Baby care - boring, relentless, sleep-depriving, all consuming SHITNESS

[BigGingerCat]

I've read so many threads lately, in the sleep, breastfeeding, and parenting sections of this site (am a regular poster who name changes for the controversial stuff) where people post their problems like:

My child wakes up every hour!
My child has fed fifteen times today, nipples bleeding, haven't left the sofa
Teething pain - nothing works

....and I wonder how these posters, who have it way worse than I do, are not jibbering wrecks or in prison for throwing their babies across a room.

I have a five month old (nearly). I am so tired of looking after him (but don't regret having him - can't imagine a world without him in it). But my friends and people on here seem to just happily accept the all-consuming UTTER CRAPNESS of it and I would love to know how. My DH is getting bored and sick of it too and we are snapping at each other.

I honestly can't be arsed with DS today and I'm not having my smug oh-so-caring MIL coming round to "help" and see me anything less than perfectly calm and chirpy with her precious grandson, fuck no, she'd try to wheedle her way in to co-parent even more than she already wants to!

I can't be bothered giving him any baby rice today as we've started to, as he was eating vast volumes of milk - literally I can't face doing any more than shoving a bottle in his face. He is downstairs snoozing in his cot - the more he sleeps the less chance of me shouting at him today for something, which I feel AWFUL about when I do (poss once a week) - the rest of the time I can control it, just. How do other people NOT lose their tempers with their babies when tired/bored/frustrated?

He's had yet another fucking cold and cough so have been up for hours all night listening to him but not being able to help him really. Am wondering why the hell I bother to breastfeed if all he does is get ill?

Just needed to get it all out before I explode. Am I really the only one who feels like this?

I agree - don't think it is a sad thread at all - I think it is an honest thread and that's no bad thing at all.

Plus I also agree that jumping to conclusions that the OP has PND is over the top - it seems to me that there is a very good reason for negative feelings - sleep deprivation and continual tedium tend not to fill you with the joys of spring!! I did not like the stage before 6 months, looking back as soon as DD hit 6 months and was properly weaned I really started to enjoy her.

OK. I wasn't judging the OP and made a few suggestions but I'm not going to lie and say that to be so negative about looking after a baby and saying she can't be arsed etc etc is a good thing when I don't think it is. I thought the whole point of posting was to for others to suggest ideas. I got the impression upon reading the OP that the OP had not bonded with her baby as such and this is one of the indications of PND.

Thinking about this a bit more, I would second someone's suggestion that the OP return to work and put her baby into a nursery. Quite a few friends of mine weren't really into looking after babies and so returned to work pretty sharpish and put their babies into nurseries...

And for the record - my DD isn't an easy baby particularly but she's "easy" in that I am able to anticipate and respond to her needs quickly and don't resent doing so - she still wakes up 3 times in the night for feeds, isn't particularly in a routine for feeds or naps and won't sit by herself for long periods of time.

And also for the record as I sensed that the OP has dismissed me as a numpty , I work full time in a professional job but am currently on MatL. And believe me, I love being at home with not much to do because it will all change in a few months time...

I agree babies a BORING. Early motherhood is BORING, exhausting and thankless. It will get better though.

(Slightly drunken) Advice:

Number 1: Find a cupboard or similar sized room. Stand in it and scream...really, really loud.

number 2: You don't HAVE to stay local with a baby. Go into London, even if it's just walking around soaking up the atmosphere.

Number 3: Music, loud, heart wrenching, body moving music played for a short time at full blast will make you feel better. Dance around with your baby if you have to. DS1 liked Michael Jackson (Make of that what you will).

Number 4: Bugger the washing up, vacuuming, dusting etc.

Number 5: You'll get yourself back, honestly. A more stoic, darkly humorous, knowing version of yourself but it'll be you.

Number 6: Good luck.

No, I don't think you're a numpty. Maybe a little smug/superior but really your mild bemusement has been no different to what I've had from others in RL when gently venturing a watered down version of my feelings above.

I think our babies are similarly easy/difficult from what you say above. But where you seem to be dealing with meeting need after need after need with ease, to me it feels like standing in front of one of those tennis ball machines firing one ball after the other, managing to hit them back each time, but getting more and more knackered but unable to get away. I'm just not cut out for what feels like mummy martyrdom and enslavement to a small baby's demands. Seriously, you get up three times a night to your DD and are in a great mood and only too happy to sort out what she wants each and every time without the slightest dark/exhausted/resentful feeling?? Please tell me how you reached that mental place!

We have bonded, although this took a time after a pretty horrible birth and post natal experience. I would lay down my life for that little boy. Most of these feelings stay in my head apart from when they bubble to the surface when chronically tired. I laugh every day, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel....I don't think it's PND.

Glad to hear, if glad is the right word, that others are prepared to admit they feel the same as me.

Sorry, junk collector got in before I posted - my post was directed at tryharder.

Thank you junk! Number 3 tip actually makes my baby fall asleep!

OP, I felt just the same as you. I had a baby who the first week slept 12 hours during the day and fed all night. As I was in the hospital that meant that I virtually didn't sleep that week at all and things didn't get much better over the next few months as dd was in bed with me at night and needed movement to sleep during the day.

I thought I could have PND, but DH (a dr) said my symptoms were those of burn out and not depression. That made a huge difference to me, knowing I needed sleep, not ADs.

After I broke down in tears in front of MIL she told me she had felt the same after her dc1 was born. She started taking dd out in the pram every afternoon while I went to bed and slept. I felt a lot better after about a week.

It does get better as they start to be able to play for 10 min on their own under a baby gym, but I found 10 months to be the real turning point. Since then it's just got better and better. Dd is now 21 months, sleeps 11+ hours at night and is an absolute joy to be with. She still goes to MIL's every afternoon, which has meant I can start working again. I have big issues with MIL's attitude towards what is, essentially, co-parenting, but Dd has a great bond with her and I think that's more important.

Sure bacon. Well the hospital plugged my DS with unnecessary antibiotics after birth in case he had an infection because of my waters breaking early (he didn't as blood tests later showed). They put a splint on him which made it difficult to get a good position on one side and he was very drowsy because of the drugs and didn't want to feed. They also told me he was jaundiced (a tiny bit, but below the action threshold so it turned out)so they made me give him lots of formula to flush it out. None of these things helped with early BF. Staff constantly interrupted our early feeds to carry out tests which had already been done, to do my obs, or clean the room until I ended up throwing people out. Yes, I complained to the NHS Trust, yes I received an apology and certain policies have been changed.

My DS is like a greased ferret at the best of times. He is furiously hungry, large and has no patience to wait a few seconds for letdown. Our latch was fine. Either he thrashed furiously, or fed for a few minutes and fell asleep, only to wake up 20 minutes later wanting to do it all again. It took a trained BF counsellor over three visits, a student midwife each time, six pillows to the sides of me and one behind my back, and use of a nipple shield sterilised in boiling water in a tupperware pot next to me to get DS to hold still and feed properly. Honestly I couldn't be bothered doing this at 3am. Expressing in 15 mins gave me enough for a feed, I knew what he was getting, I could hand over duties to DH - for those early days and weeks it was much easier, quicker and less stressful to do this. So I kept it up - and would seriously consider doing it again for any subsequent children, much as it has started to bore me!

You've had a dreadful time of it. You've done really, really well expressing every feed - it is peculiarly exhausting, I think, more than feeding the usual way.

Would you give him formula? And start weaning in earnest? If he's so big it sounds like this might sort out some night waking and also hive you s chance to go out, perhaps a bit of glamour in the city.

You don't gave to sacrifice yourself on the altar of motherhood, be sensible and do what's best for your family.

Ah, to clarify, we do give him some formula - I can't make enough for all his feeds. About 80% is me, 20% formula (used to be 90-100% me, but I'm losing the battle as he demands more and more. He was drinking over a litre at two weeks old!). So yes, we are starting very slowly to wean - since 20 weeks - but have the stress of the (probable) dairy intolerance to cope with.

I did have a glamorous evening in the city the other night. Well, dinner in Covent Garden with some good friends, but it did me.

That would be really helpful, thank you so much. Can you PM me? Tried soy formula for top ups, but don't like the sound of soy after doing a bit of reading. Plus, it seems to have no effect on his skin (bad eczema). Going to try a week of lactose free milk (SMA LF), then if that doesn't help, a week of Nutramigen (milk-protein free). When we get something that works I'll stop or cut right down on the expressing at six months. If the skin condition proves unrelated to anything in the milk at least I'll know.

Sorry to other posters for derailing my own thread! Please keep posting, it is really helping.

Isn't it wearing when they keep getting ill? It's not that I don't care, it's that I care too much and that's maybe why I find this baby stage so draining and knackering.

ginger, it sounds normal to me, and it does get easier, otherwise i woudnt have had no 5 12wks ago! but even with no 5, dp came home from work last week and i immediately handed him the baby and walked away into another room so i could cry and then have a cup of tea and compose myself!

re the trying different formulas etc, i understand WHY you want to do this BUT you need to try something for much longer than a week to see if it will have an effect on his skin etc, i have eczema myself and dairy free helps my skin but it takes at LEAST two weeks for the benefits to start to show and initially things get worse before they get better as it clears from my system.

also i would be wary of switching formulas that often and upsetting his digestive system? but that just me.

it does get easier, hope you manage to get a break and some SLEEP, which is the key i think! and a big well done for expressing for so long!! i am very impressed!!! hang on in there with parenting, it does get easier xxx

BigGingerCat, I really didn;t mean to sound smug and believe me if you saw me lose my temper with my older 2 (have just screamed "will you put the bloody phone down" to DS2 aged 2- he has form for dialling 999 accidentally) - you would conclude that i have no right to be smug about my parenting!! Howwever, I am confident about my parenting skills with my baby girl but she's my third. I struggled with my firstborn like many people do and the key to overcoming that in my opinion is to let go of wanting to control every situation and be less hard on yourself and on your baby. Why not take yourselves off to bed for the day and watch DVDs while he lies next to you - just spend the day kissing and cuddling and reconnecting with him. I know you will say yeah but what about...[list household chores] but really, these can be left!

I can remember how hard sleep deprivation is when you are not used to it - I don't think I have had a unbroken night's sleep in over 6 years.... But like anything else you get used it it

I agree with othesr that the main problem you have is the expressing. I would stop if I were you or breastfeed. Perhaps Ive missed a post but don't understand why you dont just breastfeed - its a lot easier once they're a bit older.

As I said before, have you considered going back to work? Seriously. A friend of mine was in a similar position to you with her DD, she went to her GP and was told she had mild PND and advised to return to work and put her DD into daycare. Both she and her DD were much happier as a result.

Youve had some really good advice on here and hope things improve for you.

Thanks tryharder - see post of 7.50 above for why I don't breastfeed directly. Did try to latch him a week ago to try and boost my supply but he has lost his ability to latch after so long with solely bottles. I did find that sad and upsetting so haven't persisted.

Yes, I may go back to work sooner than intended, but what if DS suddenly gets much easier and more fabulous - I may not want to leave him! On balance though it is a definite option.

I do bugger all housework, thankfully. DH insists I don't do any, just look after the baby.

hi BGC, i think you are TOTALLY normal, and honest, and i think its really important to have open threads like this. Yes, some women seemingly find it all a breeze and easy, and are happy to give give give with no sleep, no time etc. Most of us dont.
i absolutely hated the first 6 months. i loved my dd so much but i felt i'd ruined my life and made a huge mistake. the sleep deprivation and loneliness got too much and i did develop pnd. i wanted nothing more than to go back to work - i pleaded with dp to be the stay at home parent so i could (as we couldnt afford nursery) it didnt happen and im really pleased i didnt start work then, as from around 6 months it all just started to feel easier.

my advice

• get as much sleep where you can, lie-in's at weekend while dh takes ds out, early nights, sleep/rest in the day.
• go for massages, pedicures, hairdressers etc, as much as you can. indulge yourself.
• keep talking and being honest about your feelings. i saw a counsellor once a week, baby went into the creche at the organisation, and it made such a difference having that hour a week to offload. felt cleansed afterwards!

take care and know that you are not alone (smile)

just wanted to say thank you so much fo this very honest post. I think all mums feel like this at some time, and I was so relieved to read this and think it's not just me. I certainly have moments like this every day.

I have a 10 wk old and what is starting to make me feel a bit better is to try and just go with it and not look for the 'why.' It takes so much more of my energy when I feel resentful/ cross so I just try to say to myself 'oh the baby is screaming' rather than 'why is the little git screaming when I am trying to do X?' Easier said than done I know and I haven't been through teething yet....

I second whoever said that you should think about going back to work. I'm going back in the summer and I can't wait as I have really missed the stimulation. The thought that I will return then is keeping me going through my mat. leave.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job with the expressing- there's no way Id have had the patience. well done x

tryharder - I understand what you mean.

bigginger - I felt exactly like this with my first, it was all consuming and mind numbing. I really felt like I was cracking up.

I think what tryharder means is that sometimes as time goes on you kind of adapt to all of this and then if you look at things from a certain perspective, knowing that things will change then it gets easier.

I am probably not explaining myself either. With my first I spent days sobbing at the relentlessness of it, asking people why he hated me, feeling so so lonely.

Now, with DS3 I am kind of happy to go with the flow because I realise it is going to end and I dont expect any different. I kind of adapted, know no different any more perhaps!

I too have screeched royally at the older too as I am so sleep deprived today

The expressing sounds such hard work - I am so sorry you could not switch to formula as you wanted

Going back to work saved me with DS1

And cannot spell - older two!

OP I feel it too, only my baby's 7m and it's getting worse (sorry to put a downer on it..). I'm struggling to want to spend time with her: everything feels like a chore. I can't 'play' with her - leaving her on her mat is fine but I manage about 10mins of reading to her or showing her toys before I've had enough, but then a few minutes later I feel guilty for not spending enough time with her.

I'm not getting any sleep (she wakes at least every 2 hours) and haven't been since she was born. It's just normal now: I hardly even notice it.

DH's never around (works very long hours), and so everything is down to me. I get out of the house at least once (sometimes twice) every day, and have lots of local friends, but that doesn't help. We go swimming and to some baby groups but I can't bear the thought of anything else baby-centred.

I resigned from work this week (crazy-hours City job) and was in tears as I left the office. I didn't even like the job (and probably would have left even if I didn't have a baby), but I couldn't stop crying: felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm looking for something else but don't dare mention it to anyone... My mum keeps asking why anyone would have a baby but not want to be at home with it (that old chestnut), and my MIL just keeps going on about how my baby will only be little once and it's such a special time blah blah blah....A few months ago I was really keen on being at home and having more babies, but now the thought makes me want to run away and hide somewhere.

I'm just not feeling what I should be feeling. I don't feel like she's mine. I don't particularly worry when I think she might be ill, I don't really worry about what I'm eating and drinking and how it might affect her (she's BF with BLW). I feel like such a fraud.

I'm also getting increasingly hacked off with DH: everything he does or says annoys me, and when he calls to say he'll be late home (yet again) I don't even care. We never have sex (it hurt so much the first few times we tried post-birth it's put me off, and he's generally too tired from working anyway) and I don't care.

Sorry this has turned out to be massively long...

The mumsnet mantra: This too shall pass.

I know it sounds trite, but it is really true. Your life has changed but you can make a new exciting challenging one. Think about what you want and work towards it.

At the moment you are going through a tough training regime. Your baby is turning you into a mother. You will emerge more patient, stoical stronger and more determined.

(god that's pompous, too much )

I've been back at work 3 weeks - I was wetting myself with stress but I feel so much better

1 I've remembered who I used to be, cleared the cotton wool and nappies out of my head and flexed my brain and it feels good!

2 other people can look after my baby and he's fine - this was a revelation

3 It's no longer just me, 24/7 every week, every month - that horrible relentless feeling has gone

I found 5 months very tough - I think you think you should be 'getting somewhere' and then bam, sleep regression, all night feeding, flu - him and me, more colds. Luckily I am very stoic - an advantage of my advanced years I think, but I do feel your 'stir craziness'.

thumperpink I totally sympathise. I'll bet that every feeling you have above is because your brain is so scrambled from lack of sleep that nothing feels the way it should. I agree you should think about getting a new job. It sounds like the old one wasn't right but that your heart is telling you that you do need to be working - or you wouldn't have been in tears.

Your DH needs to know what is going on in your head. He probably has no clue and will have no incentive to help change the situation unless you both really talk, cards-on-the-table and you tell him what practical support you want or need. That's one thing I do have with DH. Although I agree on the sex thing - stupid forceps delivery. I still feel bruised.

My DH says no more kids. At the moment he is probably right, but I am hoping things will change as others have intimated on this thread.

Women of the generation above us often don't "get" us as they didn't as a rule ever have the opportunities we did for big careers. They got married and had babies and were complete with their simple lot. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM of course, but women of our age have chosen to do it rather than had this path mapped out for them so are not so blinkered as to alternatives. Your mum and MIL never will understand. Nod and smile, and ignore. If you manage to do this, tell me how please! And have a very un-City like hug, because I think you need one!

Agree with posters above that this feels like an emotional and physical boot camp. The more you have to change as a person , ie personality, attitude, what you do day in day out from BC (before children) versus AD - (after delivery - ho ho!) the harder it seems to be.

Right, that's the pumping done for the 1,000,009th time. Off to bed again.....