help you work toward a solution.

Hi Maizie

How are you feeling now? Hope you aren't regretting posting for help on here and that you'll be able to use some of the advice here.

I do have a lot of sympathy for you because I tend to be harder on my eldest dd as well. I love her the same as I love all my children, but I do expect more from her. Reading this thread has made me realise that I need to back off a bit.

I really hope that you get things sorted with your son as soon as you can. I'll be thinking about you. x

One 'trick' that can often help you change your behaviour is 'acting' - even if you don't really love your child, you pretend you do, and act as if you do. So instead of criticising, you praise, instead of pushing away, you cuddle. At first it doesn't matter how you feel inside or whether your actions are genuine, they help you form a new habit, and the reaction from your child will reinforce your new habits and very, very often the things you start pretending soon become true feelings. So remind yourself deliberately that today you are going to pretend as if your son is your favourite child, and that you adore and admire him. Don't worry about the hollow feeling, just go through the motions and the emotions very often follow. Also agree about seeking out some help. Counselling from someone used to PND would be great. Do call Childline. You can be anonymous and they will help, I am sure. The social services are in no hurry to take children away, they have enough on their plate. Being aware and open about the problem and wanting to change is very much the first step to real change. Good luck and keep posting, please.

I think that's great advice from aloha- and really what I was trying to suggest. Just force yourself to use positive phrases and soon it becomes very natural.

Maizie - no disparaging comments here...however, I have been in your ds1's shoes. It does get noticed, even at an early age, and it does last into adulthood. Please try to get help, as you know you are doing it, and there is help out there. I get on with my Mum now, but not in a mother/daughter way. It breaks my heart to think that both of you could lose that special relationship, as I did.

Having been on the other end of this sort of situation, I feel that I could be in a position to lecture and belittle you. However, you don't need this. I only wish the help had been there when my mum was in your shoes. It might have meant that I had a mum that I could share my love with, instead of what I did get, which was a harsh comparison to what my sister got

I am welling up now...good luck with getting help. Give that little darling a big cuddle tomorrow, and tey to mean it. You both deserve it.

M2T - shame on you