Baby care - boring, relentless, sleep-depriving, all consuming SHITNESS

[BigGingerCat]

I've read so many threads lately, in the sleep, breastfeeding, and parenting sections of this site (am a regular poster who name changes for the controversial stuff) where people post their problems like:

My child wakes up every hour!
My child has fed fifteen times today, nipples bleeding, haven't left the sofa
Teething pain - nothing works

....and I wonder how these posters, who have it way worse than I do, are not jibbering wrecks or in prison for throwing their babies across a room.

I have a five month old (nearly). I am so tired of looking after him (but don't regret having him - can't imagine a world without him in it). But my friends and people on here seem to just happily accept the all-consuming UTTER CRAPNESS of it and I would love to know how. My DH is getting bored and sick of it too and we are snapping at each other.

I honestly can't be arsed with DS today and I'm not having my smug oh-so-caring MIL coming round to "help" and see me anything less than perfectly calm and chirpy with her precious grandson, fuck no, she'd try to wheedle her way in to co-parent even more than she already wants to!

I can't be bothered giving him any baby rice today as we've started to, as he was eating vast volumes of milk - literally I can't face doing any more than shoving a bottle in his face. He is downstairs snoozing in his cot - the more he sleeps the less chance of me shouting at him today for something, which I feel AWFUL about when I do (poss once a week) - the rest of the time I can control it, just. How do other people NOT lose their tempers with their babies when tired/bored/frustrated?

He's had yet another fucking cold and cough so have been up for hours all night listening to him but not being able to help him really. Am wondering why the hell I bother to breastfeed if all he does is get ill?

Just needed to get it all out before I explode. Am I really the only one who feels like this?

oh also though I made some friends at toddler group. I really made good people like me, ie. tell it like it is friends once the kids wnt to school and I could pick and choose my friends rather than be thankful people talked to me!

OP, we all feel like this at some point. Forget the 'precious moments' stuff, some days I'm counting down the days until I go back to work just for a break! I'm not ill, I'm just fatigued. Lucky for me I've got a best friend who has a 7 week old and a 2.5 year old and she's the same; in fact I accompanied her to a job interview today! We both have a bit of a shouty moment here and there as well

Will your ds play by himself at all? Mine is 4.5 months and although he won't really play with anything, he loves to have a muslin cloth or one of those taggies blankets in his hands. He's quite happy with that for a while.

I cope by working! Lucky enough to be able to go to various conferences and been sent work to do to make about 1 days work a month. I keeps my brain working and. Generally do it while. 6 month old plays (or watches CBeebes!)
I need it, would go stir crazy without. Ready to go back to work at easter and know that is best for me and baby as a a sane mum is better than a frustrated, bored one.
I get out lots, have lots of friends and do the school run twice a day too, but I need a different way of life. This time its tried and tested as I have a highly intelligent (seriously -not just mum talking) fun, 5 year old and the whole family has lots of fun together every eve and weekend.
You have to find your own eutopia and what works for your whole family including you.

I really think that it's the sleep deprivation that is the hardest thing for me. It colours my entire mood and feelings about parenthood. I haven't slept properly since mid pregnancy, so about nine months now. Psychologically, how DO you cope with it? Not just when the baby is hollering for the third time that night, but day in day out without totally losing your mind/temper! How do you learn to function? Some days I am too tired to summon the energy to have a decent cry. A couple of hours babysitting support just seems such a tiny part of what is required!

I am thinking of going back to work three days a week sooner than originally planned to stop the brain rot. DH will quit to be a SAHD. That might help with the boredom as some of you have suggested!

BGC - you have to sleep when they sleep during the day and cut down the nightfeeds to one (very unpopular on MN but hey ho). I find that when you're only doing one night feed so a dreamfeed at 11 and then one at 3-4 it gets drastically better.

Sorry but I don't know of a magic way of feeling ok without sleep. I wish I did. As omnishambles says, cutting down the nightfeeds helps, if and when you can, and trying to get your baby to take his daytime naps at home, as predictably as possible, rather than out in the pram, so you can jump into bed and get 40 winks.
Some people just don't seem to need sleep as much; but I never feel ok after a long period of ragged sleep and this is why I have no patience with all the "it's fine because you can go to galleries" guff. Sorry.

"It colours my entire mood and feelings about parenthood." I totally get this, but this isn't parenthood. This is only a smidgeny moment of parenthood. The sleepless bit is not forever. Just think of it as an endurance test, and of yourself as a hero. You are.

"A couple of hours babysitting support just seems such a tiny part!" - have you had it? I know it's not the same as 8 hours unbroken sleep at night, but 3 hours sleep in the day while someone else has your baby and you are guaranteed not to be woken WILL make you feel different. Just write a big stroppy sign for the doorbell to make sure that you don't get Jehovah's witnesses ringing or something, or you will be tempted to kill them.

I find even going out til midnight, drinking ridiculous cocktails and having a meal cheers me up no matter how tired I am (and I am very tired.)

You need to get a babysitter and go out. You need to go for a run or dance or coffee and cake. Can you go and visit a friend and take baby?

On sleep deprivation - it is very bad, that's for sure. But it's not forever. My top tip would be: give yourself a break. Actually, ten breaks! When I am sleep deprived I just let everything go - make the minimum possible effort. This might mean pushing DS to a cafe where he can sleep/look around/play whilst I read the paper OR seeing friends and moaning together (not in the house though which I'd have to tidy!) OR just lying on the sofa whilst he brings me blocks (he's a toddler now) or feeds/naps (in the past). Whatever Works.

Also, I recommend this book to everyone with a baby.

It's v v helpful for terrible times and great times. Just reassures you that having a baby is massive, awful, shocking, wonderful, exhausting, draining, enriching, boring, thrilling, HARD WORK.

On the practical side I would definitely give up the pumping. Sounds a nightmare. Good luck! :)

Oh god, yes. That's how I felt some of the time when mine were tiny, it was just bloody relentless and awful and so bloody BORING. Very hard to admit at the time, but I do so cheerfully now! Luckily my mum was very honest and just said 'oh yes, it's bloody awful itsn't it?' so that made me feel better. I skipped back to work when mine were about 10 months old and that sorted much of the problems for me. Still tired etc but didn't feel like a non-person any more.
It is definately an endurance test, and for me personally, I am enjoying them wholeheartedly at 7 and 4, working part time so hang on in there kid. Maybe it is PND, but a part of me thinks it is a perfectly normal reaction to such an overwhelming life event.

I clicked on this thread because I wanted to see how long it took someone to suggest that the OP had PND. Bingo - very first post!

Finding the parenting of little children and babies difficult, tiring & tedious does NOT automatically mean that the parent is depressed! Jeez, sleep deprivation is an absolute bugger and the sheer groundhog day-ness of everything is a pain in the arse. It is NATURAL to dislike these things. I'd be suspicious of anyone who declared them fun tbh.

OP: these things will pass. It DOES get easier, especially once you can get more sleep and your child can communicate with you better. and they've left home

I'm coming to this late, but I wanted you to know that I totally sympathise and felt the same. It is NOT necessarily PND. I didn't have it, but felt like you. The first baby is the worst - because the second you know it will all pass.

The only answer I can give you is that you need to keep chanting in your head "this will pass". because it will. I was SO desperate to have some normality back in my life, to leave aside the tiredness, the sheer frustration of it all. Not everyone is a born earth mother who takes it in their stride. The ONLY thing which made it better for me was time - DS got older, I went back to work, he slept better. Then I had DD and it all started again save that I knew it would pass and it did. Now i am back at work 4 days a week and the feeling has passed completely. It will. I promise. And you are not alone.

And just to add: I had lots of feeding ishoos also, and had to express all the time, and it was winter, and I could never go out because I was either feeding or expressing...it was a bloody nightmare basically. When the same problems cropped up with DC2 I nipped it in the bud & switched to formula on day 5 - no way was I going through that again...

But it passed and it will for you too x

I went back to work at 4 and 5 months with mine (part time) and felt soooo much better for it. A bit of respite from the relentless drudgery of being at home, with no friends close by and a mother that still worked. I can honestly say leaving them at nursery for a few hours a week and thought about something else was my salvation.
Someone wrote in a card "Enjoy him" when my eldest was born, and after a few weeks I thought, "God, am I supposed to be enjoying this!!"
I found myself wishing he could sit up, then walk, then talk, all so it would be easier...and do you know by the time they are 3 (!!) its a piece of cake and for me at least, the fun began. Now they are almost 6 and 8, and life is fantastic.
After talking to close friends they too have admitted similar feelings so don't worry, you are not alone.

I think as well in my lighter moments that its not really drudgery - we may find it boring but its not anything that lots of women in the third world wouldnt swap for in a heartbeat and though that might not help us practically - it helps me to sometimes have a bit of a word with myself otherwise I can slip into a bit of a malaise.

It really will pass - try and find something each day thats fun with baby - really look hard for it - a gurgle, or a smile, or the stillness when they are asleep - you could even write them down as you wont remember this time at all when they're older.

It is a bloody hard slog and you get very little back at this age, but it gets easier when they can crawl and entertain themselves a little bit. I think once they are moving they often sleep better as well as they have an outlet for some of their energy and aren't so frustrated.

My mum had 5, she reackons the month or so before they start crawling is the hardest bit and with yours being so big as well you must be exhausted carrying him around.

Hang on in there, it will get better.

Doctor Richard Ferber's Book 'How to Solve your Child's Sleep Problems' has answers to everything to do with sleep from birth to 18! Beg, borrow or steal a copy from someone or somewhere.

I promise you will get more sleep.

I logged on to post a thread along the same lines as this one only to find OP had beaten me to it!

Thank you everyone who has been so honest about just how bloody hard, relentless work parenting a baby is. Face to face most people seem to put on rose tinted glasses and not admit that things can be s*t. This makes you feel like you and/or your baby must be wrong in some way.

I haven't really got anything to add to what has been said on here already apart from to say I think feeling desperate, low, tearful, frustrated, angry and bored are all TOTALLY NORMAL emotions at this stage of the game.

In terms of sleep deprivation I agree with what was said that people's tolerance to it can be very different. I am someone that can't handle it well. I too spiral into negative thoughts and feelings when tired; things become out of proportion. To top it off, even when my DS is sleeping at night I often wake every hour or so or lie awake. I seem to have developed insomnia with all the broken sleep over the last 5 months

It is so heartening to hear that things do get easier as they get more independent. I can't wait to start weaning my DS and for him to be able to sit up and play by himself.

To all of us Mums hanging in there and coping with the challenges of parenting a small baby "we ARE doing a great job" and should be proud of ourselves. I need to remember my own advice for later tonight or early tomorrow morning when I feel like crying as DS wakes/cries again!!

A sad thread. I think so many of you who hate this early stage have overly high expectations of what motherhood is all about. I am more than happy to potter about with DD during the day - she bfs a lot and I read or mn while she's on the breast. She sits and plays in her ring or chair and I get on with a bit of housework or cooking or paperwork. At naptimes I put her in the buggy or sling and go out shopping while she sleeps.... I have 2 other children as well so certainly don't go to museums. I don't see it as looking after though, we just go through the day together....

What struck me about the OP, was the fact that she is doing all that expressing which is bound to piss most people off. I would rather ff than do that and I am what some of you would probably describe as a breastfeeding nazi.... If your baby is not a good sleeper then try co-sleeping?

But I disagree that it's normal to feel desperate, low, tearful etc etc etc at this stage. 5 months is a nice stage and I enjoy my baby much more than my stroppy 6 year old!! TBH, if you are stressed and shouty then your baby may well pick up on this. But I would also advise visiting a doctor if you are constantly feeling negative - we are all allowed to have low feelings from time to time whether we have children or not but to have them constantly is not normal or OK at all.

Tryharder - wish I could find fulfilment in all of that. But pottering within the same four walls and wandering round my slightly rundown local high street, the park, a couple of baby groups etc just isn't enough for me. Well not day in day out. Depends what you did pre baby I guess. The contrast for me between my old professional life in London and this "wilderness" could not be more marked.

Yes, 5 months can be lovely - but only in flashes.

Update: Have no choice but to continue expressing past six months so it seems. Now discover DS has an intolerance to cow's milk but is ok with my BM. Can't in all good conscience switch to formula now.

Co-sleeping: We have a co-sleeper cot on the side of the bed. I can't stand all the snuffling/vowel sounds at 5am/thrashing etc right in my face. Did it for two nights when DS was newborn and got ZERO sleep. Now I sleep in another bedroom and DH stays in the bed with the baby as he can tune out the noise better than I can.

Expresing is such a nightmare - is therevany sort of non-dairy alternative? Early weaning? Have you talked to docs about this? I expressed for three months and my life improved dramatically once I stopped!

You will get there OP!

I found that striding around listening to audiobooks / podcasts whilst pushing the pram was a godsend. You are craving intellectual stimulation and your baby does not need a fucking running commentary on every doggy / birdie / lorry that you pass. I particularly enjoyed This Amerian Life and Radiolab - you can get them both through iTunes. Really absorbing interesting stories in half hour chunks. It breaks you out of that 'why wont you fucking sleeeeep!' cycle in the day (which used to make me feel really sad) and if you walk to park 15 mins, play like a good mummy 15mins and head home 15 mins you have both enjoyed yourselves!

Apologies for not having read the whole thread - I'm sure you've had excellent advice so far.

DD is now 1.7 and I have another on the way - IU've almost forgotten how boring I found it all.

My strategy was to go out every day and do something for at least three hours - a trip to a local town and a wander round the charity shops (and to show for that I now have enough clothes for DD up to the age of four! So killed two birds with one stone). At that age, she wasn't protesting about being wheeled around for long periods of time. And as you as bf you won't need to spend ages prepping bottles....

I also joined lots of groups, continuing to go to the ones where enough people seemed to feel like I did, so I could talk honestly about similar feelings to the ones you are expressing.

Oh, and I watched LOADS of telly!

I also listen to Radio 4 a lot, which I rarely, if ever did before. A godsend: adult voices, intelligent conv, no input required from me!

Love Radio 4 - it has kept my brain alive since my PFBs arrived in 2002!!

Tryharder - I wasn't saying that it is normal to feel nagative all the time. I was just sympathising with those of us who do struggle sometimes. I am sure most of us also have lots of times when we really enjoy our LO's. I certainly have lots of beautiful moments with my DS. My partner and I both work in mental health so are more than aware of the symptoms of possible PND!

Personally the pottering around doesn't bother me at all, in fact I often enjoy this but it can still get tedious, especially when sleep deprived. You are obviously very lucky to have a baby who is happy to sleep while going round shops/in cafes and is content to sit and watch you doing housework. Mine is fine in the pushchair/sling if on the move but as soon as I go inside anywhere or stop he wakes up and quickly gets grumpy. From others comments lots of us have babies who need more intensive interaction to keep them content.

I think as has already been acknowledged on this thread everyone finds different stages of parenting challenging at different times depending on you and your babies personalities. I don't think this is a sad thread at all, it is actually very reassuring and supportive.

Go on girl!!!
I'm completely with you ellabella.
I get cabin fever even when I'm outdoors going round the same places, seeing the same faces talking about the same things and it goes on and on...

Having a baby has so many contradictions it could turn you mad thinking about how much you hate it and then there are those moments (fleeting as they can be, esp when so sleep deprived you can barely see straight), but there are those moments that are intensely beautiful - but I repeat - when you're knackered and sick of "pottering" those moments just don't satisfy - iyswim.
I'm just so glad that this thread exists - because it can be so isolating being a mum with thoughts like the title to this thread.
And by the way I HAVEN'T GOT PND either! I'm just bloody bloody tired. And to be quite honest I find it quite patronising, and not a little ignorant as I know what PND can be like as my sister suffered from it.
Anyway aren't these threads meant to be supportive Tryharder and NOT judgemental?