Baby care - boring, relentless, sleep-depriving, all consuming SHITNESS

[BigGingerCat]

I've read so many threads lately, in the sleep, breastfeeding, and parenting sections of this site (am a regular poster who name changes for the controversial stuff) where people post their problems like:

My child wakes up every hour!
My child has fed fifteen times today, nipples bleeding, haven't left the sofa
Teething pain - nothing works

....and I wonder how these posters, who have it way worse than I do, are not jibbering wrecks or in prison for throwing their babies across a room.

I have a five month old (nearly). I am so tired of looking after him (but don't regret having him - can't imagine a world without him in it). But my friends and people on here seem to just happily accept the all-consuming UTTER CRAPNESS of it and I would love to know how. My DH is getting bored and sick of it too and we are snapping at each other.

I honestly can't be arsed with DS today and I'm not having my smug oh-so-caring MIL coming round to "help" and see me anything less than perfectly calm and chirpy with her precious grandson, fuck no, she'd try to wheedle her way in to co-parent even more than she already wants to!

I can't be bothered giving him any baby rice today as we've started to, as he was eating vast volumes of milk - literally I can't face doing any more than shoving a bottle in his face. He is downstairs snoozing in his cot - the more he sleeps the less chance of me shouting at him today for something, which I feel AWFUL about when I do (poss once a week) - the rest of the time I can control it, just. How do other people NOT lose their tempers with their babies when tired/bored/frustrated?

He's had yet another fucking cold and cough so have been up for hours all night listening to him but not being able to help him really. Am wondering why the hell I bother to breastfeed if all he does is get ill?

Just needed to get it all out before I explode. Am I really the only one who feels like this?

Goodness, BigGingerCat, you sound really at the end of your tether. I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult. Have you considered whether you might have PND? It sound as if you could really benefit from talking things through with someone outside the family - possibly your GP? Or HV? Hopefully someone will come and post who has some experience of who to contact, but just wanted to say I'm really sorry for you and your DH, but most of all for your DS who needs you to feel better and show him you love him. To be honest, it might not be a bad idea to get some help from your MIL - perhaps ask her to take him for a day, and you have a day to yourself? I am a bit worried about your situation, because you sound close to snapping and that would be awful for your baby who cannot help being a baby. You really need to reach out for some support. Good luck. x

I agree with wolfhound - you should talk to your GP.

Caring for children IS relentless, I know how you feel, but the crap can usually be counteracted by the smiles and the snuggles....

please try and get some help - you should be enjoying your little boy, 5 months is a magical age....

I know. I'm so up and down. Some bits are fantastic and we do have loads of cuddles, I do all the stuff that I'm supposed to do. I would never ever physically hurt him. I'm more likely to break my hand punching a wall or something - but all I've done is thrown the odd cushion - and never at the baby.

So how do other people physically cope with the boredom, sleep deprivation etc? I go to baby groups, we do classes, go for walks. Nothing really helps some days. It's just so dull dull dull and when you get a broken night too it just makes it worse as there are even more waking hours when you've got to actively parent.

How can some people just shrug it off and get on with it? That's what I don't understand. Like it's all normal and simply part of being a parent.... I can't seem to accept it at all!

do you get out to any local groups?
Being at home with a baby can be boring, lonely, relentless. It is all those things treblefold if you are feeling depressed and isolated.
Please talk to your HV or GP and check you don't have PND. Please be honest with them.
If you feel strongly that you are ok, and this is just a blip, contact your lcoal sure start centre (while they still exist...) and check out some of the groups and activities on offer. Just getting out of the house on a regular basis is good, talking to other mums is good, filling up some of your week with a framework is good!.

Look after yourself, and make sure there is some time in every day which is just for you. Tell your partner this is a neccessary thing, not an undulgence and stick to it.

It is a huge life change, and it just never stops.

For the coughs and colds-
Karvol plug ins are good as is a humidifier

Start keeping a small short mood diary so you can see if there is a pattern to how you feel/triggers. I used to feel like I was going to lose my mind round about 3/4pm every day. I booked us in to swimming lessons, make dates with mates, and so on as then I would get home, dinner, bath, bed. It made the late afternoons whizz by.

Talk to your GP/HV about how you feel

Do you have any good friends with babies, do you see them? I used to go to lost of baby groups, and did meet quite a few nice mums there, but I needed my girlfriends around so I could vent with them too.

I really didn't enjoy the small baby stage, and was very happy to go back to work tbh. It is a boring, repetitive stage imo.

I'd try to get out more - anywhere, anything to give your week a structure.

And it does get better - which isn't a lot of comfort in this most miserable bit of the year anyway, but soon you'll be able to just walk with the pushchair, colds will have dried up, and theres more on.

Oh, and everyone gets narked with it all - those who say not are telling fibs imo. You just tend to forget about them later

Hiya just wanted to say I don't think 5 months is a magical age ime it's pretty rubbish. Having had 2 babies with reflux and other probs I can hold up my hands and say I hate looking after small babies, it was a hellish time. Mine never really smiled or laughed or giggled or were in any way nice until at least 6 months, and by 5 months you've been slogging away with no reward and very little sleep for a very long time.

I did shout at DS1 to stop crying (there may have been a shut the fuck up once) but at an earlier stage. It has done him no harm and he doesn't remember, in fact he was so far in to a marathon screamathon he may not have even heard me. Still felt awful though. You def need to get out and about and in a routine even if they cry all the time when you are out. 6 months plus they start getting better, 8-12 month olds are pretty nice, toddlers are brilliant. It will get better, go a bit easier on yourself, sod the baby rice, let him sleep, put the TV on.

I have a three month old and I think it's the pressure to 'actively parent' that makes it hard and exhausting. I try to find ways to give myself a break. Sometimes I put him in the pram and walk for hours, when he's asleep I sit and have a coffee and read to get some time to myself. Also in the late afternoon when he has a sleep I go to bed as well and just rest. I've also started a new thing with my partner where he gives him a bath and story when he gets home from work, then I get some time off and it also gives the baby lots of attention/stimulation, which takes the pressure off me, and means I can have a bath and some time off in the early evening. It's fucking hard. I'm told it gets easier. And I have had moments where I've wanted to throw the baby out the window, you are not alone there. Gotta go, he's just woken up! Good luck. And remember when the summer comes it will get easier. Hard getting out when it's freezing.

Small babies are vile, I've had two and even though they're 6 and 3 now and (mainly) lovely and wouldn't have a third because I couldn't knowingly go through that phase again

It will get better. Soon. In the meantime keep going out as much as possible.

It is incredibly hard work being a parent - the way I have coped is to almost surrender myself to it completely and accept that at this young age DD needs me to be there ALL the time for her. It won't be like this forever though so at some point I will get to reclaim more time for myself - and now she is almost 2 I do get some time now and again - not a lot but more than I used to.

I really struggled with the adjustment when she was younger but I had to look deep inside my soul and ask myself why I was finding certain things challenging - was it due to my childhood, unmet needs from the way I was parented etc.. This really helped me.

Try to take breaks when you can to see friends, do things that you love. And I also got down about DD getting ill even though I was BF but they all get ill regardless - this does not make the benefits of breastmilk unimportant. Good luck - I hope things improve for you. It is really tough at times and I think that DD has taught me more than I'll ever be able to teach her.

I think it's sad how many of you didn't enjoy the small baby phase.. It's sooo short, really. and BTW, I am not talking s smug smugsipants who had dream babies.. DD had horrendous colic which meant we could never have anybody in the house of an evening because I was too mortified.. We took turns as much as we could but I did often just have to leave her lying in het cot crying for a few minutes while I wnt in to the next room to scream or cry.. DS didn't have colic but we had huge new baby jealousy from DD.. neither slept through til they were toddlers..
Where I'm trying to go with this is that I think that yes, it can be very hard.. And it's a huge adjustment.. But, boring? Not for me.
before I'm flamed for not being understanding, let me explain myself.. I agree with a pp that we put ourselves under incredible prressure to be actively parenting all day.. I think the mistake is not looking out for yourself a bit more.. I met loads of friends for lunch, coffee, a natter, whatever when my babies were tiny.. They will never be so portable again. You BF them, they have a look round and enjoy any old change and you get to walk though the park.. Sit down with a book.. Pop into an exhibition.. Whatever..
Maybe OP has PND.. In which case this is a very different story.. But I'm just trying to say that, in normal circumstances, there is no real need for it to be boring..
Now flame me

I agree Mamsnet. I think there is a huge pressure on mothers to be perfect, and to just give yourself over totally to motherhood. It's a tricky balancing act, looking after yourself and the baby. But i think (could be wrong) that the OP is having one of those days and sometimes it's good to rant and say how crap it is.

Hope it is just a bad day, OP.. And rant.. Rant away!! Don't be going pretending it's all a bed of roses all the time!!

Ok, boring is the least difficult thing to deal with. I do three groups a week, and have at least 2 visitors a week on different days. But sometimes even that's not enough as I can't fill every waking hour going somewhere with him, yet I'm too knackered to do more!

Thanks for your posts and advice, I have to hang on and hope it will get better. At 5am this morning after being up for two hours I was ready to have him adopted, and that's not the first time I have felt like that.

It's the sleep deprivation and the constant cycle of feeding, napping, crying, comforting, feeding that is so hard to bear. THAT's what's boring. How can anyone derive pleasure from a stage where you are like a zombie from lack of sleep and do the same thing, day in day out? (Don't know what it was that I was expecting, but it wasn't this!!)

don't compare yourself with other mothers.

Yes, it?s shit looking after a 5 month old baby ? too small to occupy himself, too big to sleep all day.
Also, you probably feel like shit on a stick after pregnancy and 5 months of breastfeeding.

Let your MIL take the baby away today. Have you any expressed milk? If not, a 5 month old will be alright without it for a few hours. I can see why you don?t feel up for a day of grimly ?cheerful? performing parenthood with MIL, but just let her take the baby out and do what you like at home. (Or go out if you like ? but if she takes the baby away then you can just decide and aren?t forced to pound the streets trying to pretend you give a shit about shops or something while you feel like crap)

It gets better. Children are much better than babies, and also, you will physically feel much, much better as he gets older. I don?t know when, but you will. For me, around 10 months was a big improvement. Then I actually had fun at my dd?s first birthday party (and there had been times when I thought I would never have real enjoyment again ? I mean actually sincerely and effortlessly enjoying something, rather than gritting your teeth and trying to look on the bright side of something that is actually exhausting and boring and rather sticky).

Now my daughter is nearly 2 and she has her own opinions and causes a lot more superficial trouble than a static 5 month old. But to me, she is far less trouble because she is a brilliant little person whom I want to spend time with without shrieking to the heavens for respite.

I am being rather over-dramatically grim about this but it?s because I hope it helps. There are times in your life when it helps to look on the bright side; but there are also times when it helps to articulate the unrelenting shit without pasting on the pangloss grin. I suspect you need to articulate the shit today. So get MIL on board, on your own terms, get the baby out of the way, and be free to feel how you feel for a little while.

Some people have babies who sleep, my first was by 5 months so I had a lovely time

Other people are fine on little sleep. It's an entirely individual thing. I'm not surprised you feel like this if at 5am you'd been up for two hours. I promise you, things will improve and for now go as easy on yourself as you can.

IMHO You need to get some discipline, systems and routines going so that baby eats sleeps and wakes when YOU want him to NOT when he wants to.

As a mother of twins it was essential for me - I would never have survived the sleep deprivation for much longer than I did. I was falling apart with only 3-4 hours sleep a night.

We used Gina Ford's 'Contented Baby Book' as our basis for getting some system into our shattered, and shattering, lives. I really recommend you give it a try for a couple of weeks. Only when you are really sleeping can you begin to feel human and cope with the long relentless days.

Sending 'stiff upper lip' vibes your way.

Discipline for a five month old???!

Discipline for the mother - silly person!!

x-posted with mamsnet

It's really unhelpful to suggest that the OP should be able to enjoy lunches with friends and exhibitions etc if she doesn't. Maybe she is just too tired. And it is really unhelpful to say ?it?s sad how many of you didn?t enjoy the tiny baby phase? ? yes the OP is feeling, among other things, sad. Don?t make her feel guilty about it as well.

I could get quite cross about your post because the remark about small babies being ?portable? really presses my buttons. It doesn?t help to be putting even more pressure on people to be dragging their weary bodies about the world.

don't compare yourself with other mothers, OP.

As in self-discipline - duh!

Vezzie "Yes, it?s shit looking after a 5 month old baby ? too small to occupy himself, too big to sleep all day."

Couldn't put it better myself